Tuesday 31 May 2005

U.S. Military To Begin Abusing Bible
New Policy Cites Need To Be 'Fair and Balanced'

As calls mount for the closing of the Guantanamo Bay Prison Camp, over the widespread allegations of torture and abuse, the U.S. Military has announced a new 'Faith-based Incarceration' program, that calls for the mistreatment and abuse of the Bible, and other religious works.

Lawrence Di Rita, the chief Pentagon spokesman, stated yesterday that the U.S. Military will begin implementing the new 'Faith-based Incarceration, immediately and, eventually, will cover nearly every religious denomination.

"With using the Bible, as an instrument of abuse and torture, we included a number of faiths, right there, alone. Prisoners that are Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, Calvinist, or Lutheran - which we can also employ the Book of Concord - are going to feel the wrath of the U.S. Military.

For British and Australian P.O.W.'s, Di Rita indicated the King James Bible will be the object defiled.

Other faiths will be brought on-line in the P.O.W. prisoner camps as the need calls for. The U.S. Military can fly in a 'Faith-based Incarceration' torture kit "in a matter of hours" according to Di Rita.

"We have Torahs, and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion - that was a tip from our friends in Mossad. If we capture any Mormon, we can bring in the Book of Mormon, or the Pearl of Great Price".

The new 'Faith-based Incarceration' program comes in the wake of widespread allegations of the abuse of the Koran as a means to torture Islamic prisoners. Earlier this month, 'Newsweek' Magazine ran an article detailing such abuse at the Guantanamo prison in Cuba, that they later retract after the Bush Administration and the Pentagon gave blistering denials.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan went as far as blaming 'Newsweek' for the deaths of 17 Afghans in rioting that followed the publication. That assertion was subsequently refuted by U.S. Military commanders and by Afghan President Hamid Karzai during his visit to the White House last week.

What became clear to the Pentagon was the lack of a program that would trample all religions and a task force was quickly put together to develop a program that would be deemed as "fair".

Di Rita stated that other religions would soon be included.

"We' re working, as I speak, on Hindu program. There's too many writings to base the abuse on one by itself and it will depend just what region or faith that particular Hindu prisoner happens to be from. And then there's a number of 'New Age' religions that we need to investigate and see what can be used in those cases."

And the new Faith-based Incarceration' program has the full backing of the White House.

"President Bush", offered McClellan, "is happy to see a program where prisoners of different faiths can be abused and tortured equally and fairly".



New Zarqawi Tape Deemed 'Idol' Demo

Iraqi Terrorist Leader Warbles 'Louie Louie' In Attempt To Join Hit Show

It could have come down to Carrie Underwood and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

A new, 17-minute audio message addressed to Osama bin Laden, with the voice of a man claiming to be Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the U.S. Military's most wanted man in Iraq, has been deemed to be a demo tape that the terrorist leader was, perhaps, looking to gain entry to the hit American Idol program.

The rambling message, in which al-Zarqawi tells bin Laden that he was wounded, but only slightly, and is still in Iraq and running his insurregence program against the. U.S. and Iraqi forces.

According to a source close to the Military, who has been examining the authenticity of the audiotape, it may be that al-Zarqawi taped his new message over a previously recorded message - his singing a cover of the 1963 Kingsman hit tune, 'Louie, Louie'. After finishing off the tune, with a forced flourish, al-Zarqawi appeals to the American Idol reviewer to give him his best consideration.

It has long been rumored among military and intelligence officials that al-Zarqawi was a big fan of the American Idol program, including rumors that the U.S. Military ran a specially-coded broadcast of the program in Iraqi in an effort to track down the location of who was watching the program and matching those locations to known al-Zarqawi hideouts.

A spokesperson from American Idol stated that, while they receive demo tapes from all around the world, they have no record of receiving the al-Zarqawi tape.

The audio was posted on an Islamic website in which other al-Zarqawi messages have appeared late Monday night but bore the date from last Saturday.

In measured tones, al-Zarqawi admitted that he was wounded but dismissed that it was serious, or that he entered the Ramadi hospital, as had been rumored.

The source that listened to the tape indicated that al-Zarqawi's singing was about "on-par" for a typical, early-round, American Idol contestant.

"If you are familiar with the song "Louie, Louie", you'll be deeply disappointed. He sings in both broken English and Arabic and it sounds like he's backed by synthesizer and drum set - and that could easily have been a CD or tape .. It was extremely poor quality".

Military officials haven't ruled out that the use of 'Louie, Louie' by al-Zarqawi could be some kind of coded message to bin Laden.