Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Vatican Discounts "Bonfire Pope"; Says Flames "Not Hunched Over Enough"

Late Pontiff's Bend Was Measured "Religiously"; Never Used Contingency "Roller Skate Gloves".

The Vatican, this morning, dashed the hopes of a Polish photographer, indicating that a picture of a bonfire claiming to resemble Pope John Paul II, in his classic "blessing" pose, is not the late Pontiff.

After studying the photograph, the Vatican indicates that the "flames are not hunched over enough to be authentic."

"We can say this with certainty," offered a Vatican spokesperson.

"His Excellency was religiously measured, monitored and tracked, for the bend in his back. We have very precise measurements on this and the flames in the photo do not correspond to our records."

This disputes Service director Jarek Cielecki, a Polish priest, who had traveled to Beskid Zywiecki, in southern Poland, close to John Paul's birthplace, to review the photograph, taken by a local man, Gregorz Lukasik, of a bonfire set on April 2nd, to commemorate the second anniversary of the Polish Pontiff's death.

"You can see the image of a person in the flames and I think it is the servant of God, Pope John Paul II," he said.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Cielecki and Lukasik drew the attention of the Vatican, only after they allegedly signed deals with eBay and GoldenPalace.Com, to purchase the photograph, and the ashes left over from the bonfire.

It was said the price dropped due to the pair not being able to sell the bonfire, while it was lit, as well as not having the official endorsement of The Vatican.

A second rumor says that the sale was complicated by The Vatican's insistence of receiving a larger percentage of the sale.

New Discovery

In damping down the "Flaming Pope", as it is called inside The Vatican, journalists were offered to look over the voluminous register book on the recordings of Pope John Paul's hunched back.

Measurements were taken daily, and escalated to twice daily in his last few years, with specially-designed "Papal Calipers" and included weekly xrays.

Also included in the measurement book were detailed design sketches of what was titled "Roller Skate Gloves".

Officials in The Vatican were concerned that Pope John Paul's hunching was increasing, and, potentially, if he lived longer, he would be bent completely over and, in order to complete even some basic perfunctory tasks, as well as move around the vast Vatican palace, some mechanical device would be needed.

A wheel chair was ruled out by John Paul himself, not wanting to appear weak to his flock.

The specs for the "Roller Skate Gloves" called for them to be gold-plated, and trimmed in red.

In a related story, Catholic League President William Donohue lambasted liberals and gays, claiming that they were "biased and prejudiced" against flames resembling Catholics.

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Breaking News! Pontiff In Major Spread, Popemobile Giveaway; Oprah Lands Pope Benedict XVI For Huge Tell-All Over Muslam Flap; Either Apology or Conversion To Islam Promised In Teasers; Pontiff Turned Down By CBS News Free Speech

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