Thursday 17 February 2005

Slumping Wrist Band Sales Force Armstrong Into 7th Tour

With a new sponsor, and slumping wrist bands sales, six-time champion Lance Armstrong announced yesterday that he will ride in the 2005 Tour de France, looking to extend his incredible record of consecutive victories in cycling's most prestigious event.

With the Discovery Channel now a sponsor, some sources indicate that slumping sales of the Lance Armstrong wrist band, may be the bigger factor in the 34-year-old champion's decision to enter the race. In 2004, Armstrong became the only six-time winner of the historic competetion.

This year's race, taking place July 2-24, goes 21 stages, including traveling through Germany, covering over 2,200 miles.

"Let's hope he can ride", offered one race wag. "And it's not Joe Louis shaking hands at a nightclub kind-of-thing".

Plans call for a new wristband to be available this summer, simply adorned with 'No. 7' and the Discovery Channel logo.


Pay-Per-View Scores Big; Signs Up Sugar vs. Splenda Bout

Outbidding Home Box Office's Big Night boxing series, the Food Network and Mark Cuban's HDNet, Pay-Per-View has landed the much anticipated super clash between long-time favorite, Sugar, versus precocious newcomer, Splenda.

Sources close to the talks indicate bids exceeded the speculated $150-million mark and could be as high as $250-million, or more.

A three-day tournament will pit Sugar vs. Splenda over a variety of grueling tests - from fruit juice and soda tastings, to foods, sauces and baking requirements. Along with taste, nutrition quality and caloric counts will weigh in the scoring.

Expert food tasters, chemists, farmers and corporate marketers and advertisers are in place to judge the contest. In the case of any controversy, a team of top-tier law firms will be on-hand to quickly secure depositions and file briefs.


Ricky Williams Waived By Marlins - Sort Of

Appearing glassy-eyed and disoriented, and cathing Manger Jack McKeon, and the rest of the Florida Marlins off-guard, retired star running back of the Miami Dolphins, Ricky Williams, reported for spring traing duty.

"I thought that maybe they made a deal without telling me", McKeon stated.

Reports indicate that Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria and President David Samson were called down to the field, when Williams refused to leave, even boasting to the reporters gathering that he was the Marlins centerfielder "until someone takes it away from me".

While the rest of the Marlins team and prospects went about their workouts, Mckeon, Loria, Samson and Williams huddled in the dugout, talking, and, at times, the discussion being very animated. After some 20-minutes, the group broke, with Loria and Samson escorting Williams to his car in the parking lot.

In a statement released later in the day, Samson indicated at no time was Ricky Williams a member of the Florida Marlins, could not explain his sudden appearance, or state-of-mind and, to resolve the situation, the Marlins agrees to "waive" Williams as he felt he still had time to catch on with another team.