Thursday, August 24, 2006

Breaking News! Bush Betting On Science To Bail Him Out

Bush Mobilizing Government, Private Scientists To Rush Development Of Political Plan B Pill

Says Morning After Use Can Still Bring Iraqis To View U.S. As Liberators; Placebos To Be Given To “Al-Qaeda Types”

Coming on the heels of the FDA’s announcement of approving the over-the-counter sales of the controversy-laden Plan B contraceptive, known commonly as the “morning-after pill”, and an Inspector General’s report declaring the “Seeds of Democracy” used as worthless, the White House disclosed that President Bush has mobilized both government and private industry to rush the development of a “Political Plan B” pill.

According to White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, who briefed reporters this evening, the program has actually been in place since “around February”, after the President’s State-of-the-Union speech.

“As many of you know, the President in that speech put out a call to the science and research community, to break the addiction to oil - and we got swamped with calls and papers from just about every corner of the universe... Big laboratories, universities and anyone with a rusty Gilbert Chemistry Set was knocking on the door ...”

“That, sort of, kicked off some talks here,” continued Snow, “about what, if anything we could do in Iraq, using all this egghead power that was coming into us.”

Bush Frustrated, Giving Up On Progress, But Ramping Up The Fear

The White House is desperately looking for any good news to stick its’ flag into, as the President personal approving ratings have sunk and more polls show that a majority of Americans do not feel safer, or believe that the war in Iraq is related to the War on Terror

For the first time since he diverted troops and resources from the War on Terror, and ordered the invasion and occupation of Iraq, President Bush is admitting to being disappointed.

As reported by the Washington Post today, President Bush, in his press conference earlier, failed to use the word “progress” when talking about the conditions in Iraq

"Frustrated?" he asked. "Sometimes I'm frustrated. Rarely surprised. Sometimes I'm happy. This is -- but war is not a time of joy. These aren't joyous times. These are challenging times and they're difficult times and they're straining the psyche of our country."

Most recently, President Bush has had to declare that “We’re Not Leaving So Long As I’m The President” to push back at his critics.

And in attempt to play on the “Fear Card” that has worked so well for the White House since September 11th and to capitalize on the recent terror plot broken up in London, Bush placed three new planets on the Terror Watch List, implicating Iran, who Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has called a “paper tiger”, in attempting to expand their influence.

This was after the President absorbed world-wide criticism for failing to call on Israel to institute a cease-fire in their conflict with Hezbollah.

Bush Snake-Bitten?

“This is the most down I’ve ever hear him”, said Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century. “It’s been a real rough stretch for the President, perhaps more than any other President has had to face.”

A string of mishaps, bad judgment and miscalculations have plagued the President and his administration for some time now, including;

- Blaming poor intelligence for giving German Chancellor Angela Merkel a hearty belly kiss

- Having to be talked out of having the photo of deceased terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, lay In Capital Rotunda

- Losing his Crawford Ranch for his typical August vacation to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki

- Having an earlier Inspector General tell the White House that they were out of strategies

Snow, and the White House, would not detail how, if developed, the new Political Plan B Pill would be used, or administered, citing National Security.

“We figured we’d “leak” it to you, before the New York Times decided to undercut us,” said Snow.

Political Plan B Pill Has “Liberator Power”

“I can tell you this, “ continued Snow, “that if this pill comes together the way these scientists have been talking, the President’s troubles will simply melt away.”

“We heard good things about this pill,” echoed Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative hawkish think tank, “Cry Wolf”, that is said to be closely affiliated with The Project for the New American Century (PNAC), and, some say, may be an adjunct to the White House Iraq Group, or WHIG.

“If it comes out,” said Varicator, “the President is likely to go for a double Nobel Prize - Peace and Science - in the same year, it’s that good. The Iraqi’s, or any other freedom-loving citizens, will get the pill and the Al-Qaeda-types will get a placebo.”

“Let me say this,” added Snow, “that once this pill comes out, and it’s used in its morning-after mode, the Iraqis may just yet greet us as liberators.”

The White House is betting that the Political Plan B Pill will put a smile on the face of President Bush and have all his problems "melt away"

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