Friday, August 18, 2006

Breaking News! Cheney Says Vote For Lamont Helps “New Solar System-Types”

Bush To Place New Planets On Terror Watch List; No Liquid Fly Rules In Place

President Calls Them “Intergalactic-Fascists.” Says Iran May Be Continuing To Expand Its Influence

With their mantra for the Fall elections of painting the Democrats as soft on National Security, and following a stinging setback by a Detroit Federal Court yesterday, that ruled President Bush’s warrantless surveillance program is unconstitutional, the Department of Homeland Security, at the urging of the White House, will announce that three new planets named this week will be placed on the Terrorist Watch List.

According to the DHS, an increase in chatter, over telephones and on the internet, gathered by “various intelligence agencies” indicate that these three new planets - Ceres, Charon, and 2003 UB313 (or, also to be known as “Xena”) - may have ties to terrorism.

“This is about keeping us safe, and saving lives,” says DHS Chief Michael Chertoff, in the statement issued to reporters last evening. “We take all threats seriously.“

DHS, along with the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) say that all existing travel guidelines, including the “No Liquids or Gels” rules are applicable and will be enforced for anyone traveling to the three new planets.

“We understand that there may be some inconvenience,” said Chertoff, “but with what we already know, and what we expect to learn about these three new threats, it better to be safe, than sorry.”

Bush: Must Stay Vigilant Against These New Intergalactic-Fascists

In a statement released late last evening by the White House, President Bush said that “It’s another reminder that we are at war with people, and other, unknown things, that want to hurt us, and they come from all parts of the world, and solar systems. We have to stay the course and stay vigilant against the Islamic-Fascists and now, these new Intergalactic-Fascists.”

Senator Joe Lieberman (I&R-CT) said last night that, if he is elected, by any state, he will stand behind the President as to any military action necessary against the three new planets.

Earlier, Vice President Dick Cheney, commenting on the pending action of placing the three new planets on the Terrorist Watch List, said that the “Vote for Ned Lamont that we saw recently will only encourage these solar-system-types.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who was consulted while in Pittsburgh yesterday, to address the World Affairs Council, said that "It is the nature of the enemy our country today faces -- a stateless enemy sometimes hidden in another world ... with their killing and destruction...”

Sources tell The Garlic that the White House sees that Iran may be behind the three new planets.

“This would be something, very likely, to appeal to Iran, and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,” said Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century. “He had a rather cryptic posting on his new blog recently that threw a flag up to the intelligence people.”

“They’re funding Hezbollah, they’re pushing their nuclear program,” says Martins. ‘It’s not that big of a stretch to find their fingerprints on these new planets.”

Reid: Politics of Fear Again; Dems Likely To Be Branded “Cut-and-Fly”

The Democratic response was shift and to the point last evening.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) labeled the news “Hogwash”.

This president, and his administration, is, once again, playing politics with terrorism,” blasted Reid. “It’s the politics of fear ... They get slammed for their illegal wiretapping program in the morning, then, suddenly, there’s a new terror threat in the afternoon ... And if we say anything about it were weak, were soft, we don’t want a safe and secure country.”

‘What will,” added a heated Reid, “likely come next is, since these three planets are in outer space, Karl Rove will start saying that the Democrats only want to“Cut-and-Fly” and not fight the terrorists. What I say to Rove is, call me when you see the first little green man, made out of cheese, walking down the street, or riding the subway, carrying a bomb ...”

Senator Joe Biden (D-MD) said the call by the White House is “pretty fantastic”

“I mean, c’mon, half the people in Iran don’t even have cars, but they want us to believe they have a thriving space program and are funding and supporting cosmic terrorism? What’s that consist of - a dubbed version of Star Trek?”

House Speaker Denny Hastert (R-IL) released a statement saying that he’s talked with the White House and that, once Congress is back in session, new legislation will be introduced “to fight this urgent problem”.

“The President will ask for a budget increase in his Missile Defense System, and, likely, we’ll take another look at that “bubble-thing” former President Reagan wanted to put up.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) defended the administration, saying that “it’s better to be cautious and prepared than not.”

They promised me,” added Frist, “some videotapes I can review and make a better diagnosis of the situation.

The International Astronomical Union, which announced the naming of Ceres, Charon, and 2003 UB313 earlier this week, was astounded at the White House announcement.

“We’re talking about three small planets,” said an IAU spokesperson, “out there are in deep, deep, deep outer space ... We don’t have much data on them, and it will take years to get a satellite out to them to collect more, so I don’t know how these people can say what they are saying.”

The White House sees the hand of Iran in the three new planets announced this week and is adding them to the Terror Watch List

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