Top Ten Cloves: Things That Will Be Missed With No More Oscar Night Swag Bags

News Item: IRS Targets Award Show Goody Bags

10. Per order of President Bush, a copy of Albert Camus “The Stranger”

9. With thanks to Northwest Airlines, a booklet titled "101 Ways To Save Swag"

8. No Swag Bags, and also no liquids or gels allowed; Only bombs have already been made and are on-screen

7. Note to people who got Swag Bags last year ... You want to pay attention to those notices from Dell Computer, and return your laptops for new batteries - and yes, the new battery will need to be declared on this years taxes

6. Another gift from the President - Once Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki clears out, a week’s stay at the Crawford Ranch

5. Thanks to Mel Gibson and Haley Joel Osment, you can kiss the wine and booze goodbye

4. Special, Directors-Cut DVD of “Republicans On A Plane”

3. Writing Lessons from Ann Coulter (Not sure how much their worth, but you have to accept and fight any plagiarism lawsuits without Academy assistance)

2. You could have gotten DaimlerChrysler’s “Dr. Z" as a man-servant for a week

1, In what would have been the most sought-after Swag item in years - A vial of Floyd Landis’s Testosterone