The Oscars ... "Perfectly awful!"

I have to say, I watched every moment of last nights Oscars, throughly enjoying myself, totally enthralled with the evenings' program.

On yeah, all of that, in the spirit of Leonard Pinth Garnel.

"Stunningly bad!", I could hear him dripping.

You would think, with 80 of these things under their belt, they would have the system down by the 81st.

But, noooooooooo ... 

They have to reinvent themselves - every year.

And not, necessarily, to the better.

"Gotta Dance!"

It worked for Gene Kelly, in "Singing in the Rain", but that was what, 57-years ago?

Hopefully, the "Exquisitely awful!", song-and-dance numbers last evening will, once-and-forever, end the torture of watching the industry make fools of themselves, year-after-year.

Robert Bianco, from USA TODAY, who, otherwise, liked the program, seems to agree;

Unfortunately, the improvements often seem to come more in spite of host Hugh Jackman than because of him. Jackman is an appealing performer, but despite his Broadway background, he is more an actor who can sing than an actual singer. That's a problem for a broadcast that twice stopped dead for the kind of production numbers that were corny when the June Taylor Dancers were doing them.

Memo to the Academy: You are the Academy of Motion Pictures - Show Clips!

If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium

Great, and heartwarming, considering the lack-of-stars, relatively low-budget, and whatever production hassles they had to endure, that Slumdog Millionaire cleaned up.

However, if I were the movies' caterer, I would be mighty pissed off, for it seems they were the only ones associated with the movie that were not present in the Kodak Theatre last evening.

And the nation's xenophobes must have been in gut-wrenching agongy watching the program, between the Austrialian host, Penelope Cruz, and the Slumdog parade to the winners circle.

I wonder how many shoes Lou Dobbs threw at this television screen ... He must have spent the better part of the night, to the chagrin of his family, berating the motion picture business, just marking off the time before it will all be part of "Communist China", or that they will have to subtitle the broadcast, in English.

Jerry Lewis

God Bless'em.

I thought they were going to have to lay down some dolly tracks in order to bring that segment to us.

Couldn't the producers given him a break, and conduct the honoring in the special booth section he was sitting, rather than have him careen around the stage, obviously the worse for whatever recent health issues that have befallen him. 

No doubt some in the audience might have had fear, the way he was swinging the Oscar around, a few times, like he was warming up for the hammer toss.

It's likely the Academy will get a nod for pulling the French out of their economic slump

Honoring Lewis will be setting off the employment of thousands, all working on new awards to give to their beloved cinematic hero.

The Wicker Man Effect

Who was the genius that came up with having the gaggle of past winners, come out, verbally describe the actors role, being sure to include some nod-and-a-wink "personal" touch?

It had the feel of "The Wicker Man", or "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", how they circled behind the winner, almost as if to pounce on them, tackle them, and begin devouring them like a pack of wolves.



Memo to the Academy: You are the Academy of Motion Pictures! ... 

It's a visual medium! ... If you were the Academy of Gabbing Heads, fine, but you're not, so show the fucking clips.

And when you do show the clips, you don't edit them with the entire history of motion picture film, a montage of your 81 years! ... The night is to celebrate, honor and award, a set number of people and pictures - from 2008 - and not to play "Where's Waldo" as to this years nominees ... 

Bring Out Your Dead

This is the standard, der rigeur segment of the show, the honor roll of those in the industry who have passed away.

And, it always plays out, that the more recent death, the younger the star (or the gigantically more famous) always get the big applause, as if the other dead were mere tag-alongs.

So, here was one of their heralded improvements - let's have a song sung during the Scroll of the Dead.

Well, for me, I started to cringe, and shout "No, No, you're not going to do that, are you?"

Seeing Queen Latifah come out, thinking how she can really belt it, my fear was - now think back to the above, of having the Gang of 5 talk about the nominees - that she was going to sing the names of the dead, to some snazzy, jazzy reworked rendition of, say, "La Mer", or "I've Got You Under My Skin".

They weren't that far off the mark, with "I'll Be Seeing You", which Wikipedia describes as;

The lyrics take a jaunty commonplace of casual farewell ..."

You don't, typically, associate "jaunty" and "casual" with death.

Maybe, that "the song became notably associated with Liberace, as the theme to his television show of the 1950s", it was another political statement to the Prop. 8 crowd.

Oh yeah, having the dead ping-ponging among multiple monitors was not a cool thing.




The Missed Kodak Moment

All kudos to Sean Pean, but the Academy voters missed the money shot, by not voting Mickey Rourke as the winner.

It doesn't come around too often, that story of a movie resembles, almost perfectly, the life of the lead actor, but they had that to consider, with Rourke's turn in 'The Wrestler'.

Yeah, but that does come every year, a "We Wuz Robbed" story.

Just like the "Unrelentingly bad!" song-and-dance numbers.

Which, undoubtedly, will be aplenty in the 82nd Oscar show.


Bonus Oscar Riffs

'Slumdog' wins big at Oscars ...Film takes eight trophies at Academy Awards

A ‘Slumdog’ Kind of Night at the Oscar Ceremony

Oscars backstage: Kate Winslet hugs, Sean Penn on Mickey Rourke, more!

Looking at Mickey Rourke and the Oscars

Joy in the Castro as Penn wins Oscar for 'Milk'

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Liven Up The Democrats' Debate This Evening

News Item: Obama, Clinton set for one-on-one face off

10. Set new rules - Since the debate is in Hollywood, make Hillary and Obama give their answers in David Mamet dialogue

9. Announce ahead of time to the audience, a secret word and then, when Hillary or Obama says it, a cartoon of a duck with a cigar drops from the ceiling with $100 bill for them

8. With work slowed down due to the Writer's Strike, pitch in and allow stand-ins and stunt-doubles during the debate

7. Make it interactive, since it's at the Kodak Theatre, and allow regular people on stage during the debate, to snap photos, capturing their "Kodak Moment"

6. If the debate is close, as a tie-breaker, announce whoever can name the most stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame will be declared the winner

5. To ensure a bevy of YouTube posts, have them take hits of helium before, and during, the debate

4. Being that both going to do a lot of spinning, instead of chairs, tables or podiums, place Hillary and Obama for the debate in one of those giant teacups from Disneyland

3. Hire a couple of seat-fillers from the Academy Awards and toss a few questions at them

2. To eliminate the bickering, set it up like the gameshow "Twenty-One", and put Hillary and Obama in soundproofs booths so they can't hear each others answers

1. Get things settled this evening - Have them arm-wrestle for the delegates from Florida and Michigan


Bonus Debate Riffs

Riding The Woody Allen Train To Last Night's MSNBC Democrat Debate

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At Democratic Candidates Debate

Barry Crimmins Is Rolling ... Snake Eyes!














To eliminate the bickering, set it up like the gameshow "Twenty-One", and put Hillary and Obama in soundproofs booths so they can't hear each others answers

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Oscars Last Evening

News Item: 'Departed' Arrives; Whitaker, Mirren Are King and Queen

10. I guess they ran short on time ... They were supposed to have a montage of movie people who shaved their heads this year

9. What's up with Quincy Jones? Is he wearing Captain Kangaroo's jacket tonight?

8. Jeez, I'd like to slip behind that white screen and ask the the Pilobolus Dance Theatre to act out fast forwarding this show

7. They should have, just as a gag, had Ralph Nader give Al Gore his Oscar

6. Now that he's finally won an Oscar, I'll bet Scorsese is hoping for just as long a losing streak in the Dead Pool

5. Boy, I'd love to listen to President Bush walking into a Blockbuster and trying to rent the film 'Pan's Labyrinth'

4. What's up with Reese Witherspoon? Did she have Kirk Douglas's chin surgical grafted to her face?

3. Forget about JetBlue, if this show goes any longer, we're going to need an Audience Bill of Rights

2. With Ellen DeGeneres hosting, Melissa Etheridge winning, Bill Donohue must be having fits

1. I heard a lot of winners are going to immediately sell their Oscars on eBay and give the money to Obama














Inventing the Internet, thousands of dollars ... Losing Supreme Court decision over the 2000 Presidency, millions of dollars ... Winning an Oscar - Priceless!