Wednesday 17 August 2005

Iraqi Constitution Delay Due To Writer's Block

Rituals, Special Foods, Beating Saddam All Employed To "Getting The Juices Flowing"

Critics charge that the delay in having, at minimum, a draft Iraqi Constitution, is due to the stress and pressure - at times, literally under fire - of keeping pace with the artificial deadlines imposed by the Bush Administration.

While those reasons may factor into it, there is a more common problem that appears to be the root of the issue.

Late last night, The Garlic, in an exclusive, learned that a majority of the members of the constitution committee 'writer's block', including President Jalal Talabani.

In and on-and-off-the-record interview, American ambassador, Zalmay Khalilzad, who has worked closely with the Iraqi leaders, both throughout the constitution-writing process and Monday evening, as the deadline loomed over them, said that "we could see this coming now for a few weeks."

Khalizad would not confirm or deny which specific members have writer's block but did say it was "prevalent" within the committee.

"We took time-outs, had leisurely lunches, and really tried to make it a fun exercise," said the ambassador.

Khalizad stated that it became apparent "about two-weeks" ago that the committee was "fatigued" and showing the first signs of writer's block. One member of the committee was obsessively rearranging his desk, constantly moving and placing objects with painfully attentive care.

Soon, it mushroomed, with members chanting, wearing the same clothes for days and bringing into the meeting, farm animals.
Though a number of committee members didn't know what to call it, the issue of writer's block was addressed directly.

The constitution writing sessions evolved into a tightly scheduled practice. Khalizad said that he did offer "suggestions" and was there to assist, to "get the juices flowing".

Special foods were prepared and many breaks were taken. For those that paced, they were given notepads and pens and asked to jot down ideas as they walked around the room.

One group of members, according to Khalizad, took a helicopter ride over Baghdad for "inspiration".

And, the most controversial measure taken, of which Ambassador Khalizad would not comment on, but was confirmed by other sources, was the beating for former leader, Saddam Hussein.

Late one evening, at least eight members (some accounts say 12) were taken to the prison holding Hussein and the members punched and kicked the former dictator for "at least 20-minutes"

"They were screaming and yelling," according to one sources. "Hussein didn't know what the hell was going on."

Khalizad said that "a few members have already come out of it" and is confident the remaining members with writer's block will soon follow.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice offered only that "these Iraqi leaders are taking the brave step toward democracy."

President Bush is on vacation and could not be reached for comment.



The cast of HBO's 'Sopranos' has reached out to the Bush Administration, advising they will offer their services to go to Iraq, and "give those guys alittle nudge" as to completeing the new Iraqi Constitution.