Thursday 31 March 2005

Yankee's Have More Than The Unit For Sox Opener
Tensions High As Many On Team Bringing Big Brothers For Retribution

Newly acquired ace, Randy Johnson is being handed the ball for the season opener against defending World Champions and arch rivals, the Boston Red Sox. However, there will be some other weapons available, as many Yankee players have said they are bringing to the game their big brothers, to gain some retribution from last year's loss.

One player, who declined to be identified, indicated that "my bro is going to kick some ass".

As many as 11 of the current members of the Yankee's will have an older sibling at the game, poised to take on a Red Sox. One offered that it will be his older sister ("man, she was the toughest kid on the block…").

It's unclear if the Yankee siblings will be allowed into the Yankee dugout, or if they will be sitting in the stands.

While many of the Yankees admit that they gave away the American League Championship Series, losing four-straight games. However, the war-of-words waged over the winter went to far for some. They are angry and they want to Red Sox to pay for it.

Red Sox General Manager, Theo Epstein has written to the Yankee's, indicating his concern for security.

The Yankee's have stated that they are unaware of this situation and will provide the typical security at Yankee Stadium for both a home opener and a visit from the Boston Red Sox.

Unconfirmed rumors and reports have the Red Sox suiting up local Boston boxing champ, Johnny Ruiz, in anticipation of trouble from the Yankee siblings. Another points out that some of the Red Sox will have their older brothers at Fenway Park the following week, at the Red Sox home opener against the New York Yankees

The Red Sox-Yankee rivalry is baseball's most terse and heated. During the 2004 season, in each meeting, there were high tensions, flare-ups and brawls, including a bout between two Yankee pitchers and a Red Sox groundskeeper that resulted in the two Yankee pitchers being placed under arrest.

In a related story, the New York Yankees have named Geraldo Rivera as Honorary Captain for the season opener. Rivera, as reported by The Garlic last Tuesday (22 March - Geraldo Rivera To Go Under For Investigative Report, Schiavo Scoop) is in a medically-induced vegetative state.

Media Hunts For Next Med Case
Looking For High Tensions, Legal and Rights Extras

With the latest rejection by the U.S. Supreme Court to issue an order to reinstate the feeding tube to Terri Schiavo, and her imminent death, a number of media have fanned out across the country seeking the next high-drama medical case.

Reports indicate that senior producers for Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, ABC and CBS have been searching through hospitals, clinics and hospices for a pending death that offers intricate legal wrangling and heated political passions.

Unconfirmed reports have tabloid magazines offering substantial sums of money for an exclusive pending-death story.

"Our Ad revenue is up 27%", offered one producer who asked not to be identified. "We couldn't have dreamed up better programming. The rating are through the roof … "

Insiders say there are hundreds of producers, assistants, even interns, combing through medical records, visiting hospitals and clinics, searching for a gripping case.

"The Pope thing, that's moving too slow, and it's in another country … Johnny Cochran … He went too fast … We were hoping that Jerry Falwell didn't recover so well and stayed on the respirator. That would have been a bonanza … High-profile celebrity … Life-or-Death … It would have automatically brought in the religious right …"

Indeed, the political and religious ramifications have driven the Schiavo case, as much as, or more than the medical aspect of it, including unprecedented action by the U.S. Congress in drafting a bill specifically for Schiavo.

"Man, Falwell on a respirator … Protesters by the thousands … Having the President and Congress get into it … We're talking Emmy-material here …"

Sources say that the Fox Network, if unsuccessful in their search, will launch a 'life-or-death' Reality series next Fall.


NIST Warns Of Caution In 'Springing Forward'
Cites Annual Deaths, Injuries Climbing

The National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) issued a warning of caution in pushing our clocks ahead this Sunday to commence the start of Daylight Saving Time. Annually, over 35,000 are killed and 14,000 injured.

NIST cites the main cause of the deaths and injuries are human error and a lack-of-attention.

"Many, many of these deaths could be avoided", said Stanley Hammerstein, a NIST Information Director. "People need to pay attention to the task, it's really that simple".

Hammerstein indicated deaths and injuries have increased about 15% in the past 10-years.

"You have a wide array of things that go wrong. People are eating when they turn the clocks ahead, talking on cell phones, putting on make-up. They also choose all manner of objects - many very unsafe - to stand on to reach the clocks".

The federal law that established "daylight time" in this country does not require any area to observe daylight saving time. But if a state chooses to observe DST, it must follow the starting and ending dates set by the law which since 1986 have been the first Sunday in April to the last Sunday in October. About 70 countries around the world observe DST in some form.

Hammerstein urges people to go the NIST website (www.nist.gov), where they can view or download a pamphlet with tips on safely observing Daylight Saving Time.