Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 18 March 2007

Former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz said that the 4th anniversary celebration of the war in Iraq "should pay for itself"


Former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton indicated he may toss his hat into the ring, to become the next Attorney General once Crony General Gonzales is fired or leaves, saying, "They want to fire some attorneys? I'll fire them alright! I'll boot their asses out the door so hard they'll have my shoe imprint for months!"
















Rita Cosby, recently let go by MSNBC, called a news conference to announce that she'll be "super live and real direct" if she ever catches Dan Abrams in a dark alley


Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban announced he plans on sitting with his arms folded, "for as long as it takes" until Google gives up the names of persons using copyrighted material on Google Video and YouTube








Former Senator and actor Fred Thompson dismissed criticism of his possible run for president, saying "it takes a big pair of brass ones to be President and I got'em"










Thompson then immediately said that one of his rivals, Congressman Duncan Hunter "doesn't have'em!"

























Said by White House insiders that she is still bitter over her aborted Supreme Court nomination, Harriet Miers is fighting to hold back emails in the U.S. Attorney Firing investigation, as there may be a few where she is said to have explored the options on firing President Bush

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 18 February 2007

A missed opportunity was announced by the campaign of Senator Hillary Clinton. A spokesperson indicated that Senator Clinton was prepared to admit that her vote on the Iraq War was a mistake, but due to the rare Saturday Senate Session, she had to cancel the announcement. The spokesperson said that, due to an already overbooked schedule, Senator Clinton doesn't know when she will be able to get to it, if at all.












President Bush downplayed the removal of two moles on Friday, that turned out to be benign, saying it was little more than "Ek-A-Lec-Tic surgery"













Britney Spears announced today, in an effort to dispell all the rumors, that there was a specific reason she shaved her head.

Ms. Spears indicated that she had lost a bet with a close friend, being she was "dead sure" the E.F.P.'s (explosively formed penetrators) found in Iraq were from Syria, and and not from Iran, as President Bush and his Administration have claimed.












In a profound ironic twist, lawyers for former Aid to President Bush and Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, sheepishly admitted today that they rested their defense without calling Libby to the stand because they were "completely overburdened and just forgot".












JetBlue, in an effort to stem the criticism from cancelling flights and leaving their customers stranded for days, announced that they have "TIVO'd" all the DirectTV programming they offer on their flights, so that their customers "won't miss any of their favorite programs when they begin flying again"

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 11 February 2007

Actor Daniel Radcliffe said that after appearing in the stage production of 'Equus', sans clothing, that he has been lobbying author J.K. Rowling to rewrite the final Harry Potter book, with "Harry not wearing any clothes".

Said Radcliffe, "we could demonstrate, quite well, that Harry is no longer a little boy and we could generate an entire new audience to keep the series going."



















Coincidentally, former New Life Church pastor Ted Haggard, who announced last week that, after an intensive three-week program, he is now "completely heterosexual", is reported, after seeing Radcliffe's performance, to have contacted Rowling, also suggesting that she rewrite Harry Potter so that Radcliffe can appear in future Potter movies in the nude.


















Former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz said he backs President Bushs' new surge policy, and his continued threats against Iran.

Said Wolfewitz, "If you simply reuse the material we had for the build-up to invading Iraq, the run-up to war with Iran should pay for itself"















Lt. General David Petraeus frustrated lawmakers at a recent hearing , when asked how much longer he sees U.S. troops in Iraq, motioned with his hands, saying "This much"




















With the evidence, to-date, in the trial of former Assistant to the President, and Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby detailing a much deeper and hands-on role by Vice President Cheney, The Garlic has obtained a photograph entered into evidence, of Cheney in the his office, on a typical work day



















Senator Barak Obama, who, yesterday announced his candidacy for president, said if people want to make his race an issue, that he would expect "fair play" and that "the other candidates be charged with not being white enough."

Obama added, that in the case of New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, Richardson "would have to decide on either not being white enough, or not being Hispanic enough"

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 28 January 2007

Russian President Vladimir Putin was said to be "complete unamused" after being teased by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, in a sing-song manner, whispering to Putin "Now I can't remember, where did I put my vile Polonium-210?"














In a stunning move on Friday, actor Willam Macy joined the Scooter Libby defense team

Macy said that he was researching a role, where he will portray a lawyer, and was "quite surprised" when Ted Wells, Libby's attorney, offered Macy to sit in on the trial

Both Macy and Wells denied that they were planting a seed to, if Libby is found guilty, appeal the verdict on the grounds that Macy is not a licensed attorney














The White House today admitted to an omission in President Bush's State of the Union Address earlier this week

After tense negotiations, that went right up to minutes before the speech, Bush was able to come to terms with movie producer and director George Lucas, to activate the Star Wars '501st Legion' Stormtroopers and include them in his new Iraq surge
















And in another admission, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that he was "a little paranoid" as to comments made by his predecessor, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield, during the transition and, as a precaution, has bodyguards, one from each branch of the service















When briefed about Gates' comments, Rumsfield, and Vice President Dick Cheney, denied they had a "pact" to "get Gates".

"Heavens-to-Betsy, what planet are you from." scoffed Rumsfield to reporters.

Cheney simply brushed off questions, barking "Frankly, I think you are out of line"




















Hollywood is shocked, following the bombshell announcement that actor Isaiah Washington was leaving his rehab early, to come out of the closet and announce, in an ironic and bizzare twist, that he and fellow 'Grey's Anatomy' actor T.R. Knight were getting engaged.

Washington had entered rehab for unleashing a homophobic slur against Knight, then denying it, but repeating it again at the Golden Globe Awards.

A spokesperson denied that it was a publicity stunt and that the couple plans on getting married, in San Francisco, later this year.

Weekend-Holiday Special - Sautéed Cloves 15 January 2007

"...And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 31 December 2006

A rather surprising development has come out of President Bush's extended deliberations as to coming up with a new policy for his Iraq Occupation.

The brainstorming sessions have produced a new singing group - Dubya and the Neconettes. The group plans on recording military and religious tunes that will be sent to the troops over in Iraq for inspiration in carrying out the new strategy.

The rumor mill is blazing with the reports that, beginning in 2007, Gayle King is out and Julia Roberts in as Oprah Winfrey's "special friend"

Michael Jordon announced this week that he is divorcing his wife of 17-years..

Jordon, a notorious gambler also said that he will be flying off to Las Vegas as soon as the divorce is official, to collect on a $5-Million bet he made, that his marriage wouldn't last 20-years.

In the "N0-Luck Department", ousted publisher Judith Regan said that she worked "right up to his first step on to the gallows" with landing now-deceased and former Iraq Dictator Saddam Hussein, for a "tell-all" blockbuster, "If I Was Guilty, Here's How I Would Have Gassed The Kurds"

Jason, who never put any stock in making New Years Resolutions, thought, perhaps now was the time ... He would stop wearing his matador outfit on first-dates as means to, hopefully, land that elusive second date

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 17 December 2006

In preparation for the President announcing his new Iraq strategy, old props and sets are getting moved out, cleaned up and repainted. White House Officials are telling The Garlic that the former “Plan For Victory” stage set is getting a makeover and will become “Resolutions For Victory” on January 1st, with the President revealing his New Years’ Resolutions right from the set

Following his dolphin-saving heroics last week, Bao Xishen, the world’s tallest man at 7-foot-9-inches, from Inner Mongolia, will be receiving an invitation from the Democratic Leadership when Congress returns to session next month. The hope is that, once Oversight Hearings start, Xishen can use his 41.7-inch reach to pull the lies out of witnesses appearing before the committees

Unconfirmed reports have Rev. Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition of America, meeting with Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife, Lynne Cheney, to assure them that he has already spoken with God, and that any tsunamis or earthquakes that he has asked God to strike homosexuals with, Mary Cheney, the couples expecting daughter will be spared. Robertson also echoed President Bush’s belief that the Cheney’s lesbian daughter will make a “loving mother”

Publishers of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary announced today that they will immediately edit both their on-line and hard-cover dictionaries to include Time Magazine under the word “Lame”, after the magazine named their 2006 Person of the Year as “You, Yes, You. You Control The Information Age. Welcome To Your World”

Other dictionary publishers indicated they were likely to follow with placing Time Magazine under “Lame” as well

If ESPN has anything to say about it, Senator Barack Obama will be joining the network’s Monday Night Football crew. Obama’s opening of the show last week, a tongue-in-cheek tease of the popular Senator possibly announcing his candidacy for President exploded over the Internet.

ESPN is said to be pursuing Obama “heavy” for ‘Monday Night Football’ and that it should be a “no-brainer” because “we’ll pay him a heck-of-a-lot more then what a president of the country makes”.

ESPN is also believed to be throwing at Obama, a package that includes his own show, a video game starring the Senator and ESPN will work with the NFL to see that Obama’s favorite team, the Chicago Bears, win the Super Bowl this year

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 10 December 2006

Rice In, Rove Out

With reports of a riff between President Bush and White House Advisor Karl Rove, over Rove’s use of “The Math” to miscalculate the 2006 Midterm elections, Rove is now regulated to walking behind the President and is often ignored by President Bush, and other cabinet members.

With President Bush all but ignoring the Iraq Study Group Report, and waiting for suggestions from the Pentagon, as well as internally, from the White House staff, a classified memo leaked indicates the that President Bush is considering employing Indian Snake Charmers to help stem the violence in Iraq.

Due to a government crackdown , the private Bush memo states there are “more then enough snake charmers to cover most of Iraq”

As cited by the Iraq Study Group, the poor infrastructure and reconstruction of Iraq, military personnel must ride around, at times, for miles, before they can pick up a signal to make and complete a telephone call

In the Good-Timing Department, Jason Lee, star of hit NBC comedy “My Name Is Earl” announced that the show will adopt the Iraq Study Group Report into the show’s storyline. Lee indicated that they were running out of ideas on how his character could keep making good on past misdeeds and that “the 79 recommendations sure gives us a lot to work with”

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 3 December 2006

The 4th Annual Beirut Marathon started and finished at the same moment, as the shot from the starter's pistol to begin the race was met with a barrage of gunfire, mortar attacks and car bombs, killing 14, injuring 37 and at least a dozen confirmed kidnappings.

Organizers of the event said they will try it again next year

Russian President Vladimir Putin claims he has an alibi and couldn’t have poisoned Alexander Litvinenko, telling officials that he was having dinner with former NFL star O.J. Simpson and actor Robert Blake

In a related story, the Fox Network and Judith Regan are said to be in discussions with Putin, to have the Russian President appear in a television special, and pen a book, tentatively titled “I Didn’t Kill Anybody ... But If I Did, Here’s How I Would Poison My Critics”

After apologizing last week, for the error of this years’ hurricane season forecast, saying “...We have a confession. We got something wrong," admitting that the stream of "dire predictions" reported earlier in the season "wasn't even close...", NBC Anchor Brian Williams said he was sorry and feels “just awful” about the early-season snowstorm that slammed the Midwest and Northeast on Friday

The Congressman-elect from Minnesota, Keith Ellison, a Muslim, has drawn the ire of the Conservative Right by indicating he will use the Quran during his ceremonial swearing-in

In an effort to see that the situation doesn’t mushroom into a bigger controversy, Ellison has proposed substituting the Quran with Noam Chomsky’s 'Hegemony or Survival: The Imperialist Strategy of the United States’

The State Department admitted today that they were close, very close to conscripting Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and sending them to Buenos Aires, Argentina, to aid and chaperone the Bush Twins, before asking the President’s daughters to leave the country

Okay ... After I meet with Maliki, I come out and say what - “Heck of a job he’s doing” or “He’s the right guy for Iraq”?... And that there are no graceful exits and we’re staying there ... And I should keep on blaming Al Qaeda for all the violence ... What about, do I throw in any mushroom clouds, or blame it all on Rumsfeld...

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 26 November 2006

In attempting to spin the horrible news coming out of Iraq, the White House today downplayed the escalating violence and announced a spike in the Iraq economy, with Used Car sales fueling the growth














At the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation conference in Vietnam last week, President Bush suffered another setback, as Mr. Bush only placed as 5^th Runner-up in the fashion show component of the event



















While in Vietnam, the President quietly approved arms and cocaine sales, to a still-to-be-determined country, with the profits held in escrow until Nicaraguan President-elect Daniel Ortega officially takes office, and an opposition group can be launched to overthrow the new President, using the funds from the arms sales to aid in their efforts















Black Friday shoppers got a special surprise if they were in the hunt to buy new tires. Firestone, and soon followed by all major tire makers, offered a new baby, on a First-Come, First-Served-basis (as long as the supply lasted), with the purchase of every pair sold













In yet another program to quell the rising level of violence in Iraq, U.S. and Coalition forces began installing “Kryptonite” fences in key areas. The green-glowing barriers will be accompanied by a major media campaign, warning insurgents that they may be “vulnerable”, with the fences zapping away their strength.

The Pentagon would neither confirm nor deny that the new Kryptonite fences were part of the deal with Disney and will be part of the DisneyBaghdad program currently being built