News Item: Haggard now "completely heterosexual"
10. Plans on getting the Miller Lite Men in the Square Room to rescind and ban that it’s it’s okay to get a massage and do crystal meth with a gay male escort
9. Has blocked and filtered straight to Junk Mail any IM's or E-Mails from MAF54 on his Blackberry
8. Keeps watching the Paris Hilton Anti-Gay and Racial Slurs Video over-and-over
7. Loved the Snickers Super Bowl Commercial; Ripped his own chest hair out while watching it
6. Watched while Haggard threw away all his "Will and Grace" videos
5. Haggard kept making manly, lascivious comments while watching the Celtic Woman video
4. According to wife, "Ted's a very, very romantic guy. We love watching 'Sleepless in Seattle.' Can you imagine my big testosterone-factor husband doing that?"
3. Put him in a room, one-on-one, with Isiah Washington and Washington, not once, hurled any homophobic insults at him
2. President Bush helped; It wasn't "urges" that Haggard was seeking to act on, but he was getting the calling for "surges"
1. Haggard has new admission - He wants to have an affair with Gavin Newsom's campaign manager's wife
According to Reverend Ralph, Haggard kept making manly, lascivious comments while watching the Celtic Woman video, proving his heterosexuality