Inner Turmoil Has Bush Blaming Bridge Collapse On Al Qaeda In Iraq; Cheney Points To Iran

White House Torn Apart, Aides Sniping At Each Other; DHS's Chertoff Ad-Libs "Dry Run" Scenario As Middle Ground

On the eve of his visit to the disaster-stricken, collapsed Minnesota bridge, President Bush is said to be engaged in a bitter division with his self-appointed Vice President.

Sources tell The Garlic this evening that a full-scale brawl has erupted in the West Wing of the Bush Grindhouse, as aides supportive of The Commander Guy are standing behind him in wanting to blame the collapse of the I-35W Bridge in Minneapolis, Minnesota on al Qaeda in Iraq.

This pits them against a larger group firmly supporting Vice President Dick Cheney, who seeks to claim that the bridge collapse is the work of agents from Iran.

"This is as bad as it has ever been," offered a source, with close ties to the Bush Grindhouse.

"They've gone full bore on this, with press releases already prepared ... Video is being edited in the Situation Room, to back up arguments ... There's a rumor going around that Cheney, working through his people in the Pentagon, already have four, or five stooges in Iran, that they can pin a conspiracy gang charge on ...Cheney's winning this thing, he's got all his cards lined-up"

The President, reportedly, is leaning on the National Security Agency (NSA) to produce captured, legal or illegal, wiretaps to back up his claim.

Publicly, The Decider Guy has been conducting his affairs in a normal fashion, offering his sympathies to the victims of the bridge collapse and, at the same time, hedging his bets with citing deficiencies in the bridge.

It was said that Bush had a "very difficult time" not speaking out at his Rose Garden news conference yesterday, to begin pointing the finger at al Qaeda in Iraq.

Cheney Stiffed By Russert; Chertoff Ad-Libs New "Gut Feeling"

Meanwhile, the Vice President was said to be calling Tim Russert, and seeking to get on 'Meet The Press" this coming weekend, offering the host an "irresistible scoop" regarding the bridge collapse.

The Vice President's office, confident that could break the Iran-Is-To-Blame charge on national television, was stunned when Russert failed to offer Cheney a segment on the program.

There are reports that Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff was pulled into the mix, and put on the spot of either supporting the President, or the Vice President.

Chertoff, apparently, ad-libbed a new "gut feeling", indicating that it would be best to categorize the bridge collapse as a "possible dry run" by terrorists looking to attack the United States again.

First Lady Calls For New Donation

With the First Lady, Laura Bush, visiting the disaster site today, no word of the feud was leaked, so as not to put the First Lady in a position of having to publicly rebuke, presumably, the Vice President.

The First Lady met with emergency officials and rescue workers, offering her sympathies and support.

"And many bridges are stable ahh..now. But, of course, what we see on television is the one bridge collapse a day that discourages everybody."

The First Lady also announced that she will be asking friends and supporters of the President add $35 to their $61 donation to the RNC, as a tribute for her husbands' birthday, with the extra money being designated for any single woman effected by the bridge collapse, that they can continue their hunt for a husband.

Bridge Opportunity Zone May Be In The Offing

It's not clear if The Shakespeare Guy will come out and blame al Qaeda in Iraq during his visit to Minneapolis tomorrow.

Aides, particularly the group working on his domestic agenda, are lobbying for a "New Orleans-type" speech.

The White House has shipped klieg lights to the Twin Cities, and sent an advance team to scout out cathedrals that Bush could use as a backdrop.

If the President does that, gushed a source close to the West Wing, "we can get the bridge refugees up and back on their feet, just as good, and just as quickly as we got New Orleans back on her feet".

The domestic team has advocated to the President that he announce a "Bridge Opportunity Zone", following his New Orleans blueprint, to assist persons and business affected by the bridge collapse.

The President, will not, as some wire reports indicated, name a "Bridge Czar", and Vice President Dick Cheney will not accompany the President to Minneapolis.

The OVP indicated there is a schedule conflict, that the Vice President will be with former Secretary of War Donald "I Can't Recall" Rumsfeld, preparing for the Armageddon.
















The President may reprise his New Orleans plan and announce a "Bridge Opportunity Zone" during his visit to Minneapolis tomorrow