Now That Would Have Been Some Marketing Meeting!

WOW!


If this marketing meeting had taken place, about the only thing that could rival it would be Lenny Bruce's "Religion Inc."


 


Seems the former Big Cheese of Al-Qaeda, Osama bin Laden, was fretting that his creation of terrorism and murder was losing its' marketing punch.


Osama wanted new name for al-Qaida to repair image

As Osama bin Laden watched his terrorist organization get picked apart, he lamented in his final writings that al-Qaida was suffering from a marketing problem. His group was killing too many Muslims and that was bad for business. The West was winning the public relations fight.


[snip]


The problem with the name al-Qaida, bin Laden wrote in a letter recovered from his compound in Pakistan, was that it lacked a religious element, something to convince Muslims worldwide that they are in a holy war with America.


Maybe something like Taifat al-Tawhed Wal-Jihad, meaning Monotheism and Jihad Group, would do the trick, he wrote. Or Jama'at I'Adat al-Khilafat al-Rashida, meaning Restoration of the Caliphate Group.


As bin Laden saw it, the problem was that the group's full name, al-Qaida al-Jihad, for The Base of Holy War, had become short-handed as simply al-Qaida. Lopping off the word "jihad," bin Laden wrote, allowed the West to "claim deceptively that they are not at war with Islam." Maybe it was time for al-Qaida to bring back its original name.

I don't know ...

Coca Cola didn't get very far with their "New Coke" efforts


Then again, how would you like to be the young ad exec handling the account?


But Wait! ... There's More!


OBL, also, was getting all Jack-Lemmon-Save-The-Tiger, bemoaning the younger generation;

In one letter sent to Zawahri within the past year or so, bin Laden said al-Qaida's image was suffering because of attacks that have killed Muslims, particularly in Iraq, officials said. In other journal entries and letters, they said, bin Laden wrote that he was frustrated that many of his trusted longtime comrades, whom he'd fought alongside in Afghanistan, had been killed or captured.


Using his courier system, bin Laden could still exercise some operational control over al-Qaida. But increasingly the men he was directing were younger and inexperienced. Frequently, the generals who had vouched for these young fighters were dead or in prison. And bin Laden, unable to leave his walled compound and with no phone or Internet access, was annoyed that he did not know so many people in his own organization.

Guess he didn't apply to be on 'Undercover Boss'.


This ranks up there, before we get too derisive, with our own government labeling the killing of innocent civilians as "collateral damage."


Cue up "Que Sera Sera" ...


 


Bonus Riffs


Spencer Ackerman: Contest: Pick al-Qaida’s New Name


Jeff Neumann: Osama Bin Laden Worried About Al Qaeda’s Image Problem


Blackwater Going All Prince On Us (But You Can Pronounce The Name)

Good Satire Alert - Al-Qaeda Announces Move To CD/DVD

We got hip, recently, to the site 'Cap News', which bills itself as "News satire and parody, covering comedy and humor from politics to sports and health to technology."

For our money, it is sharper, and more sophisticated than 'The Onion', targeting current events daily, versus the latters' "Average Man Shocked To Discover He Has Above-Average Problems"-type stories.

And today, 'Cap News' delivered another howler;

Al-Qaeda Announces Move To CD/DVD

SAN DIEGO, Calif. (CAP) - Following continued complaints of poor audio quality and amateurish video, al Qaeda has announced a deal with Sony Corp. to begin distributing its terrorist messages in the CD/DVD format.

"We're proud to announce this strategic initiative with one of the world's leading terrorist organizations," Sony CEO Sir Howard Stringer said in a prepared statement. "We understand the extreme importance of communication in their industry and the explosive risks of failure and are prepared to meet those head on."

Go to 'Cap News' to check out the full piece, as well as others.

And, we recommend signing up for their daily email.

Of Creamy White House Stationary ...

Somewhere, in recent days, deep in the bowels of the Bush Grindhouse, The Commander Guy meets up with Mr. Slam Dunk ...

Bush: I wish to complain about this forged letter that I purchased not five-years ago, from your very agency.

Tenet: Oh yes, the, uh, the Creamy White House Stationary ...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

B: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'The Saddam-Al Qaeda connection is dead, that's what's wrong with it!

T: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

B: Look, matey, I know a dead Saddam-Al Qaeda connection when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

T: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable forgery, the Creamy White House Stationary , idn'it, ay? Beautiful calligraphy!

B: The calligraphy don't enter into it. He's stone dead.

T: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

B: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Saddam-Al Qaeda connection! I've got a lovely fresh WMD for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)

T: There, he moved!

B: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

T: I never!!

B: Yes, you did!

T: I never, never did anything...

B: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO Saddam-Al Qaeda connection!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes Saddam-Al Qaeda connection out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

B: Now that's what I call a dead Saddam-Al Qaeda connection.

T: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

B: STUNNED?!?

T: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Creamy White House Stationary stuns easily, major.

B: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Saddam-Al Qaeda connection is definitely deceased, and when I purchased that letter if not five-years ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

T: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the WMD's.

B: PININ' for the WMD's?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

T: The Creamy White House Stationary prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable forgery, id'nit, squire? Lovely calligraphy!

B: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Saddam-Al Qaeda connection when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

T: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that Saddam-Al Qaeda connection down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

B: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this Saddam-Al Qaeda connection wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! E's bleedin' demised!

T: No no! 'E's pining!

B: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This Saddam-Al Qaeda connection is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-SADDAM!!

(pause)

T: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

T: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Saddam-Al Qaeda connections.

B: I see. I see, I get the picture.

T: I got a Iran.

(pause)

B: Pray, does it have WMD's?

T: Nnnnot really.

B: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

T: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!

In case you were preoccupied, perhaps sitting by your mailbox, waiting for your "Obama Energy Policy" tire gauge to arrive, a gigantic shoe dropped yesterday, with the publication of Ron Suskind's new book, 'The Way of the World', detailing the Bush Grindhouse forging a letter to tie Saddam Hussein (and their invasion and occupation of Iraq), with Al Qaeda, and September 11th

Here's Suskind, with Keith Olbermann, on Countdown last evening;

Aug. 5: In a cable exclusive author Ron Suskind talks with Countdown’s Keith Olbermann about allegations in his book, “The Way of the World,” including the claim that the White House ordered that a letter be forged to draw a connection between Iraq and 9/11 even though there wasn't one.

Book: White House faked Iraq-9/11 link

(This was followed up with an Olbermann and John Dean conversation, on the various illegalities involved in this forgery)

Now, coming from the thugs that formed a group inside the Bush Grindhouse (WHIG), and also hired out a firm (The Lincoln Group) to plant lies in the Iraqi media, all the congressional hearings, all the Judy Millers and Scooter Libbys, they expect to be believed?

The Monty Python skit above may be absurd, but not nearly as what will be the pushback, already taking place, from the Bush Grindhouse.

This will be "All Hands On Deck", perhaps their most urgent need of a "Mission Accomplished" moment.

This came from the Bush Grindhouse, yesterday;

White House press spokesman Tony Fratto attacked Suskind today, stating that he “makes a living from gutter journalism” and calling the book one of Suskind’s “bizarre conspiracy theories.”

(Ed. Note - Suskind is a Pulitzer Prize-winning author)

Christ, CNN, this morning, even pulled in Fran Townsend (she of infinite Al Qaeda knowledge) to toss rocks at it.

The character assassination they've been throwing at Scott McClellan will look like blown kisses compared to what will be aimed at Suskind in the days and weeks ahead.

But that's going to be a tough rope to pull, causing them a great deal in inner conflict.

With Suskind bringing out his book this week, it must be ringing in their ears, remembering the advice of former Bush Grindhouse Chief of Staff Andy Card, and his neocon wisdom of "From a marketing point of view, you don't introduce new lies in August."


Bonus Bush Forged Letter Links

Emptywheel: Tenet and the “Creamy White House Stationery”

Booman: White House Approved Forged Iraqi Memo

Digby: Hear No Evil

Larisa Alexandrovna - Suskind: Bush admin ordered forgery...

No More Mister Nice Blog: ENGLAND'S JUDY MILLER SERVED AS PRESS AGENT FOR BUSH FORGERY

Anonymous Liberal: The Other Half of the Letter

Brilliant at Breakfast: We'd be within our rights to demand an apology

Wanted Dead Or ... Ahh, The Hell With It .. I'll Let The Next President Get'em ...

Maybe, instead of having him classified as a terrorist, the FBI's #1 Wanted Man, The Commander Guy can call Osama bin Laden a tax cut, that way, he'll be motivated, like all-get-out, to see that the mission gets accomplished.

Not exactly a head-shaker, being his consistent detachment, his always-growing disinterest in capturing Osama bin Laden, going back to, well, first, the left turn he took out of Afghanistan to attack and occupy Iraq, his closing the CIA office that was after the #1 terrorist, his admission that Bid Laden's capture wasn't a "top priority", and now, to this;

Bush: Bin Laden Will Be ‘Gotten By A President’ (But Probably Not This One)

"It has been 2,326 days since 9/11, and the chief mastermind behind those attacks, Osama bin Laden, has not yet been captured. “If we could find the cave he is in, I promise you — he would be brought to justice or wherever he’s hiding,” President Bush tells Fox News in “George W. Bush: Fighting to the Finish,” a documentary scheduled to air Sunday night. Fox reports:

Bush says in the interview he’s confident bin Laden ultimately will be found.

“He’ll be gotten by a president,” Bush says.

And to critics who say he hasn’t done enough to find bin Laden, Bush is blunt:

“They don’t know what they’re talking about,” he says."

And neither does he!

Now, this isn't to be confused, with the profound and proficient Lying Operation that has been conducted.

When it came to fearmongering, or scoring political points for a political victory, The Commander Guy didn't shy away from putting on his ten-gallon hat and six-shooter and he, and his henchmen and woman, attempting to scare the bejeezes out of everyone, that Bin Laden and/or other terrorists were going to pop out of your closet.

In fact, the Bush Grindhouse continually inflated the size and importance of Al Qaeda in Iraq, whenever it deemed to serve their talking points.

Keith Olbermann pointed out the Wednesday evening, the Center for Public Integrity report on the lying of the Bush Grindhouse, noted the spikes in the number of lies, based on the calendar of political events, and/or Grindhouse scandals

Opening the segment, a wry observation;

OLBERMANN: If you have ever said this administration lied to us 1,000 times about the Iraq, the war and al Qaeda, it turns out you owe Mr. Bush an apology. In our third story tonight, a new study confirming the administration only lied about those vital matters 935 times.

Then, with Rachel Maddow, of Air America, and a newly-anointed MSNBC political pundit;

OLBERMANN: Only 935. In gambling terms the under won. Who knew?

MADDOW: Looking back, before today, before we had a bullion keyword searchable database of lies about to lead up to the Iraq War. You had the sense that we were lied to a lot about weapons of mass destruction, about Saddam having links to al Qaeda and to 9/11.

But having all of these instances in a list now, literally in a searchable database of lies kind of plugs up the memory hole in a way.

It means that we have the evidence at hand to rebut the assertion every time somebody asserts that oh the intelligence was a little fuzzy or I never made that sort of claims, 935 lies may feel low or they may feel high, but they are all provable, documents lies that can‘t disappear again that can‘t disappear in a public record or down the memory hole.

OLBERMANN: So that‘s 532 occasions so it‘s basically a two to one ratio to lies to opportunities for lies. It‘s kind of spectacular in its own way.

MADDOW: Compound sentences is what I think that means.

OLBERMANN: The center did not include false implications. Indirect follow-ups like Iraq has dangerous weapons. Or Iran has dangerous weapons, for that matter. The Republican echoing, actual other Republicans outside the administration saying the same things. We‘ve got all the senators and congressmen are not included in this list. Fox News chicken little moments are not included in this. But what base is there for claiming that this was planned deceit as opposed to innocent, albeit voluminous incompetence?

MADDOW: Well, I spoke with the director of the Center for Public Integrity about that fact today. I said how do you get from there were a lot of lies to the lies were plants. He said one of the things that they found was they organized this information was that there were these really noticeable quantitative spikes in the number of lies being told. At certain times they were lying a lot faster than other times. For example in the lead-up for the Congressional authorization, midterm elections. At specific politically moments, the lies got faster.

There is no way to explain that unless they were lying to accomplish the political objective

Much like the 160,000+ troops in Iraq that he will dump on the next President, The Commander Guy will exit the Grindhouse, an utter failure in HIS War on Terror, leaving the Osama bin Laden problem as well.

After all, The Commander Guy closed the CIA office in charge of hunting bin Laden (which he, a few days later, attempted to deny), then, a few months later, telling rightwing pundit Fred Barnes "Bin Laden Is Not A Top Priority Use of American Resources".

This, after his chicken-heart, phony bravado, following the attacks of September 11th, with his swaggering "I want justice," Bush said. "And there's an old poster out West… I recall, that said, 'Wanted, Dead or Alive.'"

Hmmm ... I wonder, have they raised enough funds, for the Bush Presidential Library, to have a wing of it house all the lies? Or, is that question, about where to house his lies and his Presidential Library, a redundant one?


The Commander Guy's Legacy

Bush uses bin Laden to defend Iraq war policy

Digby: Hyping the intelligence again?

Juan Cole: Bush's incompetence gives al-Qaida new life; The White House hints at military action as the terror organization regroups in northern Pakistan and the Musharraf government begins to wobble.

Sidney Blumenthal: Cooking the intelligence, again; The latest government estimate of the terrorist threat is just a rehash of the same old script, produced under pressure to support the president's efforts to sell the Iraq war.

Why the Bush Administration Didn't Care About Al Qaeda


An empty bullhorn

Good Post Alert: Juan Cole's "Top Ten Myths about Iraq 2007"

I suppose, Juan Cole has already started taking notes for next years' list, which will probably be "Top Ten Myths About Democracy In Pakistan".

This hit on Wednesday, before all the news stopped so our media, and presidential candidates, could bloviate about the events in Pakistan, and on Benizar Bhutto's murder, so it probably didn't get as much play as it should have.

While the Bush Grindhouse has held tightly to its' spin, that Iraq is the end-all, dead-center, red-painted-bullseyes for the War Against Terrorism, they will, likely, soon have that ripped from their fingers, overtaken by the Pakistan story and how OSAMA BIN LADEN and AL QAEDA ARE SAID TO BE BASED IN PAKISTAN!

And unlike Iraq (or Iran), Pakistan does have nuclear weapons (Psst ... We helped them get them), so as much as the Neocon choir sings the Iraq aria, the hip-hop-blaring boom box is sitting in Pakistan, and it's only going to get louder.

Read (and suggest you bookmark for future reference) Juan Cole's "Top Ten Myths about Iraq 2007"

Townsend's Lack of Knowledge On Al Qaeda Gets Her Bounced

Sources Say Can't Be Sure She Would Be Able To Get Iran Info Straight

Sources tell The Garlic, that despite the platitudes showering her exit, Assistant to the President for Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Frances Fragos Townsend is being bounced from the administration for "Not knowing jack shit about al Qaeda"

Townsend announced today that she is leaving her post in the Bush Grindhouse.

"With the build-up against Iran in full operations," added the source, an administrative aide inside the West Wing of the Bush Grindhouse, "a lot of people here are really nervous that she can't get the info straight or stay-on-message."

Townsend first drew the ire of The Commander Guy, back in July, when, in a press conference, Townsend admitted "I don’t know’ if Al Qaeda was in Iraq before the war."

Then, in September, Townsend was obtusely dismissive of Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda, after a new video was released two days before the sixth anniversary of Sept. 11th.

"Let's remember almost six years now since September the 11th, we have not seen much of bin Laden," she said on "Fox News Sunday," pointing out that this was the third audio or video recording released of him in as many years. "This is about the best he can do. This is a man on the run, from a cave, who is virtually impotent other than these tapes."

While The Decider Guy was said to be disappointed, Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly threw a tantrum and tirade, railing against Townsend that "she's screwing up all our plans."

Cheney became an unrelenting critic of Townsend, worried that she would not be able to carry through on the pre-invasion spin and lies on Iran.

Unconfirmed reports claim that the tensions between Townsend and Cheney peaked over the weekend, when, after asked by Cheney for an assessment on the deteriorating situation in Pakistan, Townsend responded back to the Vice President that she "didn't know if President Pervez Musharraf was in Pakistan before he became President."

Another unconfirmed report has Townsend moving over to the Rudy Guiliani campaign, to begin, immediately, obfuscating when, if at all, former, and now indicted aide, Bernard Kerik was ever in Guiliani's mayoral administration.

Bonus Fumbling Fran Links

Think Progress: Townsend’s goodbye to Bush: ‘You are such a man.’

Crooks and Liars: Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt, Folks

















There is rampant speculation that Townsend will, sooner, rather than later, start questioning if she was ever in the Bush Administration

Roger Ailes Is Slipping ... Blows Wildfire Scoop For New Biz Network

"I heard that Al Qaeda causes night to fall"
Keith Olbermann

Heads are gonna roll on this one.

You can expect certain things ... Like the Rightwing Freakshow, such as Glen Beck and Stalkin' "M-Squared" Malkin, heads spinning like Linda Blair, foaming that the Environmentalists are to blame for the California wildfires.

And, of course the flag-waving, Bush-Lovin', fear-fueling, Faux News Network.

You think that uber-newsman Roger Ailes would be on top of his game, especially this week, with the launch of the Faux Business Network. That they would be bellowing and hawking everything in the name of FBN. From Wall Street mergers to Kool-Aid stands (Republican, Red State Kool Aid stands, of course).

So what happens?

They leave the scoop of the week - that Al Qaeda may be behind the California wildfires - to their sappy, dopey Morning Show crew. 'Fox & Friends'.

Memo to Roger: Fire all your producers!

Following the Faux News policy of ignoring facts, pumping up the Bush Grindhouse, and being as far away from reality as possible, 'Fox and Friends laid out "the plot", from uncorroborated evidence of a terrorist detainee, of setting wildfires as part of a vast terrorist attack on the United States.

One small problem - the memo on this scoop was four-years old, and, if that wasn't noticed, California wasn't mentioned as being part of this attack.

2nd Memo to Roger: Make sure new producers you hire can read, or have eye-glasses

Now just think, you've launched an alleged business network, you have hours-and-hours of airtime to fill and you have this hot scoop on the Number One story in the nation this same week and you blow it!

I mean, Roger, jeepers, you could have milked this for two, possible three, days .. Maybe all week!

All those graphics and kirons, blaring out on the terrorist plot to undermine our economy.

"Al Qaeda Set Wildfires To Destroy U.S. Timber Industry"

There's a day of talking heads ... Analysts, Lobbyists, other industry gadflys, egged on by your anchors, predicting dire consequences of no newspapers, no greeting cards (quick cut to Jane Doe, somewhere in Red State America, crying at not being able to send out Christmas Cards this year - Get O"Reilly on this one, so he can launch this years' War Against Christmas bullshit)

Transportation, Roger.

The wildfires were started by Al Qaeda to cripple the transportation (think of the kirons you could use; "Al Qaeda To Californians - Start Walking!"). You could pull your big gun, Sean Hannity, to a guest spot and revive his ranting about the buses.

Or "Al Qaeda Wildfires Aimed At Crippling California Agriculture"

The Food Industry, Roger ... Oh, Christ, that's three-days, minimum ...

No lettuce for salads, which you can tie-in and exploit with the obesity issue ("Al Qaeda Wants To Make Americans Fat!") ... Avocados! ... Reporter stand-ups from Southern California restaurants, camera-shot on a lonely bowl of salsa chips, which, thanks to Al Qaeda, there's nothing to dip them into.

Grapes! ... Wine! ... Here's the tried-and-true Faux News brand of bashing the French ... That the French must be in cahoots with Al Qaeda so they can push up the sales of French wine, over California Wine ... More hours of experts babbling away, quoting Republican talking points ...

The Ratings Buster










And, of course Roger, the scoop of scoops ... The Ratings Buster ... The item that will redefine the maps that this story will place your fledgling network on ...

Using all the power of those skills so deftly employed by the Faux News Network, namely, making up whatever you want to drill home your jingoistic fear-mongering, and after hours and days of teasers about the big story, what it's all about, coming ...

"Al Qaeda Wildfires Seen As Diversion; Goal Is To Overtake Disneyland"

That's right. Osama bin Laden wants to take control of Disneyland and turn it into a Muslim playground ... All woman (including Minnie Mouse) visitors in hijabs ... Out goes the Hall of Presidents, in comes the Hall of Ayatollahs ... It now becomes Country Camel Jamboree ...

And here's the kicker, Roger ... The piece that will give this thing legs, carry you for weeks at the top of the ratings - You tie Iran into it ... That Iran is supporting Al Qaeda in taking over Disneyland ... The story will practical write itself (well, actually, all you have to do is copy whatever is coming out of the Bush Grindhouse for the Iran part)).

You blew it Roger ... You messed up ...

You let your "Chatty Kathy's" in the morning dribble out this faux story when you could have trumpeted it for days-on-end with your new business channel ... Aside from building your audience and television footprint, think of all that lost revenue ... Millions, Roger, millions ...

And you know what that means ... Ruppert comes down on you.

So, get busy, hire all those new producers and have them start combing through some more 4-year old intelligence memos ... There's gotta be another non-story story that you can puff up.

Bonus Faux Links

News Hounds - We watch FOX so you don't have to

Cenk Uygur - POLL: Time For Us To Label Fox?

Fox News: 'Fair and Balanced' or 'Fox for Bush?'

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Roger Ailes and Fox News Plans On Ending Its’ Ratings Slump

Keith Olbermann: President Bush’s fear fiction


President Bush’s fear fiction

Photo Op Accomplished - Hooah!

Sans the flightsuit and aircraft carrier deck landing ...

While the Bush Grindhouse billed this as a "stop-by" for The Commander Guy, on his way to an economic conference in Australia, it was anything but ...

It was the continued roll out of the "Petraeus Reportpalooza", complete with the soldier-in-uniform backdrops, with the well-timed "Hooahs" to urge this charade on ...

We've already had, over the past few weeks and months, the steady stream of Congressional Delegations coming over to Iraq, with the fervor of the Kanamits loading the dimwitted citizens on to airplanes in the Twilight Zone's 'To Serve Man', and with the expected results;

Republicans - The surge is working, it's a big success story.

Democrats - We're fucked ... And the longer we stay here, the more fucked we'll be.

So Anbar province now sits in the Extreme Makeover spotlight ... The bell-ringing success story to validate the Bush Grindhouse tenet that everything about invading and occupying Iraq was the right thing to do ...

And it gave the Decider Guy yet another opportunity to ring that al Qaeda bell;

"You see Sunnis who once fought side by side with al Qaeda against coalition troops now fighting side by side with coalition troops against al Qaeda. Anbar is a huge province. It was once written off as lost. It is now one of the safest places in Iraq. (Hooah.)

The very people that you helped the Iraqis defeat in Anbar swore allegiance to the man that ordered the attack on the United States of America. What happens here in Anbar matters to the security of the United States."

But a funny thing happened on the way to the public relations bag of tricks.

The visit today, and the strategy that lead to the "safety" of the stop-over goes completely against the strained strategy of the ever-so-hailed surge, and what the surge was supposed to accomplish.

"The surge of operations that began in June is improving security throughout Iraq. The military successes are paving the way for the political reconciliation and economic progress the Iraqis need to transform their country."

They bought and paid for Anbar Province, with arms, and money (and, perhaps, some of those missing AK-47's that General David 'Rifleman" Petraeus kinda lost).

Security throughout Iraq is not improving and Michael Vick will probably be back in the NFL before there is political reconciliation.

After all, the "Petraeus Reportpalooza" is running to counter the "reality" coming out of Iraq;

• A corrupt government
• A virtual complete failure in reaching the benchmarks set out by Congress, as detailed by the latest GAO Report
• A NIE Report showing (drum roll, please) more violence, violence violence

And how's this for a ringing endorsement of those Sunnis-turned-soldiers;

"Bush's visit to Anbar province is a strong message to the Maliki government in Baghdad and a rebuke to the Shiite opposition to arming the tribesmen to fight al-Qaeda in Iraq," said Farhan Jassem, a sheik from the Dulaimi tribe. "I believe the tribesmen have fulfilled their promises which they had made to the American forces. We have achieved in four months what the United States could not do in four years, destroying al-Qaeda in Anbar."

Doesn't sound like they're ready to sing "My Country Tis of Thee" anytime soon.

And, as this has happened so often, anybody whose anybody, knows, as soon as U.S. Forces pull out of Anbar, it will go south, just like all the other "success stories".

Perhaps, the best the Bush Grindhouse can spin out of this is that The Uniter Guy didn't go to the market, or rug shopping.

They must be saving the flightsuit and aircraft carrier for the spreading of democracy in Iran.

Cue up Que Sera Sera...

Bonus Petraeus Reportpalooza Links

MUST READ! Firedoglake: Bush/Cheney in Iraq: Winning By Failing

Juan Cole: A surge of phony spin on Iraq; Bush's backers are peddling a sunny view of the president's strategy -- despite Iraq's political chaos and soaring death counts.

Lawmakers Describe 'Being Slimed in the Green Zone'


The Three Amigos

Inner Turmoil Has Bush Blaming Bridge Collapse On Al Qaeda In Iraq; Cheney Points To Iran

White House Torn Apart, Aides Sniping At Each Other; DHS's Chertoff Ad-Libs "Dry Run" Scenario As Middle Ground

On the eve of his visit to the disaster-stricken, collapsed Minnesota bridge, President Bush is said to be engaged in a bitter division with his self-appointed Vice President.

Sources tell The Garlic this evening that a full-scale brawl has erupted in the West Wing of the Bush Grindhouse, as aides supportive of The Commander Guy are standing behind him in wanting to blame the collapse of the I-35W Bridge in Minneapolis, Minnesota on al Qaeda in Iraq.

This pits them against a larger group firmly supporting Vice President Dick Cheney, who seeks to claim that the bridge collapse is the work of agents from Iran.

"This is as bad as it has ever been," offered a source, with close ties to the Bush Grindhouse.

"They've gone full bore on this, with press releases already prepared ... Video is being edited in the Situation Room, to back up arguments ... There's a rumor going around that Cheney, working through his people in the Pentagon, already have four, or five stooges in Iran, that they can pin a conspiracy gang charge on ...Cheney's winning this thing, he's got all his cards lined-up"

The President, reportedly, is leaning on the National Security Agency (NSA) to produce captured, legal or illegal, wiretaps to back up his claim.

Publicly, The Decider Guy has been conducting his affairs in a normal fashion, offering his sympathies to the victims of the bridge collapse and, at the same time, hedging his bets with citing deficiencies in the bridge.

It was said that Bush had a "very difficult time" not speaking out at his Rose Garden news conference yesterday, to begin pointing the finger at al Qaeda in Iraq.

Cheney Stiffed By Russert; Chertoff Ad-Libs New "Gut Feeling"

Meanwhile, the Vice President was said to be calling Tim Russert, and seeking to get on 'Meet The Press" this coming weekend, offering the host an "irresistible scoop" regarding the bridge collapse.

The Vice President's office, confident that could break the Iran-Is-To-Blame charge on national television, was stunned when Russert failed to offer Cheney a segment on the program.

There are reports that Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff was pulled into the mix, and put on the spot of either supporting the President, or the Vice President.

Chertoff, apparently, ad-libbed a new "gut feeling", indicating that it would be best to categorize the bridge collapse as a "possible dry run" by terrorists looking to attack the United States again.

First Lady Calls For New Donation

With the First Lady, Laura Bush, visiting the disaster site today, no word of the feud was leaked, so as not to put the First Lady in a position of having to publicly rebuke, presumably, the Vice President.

The First Lady met with emergency officials and rescue workers, offering her sympathies and support.

"And many bridges are stable ahh..now. But, of course, what we see on television is the one bridge collapse a day that discourages everybody."

The First Lady also announced that she will be asking friends and supporters of the President add $35 to their $61 donation to the RNC, as a tribute for her husbands' birthday, with the extra money being designated for any single woman effected by the bridge collapse, that they can continue their hunt for a husband.

Bridge Opportunity Zone May Be In The Offing

It's not clear if The Shakespeare Guy will come out and blame al Qaeda in Iraq during his visit to Minneapolis tomorrow.

Aides, particularly the group working on his domestic agenda, are lobbying for a "New Orleans-type" speech.

The White House has shipped klieg lights to the Twin Cities, and sent an advance team to scout out cathedrals that Bush could use as a backdrop.

If the President does that, gushed a source close to the West Wing, "we can get the bridge refugees up and back on their feet, just as good, and just as quickly as we got New Orleans back on her feet".

The domestic team has advocated to the President that he announce a "Bridge Opportunity Zone", following his New Orleans blueprint, to assist persons and business affected by the bridge collapse.

The President, will not, as some wire reports indicated, name a "Bridge Czar", and Vice President Dick Cheney will not accompany the President to Minneapolis.

The OVP indicated there is a schedule conflict, that the Vice President will be with former Secretary of War Donald "I Can't Recall" Rumsfeld, preparing for the Armageddon.
















The President may reprise his New Orleans plan and announce a "Bridge Opportunity Zone" during his visit to Minneapolis tomorrow

Quick, Get Condi The Cliff Notes on al Qaeda ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

Condi, Condi, Condi ...

It's been said that your star is fading and, by the looks of it, you're sinking faster than Ted Steven's plans to add another addition to his house.

I mean, your off on confirming the arms sales ... Errr, a new diplomatic mission, and they send you over there with a chaparone - The Secretary of Defense... Not so criptic a message there, heh, girl? ...

Is Cheney busting your balls about you taking the back seat, now that he, seemingly, has The Commander Guy back on the "Let's Bomb Iran" bus? ...

Did they ship Gates over with you, to help you bone-up on who the al Qaeda is that we're fighting, at least, for this week?

Our Garlic Poll Voters believe that to be the case, that you've been hitting the books to get it down (though, for awhile there, the voting was heading towards you being Michael Vick's bitch, that is, in Let's the dogfighting business).

So, not to leave you in a lurch, we have a little limerick here, that you can use to help you remember which al Qaeda is it we are touting, for you to be on-message with the Bush Grindhouse.

There was an al Qaeda in Pakistan
Safe and secure due to no plan
But the Neocons took a turn
For which now Baghdad burns
And it is al Qaeda in Iraq that we attack

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll July 23 - July 30, 2007

Where's Condi Rice? Is she out, or is she ...

1. Studying ... Having a hard time getting down which Al Qaeda group were fighting in Iraq Tally 36%

2. With Michael Vick's indictment, had to scurry off and shut down her illegal dogfighting joint Tally 34%

3. In an undisclosed location - White House wants her as far away from any subpoenas as possible Tally 15%

4. Like the Iraqi Parliament, taking the summer off Tally 15%

This week’s Poll - The Iraqi Government is going on vacation for the month of August, which likely means ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Breaking News! "That's al-Qaeda Talking" On Riff Between Maliki And Golden Boy General

President Blaming Terror Group; Claims Classified Wiretap Program Shows Scripted Dialog Given To Iraqi PM

President Bush, first setting the stage with his weekly radio address, came out today squarely blaming the terrorist group al-Qaeda for the burgeoning squabble between Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and U.S General David Petraeus.

The Bush Grindhouse would only say they blamed al-Qaeda, alternately citing al-Qaeda in Iraq, and al-Qaeda central, based in their safe haven in Pakistan.

"We know", offered White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, "that al-Qaeda is - literally - putting words in his mouth."

This revelation came after reports of growing tension between Maliki and Bush's 'Golden Boy" General mushroomed to the point that Maliki appealed directly to President Bush to replace Petraeus, to remove him from operations in Iraq.

When pressed by reporters how the President knew it was al-Qaeda, Snow referred to the controversial Terrorist Surveillance Program.

"Now, understand, I can't go into specifics," Snow pleaded, "so, let's say that our intelligence from a classified surveillance program gave us this valuable information."

Snow would neither confirm or deny if it was the same TSP, the one the President confirmed, and that Crony General Alberto Gonzales lied about in his appearance testifying this week, or if it was Gonzales additional lie of it being "other intelligence activities".

Coincidently, in his weekly radio address, The Commander Guy badgered Congress to update the The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act.

"The President needs a better FISA program," said Snow. "We had the terrorists pulling dry runs last week... We have to be able to take action and can't be stopping and asking this judge, or this senator if it's okay if we listen to a phone call ... Or read an email ... American lives are at stake here."

"It's all part of al Qaeda in Iraq strategy," Snow continued. "They attack us on September 11th, fan an insurgency after we liberate the country, and now want us to leave so they can take over the country. They're telling Maliki what to say in an effort to push us out."

Snow would not confirm if the latest NIE report offered evidence that al-Qaeda in Iraq was putting words in Maliki's mouth, citing the most sensitive information is classified.

Snow wouldn't comment on the reports of a growing rift with Saudi Arabia, that has the Saudis distributing fake reports that lie about Maliki and his government.

"I can't comment on that at this time, confessed Snow. "We still looking that one over ... It could be al Qaeda in Iraq's work, or it could be coming from al Qaeda Central ... We are pretty certain it has al Qaeda fingerprints on it..."

Snow, also, would neither confirm or deny reports circulating around Washington that al Qaeda was responsible for attempting to send electrical interference in the area near the hospital where Vice President Dick Cheney was today, having his heart defibrillator replaced.

Sources tell The Garlic that there was tension between the Bush Grind House and the Vice President's office, after the Secret Service picked up the stray currents of unexplained electricity.

The Bush Grindhouse argued that al Qaeda should be blamed for it, while the OVP lobbied that it was clearly coming from Iran, and a full, military reponse should be ordered.

Furthermore, Senator Joe Lieberman (I&R- CT) was said to side with Cheney and the OVP, and was prepared to call the Senate into session today, and sponsor legislation for an attack on Iran.

Both plans stalled, after Crony General Alberto Gonzales was said to be "totally confused" on which set of intelligence - Iraq or Iran - he was to lie about next.

Bonus Links

Think Progress: The Ever Changing Definition of ‘Mission’ In Iraq

Glenn Greenwald: Various items ...(Update III -- with Bush's radio address tomorrow re: FISA)

TalkLeft: NewSpeak: Bush's FISA Proposal


President Bush is said to be outraged, and blaming al Qaeda for the rift between General David Petraeus and Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki

Minced Garlic - New Keith Olbermann Special Comment ... All hail the prophetic gut!

Last evening, we had another Special Comment, "All hail the prophetic gut!", from our anchor-hero, Keith Olbermann, on MSNBC's 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann'.

The gutless wonder, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff, was the target and it was less rage, by Olbermann, and more, ohh, humor.

At various points, with Olbermann smiling and grinning, it appeared that he had to stifle just laughing outloud.

We riffed on this the other day, with a Top Ten Cloves: Other Things DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff Feels In His Gut, and, in noting The Commander Guy morphing into The Shakespeare Guy, while he launched another fear-laden Bushapalooza, we had to note that, it was a "Good thing Chertoff doesn't have arthritis - if his bones start aching, what does that mean - Armageddon?"

Olbermann came out swinging, not only hitting on Chertoff, but taking a sharp swipe at the Bush Grindhouse;

You have by now heard the remark — instantly added to our through-the-looking-glass lexicon of the 21st century, a time when we suddenly started referring to this country as “the homeland,” as if anybody here has used that term since Charles Lindbergh or the German-American Bund in 1940.

Michael Chertoff’s “gut feeling.”

A little further into the Special Comment, Olbermann recounted elements of his Watch The Video of his excellent "Nexus of Politics and Terror", rattling off;

We used to have John Ashcroft’s major announcements.

We used to have David Paulison’s breathless advisories about how to use duct tape against radiation attacks.

We used to have Tom Ridge’s color-coded threat levels.

Now we have Michael Chertoff’s gut!

And he brought it home with "only five possible explanations for Mr. Chertoff’s remarkable revelations", that being letting his gut replace policy and competence, leading off with;

"Firstly, Mr. Chertoff, you are, as Richard Wolffe said here the other night, actually referencing not your gut but your backside — as in, “covering it.” CYA."

After calling Chertoff a "hunch-driven clown", what else was left, but to give a hearty, Homeland salute.

"All hail the prophetic gut!"

Links

Watch The Video of Special Comment: Michael Chertoff's gut

Read Olbermann: All hail the prophetic gut!; Explaining Michael Chertoff’s counterterrorism stomach