"I heard that Al Qaeda causes night to fall"
Heads are gonna roll on this one.
You can expect certain things ... Like the Rightwing Freakshow, such as Glen Beck and Stalkin' "M-Squared" Malkin, heads spinning like Linda Blair, foaming that the Environmentalists are to blame for the California wildfires.
And, of course the flag-waving, Bush-Lovin', fear-fueling, Faux News Network.
You think that uber-newsman Roger Ailes would be on top of his game, especially this week, with the launch of the Faux Business Network. That they would be bellowing and hawking everything in the name of FBN. From Wall Street mergers to Kool-Aid stands (Republican, Red State Kool Aid stands, of course).
So what happens?
They leave the scoop of the week - that Al Qaeda may be behind the California wildfires - to their sappy, dopey Morning Show crew. 'Fox & Friends'.
Memo to Roger: Fire all your producers!Following the Faux News policy of ignoring facts, pumping up the Bush Grindhouse, and being as far away from reality as possible, 'Fox and Friends laid out "the plot", from uncorroborated evidence of a terrorist detainee, of setting wildfires as part of a vast terrorist attack on the United States.
One small problem - the memo on this scoop was four-years old, and, if that wasn't noticed, California wasn't mentioned as being part of this attack.
2nd Memo to Roger: Make sure new producers you hire can read, or have eye-glassesNow just think, you've launched an alleged business network, you have hours-and-hours of airtime to fill and you have this hot scoop on the Number One story in the nation this same week and you blow it!
I mean, Roger, jeepers, you could have milked this for two, possible three, days .. Maybe all week!
All those graphics and kirons, blaring out on the terrorist plot to undermine our economy.
"Al Qaeda Set Wildfires To Destroy U.S. Timber Industry"
There's a day of talking heads ... Analysts, Lobbyists, other industry gadflys, egged on by your anchors, predicting dire consequences of no newspapers, no greeting cards (quick cut to Jane Doe, somewhere in Red State America, crying at not being able to send out Christmas Cards this year - Get O"Reilly on this one, so he can launch this years' War Against Christmas bullshit)
The wildfires were started by Al Qaeda to cripple the transportation (think of the kirons you could use; "Al Qaeda To Californians - Start Walking!"). You could pull your big gun, Sean Hannity, to a guest spot and revive his ranting about the buses.
Or "Al Qaeda Wildfires Aimed At Crippling California Agriculture"
The Food Industry, Roger ... Oh, Christ, that's three-days, minimum ...
No lettuce for salads, which you can tie-in and exploit with the obesity issue ("Al Qaeda Wants To Make Americans Fat!") ... Avocados! ... Reporter stand-ups from Southern California restaurants, camera-shot on a lonely bowl of salsa chips, which, thanks to Al Qaeda, there's nothing to dip them into.
Grapes! ... Wine! ... Here's the tried-and-true Faux News brand of bashing the French ... That the French must be in cahoots with Al Qaeda so they can push up the sales of French wine, over California Wine ... More hours of experts babbling away, quoting Republican talking points ...
The Ratings Buster
And, of course Roger, the scoop of scoops ... The Ratings Buster ... The item that will redefine the maps that this story will place your fledgling network on ...
Using all the power of those skills so deftly employed by the Faux News Network, namely, making up whatever you want to drill home your jingoistic fear-mongering, and after hours and days of teasers about the big story, what it's all about, coming ...
"Al Qaeda Wildfires Seen As Diversion; Goal Is To Overtake Disneyland"
That's right. Osama bin Laden wants to take control of Disneyland and turn it into a Muslim playground ... All woman (including Minnie Mouse) visitors in hijabs ... Out goes the Hall of Presidents, in comes the Hall of Ayatollahs ... It now becomes Country Camel Jamboree ...
And here's the kicker, Roger ... The piece that will give this thing legs, carry you for weeks at the top of the ratings - You tie Iran into it ... That Iran is supporting Al Qaeda in taking over Disneyland ... The story will practical write itself (well, actually, all you have to do is copy whatever is coming out of the Bush Grindhouse for the Iran part)).
You blew it Roger ... You messed up ...
You let your "Chatty Kathy's" in the morning dribble out this faux story when you could have trumpeted it for days-on-end with your new business channel ... Aside from building your audience and television footprint, think of all that lost revenue ... Millions, Roger, millions ...
And you know what that means ... Ruppert comes down on you.
So, get busy, hire all those new producers and have them start combing through some more 4-year old intelligence memos ... There's gotta be another non-story story that you can puff up.
Bonus Faux Links
News Hounds - We watch FOX so you don't have to
Cenk Uygur - POLL: Time For Us To Label Fox?
Fox News: 'Fair and Balanced' or 'Fox for Bush?'
Top Ten Cloves: Ways Roger Ailes and Fox News Plans On Ending Its’ Ratings Slump
Keith Olbermann: President Bush’s fear fiction
President Bush’s fear fiction