The Garlic: Michael Chertoff

Showing posts with label Michael Chertoff. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It Will Make A Nice, Keepsake, Photograph ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

In at least one way, our poll last week was too easy.

As our Garlic Poll Voters discerned, The Decider/The Commander/The Shakespeare Guy almost always (well, Donald Rumsfeld might still be sitting by the telephone) gives his biggest flunkies and fuck-ups the Presidential Medal of Freedom Award.

The way to succeed in the Bush Grindhouse is to fail. Fail miserably.

Perhaps Chertoff knew, in his gut, all along, that he wouldn't be fired, hence, allowing him to offer his "gut feelings" about the terror threat facing the country, not fully understanding the confusion he would cause by doing so.

After all, we have the Color-Coded Terror Alert Chart, with the occassionally-accompanying Duct Tape and Plastic warning added ... And now we have a "Who's On First" routine being played out by the Bush Grindhouse on just who Al Qaeda is and which Al Qaeda were fighting, based on the lasted NIE report released last week.

So, Michael Chertoff, "gut away" as you will, and know that at the end of the rainbow, a nice, shiney medal awaits your meritorious service.

When you get that medal hung around your neck, it will make for such a nice, keepsake, photograph, all those people down in New Orleans can hang on the wall of their toxic, FEMA-provided trailer.

(The Garlic wants to let the NBA, and investigating authorities, that referee Tim Donaghy has had no dealings or connections to the Garlic Weekly Poll and, to the best of your knowledge, has never gambled on the outcome of any of our polls).

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll July 15 - July 22, 2007

The reason President Bush didn't fire Michael Chertoff was ...

1. Already promised him he'll be getting a Presidential Medal of Freedom Award Tally 31%

2. Can't divulge reason, invoking Executive Privilege Tally 30%

3. Had his own gut feeling that Chertoff would follow him home Tally 24%

4. Still in the middle of Hurricane Season; Needs someone to blame in case U.S. hit big again Tally 14%

This week’s Poll - Where's Condi Rice? Is she ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Friday, July 20, 2007

Developing Story! A Livid Cheney Moves To Place Chertoff Guts Under Wraps

Future Intestinal Prognostications To Be Kept Secret; Brings In Former U.N Ambassador For Extra Tongue Lashing

Against the backdrop of a report shedding light of Vice President Dick Cheney's Energy Task Force, as well as new intelligence reports regarding Al Qaeda readying to attack the United States again, as well as a new, extraordinary move by the Bush Grindhouse in claims of Executive Privilege, an incident has come to light, over national security, involving Cheney, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff and, former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton.

In yet another example of the unprecedented and extraordinary secrecy the Bush Grindhouse has conducted the nation's affairs, sources tell The Garlic that Cheney is citing, since gases are formed in a person's "gut", re Chertoff's "gut feelings", and gases being a form of energy, this would fall under Cheney's Energy Task Force and any information from it would be classified and unavailable for any overview.

Last week, before the Homeland Security Secretary gave his now infamous interview with the Chicago Sun-Times, that he was repeatedly badgered and harassed by the Vice President's office.

There was a rumor circulating on the Hill that Chertoff was merely suffering from indegestion, that he had a upset stomach, but that Cheney, along with his Chief of Staff David Addington, made repeated visits to Chertoff, seeking more and more information from Chertoff's gut.

Sources tell The Garlic that, on a subsequent visit by Cheney and Addington, former Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton was accompanying the pair and, after entering Chertoff's office, Bolton could be heard, very loudly, screaming, yelling and berating Chertoff.

The White refused to comment on the story, indicating that they would invoke Executive Privilege regarding their refusal to comment, but did issue a statement that they are not anticipating exposing any covert CIA agents over the Chertoff Gut matter.

"Hey There! ... Hi! ... Yeah, Fuck You! ... Executive Privilege! ...How Ya Doin'! ...We Don't Have To Say Anything! ...Hey There! ... Blow It Out Your Ass! ... Executive Privilege! ..."

Friday, July 13, 2007

Minced Garlic - New Keith Olbermann Special Comment ... All hail the prophetic gut!

Last evening, we had another Special Comment, "All hail the prophetic gut!", from our anchor-hero, Keith Olbermann, on MSNBC's 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann'.

The gutless wonder, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff, was the target and it was less rage, by Olbermann, and more, ohh, humor.

At various points, with Olbermann smiling and grinning, it appeared that he had to stifle just laughing outloud.

We riffed on this the other day, with a Top Ten Cloves: Other Things DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff Feels In His Gut, and, in noting The Commander Guy morphing into The Shakespeare Guy, while he launched another fear-laden Bushapalooza, we had to note that, it was a "Good thing Chertoff doesn't have arthritis - if his bones start aching, what does that mean - Armageddon?"

Olbermann came out swinging, not only hitting on Chertoff, but taking a sharp swipe at the Bush Grindhouse;

You have by now heard the remark — instantly added to our through-the-looking-glass lexicon of the 21st century, a time when we suddenly started referring to this country as “the homeland,” as if anybody here has used that term since Charles Lindbergh or the German-American Bund in 1940.

Michael Chertoff’s “gut feeling.”

A little further into the Special Comment, Olbermann recounted elements of his Watch The Video of his excellent "Nexus of Politics and Terror", rattling off;

We used to have John Ashcroft’s major announcements.

We used to have David Paulison’s breathless advisories about how to use duct tape against radiation attacks.

We used to have Tom Ridge’s color-coded threat levels.

Now we have Michael Chertoff’s gut!

And he brought it home with "only five possible explanations for Mr. Chertoff’s remarkable revelations", that being letting his gut replace policy and competence, leading off with;

"Firstly, Mr. Chertoff, you are, as Richard Wolffe said here the other night, actually referencing not your gut but your backside — as in, “covering it.” CYA."

After calling Chertoff a "hunch-driven clown", what else was left, but to give a hearty, Homeland salute.

"All hail the prophetic gut!"

Links

Watch The Video of Special Comment: Michael Chertoff's gut

Read Olbermann: All hail the prophetic gut!; Explaining Michael Chertoff’s counterterrorism stomach

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

"Anyway, look, nobody has accused me of being Shakespeare, you know?"

Rough Day... Hot, humid and still reeling from the Michael Moore - CNN - Dr. Sanjay Gupta steel cage, no-holds-barred, my-sister-my-daughter, tussle ...

And what was with the Baseball All-Star Game last night ... Pimping Willie Mays around in a pink Cadillac? ... Throwing baseballs into the stands? ...I guess it comes down to, the "Say Hey Kid", even with the title of "greatest ever", you have to pay your own freight ...

But all this takes a back seat to the launching of the Summer 2007 Bushapalooza.

And the take-away, Quote-of-the-day?

"Anyway, look, nobody has accused me of being Shakespeare, you know?"

No shit, Dick Tracy!

Yeah, and nobody is accusing - or confusing - you with being a competent President, either.

Speaking in Cleveland yesterday (is there something about a president, plummeting to 29% approval, having to go to a city whose river once caught fire, to give a speech?), and The Decider/Commander/Shakespeare Guy banged the Sept 11th and al Qaeda drum like a certain toy rabbit selling batteries.

Now, was this meant to create his own line of fear, to obfuscate his accountability, or to try to dampen the bad news pouring out of the country he invaded and is occupying?

A verbal volley to to keep the members of his party from running out the back door?

Or, was it meant to compliment the Human Terror Alert, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff, and his idiotic, gastronomic pronouncement that "I don't know, something might happen ... I got a feeling in my gut"

Good thing Chertoff doesn't have arthritis - if his bones start aching, what does that mean - Armageddon?

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

I don' know, it seems that the Good Ship Neocon is taking on water.

Maybe they're feeling the pressure. Or, perhaps they've had too much exposure to lead.

I mean, if we pull out of Iraq, and all goes to hell, what future president is going to run to the PNAC or AEI to get their war-mongering advice and Invade Any Country Starter Kit?

Just last Friday, Secretary of War Cheerleading, the Weekly Standard's William Kristol (or "Krazy Kristol" as Michael Stickings over on The Reaction likes to call him), in a Time Magazine Op-Ed, rolled out the emotional duct tape, blaming everything, from the Bush Grindhouse, to Bosnia to Rwanda to Afghanistan, saying our only problem was that "Today we're moody again ..."

And Iraq.

"The key question, of course, is the fate of Iraq. A decent outcome--the defeat of al-Qaeda in what it has made the central front in the war on terrorism and enough security so there can be peaceful rule by a representative regime--seems to me achievable, if we don't lose our nerve here at home. With success in Iraq, progress elsewhere in the Middle East will be easier. The balance sheet is uncertain. But it is by no means necessarily grim.

And that was backed up, by his fellow "Bring It On" cheerleader, Fred Kagan, of the AEI:

"The worst that can be said of [the escalation] at this point is that the results have been mixed. I frankly think the results are less mixed…We can argue about statistics, but at the end of the day, that argument is not going to get us anywhere right now. … Whatever you can say about the current strategy, it has not failed."

The Sunshine Boys

Then, enter this week, stage right, the tap dancing, fear mongering, "al Qaeda's everywhere" team of Chertoff and Bush

With the Republicans baling out on their titular party head, Iraq, and the rest of the area going up in smoke, Vice President distancing himself in some other branch of government, his commutation of Libby looking more like he is attempting to buy, at least, one friend, they'll be rolling out the props again ... It's Bushapalooza time!

If Kristol and Kagan don't push him along, the Congressional investigations and subpoenas will certainly give us more over-the-top rhetoric, more body parts of the DHS Secretary sounding alarms, more check-your-closets-and-under-your-beds for terrorists, more speeches, like the Cleveland one, of Bush threatening "your children and grandchildren".

Geez, too bad he isn't a Shakespeare guy ... There's enough comedy in this tragedy to make it interesting, though we're sitting, getting antsy, waiting for the final curtain to fall on this show.

Links

Eugene Robinson: "Resolute Amid the Wreckage"

William E. Odom: "Supporting the Troops" Means Withdrawing Them"

Keith Olbermann Video: "Impeach Bush, save the troops?"

Glenn Greenwald: "Our broken political discourse"