Breaking News! President Calls Hurricanes Meteorological-Fascists

With Katrina Anniversary Comes Bush Move To Push Hurricane Season Back

Cites Potential To “Disrupt Too Many Vacations”; Reaffirms War, Adjusting To Win Against Powerful Storms

With President Bush expected to deliver speeches today, and tomorrow, in Mississippi and Louisiana, to mark the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, a major White House initiative will be announced, with the President declaring he will ask Congress to push back the Hurricane season.

In an advance copy of the speeches obtained by The Garlic, the President will use the occasion to reaffirm his “War On Hurricanes”, to counter critics, both in the Gulf Region, and in Washington, that say the White House has done little to move the rebuilding and healing along.

Shortly after Katrina struck, the White House announced the war, setting up “WOH”, a joint operation, shared between the Department of Homeland Security and the U.S. Military.

At the press conference announcing the operation, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld lamented that “you fight the hurricanes you have, not the hurricanes you wished you had.”

The speech, or the White House, makes no reference to the President also reaffirming taking the blame for any storms this Hurricane Season, or if he will give his speeches from a backlit landmark

Bush Jabs Democrats; Blames Poor Response On Hurricane Hitting During Heavy Vacation Period

In his speech, the President will say that “there are some that say we should pull back from the hurricanes ... that we should get out of their way,” in what is intended as a jab against the Democrats.

‘I say no,” continues the President. “We need to finish the job ... We need to fight them over there so as we don’t have to fight them here ... So that they don’t follow us home. It’s not time to cut-and-run against these hurricanes ... It’s time to adapt ... To change our strategies ... The hurricanes are watching and listening to us, and adapting to that so we have to counter and do the same ... Adapting to win is our goal, not cutting-and-running, as some here in Washington would have us do ...”

From the speeches, the President believes that the major problem with Katrina was too many Federal employees were on vacation, or had other plans for the long Labor Day weekend and were not available.

“Hey, I’m a compassionate kind of guy,” says the President. “I can understand that ... I was on vacation too ... You know, away from the office for some rest and relaxation ... Something I like to do ... Something a lot of Americans like to do ... And when you’re on vacation, you, kind of, leave the office behind you ... You don’t have all your tools with you - cell phones, Blackberries and the like ...”

“Meteorological-Fascists”; Call To Push Hurricane Season Back To February

“And you need these tools to fight something like a hurricane ... You need a lot of tools to fight these monsters ... These meteorological-fascists ...”

Near the end of the speeches, the President will offer that, once Congress is back in session, he will submit a bill calling for officially moving the Hurricane Season to February, chiefly due to “it’s the shortest month of the year and not a lot of people take vacations in February. It won’t be disruptive to the Federal Government’s vacation schedule”

“We’ll have a better window to concentrate our resources and defeat these storms ... These meteorological-fascists who don’t appreciate freedom and wants to change our lives ... That won’t happen as long as I am President ... We will stay until the job is done."

We Want Brownie!

In related news, the White House says it does expect criticism and protests at the President’s speeches, with one group, Political Patronage Association, saying they will be there, in full force, to urge the President to rehire former FEMA Director Michael Brown

In advance of the President’s arrival in the Gulf Region, both FEMA and DHS officials will be meeting with officials in the area, to counter the PPA’s support of Brown, to announce that it is no longer the department’s policy to use the drug crystal methamphetamine to aid evacuations, a policy Brown admitted to employing during the recovery efforts.