Top Ten Cloves: Things About The New English Translation of the Mass The Bishops Approved

News Item: U.S. Catholic Bishops Approve New English Translation of the Mass

10. If Ann Coulter happens to come into your mass, get everyone else out safely – The Lord is sure to rain down his wrath on her

9. New, :30-second promos to run on Catholic television - “Must Pray Sunday”

8. Since eBay is going there, okay now to take confessionals over the telephone

7. Due to the problems of some other Christians, make sure your parishioners know the Ten Commandments

6. To boost numbers of people taking communion, switch over to the new, “No Trans Fats” ones – it will also keep us out of court

5. If you have a lot of “hip-hoppers” in your congregation, better join the boycott of Cristal if you want to keep them in the pews

4. Okay, if you suspect parish priest is gay, to break down door to search his residence without knocking

3. If Stephen Hawking shows up, don’t, under any circumstances, let him speak about the beginning of the universe

2. To show support, must work into the sermon that "President Bush has a clear strategy for victory in Iraq"

1. Instead of "The Lord be with you", the priests may now use “Can I get shout out for JC?”

New English translations of the mass, approved over 40-years ago with the Second Vatican Council, may deliver “No Trans Fats” communion wafers to Catholics