News Item: Why I Declined To Serve
10. First guy to find the missing emails gets the job!
9. Since we'll be pulling all the strings anyway, what about if we give him both the job of War Czar and Attorney General?
8. To make sure the War Czars wars are funded, will launch new policy program, "No Czar Left Behind"
7. If single, and with the Secretary of State being single, will throw in White House Wedding if the two hit it off
6. Blowjobs. the I know we're Republicans, but isn't there an intern or someone here somewhere that can give the guy blowjobs.
5. How about we just say we have a War Czar? ... Just like we said we had proof Saddam was buying uranium and in bed with Al Qaeda
4. No restrictions; New War Czar is free to say what he likes, maybe come up with those colorful, pithy sayings like Rumsfield did
3. New War Czar would get to move his girlfriend into a high-paying State Department job - Just like Paul Wolfowitz
2. New War Czar gets to fire three additional U.S. Attorneys and replace them with his friends
1. Will put it in the contract that the new War Czar doesn't actually have to go or visit Iraq or Afghanistan
"Howdy, Pardner ... You wanna be my War Czar?"