It's Here! ... Baseball and The Garlic's Infamous Essay!

The smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd ...

Oh, sorry, wrong medium ...

It's Batter Up! and Play Ball!

The 2008 Major League Baseball season, technically, started last week (Red Sox and Oakland A's played in Japan), but, for all intents-and-purpose, Opening Day is today.

And regular, longtime readers of The Garlic knows what that means ... It's time for the growing-infamous-by-the-minute (we may have to put one of those counter clocks up) baseball essay;

"Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?"

Some pitchers (remember, he can be a starter or reliever, long or short) will wind up before they pitch. Other will deliver it from a stretch. They can throw sinkers, sliders, spitters, knucklers, curves, screwballs and change-ups. Some are plain fastballers, others sneaky lowballers. A few are outright screwballs, but we digress.

A hitter can hang in there by fouling one off or fouling it upstairs. He can also foul it out of play, foul it back, chop it foul or pop it foul. Sometimes the ball just drops foul. There are times when a hitter will foul out. If a pitcher (starter or reliever, long or short) throws a spitter, you’ll see the hitter cry foul. The umpires, the men in dark suits who stand behind the bases and enforce the rules, take a lot of foul abuse from players and fans, who holler foul when they don’t agree with the umpire’s decision. Foul weather will cancel a game, putting everybody in a foul mood.

Thousands, perhaps, tens-of-thousands have had their understanding of baseball greatly enhanced by this essay!

Including Presidential Candidates;

Great piece! I’d like to ask if I can record ‘Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?’ for my next Spoken Word project?”
Barack Obama, Senator, U.S. Senate

“I took some time off from spying on K.T. McFarland and read ‘Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?’ – Great stuff!”
Hillary Clinton, U.S. Senator

And World Leaders;

Since I’ve been in a letter-writing mode lately, thought I’d drop you a note to say how much I enjoyed the baseball essay and how much I learned from it. Perhaps, someday, we’ll have the game over here (and with the stadium lights powered by our new nuclear energy!)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran


I so much liked your story on American Baseball, I am going have copies printed and make it mandatory for passengers of our new Himalayan train service to read it (sorry I can’t let them go out on the Internet and look it up for themselves)

President Hu Jintao, China

Don't go through the 2008 Baseball Season scratching your head ... Wondering ... Feeling left out ...Don't miss out ... Get all the 411 on baseball you'll need, so you can jump in with the gang at the water cooler and sound like a pro ..

Read "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?"


Bonus Shameless Pitch

Visit the Savvy Girls of Summer and order their new book "It Takes More Than Balls - The Savvy Girls' Guide To Understanding and Enjoying Baseball"

It's MLB Playoff Time ... That Means Time For The Garlic Baseball Primer Essay

Editor's Note: New York Mets Fans ... You can click to another post

It's Major League Baseball Playoff Time! ... The beginning of the steps to the Fall Classic, the World Series

And it's become now, a public service for The Garlic.

So many have written, thanking The Garlic for enlightening them, not making feel like their sitting in the corner, wearing a dunce cap, while attending a baseball playoff party.

They've had no need to jump up and go to The Google, to look up what "He'll be taking in this situation" or trying to find the "Utility Field" that the "Utilityfielder" plays at. "He's working the count" will no longer be mystery.

Don't be anxious or lost any longer ... Just read The Garlic's legendary essay;

Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

And here's some of the latest testimonials that have come in.

Dear Garlic;

You can pass on to your readers that I will be turning the Internet back on, only so we can keep track of the baseball playoffs ... Thanks for your essay ... I've been busy lately and it was a big help

Senior General Than Shwe
Union of Myanmar


Hey, Garlic;

Great article! ... I sure can tell you one thing, there aren't any phony players in the playoffs this year ...

Rush Limbaugh
Bloated Radio Talking Head

P.S. I'm rooting for whoever Media Matters is rooting against!


Dear The Garlic;

Thanks for the great baseball article ... I'm so glad the kids are with their father now ... I can have some piece-and-quiet, knock back a few beers while watching the games

Britney Spears
Singer?


Dear Garlic;

Man, I had the chance to read your baseball essay while I was waiting for my court appearance ... Really solid! ... I'm so glad I made bail so I can watch the playoffs on my big screen TV (Oops - Don't tell the Goldmans' or they'll be coming after me for it).

Peace
O.J. Simpson

Bonus B-Ball Links

Baseball Almanac: Post Season

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal; Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone; Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA

Politics and Sports Collide; Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs; MLB Mulling Changing Status Of Home Runs In Wake Of New Bonds Allegations

Second Palmeiro Bombshell: Tests Positive For Cialis

Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids; Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934

MLB All-Star Game ... Get Your Handy Baseball Primer, Right Here!

Don't be left out this evening.

Maybe you're hosting or attending a Major League Baseball All-Star Game party ... You'll be around hardcore fans and you know jack-shit about baseball ... You're nervous, fear-filled sweat pouring off you, like a Senator caught with a hooker...

No way can you work your Blackberry discreetly, searching through baseball sites or Googling the lingo, so you can be hip and flow with the conversation ...

Well, fear no more ...

Just read The Garlic's legendary essay;
Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

You won't blurt out anything like "why don't they call it 4th base", or wonder the big deal between a starting pitcher and relief pitcher ... You learn the difference between "dugout" and "bullpen" ... Designated hitter and pinch hitter ... And why a battery in baseball has nothing to do with a perpetually-moving toy bunny, banging a drum ...

Get ready to enter the riveting and arcane world of baseball.

Here's just a small sampling of the testimonials that poured in.

“As you may know, I had to make a pretty big decision this past weekend and your baseball piece really helped chill me out and relax – Thanks!”
Katie Couric , NBC Today Show ... CBS Evening News


“While I enjoyed reading your ‘Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?’, I fear it could fuel an upswing in illegal immigration, unless this government starts protecting our borders.”
Lou Dobbs, CNN


Since I’ve been in a letter-writing mode lately, thought I’d drop you a note to say how much I enjoyed the baseball essay and how much I learned from it. Perhaps, someday, we’ll have the game over here (and with the stadium lights powered by our new nuclear energy!)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of Iran

I am going to give you a scoop.

After recently reading your post “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?” I just had to quit Rocketboom, so I could begin my new career in baseball right away!

Amanda Congdon
Former Internet News Star

Bonus Links

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal; Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone; Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA
Politics and Sports Collide; Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush
South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs; MLB Mulling Changing Status Of Home Runs In Wake Of New Bonds Allegations
Second Palmeiro Bombshell: Tests Positive For Cialis
Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids; Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934