Our Baseball Essay ... A Day Late, But We'll Explain Who's Playing Shortstop

For the second day, we offer one of our special essays, our letter-producing, much-heralded, all-you-need-to-know, "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?"



While, officially, the season began last evening (and what planet has a baseball season opener at night? Aim your rotten tomatoes at MLB and ESPN), the full slate begins today , in daylight, under afternoon sunshine (hopefully).

And, if you attended, or watched, last night's game, and felt like a polka-playing accordionist time-warp-thrusted into a discotheque, not understanding the game of baseball, not knowing the lingo, or positions, incumbent on being a member of the official fandom of "our national pastime", then you need our essay;

There are various breeds of relief pitchers. You have long relievers and short relievers. The title refers not to their size but to the length of time that they pitch. After all, you have long relievers that are short and short relievers that are tall.

Sometimes a relief pitcher will do so well (he’ll have his stuff) that he gets credit with the win.Other times (not having his stuff) he’ll get pinned with the loss. On some occasions, he’ll only get a save, with the win going to the starting pitcher who didn’t have his stuff and couldn’t finish the game, thus being relieved. It even happens that relief pitchers get relieved by other relief pitchers.

Don't worry, we cover all the other positions (including the "opposite field", and "utility fielder"), so after reading "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?", you can belly up to any bar and banter with the best of them.

And, no, "Who's on First."


Bonus B'Ball Riffs

Tomgram: Robert Lipsyte, Welcome to Fandora ...Root, Root, Root for the Owners… Is Baseball a Fading Allegory for the Fading American Way of Life?

The Savvy Girls of Summer

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal ...Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone ... Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA

Politics and Sports Collide ...Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs ...MLB Mulling Changing Status Of Home Runs In Wake Of New Bonds Allegations

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Might Have Happened To Ted Williams' Head

You Don't Hit With Your Face

Play Ball! ... The Best Baseball Primer Is Here!

Yes, it's that time of year when The Garlic swings into Public Service mode, to educate the young'ins, nourish the nattering needy, and give you the blueprint for being able to sit down and watch a Major League Baseball game, not feeling as if, suddenly, the world began speaking Esperanto, and no one gave you the memo.



It's our triannual posting of "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?"

And, in fact, we can brag some, as, with only a little stretching, we can say that our Baseball Primer was endorsed by the now-sitting President of the United States;

Great piece! I’d like to ask if I can record ‘Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?’ for my next Spoken Word project?”

Barack Obama, Senator, U.S. Senate

And, it has crossed international boundaries;

Since I’ve been in a letter-writing mode lately, thought I’d drop you a note to say how much I enjoyed the baseball essay and how much I learned from it. Perhaps, someday, we’ll have the game over here (and with the stadium lights powered by our new nuclear energy!)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran

What makes The Garlic's "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?", so good?

We drill down.

For instance, do you know the difference between a starting pitcher and a relief pitcher;

The man that throws the ball is called a pitcher. You have different kinds of pitchers – starting pitchers and relief pitchers. A starting pitcher will pitch for as long and and as well as he can. If he doesn’t have his stuff (all pitchers will tell you that they have stuff) and can’t finish the game, a relief pitcher is brought in.

There are various breeds of relief pitchers. You have long relievers and short relievers. The title refers not to their size but to the length of time that they pitch. After all, you have long relievers that are short and short relievers that are tall.

Or the difference between leftfield and the opposite field?

In the outfield, you have a right fielder, left fielder and center fielder. There is no opposite fielder. The three outfielders are expected to cover the opposite field - wherever that may be based on who’s at bat. You also have utility fielders and, no, there isn’t a utility field. A utility fielder can play both the infield and outfield, but not at the same time.

Or how a hitter (or batter) can hang in there?

A hitter can hang in there by fouling one off or fouling it upstairs. He can also foul it out of play, foul it back, chop it foul or pop it foul. Sometimes the ball just drops foul. There are times when a hitter will foul out. If a pitcher (starter or reliever, long or short) throws a spitter, you’ll see the hitter cry foul. The umpires, the men in dark suits who stand behind the bases and enforce the rules, take a lot of foul abuse from players and fans, who holler foul when they don’t agree with the umpire’s decision. Foul weather will cancel a game, putting everybody in a foul mood.

There's a lot to grasp in our national pastime, so, if you're sitting there with your sweetie, or going out with the gang after work, to catch a game, you don't want to come off as Miss South Carolina.

Have a little pride, get glove, get in the game, as they say.

Go read The Garlic's "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?"

It will save you from suffering a summer of ridicule.


Bonus Fungo Riffs

Politics and Sports Collide ...Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal ... Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone ... Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Mitchell Baseball Steroid Investigation Is Unlike CIA Torture Tapes Case

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Citigroup Keeping Stadium Sponsorship After Getting Government Bailout

You Don't Hit With Your Face

Don't Be A McCain ... Enjoy The All Star Game Tonight!

It's history tonight, the last Major League Baseball All Star game in old Yankee Stadium

Yes, we are performing our tri-annual public service, of assisting you in making your baseball viewing much more enjoyable.

You don't have to sit in front of your television set, like Stumblin' Bumblin' John McCain sits in front of a computer, scratching your head, waiting for someone to tell you what's going on (hopefully, unlike SB John, you do have the ability to turn the thing on).

All you have to do is to take a few minutes and read The Garlic's classic essay "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?".

Soon after, you'll be jabbering with the best of them ... You become a veritable Red Barber, or Ring Lardner, tossing out the baseball bon mots like your were born at home plate (and, you'll know from the essay, it's not really a "plate").

Not convinced?

Look at the impact of our "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?" has had on governments;

I have to back up the President here. We haven’t closed down the office that is hunting for Osama bin Laden.

After reading your very fine baseball piece (okay, we didn’t exactly read it; It got swept up in our Domestic Surveillance Program), we decided to shift Alec Station to Summer Hours, so they could catch more baseball games.

Sorry for any confusion

General Michael V. Hayden
Director, Central Intelligence Agency


I so much liked your story on American Baseball, I am going have copies printed and make it mandatory for passengers of our new Himalayan train service to read it (sorry I can’t let them go out on the Internet and look it up for themselves)

President Hu Jintao, China


Since I’ve been in a letter-writing mode lately, thought I’d drop you a note to say how much I enjoyed the baseball essay and how much I learned from it. Perhaps, someday, we’ll have the game over here (and with the stadium lights powered by our new nuclear energy!)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran

Go read "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?" ... You'll be a star at the water cooler tomorrow morning ...


Bonus B-Ball Riffs

Weekend At Rogers'; Or The Dead Guy For The Mitchell Report

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Mitchell Baseball Steroid Investigation Is Unlike CIA Torture Tapes Case

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal; Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone; Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA

It's Here! ... Baseball and The Garlic's Infamous Essay!

The smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd ...

Oh, sorry, wrong medium ...

It's Batter Up! and Play Ball!

The 2008 Major League Baseball season, technically, started last week (Red Sox and Oakland A's played in Japan), but, for all intents-and-purpose, Opening Day is today.

And regular, longtime readers of The Garlic knows what that means ... It's time for the growing-infamous-by-the-minute (we may have to put one of those counter clocks up) baseball essay;

"Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?"

Some pitchers (remember, he can be a starter or reliever, long or short) will wind up before they pitch. Other will deliver it from a stretch. They can throw sinkers, sliders, spitters, knucklers, curves, screwballs and change-ups. Some are plain fastballers, others sneaky lowballers. A few are outright screwballs, but we digress.

A hitter can hang in there by fouling one off or fouling it upstairs. He can also foul it out of play, foul it back, chop it foul or pop it foul. Sometimes the ball just drops foul. There are times when a hitter will foul out. If a pitcher (starter or reliever, long or short) throws a spitter, you’ll see the hitter cry foul. The umpires, the men in dark suits who stand behind the bases and enforce the rules, take a lot of foul abuse from players and fans, who holler foul when they don’t agree with the umpire’s decision. Foul weather will cancel a game, putting everybody in a foul mood.

Thousands, perhaps, tens-of-thousands have had their understanding of baseball greatly enhanced by this essay!

Including Presidential Candidates;

Great piece! I’d like to ask if I can record ‘Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?’ for my next Spoken Word project?”
Barack Obama, Senator, U.S. Senate

“I took some time off from spying on K.T. McFarland and read ‘Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?’ – Great stuff!”
Hillary Clinton, U.S. Senator

And World Leaders;

Since I’ve been in a letter-writing mode lately, thought I’d drop you a note to say how much I enjoyed the baseball essay and how much I learned from it. Perhaps, someday, we’ll have the game over here (and with the stadium lights powered by our new nuclear energy!)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran


I so much liked your story on American Baseball, I am going have copies printed and make it mandatory for passengers of our new Himalayan train service to read it (sorry I can’t let them go out on the Internet and look it up for themselves)

President Hu Jintao, China

Don't go through the 2008 Baseball Season scratching your head ... Wondering ... Feeling left out ...Don't miss out ... Get all the 411 on baseball you'll need, so you can jump in with the gang at the water cooler and sound like a pro ..

Read "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?"


Bonus Shameless Pitch

Visit the Savvy Girls of Summer and order their new book "It Takes More Than Balls - The Savvy Girls' Guide To Understanding and Enjoying Baseball"

Garlic Coverage of Baseball Steroid Scandal

If we were set up like a newspaper, think of this post as a sidebar story.

The Garlic has been at the forefront of the blogosphere with it's detailed coverage, the digging, the intrepid reporting, of baseball's steroid scandals - stories you won't find anywhere else.

Take them out for a spin and enjoy!

Bonds Indicted ... Let's Have A Barrypalooza!

Top Ten Cloves: How Barry Bonds Celebrated Breaking Hank Aaron's Homerun Record Last Night

Retro Garlic ... Bonds Bashing and Landis Landing ... In The Lab ... Again

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal; Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone; Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA

Politics and Sports Collide; Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

















Second Palmeiro Bombshell: Tests Positive For Cialis

IOC Dumps Baseball; Fewer HR's and Little Scandal Potential; New MLB Ban On Steroids Limits PR Effort of Games, IOC TV Time

Schumer, MLB Call For New Roberts Probe; No Records Found Of His Work As Umpire; May Have To Abstain From Potential Steroid Cases

Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal; of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids; Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934

More Steroid Hearings - The NFL Goes To Congress; McGwire Surprise Witness; Still Not Talking

And, if you are new to baseball, brush up with the best darn baseball primer on the World Wide Web!

Special Essay - Play Ball! ... Batter Up! - Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

It's MLB Playoff Time ... That Means Time For The Garlic Baseball Primer Essay

Editor's Note: New York Mets Fans ... You can click to another post

It's Major League Baseball Playoff Time! ... The beginning of the steps to the Fall Classic, the World Series

And it's become now, a public service for The Garlic.

So many have written, thanking The Garlic for enlightening them, not making feel like their sitting in the corner, wearing a dunce cap, while attending a baseball playoff party.

They've had no need to jump up and go to The Google, to look up what "He'll be taking in this situation" or trying to find the "Utility Field" that the "Utilityfielder" plays at. "He's working the count" will no longer be mystery.

Don't be anxious or lost any longer ... Just read The Garlic's legendary essay;

Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

And here's some of the latest testimonials that have come in.

Dear Garlic;

You can pass on to your readers that I will be turning the Internet back on, only so we can keep track of the baseball playoffs ... Thanks for your essay ... I've been busy lately and it was a big help

Senior General Than Shwe
Union of Myanmar


Hey, Garlic;

Great article! ... I sure can tell you one thing, there aren't any phony players in the playoffs this year ...

Rush Limbaugh
Bloated Radio Talking Head

P.S. I'm rooting for whoever Media Matters is rooting against!


Dear The Garlic;

Thanks for the great baseball article ... I'm so glad the kids are with their father now ... I can have some piece-and-quiet, knock back a few beers while watching the games

Britney Spears
Singer?


Dear Garlic;

Man, I had the chance to read your baseball essay while I was waiting for my court appearance ... Really solid! ... I'm so glad I made bail so I can watch the playoffs on my big screen TV (Oops - Don't tell the Goldmans' or they'll be coming after me for it).

Peace
O.J. Simpson

Bonus B-Ball Links

Baseball Almanac: Post Season

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal; Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone; Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA

Politics and Sports Collide; Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs; MLB Mulling Changing Status Of Home Runs In Wake Of New Bonds Allegations

Second Palmeiro Bombshell: Tests Positive For Cialis

Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids; Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934

MLB All-Star Game ... Get Your Handy Baseball Primer, Right Here!

Don't be left out this evening.

Maybe you're hosting or attending a Major League Baseball All-Star Game party ... You'll be around hardcore fans and you know jack-shit about baseball ... You're nervous, fear-filled sweat pouring off you, like a Senator caught with a hooker...

No way can you work your Blackberry discreetly, searching through baseball sites or Googling the lingo, so you can be hip and flow with the conversation ...

Well, fear no more ...

Just read The Garlic's legendary essay;
Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

You won't blurt out anything like "why don't they call it 4th base", or wonder the big deal between a starting pitcher and relief pitcher ... You learn the difference between "dugout" and "bullpen" ... Designated hitter and pinch hitter ... And why a battery in baseball has nothing to do with a perpetually-moving toy bunny, banging a drum ...

Get ready to enter the riveting and arcane world of baseball.

Here's just a small sampling of the testimonials that poured in.

“As you may know, I had to make a pretty big decision this past weekend and your baseball piece really helped chill me out and relax – Thanks!”
Katie Couric , NBC Today Show ... CBS Evening News


“While I enjoyed reading your ‘Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?’, I fear it could fuel an upswing in illegal immigration, unless this government starts protecting our borders.”
Lou Dobbs, CNN


Since I’ve been in a letter-writing mode lately, thought I’d drop you a note to say how much I enjoyed the baseball essay and how much I learned from it. Perhaps, someday, we’ll have the game over here (and with the stadium lights powered by our new nuclear energy!)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of Iran

I am going to give you a scoop.

After recently reading your post “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?” I just had to quit Rocketboom, so I could begin my new career in baseball right away!

Amanda Congdon
Former Internet News Star

Bonus Links

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal; Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone; Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA
Politics and Sports Collide; Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush
South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs; MLB Mulling Changing Status Of Home Runs In Wake Of New Bonds Allegations
Second Palmeiro Bombshell: Tests Positive For Cialis
Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids; Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934