Retro Garlic: Governor Gaucho Riding Off Into The Sunset

"Oh woe is me ..."

That about sums up the lenghty outpouring today of the former Governor Gaucho, the Appalachian-Hiking, Secret-Brazilian-Lover Mark Sanford of South Carolina.

He took to Facebook to annouce calling off his pending wedding to that Secret Brazilian Lover, fiancée María Belén Chapur, and rambles through the Fields of Elysia, giving a H/T to God in airing the dirty laundry of his divorce proceedings.

A snippet from his Appalachian-long Facebook post;

"...She wanted full control of their custodial accounts which were very significant in size, I gave it. I did these things for two reasons. One, because my good friend Cubby Culbertson had reminded me that it was all God's - and if he wanted you to have more, you would…and if he wanted you to have less, you would have less. He accordingly strongly advised against spending money and time and controversy fighting over things that God ultimately controlled ... "

To which the kids over on Gawker have some advise for Sanford;

"Lawyers, alas, may actually be more powerful than God."

He tells of his ex-wife putting demands on him, like drug and alcohol testing and this;

" ...Finally, Jenny and her lawyer also go on to ask me to undertake an array of programs and evaluations, each one more riveting than the next ..."

Without using the actual word, acting as a martyred Eddie Haskell, our former Governor Gaucho is actually calling his ex-wife a bitch

With a woe-is-me-smile, and heavy heart.

And, he seems to disengage himself, that all these troubles he's blaming on God, are actually the result of him lying, taking on a Secret Brazilian Lover, and putting on he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when, in fact, he was flying down, to Rio.


Typical corrupt Republican - it's always someone else's fault.

You can read more about it;

TPM:  Mark Sanford Unloads Custody Battle Details In Agonizing Facebook Post About Breaking Up With His Fiancée

Wonkette:  Mark Sanford Leaves The Appalachian Trail; Also, That Chick He Was Banging   The end of the affair

Oh, the Retro Part;

Governor Gaucho!

Like A Lover

Not Sure What Kind of Stimulus Package Would Be Appropriate Here ...

Picked up this interesting gem, yesterday, from SiliconValley.Com;

This recession is so bad not even sex sells

How bad is this recession? Even sex doesn't sell.

That's the glum assessment of those in the adult entertainment industry, hundreds of whom gathered last week for the annual Cybernet Expo conference in San Francisco. The industry, now a multibillion-dollar online business, has discovered that people just aren't willing to click-to-pay for vice the way they once did.

"Times are tough," Jay Kopita, director of operations for the expo, said with a sigh. "You'd think this would be recession-proof."

Turns out pay-per-view sex is just another sector struggling in the downturn.

[snip]

Piracy is also cutting into profits with the proliferation of "tube sites" — the YouTubes of porn where copyrighted video clips are frequently illegally uploaded. "We are being devastated by this," said Dick Webber, who operates a Silicon Valley-based Web site and who, like the actors, goes by a stage name.

"The Internet is both a help and a hindrance," said longtime porn performer and producer Dave Cummings, who expects his next movie, "Knee Pad Nymphos Volume 10," to fall victim to online thieves. "I'm convinced the first day it's out it will be a popular video to be stolen."

Many at the conference talked of altering business plans to provide content, such as live Webcams, that can't be ripped off. "There is no incentive for a surfer to subscribe to a site unless you have some offering that is unique and can't be replicated on a tube site," Webber said.

Hmmmm ...

Foley, Vitter, Craig, Ensign and, now, Governor Gaucho ...

Maybe they need to hire some congressman, and other elected government officials, to boost sales.

Like A Lover

We're going light this evening, as it was a rather busy day on the homefront, and not time enough to do anything meaningful (though there are a number of juicy items for ravaging, which, hopefully, we'll get to in the next day, or two).

However, despite the desire for respite, we can't possibly pass up on Governor Gaucho, today.

If Keith Olbermann every wants to reprise his "Hey ... Get A Shovel", there is a man, desperately in need of such coaching, down in South Carolina.



The divorce lawyers in the area must be licking their chops, as they send email, letters, telegrams, or even, skywriters, encouraging Governor Gaucho to "Keep Talking - Please!"

His staff should start looking to get that Hannibal Lecter mask thingy, if this guy, either can't control himself, or doesn't want to control himself.

Or, simply, it may just be, as Alison Stewart, sub-hosting on 'The Rachel Maddow Show", suggested, that Governor Gaucho fell out of the love tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

Sanford Calls Mistress His 'Soul Mate' ... S.C. Governor Also Admits To Other Dalliances

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford called his Argentine mistress his "soul mate" Tuesday, but said that he would try to fall back in love with his wife.

Sanford also admitted Tuesday that he saw Maria Belen Chapur more times than previously disclosed, and that he had "crossed lines" with a handful of women other than his mistress in the past -- but never had sex with them.

[snip]

The governor said he met Chapur in Punta Del Este, Uruguay, in 2001 after his final term in Congress and before his first term as governor. He said the two struck up an e-mail correspondence after meeting on a dance floor -- a chance encounter during which he counseled her into the night about her failing marriage.

"There was some kind of connection from the very beginning," he told The Associated Press.

What "Tips for Cheating Spouses" is this guy reading?

Not sure that is the kind of thing you want to say, publically, no less, if you are intent of making good with your wife.

Maybe, as he nears a podium, or gaggle of reporters, the staff should just run out an tackle him.

John Amato, on Crooks and Liars;

Did Sanford tell the AP what the Bible says about "letting his guard down?" What does that even mean? It means that he's a player and has been for a long time.
Will his wife think he should be given a second chance after reading and hearing about all of this? Sanford is a mess and can't stop talking about "Maria." Isn't there a show on the BBC about Maria?

'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?'

I think there's a reality show in this somewhere. Does Sanford really want to stay married? It certainly sounds like he'd rather have the media send love notes to Maria, his true soul mate than make up with his wife.

Calling the woman, who is not your wife, your "soul mate" ...

Leonard Pinth Garnell, if he were hosting something like "Bad Marriage Theatre", would only be left to utter, "Monumentally ill-advised!", or, perhaps, "Astonishingly ill-chosen!"

However, as has been a tradition here on The Garlic, to provide soundtracks for those in a bind, we have the song for you, Governor Gaucho.

It is full of breaking-heart longing, aching passion, something only directed at ones' true soul mate.

Go for it, Governor Gaucho, copy the link, and fire it off!

Like A Lover - Carmen McRae

LIKE A LOVER - Carmen McRae


Bonus Governor Gaucho Riffs

Wonkette: Sanford Talks Of ‘Soul Mate,’ Other Ladies In Most Embarrassing Interview Yet

D-Day: Sanford's Peculiar "Honesty"

Alan Colmes: Sanford Says He Didn’t Tell The Truth When He Said He Was Telling Us The Truth

Joan Walsh: Mark Sanford's slow-motion crackup

Governor Gaucho!

The 1927 movie, staring the great Douglas Fairbanks (and Lupe Velez), 'The Gaucho', carried this riveting teaser;

A glorious tale of gay adventure and romantic daring on the wild plains of South America!

Saints and cutthroats! Shrines and robbers' lairs! A madcap mountain lass and a bandit chieftain---the Gaucho! A fiery tale of the most picturesque adventure beyond the Andes!

If Fairbanks was the prototype swashbuckler, than South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford takes the crown for being the seminal "swashbumbler".

We really wanted to stay away from this story, as it exploded on the World Wide Web over the past two, or three, days.

It was clear, from the get-go, that this madcap adventure by Governor Gaucho was FUBAR, all the way.

And, we do want to give props to Larisa Alexandrovna, who was on-the-money, early today - before Governor Gaucho's pathetic press conference - with "Did Gov. Sanford go on vacation with a mistress?";

Now, if I remember correctly, Argentina has phones and televisions. Why could his staff or anyone else not reach him for nearly a week? Moreover, his security detail was not with him. So unless the guy actually was in rehab all this time, the only other logical explanation is that he went on an unplanned trip or lied about a planned trip and wanted to keep it secret, to the point of causing national hysteria regarding his disappearance. The only reason to be that secretive is if you are taking a trip with a special friend.

I should note that I am speculating and have absolutely no proof that Sanford was vacationing with a lover. Yet as an investigative reporter I can tell you that his story is not credible.

Yes, Governor Gaucho was "vacationing with a lover"

I will speculate, that Team Governor Gaucho would have stuck to the story, that he was out, hiking the Appalachian Trail, if only it didn't surface that the First Day of Summer, this past Sunday, when Governor Gaucho was said to be on-the-trails, happened to be National Hike Naked Day.

Story not credible?

How's this endorsement, from his wife, yesterday, as Team Gaucho Governor still was running with the intrepid hiker line;

A CNN reporter tracked down Jenny Stanford at her Sullivan Island vacation home. Sounding less like the wife of a 2012 presidential contender and more like America's favorite reality TV star announcing her separation from her husband, she said: "I am being a mom today. I have not heard from my husband. I am taking care of my children."

Jenny Stanford had helped stoke the story yesterday when she told the AP she didn't know where her husband was.

It's unclear why hiking the Appalachian Trail would be something Sanford would keep from his wife.

What Was Rory Gilmore Doing At Governor Gaucho's Press Conference?

So, all the whispers ended today, when Governor Gaucho stood up to do a rambling Press Conference (and yes, he has separated from his wife, so, thankfully, we didn't get the Mrs. David-Vitter-Tammy Wynette-Stand-By-Your-Man, Bad-Politician's-Wife-Theatre), perhaps, attempting to stay ahead of this strengthening tsunami-of-a-story, and the hometown paper, that has, and will be printing (drumroll, please), EMAILS!!

"Two, mutual feelings .... You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night's light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details ..."

Good call there, Governor Gaucho, don't go there ...

And, one more thing about the press conference.

You can watch it HERE (via MSNBC), and, shortly after it starts, behind Governor Gaucho, and, also, a man in white polo shirt, is a young woman, who, uncannily, looks like Rory Gilmore.

Was the Yale Bulldog covering this?

Roland Hedley Aiming For A Pulitzer

One of Gary Trudeau's amazing characters, Roland Hedley, on his Twitter account, has been pounding the pavement on the Governor Gaucho story - Thankfully!

A sample ...

Prearranged for me to ask second question at Sanford presser. Will be reading question from Argentinian hiker.

Haley Barbour waits 4 mins, then elbows past Ensign, steps over Sanford: "Excuse me, y'all. Comin' through. Excuse me..."

Just terminated 14 email relationships. No more direct messages, please.

Children, elderly banned from Sanford presser over concerns of possible Full Monty.

Sanford story checking out. Campers in Ecuador, Bolivia, Paraguay report sightings of fast-moving, naked hiker.

Lastly, another bizarre, ironic twist to the Tale of Governor Gaucho.

H/T to @Will Bunch, who pointed to this article, from earlier in the month;

Sanford touts individual readiness ... Governor urges residents to have evacuation plans, emergency kits with proper supplies

We will be hearing, in the days, weeks, and months ahead, all about Governor Gaucho's "individual readiness".


Olé - Bonus Governor Gaucho Riffs

Zachary Roth: Sanford Press Conference Leaves Unanswered Questions

Will Bunch: No one would ever look for OUR governor on the Appalachian Trail!

Blu Gal: Dear Mrs. Sanford

Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo: what is it with these repressed republicans?

Think Progress: Will Republicans ‘Ask Questions’ Of Sanford, Rather Than ‘Circle The Wagons For One Of Our Tribe’?

Joe Gandelman: Two Reasons Why Mark Sanford’s Political Career Is Now Dead