Tuesday 22 February 2005

Prez Europe Trip Quashes Holiday Celebrations

Tens-of-scores of festivities, speeches, parades and cherry pie-eating contests were cancelled yesterday through-out America as the the United States was without a President, standing on U.S. soil.

Long-standing traditions fell by the wayside as President Bush was off on his fence-mending mission in Europe.

White House official were deluged with telephone calls, emails and telegrams from outraged organizers, band members and pie eaters, many who have spent the past year preparing for their President's Day activities.

Rules call for the President of the United States to be in-country and, by declaration at 12:01 AM declare the President's Day Holiday.

Talks fell apart by 6:30AM when parties could not come to terms with allowing the Vice President to stand in and, though he offered to 'take charge', retired General Alexander Haig was excluded from consideration as he is not in active service.

As the Uncle Sam packed away his stilts, and a third-grade class went ahead, to an audience of only parents and teachers, with their reading of the Preamble, one baker in Valley Forge, PA asked to nobody in particular - 'What am I going to do with 200 cherry pies?"


Royal Navy Courts Gays

It's been five-years since the British lifted its ban on gays serving in the military.

In a new campaign, announced yesterday, of 'We're Asking, So Please Tell', Britian's Royal Navy is actively recruiting gays to join its' fleet. Recently, gay men and woman have served in the war in Iraq with distinction, and under the same rules of decorum as their hetrosexual troop mates.

Everything from better benefits, better pay, more education for non-gay officers and the DVD of the Marlon Brando-version of Mutiny on the Bounty are being employed in the drive



Air Luxenbourg To Hit The Airwaves; Raid Competetion's Talent

Citing the success of now-competitor, Air America, plans to launch Air Luxenborg next month were announced by a consortium or radio broadcasters in Luxenbourg.

Eight of the 11 radio broadcasters from he tiny grand duchy, founded in 963 and nestled between France and Germany indicated that, despite the lack of political controversy - the country is officially neutral - they believe they can make an impact in the growing European Union.

Plans call for 24-hour broadcasting, in Luxembourgish, with sub-channel available in French and German. Content will be centered around the major industries of Luxenborg, which include banking, iron and steel, food processing, chemicals, metal products, engineering, tires, glass, and aluminum. Special farm and cheese and Anti-Bush reports will be added.

Reports indicate that Air Luxenbourg has engaged in talks with Air America personalties, Al Franken and Randi Rhodes. Both Franken and Rhodes offered no comment when asked if they plan to join Air Luxenbourg.