iToy

It is definitely different this time.

No screaming throngs crammed into Moscone Center, shrieking when the TurtleNecked One steps on to the stage, and starts recreating life, as we know it, with the latest-and-greatest Apple product, all but throwing themselves at his feet, or rushing the stage with their first-born cradled in arms.



Apple has stores now, so they can spread around the Apple Worship, generating buzz with Mister-and-Misses-HaveEveryMacProduct bundled up in well-worn sleeping bags, days in advance, sure to become the local news crews' geek-of-the-week interview.

No, rather than sprinkle the new iPad around to all the acolyte tech bloggers, to gin-up that Cupertino-approved ground buzz, Apple only handed out a few, and detoured from the little guys to go gangbusters mainstream, in living color, on prime time television;

John Biggs, over on CrunchGear;

Something struck me about Apple’s handling of the iPad launch this week. Instead of countless nerds spouting off in early reviews, only a few major tech press folks got early samples. Instead, the iPad showed up in a show the missus and I watch, Modern Family.*

That’s right: instead of an overfed talking-head tech reporter pawing over the iPad on morning TV, the iPad got prime-time coverage in a sitcom. Think about the last computer company to get that kind of screen time. Only Microsoft, in their abysmal product placement in Family Guy comes to mind. But in Modern Family the iPad was a major plot point. While I’m sure Apple paid a pretty penny for the exposure, I don’t doubt the folks at ABC would have put the product in for free had Apple asked.

Well, John, it may be that is was a gigantic big, fat freebie wet kiss



Modern Family' Featured an IPad, but ABC Didn't Collect ...Why Apple Didn't Have to Pay for Play -- Again

NEW YORK (AdAge.com) -- Apple may not have paid for its new and much-ballyhooed iPad device to be woven into a main storyline in last night's showing of "Modern Family" on ABC, but everyone is acting as if they did.

Apple has been telling other media outlets it paid nothing for "Family's" bumbling Phil Dunphy character to spend the better part of the program yearning for a new Apple iPad (due out this Saturday) and even stroking the machine wistfully at show's end. And two people familiar with the situation reiterate that notion, telling us Apple and the studio that produces "Modern Family" -- News Corp's 20th Century Fox -- collaborated on its hard-to-miss cameo. Also worth noting: On Twitter, actor Jesse Tyler Ferguson, who plays Mitchell on the show, said "I will say that no 'Product' has been 'Placed' in my itchy little palm. I am excited about the iPad & will probably break down and buy one!"

[snip]

Apple historically doesn't pay for appearances in programming, moreover, and it may not have to. Its gadgets and computers are viewed as status symbols, even cultural icons, so it's no wonder to see shows that want to make characters seem hip -- witness the perennial appearance of an Apple laptop in HBO's "Sex and the City" -- happily weave its goods into scenes and hands.

[snip]

Even without Apple plunking down any cash, last night's episode was tantamount to a huge wet kiss of approval for a product that has yet to be tested by actual consumer use. And it comes after "Modern Family" has helped burnish the Toyota name, allowing its characters to drive cars from the automaker, which has suffered after some of its cars were said to accelerate unexpectedly.

The hallowed buzz Job's is seeking is coming in, a bit muted, a little fuzzy.

The new product has thrown the Tech Heads a curve ball.

iPad isn't a computer, as much as it is an enlarged iPhone, minus the calling features, a technological piece of catnip, designed to have all the little MacKitties rub up against it, and then pull out their wallets at Apple's Citizen Kane-level domination ambitions, the AppStore.

I doubt we'll hear of injuries, or death, of someone's iPad suddenly accelerating, however, and especially for 'Modern Family' fans, we can't vouch for the safety of someone jumping into their Toyota's, to rush off to the nearest Apple Store.

It's really sounding like, more-or-less, an iToy.

Joshua Brustein, in the NYT Bits column today;

Much of this excitement comes from people who would never give a second thought to the restrictions Apple put on those developing software for the device. As both David Pogue and David Carr pointed out, the iPad is really a tool to consume media, not create content.

WOW!

To have an iPad, we have to double-up, first, being "consumers", taking that first step of saying "I want to buy an iPad", and then, once we have it, we have to "consume" media.

Which, if you've followed us, will be ready, and amply-stocked, at the AppStore.

Brustein was responding to Cory Doctorow, over on Boing Boing (where his colleague there, Xeni Jardin, loves it), who is putting on the iBrakes;

Why I won't buy an iPad (and think you shouldn't, either)

Incumbents made bad revolutionaries

Relying on incumbents to produce your revolutions is not a good strategy. They're apt to take all the stuff that makes their products great and try to use technology to charge you extra for it, or prohibit it altogether.

[snip]

But with the iPad, it seems like Apple's model customer is that same stupid stereotype of a technophobic, timid, scatterbrained mother as appears in a billion renditions of "that's too complicated for my mom" (listen to the pundits extol the virtues of the iPad and time how long it takes for them to explain that here, finally, is something that isn't too complicated for their poor old mothers).

The model of interaction with the iPad is to be a "consumer," what William Gibson memorably described as "something the size of a baby hippo, the color of a week-old boiled potato, that lives by itself, in the dark, in a double-wide on the outskirts of Topeka. It's covered with eyes and it sweats constantly. The sweat runs into those eyes and makes them sting. It has no mouth... no genitals, and can only express its mute extremes of murderous rage and infantile desire by changing the channels on a universal remote."

The way you improve your iPad isn't to figure out how it works and making it better. The way you improve the iPad is to buy iApps. Buying an iPad for your kids isn't a means of jump-starting the realization that the world is yours to take apart and reassemble; it's a way of telling your offspring that even changing the batteries is something you have to leave to the professionals.

Read all of Doctrow's post, as he goes on to slap the MSM upside the head, calling their fawning over Apple "Journalism is looking for a daddy figure," as he lays out more reasons to avoid the iPad.

Apple has the status-thing down pat, so we will soon be seeing breathless stories of the iPad "flying off the shelves", which may, or may not be followed, in the months ahead, of complaining, that all the iPad can do is "consume media", or the caterwauling of all the different apps one will have to purchase, to have that "iPad" experience.

It is in the end, a gadget, and there will be other gadgets to follow, to compete with the iPad. minus, of course, the glitter of Apple Status, that will drive down cost, and populate the landscape with all kinds of "media consumers".

All well-and-good, until Apple puts out iPad.02.

That is, of course, if Job's didn't misread the "consuming media" thing, and doesn't suddenly turn into Adam Osborne.


Bonus Riffs

Emily Holleman: A roundup of the early iPad reviews ...Apple's new tablet won't be released until Saturday, but the early notices are favorable -- with a few gripes

Danny O'Brien's Oblomovka: cd-roms and ipads

Juli Weiner: iPad Backlash: The Time is Nigh

Ravi Somaiya: iPad Backlash: The iPad is Not Your Savior

More iToy/iPad at Techmeme


Bonus Bonus Riffs

Apple Settles With Cisco!; Rolling Dice With New iBeckham Phone ...Jobs Promises Aging Soccer Star Can Store "Billions of Photos" of Himself; New "Posh" Command Added

New iPod Phone Requires Downloading Calls

Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent

Apple Validates Our Scoop On The iSqueal!

Who knew we would be so prophetic?

On multiple fronts.

First there was the minor fun we had, with the Little Lost iPhone last week, in our 'The iPhone That Knew Too Much', running a wisp of a thread of the classic Hitchcock film in it.



After dismissing that "Redwood City (California) will never, ever, ever be mistaken for in Marrakesh", we had this breaking news;

Police Seize Jason Chen's Computers

Last Friday night, California's Rapid Enforcement Allied Computer Team entered editor Jason Chen's home without him present, seizing four computers and two servers. They did so using a warrant by Judge of Superior Court of San Mateo. According to Gaby Darbyshire, COO of Gawker Media LLC, the search warrant to remove these computers was invalid under section 1524(g) of the California Penal Code.

Holy Handcuffs Batman!

Rapid Enforcement Allied Computer Team?

Do they actually have lightening-quick robots that go out, paralyze people, that drag them back to Apple HQ for an under-the-burning LED interrogation?



Apple asked for 'lost' iPhone criminal probe

The criminal investigation into the purported theft of an apparent iPhone prototype came at the request of Apple Inc., officials said Tuesday.

[snip]

Wagstaffe said that an outside counsel for Apple, along with Apple engineer Powell, called the District Attorney’s office on Wednesday or Thursday of last week to report a theft had occurred and they wanted it investigated. The District Attorney’s office then referred them to the Rapid Enforcement and Allied Computer Team, or REACT, a multi-jurisdictional, high-tech crime task force that operates under the Santa Clara County District Attorney’s office.

REACT then sought out the warrant that was served on the home of Gizmodo writer Jason Chen, seizing several computers, a server and external hard drives, as well as copies of Chen’s paystubs and his American Express bill. The warrant was served on April 23 while Chen and his wife were out of the house, leading investigators to break down his door and conduct the search.

[snip]

Apple is on the steering committee of REACT along with 24 other Silicon Valley companies including Microsoft Corp., Adobe Systems Inc., Symantec Corp., KLA-Tencor Inc., Applied Materials Inc. and Cisco Systems Inc. The committee acts as a liaison between the region’s tech industry and law enforcement

WOW!

When we said "Apple is, notoriously like The Yakuza", we had no idea they had a man on the inside.

Katie Marsal has more on that end of things.

Now, we have a cavalcade of legal circus acts to play out.



And this peaked our interest;

Apple May Have Traced iPhone to Finder’s Address

People identifying themselves as representing Apple last week visited and sought permission to search the Silicon Valley address of the college-age man who came into possession of a next-generation iPhone prototype, according to a person involved with the find.

“Someone came to [the finder's] house and knocked on his door,” the source told Wired.com, speaking on condition of anonymity because the case is under investigation by the police. A roommate answered, but wouldn’t let them in.

Hmmm ...

How did they know where to go?

Could they really trace it, and/or, did they get a tip?

That brings us square into a scoop we had, way back, in March of 2005;

Apple will also set up a special hotline - iSqueal - for people to phone or email in tips as to who may be leaking, or disparaging Apple or any Apple products.

Changes will be coming with iTunes as well. The purchase price will remain at .99, for those willing to sign a contract that they will not badmouth Apple. Otherwise, the purchase of a tune will cost $99 and Apple will create a dossier on that purchaser and monitor there actions and communications.

Ipods will now be outfitted with special senors to detect a batch of keywords related to dissent about Apple. If any of these keywords are used, the iPod shuts down, and sends a signal - much like a Lojack - for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve the iPod owner with a lawsuit.

Apple, unofficially, has validated the iSqueal!

We'll have to wait and see what else breaks with this case.

In the meantime, we'll let Andrew Leonard, of Salon, close us out, from his 'Steve Jobs' iPhone police state';

No one ends up looking good in this mess. Steve Jobs is a control freak with police powers. Apple employees don't know how to take care of super-secret prototypes! Finders of lost iPhones are perfectly happy to sell them to on-the-make media outlets. And the pursuit of the page-view jackpot turns reporters into black market entrepreneurs. It's a wonderful world.

The iPhone That Knew Too Much

"iPhone is back! The keeper of the light! All hail iPhone! All hail iPhone! Oh iPhone can you see by the dawn's early light..."

Grand Central Station Locker Creatures

Or: Wag The iPhone.



Well, there was quite the adventure, that has all the tech blogs abuzzin'.

Mind you, Redwood City (California) will never, ever, ever be mistaken for in Marrakesh, however there was every bit of cloak-and-dagger intrigue there recently, as the vaunted, legendary, super-secret, cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die Apple Security, especially around a new product, was breached.

And, no reports that Steve Jobs, or anyone else at Apple, had to sing "Que Serra Serra", so the lost next-generation iPhone could whistle back, like little Hank McKenna, in the classic Hitcock film we lifted our the title of our post from, in order to be found.

Here's the deal;

A young Apple engineer was out with the new, next-generation iPhone, at a bar in Redwood City, pounded down a few beers, and, ended up leaving it behind...

The Katzenjammer Kids over at Gizmodo, alledgely paid big bucks for it, tore it apart and plastered it all over their website.

Other tech bloggers, like moths-to-a-flame, jumped on it, oohing-and aahing" over it.

Gizmodo later writes how Apple is, quite reservedly, asking for it back - Gizmodo wants three Micky Mantle, and one Sandy Koufax baseball cards from Apple, but Apple, quietly, sends one Harmon Killebrew.

Gizmodo later outs the young Apple engineer, in telling the tale of how the next-generation iPhone got lost, and throws in a good word for the kid (as, possibly, gallows were being built at One Infinite Loop)

Story even makes MSM local news, primarily, as fade-out, chuckling, banter-with-co-anchor babble.

And, we back up MG Siegler, as having the first "bar-on-bar" joke.

But ...

Hold The Phone, as it were.

Something smells iFishy here.

Almost, conspicuously so.

Apple is, notoriously like The Yakuza, when it comes to security for their products.

So, how does it, despite the great storyline, one of their prototype iPhones end up in a bar, in Redwood City?

Color me iSkeptical.

Yeah, Apple recently had the Macy's Day Parade hysteria, over the release of its' new iToy.

But that dropped down in the middle of growing gripes, and flowing ink, on how Apple doesn't play nice in the iSandbox, with developers.

When you're out to take over the world, you don't stop to ask if the person you just crushed if they are alright.

So, maybe, this lost next-generation iPhone happened to be a bone tossed out.

Apple bet, correctly, that it would end up in the hands of a tech geek, who would, upon deconstructing and examining it, trumpet it out on the World Wide Web, all the techies get boners, and all is well in the iWorld again.

Much like the outing of Valerie Plame, we will, likely, never know the full story here.

Oliver Willis rings in on this, in his "Hey Tech Journalists! Are You Even Trying To Cover Apple?";

But what really troubled me as a consumer of tech news and as an Apple fan, was the kind of shockwave that went through the tech press at news about Apple coming out from a non-Apple event. Imagine that, news can be broken about Apple without Steve Jobs wearing a turtleneck and telling us how “magical” and “easy” the device is to operate (and yes, I do want an iPad… it’s magical!). The tech press has much of the same ailment that affects the political press, a willingness to sit on their hands and be spoonfed press releases. So much of tech news consists of covering releases and trade events, without enough investigation inbetween.

And, there was one post on this, that rang eerily close to something we wrote recently;

That is, of course, if Job's didn't misread the "consuming media" thing, and doesn't suddenly turn into Adam Osborne.

Dan Frommer, at Business Insider, cautions "Don't Buy An iPhone Until June";

Apple isn't likely to unveil the new iPhone officially until its Worldwide Developers Conference, which usually takes place in June. And the new phone probably won't go on sale until June or July.

But it appears to have several features that will be worth the wait. So unless you absolutely need a new iPhone now, we'd wait.

Oh No!

Will we soon see headlines of "iPhone Sales Plummet!"

Or, will that young engineer get the Clemenza "Oh, Paulie... won't see him no more ..." treatment?

Que Sera Sera, baby ...


Bonus Riffs

Farhad Manjoo: That New iPhone Looks ... Just Like the Old iPhone ...Has Apple reached the limits of industrial design?

Juli Weiner: Luckiest Tech Blog in the World Was Just Given What Appears To Be the New iPhone

Josh Duboff: Lost iPhone Is Bad News For Apple, Awesome For Nick Denton


Bonus Bonus

Since we linked to the Doris Day version up above, here's the real kick-ass rendition of the tune;

Que Sera Sera - Sly & The Family Stone

Wednesday 8 June 2005

Details Emerge From Apple-Intel Deal
Intel Breaks From Tradition, Must Promo 'Apple Outside'

With the announcement earlier this week, after more than a decade with I.B.M., Apple Computer is shifting, beginning in 2007, to using Intel microprocessors, a move that is sending shockwaves through the Apple loyalists.

Both Apple and Intel shares moved down slightly on Wall Street Monday, with Apple down 32-cents and Intel 16-cents down

And now, details are emerging of the deal.

One industry source has told The Garlic that Intel is required by the terms of the deal to run a promotional campaign of 'Apple Outside'.

Apple will not be required to promote Intel beyond standard elements, such as press releases, website and User Manuals.

"It was a deal breaker for Jobs. He knows his market and he's playing to the base, the die-hard Apple-users".

For Paul Otellini, Intel's chief executive, it was gut-check time. Traditionally, Intel has required its' partners, third-party developers and OEM's to run 'Intel Inside' promo's and campaign, almost as a seal-of-approval.

"It's a hard pill to swallow for Intel"

Reports indicate the 'Apple Outside' campaign will feature Apple products prominently and will point people to either Apple.com or iTunes.com

The Apple base is extremely nervous with this shift, as it is known that Intel doesn't have a PowerPC processor as strong as I.B.M.'s. Job's reportedly became concerned that I.B.M. wasn't producing a larger variety of the PowerPC processors, namely due to the low-volume profit of Apple's small market share.

Intel, on the other hand, with taking away the Apple business, now holds over 80% of the processor market.

'Apple Outside' promotions and media should start running by the end of this year

Thursday 28 April 2005

Old Ethics Rules Back In Force
DeLay Now Facing Additional Charges
Stowaway On Air Force One Effort To Avoid House Investigation

After President Bush concluded his weekend meeting with Saudi Prince Abdullah at the Western White House, and as Air Force One settled into its flight pattern after take-off from Galveston, Texas, Secret Service agents discovered Rep. Tom DeLay huddled behind a food cart in the service area.

A White House source, who was present on the flight, indicated that there were tense moments, when the Secret Service discovered the uninvited passenger and issued a 'lock-down' on the President, staff and other passengers.

Apparently, a flight attendant tipped the Secret Service by indicating the something was amiss, as there was food missing. Soon after the lock-down, agents emerged from the rear of the airplane, with DeLay in handcuffs, and he was escorted into the President's cabin.

"He was disheveled, sweating and glassy-eyed", said the source. "Clearly, he was in a panic".

The Secret Service, and the White House refused comment on the situation, saying it was an on-going investigation.

Other witnesses, including a cadre of the traveling press described the situation as 'bizarre'. Rumors quickly circulated, some saying that DeLay may have been on the airplane all weekend.

At the time, on the ground at the Capital, House Speaker Dennis Hastert was paving the way to overturning the contentious rule changes made to the House ethics process and reverting to the old rules, likely opening the House investigation into persistent questions as to the ethics of Mr. DeLay

At question is DeLay's overseas travel, and his cozy and beneficial relationships with prominent lobbyists. Some of those lobbyists are under federal investigation on other matters. Delay is already facing a grand jury investigation in Texas as to his fund-raising operations.

The Democratic House leader, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, hailed the move back to the old rules, saying it "avoided a significant political embarrassment for the majority". For the second time this year House Republicans have had to backtrack. In January, a rule was restored that prohibits leaders from staying in the posts if they are indicted, The initial rule changed was widely criticized as directly trying to protect leader DeLay.

Despite the glowing photo op's of a smiling President Bush walking with a smiling DeLay after landing in Washington, DeLay now faces a battery of federal charges for his stowaway attempt.

"Even if he wanted to", the source offered, "Bush can't help him. There's too much light shining on DeLay right now. Even his lobbyist buddies don't have enough money to make this one go away".


Books Pulled From Retailer May Be Related
Police Investigate Arson Incident At Apple
CEO Jobs, Others Questioned Over Small Fire

As the Cupertino Fire Department doused a small blaze on the sprawling campus of Apple Computer, the police department was called in to join the state's Fire Marshall in launching an arson investigation and was seen questioning CEO Steve Jobs, and other Apple executives.

Reportedly, numerous witnesses have given statements indicating that Jobs was standing over a pile of burning books.

This comes on the heels of Apple pulling all titles from the shelves of Apple stores from publisher John Wiley & Sons over a upcoming release of an unauthorized biography of Jobs, ``iCon Steve Jobs: The Greatest Second Act in the History of Business,'' by author Jeffrey S. Young.

Included in the removal of the Macintosh-related titles, was the popular "Macs for Dummies, 8th Edition'' by New York Times columnist David Pogue. Also pulled were a series of books, including the latest, ``The Mac OS X Panther Book", by Andy Ihnatko.

Apple is currently in a legal fight, over the release of company-related news and pending product announcements, with three websites.

The Garlic first reported back on March 6th (Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent) of Apple's efforts to control news and opinion about Apple and its' products. Apple has established a hotline - iSqueal - for people to phone or email in tips as to who may be leaking, or disparaging Apple, or any Apple products. Newer iPods have the capability of detecting criticism, shutting down and giving a signal for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve lawsuits.

Numerous marketing executives have cautioned that, should Apple protest to strongly over the Young book, it could backfire and increase sales.

Apple refused comment on the arson incident, beyond stating that a small fire was discovered and the fire department was called. A brisk "no comment, was offered when asked about ``iCon Steve Jobs: The Greatest Second Act in the History of Business" book.

It had been reported that Apple, and Jobs, did secure an advance copy of the book.

Investigators from the Fire Marshall's office could be seen sifting through the still-smoldering pile and collecting evidence. At one point, it did appear that a singed and charred dustcover of a book was placed into a bag.

Wednesday 12 October 2005

Apple Announcement Today May Unveil Miers iPod

Two Colors Offered and Pre-Programmed With Unknown Songs; Possible Video iSqueal Also Talked About

After teasing reporters for weeks, Apple Computer's press conference today, at the California Theatre in San Jose, is expected to announce a new addition to the popular iPod line - a Harriet Miers edition, available in two colors and pre-programmed with unknown songs from unknown artists.

Steve Dowling, a spokesman for the Cupertino company, declined to comment.

The Miers iPod will be available in 'Supreme Court Black' or 'Government-Issue Green' and with a new power system in which the owner will need to change the battery the Frist Monday in October.

One caveat is that the owner of the Miers iPod must play all the song programmed before they can be erased or recorded over.

There is also speculation that certain features of the Miers iPod may be integrated into the Roker, the new iTunes-enabled cell phone from Apple and Motorola, with the user being able to download Supreme Court decisions. The text decisions can be saved and transferred to a hard drive or emailed to friends, with an iTunes song attached as a personal soundtrack.

The prerecorded songs from unknowns may be a nod to Apple's growing battle with the music labels.

Sources tell The Garlic that a majority of the unknown artists are from Warner Music. Warner has been at odds with Apple and its iTune program, believing the music labels should have flexibility and control over the pricing of their music.

Apple has maintained its .99 price for iTunes songs.

Another long anticipated move by Apple may be forthcoming, as there is speculation that Apple will also debut the new Video iSqueal.

As first reported by The Garlic, Apple launched iSqueal back in March, as a means to root out leaks over new Apple product announcements and dissent aimed toward Apple.

The program, allowing users to call a special iSqueal Hotline or email their information, has been hugely popular and, at times, completely overwhelming Apple's iSqueal team and operators.

"They have," says Ralph Centanni, author of "I Scream For iPod", "gotten a lot of information on the objective but they've also gotten a lot of junk as well."

Centanni says the iSqueal Hotline has become a dumping ground for "every complaint imaginable".

"You've got people reporting traffic accidents, divorce cases, people complaining about products that aren't even Apple's … It's been a very challenging program for them."

With Video iSqueal, Apple hopes to root out the nonsensical complaints, believing people will be less inclined to leave such complaints if they have to identify themselves.

"It also gives Apple the opportunity to sell more video tools and software," says Centanni.

Centanni believes the Miers iPod concept came out of the iSqueal files.

"It started with the Roberts nomination, the calls and emails to iSqueal. I think Steven Jobs saw something and, with his flair, came up with the Miers offering. Either that, or he's going after the Conservatives, an older but prosperous market. Maybe there's some kind of blockbuster deal that will follow, like having a big push of Christian Rock on iTunes … It's a market … It's out there."


Webster's Dictionary confirmed debunking a longtime adage, as proof emerged that pigs do not fly, but swim

Google Launches Lobbyist; As Usual, In Beta-Mode and By-Invite Only

May Signal Move To Broaden Google Wallet and Googlets With Expanding Empire

Google confirmed last week that the company has, in its' tradition, quietly launched a Washington Lobbyist to look out for the company's interests and "defend the Internet as a free and open platform for information, communication, and innovation."

The lobbyist, technology-law expert and Washington veteran Alan Davidson, is only operating in beta-mode at the time and Google has not made any predictions when they will unveil the lobbyist as a full running program.

Additionally, only users of Gmail and Google Talk have access to Davidson and only those users can invite friends and family into the Lobbyist program. Each user has 25 invites to offer.

As lobbyists are nothing new, Google's beta-lobbyist is said to be lacking some features and is "no way near" most of the complete and functioning lobbyists dotting the Capital, according to sources.

Google shied away from purchasing an already established lobbyist, preferring to build one from the ground, up, as with most of their programs. And it's also not clear if the lobbyist will be a independent program, or integrated into the Google Desktop Tool Bar

The need for a lobbyist comes at a time as Google expands its' empire.

There's speculation that Google is going to take on the Telecom industry. Google has already launched its' Google Printprogram and has run into trouble as publishers and the Authors Guild has filed suit over copyright infringement.

However, some insider say that it is the Google Wallet, and their new monetary system, Googlets, that may be at the heart of the lobbyist beta program.

In June, as reported by The Garlic, Google launched a pay system to rival eBay's PayPal and, took the extra step to seek having it also serve as legal tender. Googlets are wired with sensors so that a user can pull up Google Maps to research which vendors in their area accept Googlets as payment.

"It's a smart move," says Daria Pannesi, editor of 'In The Loot', the newsletter for high tech dollar traders. "If they're going to establish these 'Google Bars', or whatever they’re called, they are going to need a point person in Washington to get this pushed through."

In the beta-mode, Google's lobbyist will be located on J Street in Washington, not K Street where most of the other lobbyist firms are located. He'll have most of the tool used traditionally by lobbyists and a few extras, such as having the entire history of case law and Supreme Court decisions available for reference via his Google Desktop Search.

"He'll have all those things," says Pannesi, "plus a couple-a-few billion dollars to throw around."
"

Monday 16 May 2005

Jacko Bombshell!
Jackson Offers Embattled West To Be Mayor of Neverland

Needs Experienced Help; 4-Year Contract, Regardless of Either Trial's Outcome

There, seemingly, is never a dull moment in the trial of Michael Jackson.

Jackson, and a team of his lawyers, public relations and other staff, called a news conference yesterday in which Jackson announced he was reaching out to embattled, conservative Republican Spokane (WA) Mayor, Jim West, to take the post of being the first Mayor of Neverland.

The post would be for four-years and is open for the taking by West, regardless of the outcome of Jackson's current trial, or, potential legal actions pending against West. The position is more-or-less ceremonial and administrative and would have no legal bearing in Santa Barbara County or State of California

"We need a man of experience here at Neverland", Jackson stated softly. "As many of you know, during this unfair and most specious trial, allegations of come out that I just let children, the dear, sweet children, as well as some adults, run away crazy in Neverland. Mayor West can offer his experience and guiding hand.

West, the former sheriff's deputy and powerful Republican state senator, is currently on a leave-of-absence, following a Spokesman-Review newspaper series, starting on May 4th, detailing West's visits to gay internet chat rooms and, allegedly offering City Hall internship and various gifts to young boys.

West, 54, is also facing allegations that he had molested two boys in the 1970s when he was a sheriff's deputy and Boy Scout leader. West has denied the accusations, which he claims were made by convicted felons.

Last Thursday, Washington State Attorney General Rob McKenna indicated that the state will defer to the FBI for the initial investigation as to the accusations of West using his office to seek sexual favors from other men. West, a conservative Republican and longtime gay-rights opponent became mayor in January 2004.

West could not be reached for comment as to taking the Mayorship of Neverland. A spokesperson for the Mayor indicated he is aware of the offer and is giving it consideration.

"I hope Mayor West takes this position" Jackson stated. "It will be so much fun to have a Mayor for Neverland, I can hardly wait".


Apple Slaps Gates With Lawsuit
New iSqueal Hotline Flooded Since Friday

Apple Computer, backing up its' word on going after persons who divulge proprietary information or making defaming statements about Apple products, slapped a multi-million-dollar lawsuit on Microsoft chief Bill Gates.

This follows an avalanche of telephone calls and emails to the iSqueal Hotline Apple established, following its' court victory against three bloggers back in March (See The Garlic 10 March 2005 - Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent)

The Apple switchboard was bombarded with telephone calls to the iSqueal Hotline and the Apple website nearly crashed with the overwhelming amount of emails regarding Gates' comments disparaging Apple. Apple employees, many who worked straight through the weekend logging the complaints, scrambled to keep up with the pace of the calls and emails.

Many were rousted from bed or called in from vacations. Busloads of lawyers could be seen entering the Cupertino campus

The Associated Press, and other news outlets captured Gates in Europe last week, commenting on a range of issues, including mobile phones overtaking standalone MP3 players and that he views the raging popularity of Apple's iPod player as unsustainable.

The German daily Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung, in an interview published last Thursday quoted Gates as saying;

"I don't think the success of the iPod can continue in the long term, however good Apple may be …. I think you can draw parallels here with the computer - here, too, Apple was once extremely strong with its Macintosh and graphic user interface, like with the iPod today, and then lost its position."

Gates went further with his comments.

"We used to have a little box, with earplugs and that played random music over 50-years ago - it was called a transistor radio … Apple isn't doing anything special here … It's not iRocketScience …"

An Apple executive, who asked to remain anonymous stated that "if Gates kept his comments to the generic issues of the marketplace, we probably wouldn’t be taking action. His use of the term "iRocketScience" gets into a proprietary area and we have to respond to that"

Gates, through a Microsoft spokesperson offered a response.

"Since I haven't seen the iSuit, I will have to wait before making any iComments".

Thursday 10 March 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Bush Team Prepares Call For New Axis of Evil Member

The Garlic has learned that the Bush Administration is putting together a Request For Proposal (RFP) to sollict a new country to join the Axis of Evil. The proposal is said to be in the final stages and may be released as early as next week.

With the seemingly successful transition to freedom and democracy, Iraq will soon be de-listed from the Axis of Evil, leaving the vacany that the administration would like to see filled at the earliest. With new budgets to be drawn, and alarming, fear-inducing rhetoric to be written, the administration is uncomfortable leaving a hole of this size open for too long.

Along with Iraq, North Korea and Iran are the other two members.

One source close to talks speculated on who may join the Axis of Evil.

"There's not a lot of good candidates out there … One's that would qualify … We can rule out the Sudan, they're too busy … Russia is signaling that they may like to bring back the Cold War … Syria is making some noise but a number of committee member feel they're dragging their feet on the pullout as a way to neogiate some better terms …"

The source indicated that newly appointed Intelligence Czar John Negroponte has been dispatched to Central and South America, to meet with old contacts and gage interest on having a Latin country join the Axis.

'The administration would love to have a Spanish-speaking country in the Axis. That would open the door to tie it in with the right-wing Cubans in Florida … Maybe some back-door subsidies …"

Some of the conditions of the proposal were leaked to The Garlic. They include;

- Having a large square or central meeting place and the ability to mobilize 100,000+ citizens to it and chant anti-American slogans

- A televison network (state-run or private) that can promote your Axis of Evil qualities and rail against the United States

- Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or Nuclear Weapons.

There is a rider on having Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or the Nuclear Weapons. This new Axis of Evil member wouldn't actually have to have them, but they will need to sign on that they will say they have them.

The RFP will direct countries interested in joining the Axis to a special CIA website, where the can download the RFP in pdf format and, if they act within a certain period of time, there are some extra's they can take advantage of.

One is the State Deparment will produce a custom video or DVD for the new Axis member, of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld disparaging them as a rogue nation and laying out a possible plan of invasion, for their internal use only.

There's a second pacakge, for a large fee, that includes the video, and also, that Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice will go to the United Nations, detail their Weapons of Mass Destruction, and set a deadline, that will ignore the United Nations Security Council, for invasion.

The proposal has been approved by Britian's Tony Blair and a number of other members of the European Union, though it's unclear if the French are behind it.

"The President", offered the source, "is inclined to forgo the process and just place France in the Axis … It wouldn't take much to get him slamming Chirac …"


Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent

In winning the ruling last week that three blogs must disclose their sources on articles they published with details, in advance of its' release, about Apple's new Mini iPod, CEO Steve Jobs has mapped out an extensive campaign to squash all rumors, criticism and dissent against Apple.

Critics of the plan, some inside Apple, suggest that Jobs is modeling Apple in the image of rival Microsoft.

With tremendous cashflow coming from iTunes and iPods sales, Jobs has put an unprecidented number of lawyers on retainer - some with specific First Admendment backgrounds - and is targeting all major media, blogs, community newsletters and personal emails.

Apple will also set up a special hotline - iSqueal - for people to phone or email in tips as to who may be leaking, or disparaging Apple or any Apple products.

Changes will be coming with iTunes as well. The purchase price will remain at .99, for those willing to sign a contract that they will not badmouth Apple. Otherwise, the purchase of a tune will cost $99 and Apple will create a dossier on that purchaser and monitor there actions and communications.

Ipods will now be outfitted with special senors to detect a batch of keywords related to dissent about Apple. If any of these keywords are used, the iPod shuts down, and sends a signal - much like a Lojack - for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve the iPod owner with a lawsuit.

Editor's Note: As we filed and posted this story, The Garlic was served papers, demanding we disclose who inside Apple suggested that Apple is becoming like Microsoft.

Steve Jobs Announces "Klaatu barada nikto!", New iBuilding

I couldn't sit on the DL when I espied the news of this today;


Jobs To Cupertino: We Want A Spaceship-Shaped, 12K Capacity Building As Our New Apple Campus


 

After having a banner WWDC start yesterday, Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs humbly presented his idea for a new Apple campus at the Cupertino City Council today. Jobs wants to build one building that will hold 12,000 Apple employees on a former Hewlett-Packard property in the area between Tantau North Wolfe, Homestead and the 280 freeway.”It’s a little like a spaceship landed,” Jobs says. No kidding.


Jobs began the presentation referring to the fact that Apple is growing “like a weed,” and that its current campus at D’Anza and the 280 isn’t enough — fitting only about 2,800 people. Apple currently rents buildings to house its other 6,700 employees in the area. The new building will augment the current campus.

There's more, something about Matrix-like Curved Holographic windows and the whole place will be powered by Soylent Green.


 


And WTF was this Justin Bieber adoration?

The individual members of the Cupertino City Council seemed like they were in awe the entire time the infamously charismatic Apple CEO spoke (which isn’t surprising), asking Jobs for free Wifi and iPads for constituents as well as for an Apple store that’s actually in Cupertino and not in the Valley or Los Gatos. Jobs shyly responded to the requests, “I think we bring a lot more than free Wifi.”

Beware Cupertino, the past is prologue


Barnhardt: One thing, Mr. Klaatu: suppose this group should reject your proposals. What is the alternative? 
Klaatu: I'm afraid there is no alternative. In such a case, the planet Earth would have to be... eliminated 
Barnhardt: Such power exists? 
Klaatu: I assure you, such power exists


You can watch it here (and notice, around the 11:00 mark, when jobs holds the "largest tax payer in Cupertino" thing over their heads; And, around the 17:00 mark, Jobs pulling a Timmy-from-Twilight Zone, wishing the Kaiser Cement plant into the cornfield)


What went unannounced, sources told The Garlic, that this is the beginning of an ambitious new "iBuilding" division of Apple, and in the yet-to-be-announced future, the debut of "iBlueprint" where anyone can download designs of homes or buildings





Bonus Riffs


Steve Jobs: Apple’s plans for the New Campus at Cupertino City Council


Apple wants to build giant 'spaceship' campus in Cupertino


New iPod Phone Requires Downloading Calls


The iPhone That Knew Too Much

Retro Garlic: Apple's 'Cha-Ching" App

Retro Garlic: Apple's 'Cha-Ching" App

On SNL Saturday evening, Seth Meyers, during Weekend Update, noted that Apple released the iPad, "proving the theory that people will buy something to find out what it is."



We already riffed on the new iPad, and it's been nothing short of a tsunami of coverage since it was launched (you can go to the archives of Techmeme to catch up).

So, last Friday, another one pops up, in the NYT, from author Steven Johnson, giving Apple a "wink-wink-slap-on-the-wrists", for not playing nice in the iSandbox, with application developers, but then goes on to extol, heaping glowing hosannas, on Apple, for their "one-click-purchase", and for their genius of creating the AppStore

Rethinking a Gospel of the Web

Over the last two years, however, that story has grown far more complicated, thanks to the runaway success of the iPhone (and now iPad) developers platform — known as the App Store to consumers.

The App Store must rank among the most carefully policed software platforms in history. Every single application has to be approved by Apple before it can be offered to consumers, and all software purchases are routed through Apple’s cash register. Most of the development tools are created inside Apple, in conditions of C.I.A.-level secrecy. Next to the iPhone platform, Microsoft’s Windows platform looks like a Berkeley commune from the late 60s.

[snip]

Those of us who have championed open platforms cannot ignore these facts. It’s conceivable that, had Apple loosened the restrictions surrounding the App Store, the iPhone ecosystem would have been even more innovative, even more democratic. But I suspect that this view is too simplistic. The more complicated reality is that the closed architecture of the iPhone platform has contributed to its generativity in important ways.

The decision to route all purchases through a single payment mechanism makes great sense for Apple, which takes 30 percent of all sales, but it has also helped nurture the ecosystem by making it easier for consumers to buy small apps impulsively with one-click ordering. People don’t want to thumb-type credit card information into their phones each time they download a game to distract the kids during a long drive in the car. One-click purchase also supports lightweight, inexpensive apps, the revenue from which can support small software teams.

Consumers are also willing to experiment with new apps because they know that they have been screened for viruses, malware and other stability problems as part of the App Store’s approval process.

All hail the AppStore!



The Retro Part of this comes from, just over a week ago, our post, "iToy";

iPad isn't a computer, as much as it is an enlarged iPhone, minus the calling features, a technological piece of catnip, designed to have all the little MacKitties rub up against it, and then pull out their wallets at Apple's Citizen Kane-level domination ambitions, the AppStore.

We might have had the wrong reference there.

It's not Citizen Kane market domination Apple is after, but rather, to become the new millennium's Microsoft.

Instead of a PC on every desk, it's an iApp on every device!

And, there's only one super information highway to travel - you have go through Apple to get it.

All hail the AppStore!

All hail the AppStore!


Bonus Riffs

Paul Carr: I Admit It, The iPad Is A Kindle Killer. I Just Wish It Weren’t Going To Kill Reading Too

Michael Arrington: Just Because I Loved My Etch-A-Sketch Doesn’t Mean The iPad Will Save Newspapers

Hiawatha Bray: The iPad’s value? It’ll depend on its apps

Erick Schonfeld: Is Steve Jobs Ignoring History, Or Trying To Rewrite It?

Top Ten Cloves: Things To Look Forward To With Apple's TV

News Item:  Analysts: Apple likely to release television set within two years


10.  Vegas taking bets first prototype television will be found in bar in Redwood City


  9.  In nod to early television, instead of rabbit ears, it will have two Apple stems


  8.  Nano version of Apple Television only lets you watch three channels


  7.  Receive discount if if wearing black turtleneck when purchasing television


  6.  Extra commercials programmed in, pitching the Steve Jobs bio


  5.  Power source on television runs low; Must lug TV into Apple Store for new power sources


  4.  Any music in TV programming will be automatically loaded, and billed, to your iPod


  3.  Must purchase all your programs via Apple Apps Store


  2.  Siri will refuse to let you watch Fox News Channel


  1.  Kids finger smudges on television screen will drive you crazy


 


Bonus Riffs


Dan Frommer: Here’s how Apple could finally put the “TV” in Apple TV


Slash Lane: NYT: Apple expected to release Siri-powered television by 2013


Adam Satariano: Apple TV Project Is Said to Be Led By ITunes Creator Robbin


Steve Jobs Announces "Klaatu barada nikto!", New iBuilding


Apple, Belatedly, Launches New iLocater


iToy

Apple Settles With Cisco!; Rolling Dice With New iBeckham Phone

Jobs Promises Aging Soccer Star Can Store "Billions of Photos" of Himself; New "Posh" Command Added

Sources have told The Garlic that Apple, Inc has settled its' iPhone dispute with Cisco Systems and CEO Steve Jobs will immediately announce the introduction of a new device, the iBeckham.

The "Beckham" in the name is that of soccer superstar David Beckham, who gained fame with Manchester United and Real Madrid, and recently signed to play with the Los Angeles Galaxy of the Major League Soccer here in the United States.

The two companies have been in deep negotiations, after Cisco sued Apple for copyright infringement on the name "iPhone". Cisco had acquired the rights to "iPhone" back in 2000, after purchasing the company InfoGear, who had acquired the copyright in 1996.

Jobs then angered Cisco last month, when announcing at MacWorld, the debut of Apple's "iPhone".

"The iPod changed everything in 2001. We're going to do it again with the iPhone in 2007, said Jobs"

Same Phone, New "Posh"

The iBeckham phone is, essentially, the same device as the iPhone Jobs displayed last month, with an OS X operating system, multi-touch keypad, camera and wireless-ready.

Sources say that Jobs is touting the iBeckham can store billions of photos of the aging soccer superstar, including still shots and video.

"You can TIVO a game he's in, and then download to the iBeckham and watch it as you will," said another source, who has had the iBeckham for nearly a week.

And there is one new feature, the "Posh" button.

Jobs added the Posh button in honor of the soccer stars' wife, Victoria, the former Posh Spice of the Spice Girls.

The Posh button will allow the iBeckham user to, with one touch, download all of the Spice Girls music from iTunes.

More Legal Troubles Ahead?

However, more legal trouble could lay ahead for Jobs and Apple, according to Daria Pannesi, editor of 'In The Loot', the newsletter for high tech dollar traders.

"As best as we can tell, says Pannesi, "Jobs doesn't have a deal with Beckham. There's no agreement, no contract."

"He [Jobs] may," added Pannesi, "have to backtrack and throw another name on it - again, if he wants to get the market behind him. They can't afford to be tied up in litigation any longer or the market passes them by."

iBeckham To Be A Franchise For Apple

Sources say that Jobs is aware of the legalities, and has laid out an aggressive plan that will make the iBeckham a major franchise for Apple, and win over the real life Beckham.

Apple, according to the Jobs' plan, will fund a new movie sequel, 'Bend It Like The iBeckham; The Curse of the Black Pearls In Dead Man's Chest At World's End', which will pick up from both the original Beckham film and serve as the 4th installment of Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

The storyline picks up from the original ''Bend It Like Beckham' has the decedents of Kiera Knightly and Johnny Depp attending the same U.S. college as Jess, played by Parminder Nagra, who aids the pair with finding a key piece of lost treasure that will save the world, using only her new iBeckham phone. Knightly will play duel roles, as Elizabeth Swann and Jules Paxton, with a special appearance by Martin Sheen, as Bobby Kennedy.

Those plans are already in motion, while Jobs lays the groundwork for a second-generation release iBeckham, tentatively named iBobby and shoot a sequel of the 2006 film 'Bobby', in which the iBobby phone will play a key role in solving a conspiracy.

"It's the ultimate product placement," Jobs is heard to have said.

The iBeckham will get screen credit and Apple will support a campaign for Best Supporting Actor for the iBeckham when the time comes.

"We want to make history with it," Jobs gushed.

'Bend It Like The iBeckham; The Curse of the Black Pearls In Dead Man's Chest At World's End' will be available, according to Jobs, "within in days" for downloading to the iBeckham, after the theatre release.

And like all Apple products now released, the iBeckham will be equipped with the iSqueal, the feature a user can employ to immediately report to Apple any disparaging remarks aimed at the company.

Will Jobs score a goal with the new iBeckham?

Apple, Belatedly, Launches New iLocater

Apple Computer, today, hastily threw together a combination news conference and product launch on their now-leaked new iLocater product.


In an empty Moscone Center, CEO Steve Jobs sought to stem the criticism of the iLocater, touting it is "one of the best things Apple has ever done."


Jobs also announced that the iLocater is the long-delayed companion piece to the 2005 "iSquel Hotline" and how seamlessly the two programs work together.


"It's all just one mouse click," touted Jobs.


Apple has come under a firestorm, after the iLocater was leaked in the media last week.

Two researchers announced Wednesday that they had discovered a file stored on those devices that records where they have been, and when. The data in the file, which is found on all devices running Apple's iOS operating system and on computers to which those iOS devices are synced, could be used to plot users' movements.


The file is unencrypted and collects the location data without users' knowledge or consent, said Peter Warden and Alasdair Allan, who presented their findings at the Where 2.0 conference in Santa Clara.


"I love Apple. I worked there for five years," said Warden. "I was just pretty sad when I discovered."

Jobs hinted that an unannounced camera may be added to future iLocater programs, capturing an image of the user, to go along with their location.





Bonus Riffs


Juan Cole: Apple Tracking likely a “Bug” or Oversight


John Gruber: Andy Ihnatko on iOS 4’s Location-Tracking Log - Best piece I’ve seen on the “consolidated.db” location-tracking log


Christina Warren: Steve Jobs Responds to iOS Location-Tracking Controversy


 


Bonus Bonus Riffs


Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent


New iPod Phone Requires Downloading Calls


Retro Garlic: Apple's 'Cha-Ching" App


The iPhone That Knew Too Much