Friday 1 July 2005

DC Holiday Fireworks To Feature Bolton

Park Service Officials Livid At New Novak Leak

A new bombshell hit the nation's capital today, as Columnist Robert Novak has leaked in his column that Ambassador nominee John Bolton will be the feature in the Washington DC Fireworks program on Monday Evening.

U.S. Park Officials, who organize the July 4th celebration and fireworks on the National Mall are livid. The Bolton display was a tightly-guarded secret.

"Apparently, Mr. Novak feels emboldened now that others are going to jail for him", said one Park Official.

The allusion was to the recent Supreme Court ruling, deciding not to hear the case of reporters Judith Miller and Matthew Cooper, who are being forced to reveal their confidential sources in the Valerie Plame case, or face contempt of court charges and jail time.

The July 4th celebration in Washington is a day-long happening, beginning with parade along Constitution Avenue and ending with one of America's largest fireworks displays over the reflecting pool on the National Mall. The National Symphony Orchestra performs and the event is broadcast nationwide over PBS.

With the heated and contentious debate over Bolton's nomination to the United Nations, Park Service officials thought it would add a extra level of excitement to set off Bolton during the program.

On Sunday, Bolton will be taken out and set-up along with all the other fireworks. He is expected to exploded just before the grand finale.

A back-up plan is in place in the event that Bolton isn't angry enough.

A special videotape has been prepared, featuring a montage of congressman and senators who have lambasted the diplomat. Park Service official acknowledge that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist came up with the video idea.

"He's all pent up and ready to burst" said a Park Service spokesperson. "I don't think we'll need to use the video.


GoldenPalace.Com Rumored To Win Lunch With Buffet for $351G's

Funds Go To Charity; Extra's Included Oracle of Omaha Being Tattooed With Casino Logo

Reports coming out of Omaha, Nebraska are indicting that GoldenPalace.Com, the Canadian on-line casino known for its famous publicity gimmicks, has placed the winning bid for a lunch date with the legendary billionaire investment wizard, Warren Buffet.

The winning bid, of over $350,000, goes to charity, the San Francisco-based Glide Foundation.

GoldenPalace.Com renowned for its publicity stunts, a campaign to bypass restrictions on gambling advertising, that includes paying boxers to wear the casino's name in the ring, paying over $75,000 for the McDonald's commercial prop - a french fry that looked like Abraham Lincoln and nearly $30,000 for a grilled cheese sandwich that was auctioned on eBay

Some extra benefits that go with the winning bid is that GoldenPalace.Com gets to bring up to seven additional people to the lunch. Additionally, Buffet will have his forehead tattooed with "GoldenPalace.Com" and must keep it for at least one-year, wearing to board meetings and his annual shareholder gathering. A photo of Buffet with the tattoo must appear in Buffet's infamous, folksy annual Chairman letter.

The casino also gets to post an image of Buffet, welcoming gamblers, on its' website.

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Will Ruin Your Summer Vacation

10. You get a subpoena - Saddam Hussein is calling you as a witness in his upcoming trial

9. Having your giant Snapple popsicle melt on you and flood the street with sticky goo

8. Howard Dean starts telling people that you've never earned an honest days' living in your life

7. The Supreme Court makes you reveal your confidential sources

6. In a press conference, Karl Rove mentions you, by name, as someone needing therapy

5. Since you stopped using steroids, harder to flip burgers on the grill

4. Can't get confirmed to be the United Nations Ambassador

3. The Denver Three charge that you wouldn't let them use your swimming pool

2. It's leaked that CPB's Kenneth Tomlinson has someone monitoring you

1. Your bride-to-be runs away and you're the only one looking for her; No media coverage, no book deals

Thursday 30 June 2005

Army Recruiting Up; Now Eyes Increase In Applause

White House To Investigate Low Clapping During Ft. Bragg Terror Speech

As the U.S. Army announced, yesterday, that they met their recruiting goals for the month of June, the White House dispatched Chief of Staff Andy Card and others to Fort Bragg, to begin an investigation on the sparse amount of applause during the President's speech there Tuesday evening.

Insiders say that after the recruiting woes, the Army has a "significant" applause problem.

Gen. Richard B. Myers, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, though not confirming the applause problem, did hint that it was a concern of the top military officials.

"Military personnel receive a proper amount of training in applause and there are periodic reviews in place to insure they maintain their applause skills".

The White House, in choosing Fort Bragg for the location of the speech, were confident beforehand that the President would receive a "wild ovation" upon taking the stage, and anticipated that his speech would be interrupted many times with applause and gruff shouts of "Hoo-ah".

None of that occurred.

It was 25-minutes into the 28-minute speech, when the President offered the line, "We will stay in the fight until the fight is done" that applause first broke out. Troubling to both the White and the military commanders is that the applause appeared to be led by a White House staffer who was involved in organizing the logistics of the speech.

Some Republicans moved quickly to respond to what appears to be a significant embarrassment. There's calls for a panel to investigate the applause issue, something the military and the White House want to avoid

Card and the White House will look into the rumors that military commanders at Fort Bragg ordered the soldiers not to applaud. They say that there are reports that "some of these commanders are from Blue states" and that they set out "to embarrass the President".

White House Strategist Karl Rove stated that "these commanders may need some therapy"

House and Senate Democrats are seizing the applause issue to hammer away at the Administrations lack of preparedness in launching the war in Iraq.

"It shows, over-and-over, that they have gone into this war on the cheap", stated Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). "It shows that they didn't anticipate the need for applause".

"What we need is a policy to get it right", said Senator John Kerry (D-MA), Mr. Bush's opponent in the 2004 election

The issue is causing a strain at the White House. At a press briefing yesterday, White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan blamed the media for the problem.

"With all the major television and cable networks covering the speech, they could have added an applause track to the broadcast".

Later in the day, McClellan backtracked from that statement, issuing a new statement that the White House, and the military, "have never used, nor do we endorse, the use of applause tracks".

"The President is more than capable of generating applause when he needs it. He's an applause champion".

Top Ten Cloves: Ways The Army Met Recruiting Goals For First Time Since January

10. Army recruiters able to wear their softer, summer wardrobe

9. All get a roster spot on the Washington Nationals upon completion of their tour of duty

8. Change of rules that will allow large dice and bobble-head dogs on Humvee dashboards

7. Two Words - Free Tattoos

6. Bicycles - Just like the one the President rides

5. New recruits get to use Dick Cheney's secret bunker for one weekend, per-year

4. Took potential recruits to Gitmo, for lunch, and told them all Army lunches are as good

3. For those high-strung recruits, promise of easy duty - Sentry post on Airport Road in Baghdad

2. The Bonus Pool is now in the millions for whoever finds those Weapons of Mass Destruction

1. No worries, insurgence in final throes … Told'em they'll be home for Christmas

Wednesday 29 June 2005

Bush Clarifies Iraq Mission

New Contract Issued To Halliburton To Measure Elusive Progress

Speaking before a crowd of uniformed troops, and a national-television audience, at Fort Bragg, N.C., President Bush rebuffed his critics by stating that "our mission in Iraq is clear".

The President, in making it clear, reinforced to the audience the ties between the war in Iraq and September 11th. He went on to say that "We're hunting down the terrorists … we're helping Iraqis build a free nation … we're advancing freedom in the broader Middle East"

"In the past year, we have made significant progress … Our progress has been uneven, but progress is being made".

In the past few weeks, the President has been on the fast-track of dropping polls and persistently bad news from the documentation that he has mislead the nation into war, to the mixed messages from his Vice President and other cabinet members as to having the proper number of troops to fight the war and just how many years the U.S. will be required to maintain its occupation of Iraq.

In fact, there was debate among the President's staff as to giving this speech last night. Right up to a few minutes before he took the stage, the President's daily schedule still had "bicycle ride" penned in for 8:00PM.

The President would have none of it. Reportedly, he told Karl Rove that he had to tell the people that "my greatest responsibility as president is to protect the American people".

Mr. Bush went on to outline an ambitious new program that will, if not end the violence and fighting, give him a greater handle on how to spin what people are seeing, nightly, via television reports from Iraq.

The President indicated that, on top of the $7-Billion contract for rebuilding Iraq, Halliburton will be issued a new contract to measure the progress and freedom taking place in Iraq.

"We continued our efforts to help them rebuild their country. Rebuilding a country after three decades of tyranny is hard, and rebuilding while at war is even harder. We are improving roads and schools and health clinics. We're working to improve basic services like sanitation, electricity and water.

"But getting the measurements of our progress, complete with those colorful graphs, will be even harder. They've [Halliburton] got the tools, and the will, to carry out this mission".

After the speech, both Halliburton and the White refused comment on the new 'Progress' contract.

"If we will help the new Iraqi government deliver a better life for its citizens", said Rove, "than the President's poll numbers will go through the roof. He can ride his bicycle off into the history books".

Confusion, Disappointment Follows Graham Crusade

Many Mistook Revival For Justice Sunday Event; Wanted Rhetoric, Not Redemption

For many of the 240,000 who flocked to Flushing Meadows-Corona Park in Queens, the former World's Fair site, to be part of the Greater New York Billy Graham Crusade, this past weekend, it was not what they had come to see.

In what could be the last revival meeting of the legendary Southern Baptist minister, thousands showed up expecting a "Northern" version of a Justice Sunday program, and were not looking for preaching or to be baptized. They wanted to hear heated rhetoric and more of the great Conservative movement's plans to take over the judiciary.

At various times during the three-day crusade, far removed from Graham's 1957 New York Crusade, when he drew nearly 3-million people to Madison Square Garden over 16-weeks, rumors circulated in the crowd that a certain conservative had shown up and would be speaking soon.

"I wanted to see Bill Frist or Tony Perkins" offered a young woman who traveled from Western Pennsylvania for the event.

Others expected to hear Graham offer his thoughts on the late Terri Schiavo, and rain down fire-and-brimstone on the judges and courts involved in her long case.

'Those people will not see the promised land", a young man from New Jersey declared

Graham, who is 86 and has Parkinson's disease, used a walker to get on stage and needed the assistance of his son. Though clear, his voice was weaker than in past years, and he stood during most of his 30-minute sermons each day but sat through the altar call. His pulpit was equipped with a movable seat.

Even though, from the shadow of the Unisphere, Graham preached on the great flood from the book of Genesis, it wasn't enough to satisfy those who came expecting to put the U.S. Justice system on trial.

Officials for the Greater New York Billy Graham Crusade acknowledged after the event that they may have disappointed some of those who came for Justice Sunday. Slightly less than 10,000 of the crowd committed their lives to Christ during the three-days, which officials said was "off-target".

"Typically, we do about 25-to-30% who accept the Reverend's invitation to come forward".

"Perhaps, for the next crusade, we'll see if Reverend Graham is up for bashing some judges".

News In Brief 29 June 2005

Aruban Case Expanding To Europe
Anyone Named van der Sloot Being Rounded-Up

The case of missing Alabama teenager, Natalee Holloway is expanding, from Aruba, to Europe, sources close to the investigation are reporting.

Authorities in Holland have begun a round-up of anyone in the country named "van der Sloot" and holding them for questioning in relation to the Holloway case.

This latest action comes after this weekend's release of two suspects - party boat DJ Steven Gregory Croes and Paul van der Sloot, father of the main suspect, Joran van der Sloot.

The 17-year-old van der Sloot, and his two friends, brothers Satish and Depak Kalpoe, remain in custody, as they are confirmed as the last persons to see or be with the Holloway girl.

Holloway, from the Birmingham suburb of Mountain Brook, has not been seen since May 30th. She was visiting the Caribbean island off Venezuela with about 100 classmates and parent chaperones to celebrate graduation from high school.

"It's pretty crazy" offered one Aruban Justice official. "They're pulling in everyone over in Holland. Anything to get some new leads for the case"

Holland officials refused to confirm or deny the arrests

Top Ten Cloves: How Iraqis Celebrated Year Anniversary of Sovereignty

10. Gathered by the stockade and taunted Sadam Hussein

9. Made party hats from recycled 'Stars & Stripes' newspapers

8. Tried to go to Disneyland but booked up solid by Southern Baptists

7. Drew straws to see who would make the run to the liquor store on Airport Road

6. Bartered with Halliburton to see if they could get one of their cakes for less than $300

5. Started an on-line petition to have Robert Novak jailed, along with Judith Miller and Matthew Cooper

4. Unveiled the new statue in downtown Baghdad of their liberator - L. Paul Bremer III

3. Glued sparkles to their prayer mats

2. Had Paris Hilton pop out of a giant cake to sing to Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari but it scared the bejeezes out of him

1. Watched President Bush's speech to see if they could figure out what the plan is

Tuesday 28 June 2005

Supreme Court In Disarray; Confuses Two Rulings

Demand Reporters Provide Source of Ten Commandments

Perhaps as a sign that the health of ailing Chief Justice William Rehnquist is more serious than disclosed, the Supreme Court yesterday -their last day of the current session - confused two cases and announced that two news reporters must divulge the source of the Ten Commandments.

Court onlookers were stunned when the decision was read.

The case in front of the court was an appeal filed by Time Magazine's Matthew Copper and The New York Times' Judith Miller, seeking to overturn a lower courts ruling that the two reporters reveal their confidential sources as to their investigation into who divulged the name of CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

Earlier, the court had issued split decisions in two cases involving the display of the Ten Commandments on government property.

Columnist Robert Novak had previous to Cooper or Miller, published the name of Plame, who Novak said was supplied to him by "two senior administration officials". The unusual leaking of an active, undercover CIA agent was looked as a political payback.
Plame's husband, the former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, had been critical of the Bush Administration and their plans to invade Iraq.

Cooper reported on Plame, while Miller gathered material for an article about the intelligence officer but never wrote a story. Both were held in contempt for refusing to reveal their sources and both face up to 18-months in jail, or until the grand jury completes is inquiry, whichever comes sooner.

So now, with this new ruling from the Supreme Court, the federal judge and prosecutor in the case, not only have to get the reporters to offer their sources of the Plame story, but also must have them identify the source of the Ten Commandments.

"I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing" offered Miller. "I suppose I can offer them the DVD of the DeMille movie".

"I think Time has some back issues that deal very directly with the Ten Commandments", said Cooper. "There's articles upon articles, written by scholars, that should satisfy the court".

Special Prosecutor in the case, Patrick J. Fitzgerald, refused comment, saying he hadn't read the opinions yet.

Legal analysts say they don't know what will happen next.

"With the decision read into the record, that is the law of the ruling", offered Floyd Abrams, Ms. Miller's attorney. "They're going to need a case, coming all the way up from the lower courts in order to overturn and correct this decision. That's going to take years".

One longtime clerk at the Supreme Court had a more simple solution.

'They're going to need the Lord's help in figuring this one out"

Washington Round-Up

Bush Undecided On Speech Wardrobe

Aides Suggest Fatigues Over Flight Suit As Means To Show Determination

A storm is raging inside the White House, as aides argue and debate the attire for President Bush, when he addresses the nation this evening about the war in Iraq.

Mr. Bush will speak to the nation at 8 p.m. from Fort Bragg, N.C., before an audience of hundreds of troops. Tuesday is the first anniversary of the formal transfer of sovereignty to the Iraqis after the American-led invasion.

About half the staff is encouraging the President to wear the same flight suit he wore on the aircraft carrier, the USS Abraham Lincoln and declared "Mission Accomplished" back in May 2003.

The other half is suggesting, as a sign of commitment and "standing with the men" the President wear the traditional green fatigues. That for where the war in Iraq is at the moment, the show of solidarity with the men in the arena will "echo across the world".

Bush faces nagging polls showing more-and-more Americans doubting that the situation in Iraq is improving, The President will emphasize in his address that there is a "clear path to victory" and urge Americans to maintain their resolve.

In a related move, Bush signed a Presidential order forbidding, should it come before the mission is accomplished, and the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, that helicopter evacuations from rooftops in Iraq of any military, press or Iraqi citizens.


Gonzales Unwraps Justice Statues With Fanfare

'When Eagles Soar' Played During Unveiling; New AG Orders Fully Nude Works

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, last Friday, removed the large blue drapes hanging over the ''Spirit of Justice" and the ''Majesty of Justice", the two Art Deco, semi-nude aluminum statues in the Justice Department's Great Hall, with great fanfare.

Perhaps as a dig to his predecessor, former Attorney General John Ashcroft, Gonzales had Ashcroft's song, "When Eagles Soar" playing during the unveiling.

Ashcroft, in his family-values crusade against pornography, had curtains installed in January 2002, to cover the statues.

Gonzales also took it a step further, in speaking at the ceremony, indicated he's commissioned two new, fully-nude statues for the Great Hall.


Rumsfeld Confirms Insurgent Talks and Long Haul

Details Sketchy But "Not Negotiating With Terrorists"

Both on Sunday, on Fox News Live, and at a press conference yesterday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld confirmed that talks are "on-going" with the insurgents attacking U.S. and Coalition forces.

"I can't tell you who exactly is talking to who" clipped Rumsfeld. "These people don't exactly have business cards."

When pressed further, Rumsfeld denied that the United States was "negotiating with terrorists".

"My goodness, that would never happen. For all I know, it's a-guy-who-knows-a-guy-who-knows-a-guy-who-knows-a-guy kind of thing".

Rumsfeld also stated that "the insurgency will be put down by the Iraqi people over time".

"It won't be won by the coalition forces. Insurgencies tend to go on 5, 6, 8, 10, 12 years."

Rumsfeld than admitted that he is placing his bets in Las Vegas on 8-years of more insurgence.

"It's my lucky number", beamed Rumsfeld.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Dick Cheney Thinks Is In Its' Last Throes

10. The Reverend Billy Graham - Jeez, he's looking about as old as the Ten Commandments

9. New York Mets - Happens every year

8. NPR and PBS, thanks to the work of Ken Tomlinson

7. That no good, &%#@&! John Dean!

6. Anymore Downing Street Memo's - You can bet on it

5. Those carefree days of a handsome Vice President with his own secret bunker

4. Halliburton - If anyone gets really serious about looking into that missing reconstruction money

3. The U.S. Department of Education - Never liked it, never will

2. MoveOn.Org - After Karl Rove gets through with them

1. That no good, &%#@&! Howard Dean!

Monday 27 June 2005

Bush Presses Iraqi Leader On Statehood

Not Giving Up But Action Needed If Iraq To Become 51st State

President Bush promised the Iraqi prime minister last Friday that he was "not giving up on the mission" of making Iraq the 51st State (See The Garlic, Tuesday 10 April; Bush Moves On Making Iraq 51st State; Wednesday 27 April 2005; Bush Plan For Iraq Statehood In Jeopardy) but needs action for Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari on moving the internal political process forward to achieve that goal.

Meeting at the White House, the first visit by a new leader from a free and democratic Iraq, the President chided al-Jaafari for not having the Iraq constitution in place. Back in April, Bush advised the Iraqis that the United States had already put together the Enabling Act, which would bestow statehood to Iraq, but that they need a full-functioning government in order to have Vice-President Dick Cheney submitted the legislation.

Cheney is eager for Iraqi to become the 51st State, believing that the congressmen elected from Iraq to serve will be conservative Republicans, adding to the majority and thereby enabling the President's agenda

The recent difficulties the Bush Administrations had incurred in Congress - Judicial filibusters, and the blocking of John Bolton as Ambassador to the United Nations, as well as a stalled domestic agenda - namely the President's Social Security reform - heighten the need for the Iraqis to act quickly.

A person inside the administration worried that "if we don't get this done before the July 4th break, we might not be able to save it later - especially if any Supreme Court resignations come down".

al-Jaafari seemed to be backing away from statehood, when, in clipped English, he called on Bush to "redo the Marshall Plan", referring to American rebuilding of Europe after World War II, and he suggested that the President call it "the Bush Plan, to help Iraq, to help the Iraqi people."

"If he backs away now" said the administration source, "there'll be hell to pay. We're talking a complete pullout by Christmas and Cheney calls out the Halliburton dogs. They'll be lucky if they can remember what water or electricity is … They'll make Afghanistan look like Club-Med".


Major Cities Waste No Time In Taking Court Ruling To Action

Acres Seized In Land Grab, Some Say Biggest Since West Was Settled In 1800's

No sooner had the ink dried on the Supreme Court's decision allowing municipalities to seize land by eminent domain, largely for projects involving private developers that were part of an "economic development" plan, acres of property were seized.

Major cities across the country had teams of lawyers serving home and small business owners over the weekend, seizing their property under the new ruling.

Reports from New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Houston, New Orleans, Denver, Miami, Kansas City, Minneapolis and more, say convoys of black SUV's rolled into neighborhoods, serving papers and posting signs, condemning properties.

In an unprecedented case, the State of Ohio served Cleveland Mayor Jane L. Campbell, seizing the entire city under the guise of having a new, "economic development" plan for the "mistake by the lake" as Cleveland is derisively referred to.

Reports are that the White House endorsed the mass serving of eminent domain notices as means of kick-starting President Bush's new initiative, 'The Clean City Act'.

Last Thursday, the Supreme Court, by a 5-4 decision, voted in favor of the City of New London, Conn., who had condemned 15 homes under the eminent domain law, as a means of putting forward a "economic development" on behalf of private developers.

In hailing the decision, White House Spokesman, Scott McClellan said "The President firmly believes that government has the right to develop their economic development programs, without hindrance".


The public-interest law firm, the Institute for Justice, who represented the 15 New London homeowners, were stunned by the action over the weekend.

"The Court's decision is less then a victory", offered an Institute spokesperson. "It basically was putting back into the state court, where we will continue the fight".

McClellan, at a press briefing yesterday noted the mass eminent domain takeovers.

"We're pleased to see so many people embracing the President's 'Clean City Act"

Asked if the President was worried about a lower court overturning the Supreme Court's decision, in individual cases, McClellan said, confidently;

"We have other means in which to advance this program. I believe there are provisions in the Patriot Act that allows for property seizure".


Katie Holmes Career In Jeopardy
First Sciencetology, Now Must Study Psychiatry

Sources in Hollywood report that actress Katie Holmes, recently engaged to actor Tom Cruise, is "on the verge of nervous breakdown", not from the inordinate media chasing the couple, but a constant schedule of studying issues so she can converse with her husband-to-be.

"The poor girl is a nervous wreck", offered an agent close to the couple.

"She's afraid to speak in Tom's presence … He challenges every single thing, and then belittles her for not being informed"

This side of Cruise surfaced last Friday, during an interview with Matt Lauer on the 'Today' program.

When Lauer referenced Cruise's criticism of actress Brooke Shield's use of anti-depressants, Cruise lashed out at Lauer, telling him that he didn't know what he was talking about and "''You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do".

The interview escalated to heated exchanges when Lauer defended people he knew that were helped by attention-deficit disorder drug Ritalin.

''Matt, Matt, you don't even -- you're glib,'' Cruise responded. ''You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK. That's what I've done.''

Holmes was overheard saying after the interview "God, I'm still working on the Sciencetology stuff, now I have to study drugs and psychiatry?"

A person in the office of Holmes's agent did confirm that "Katie is now well-versed in baseball, the Pottsdam Conference, Yo-Yo-Ma's body of work, metallurgy, the 1963 Philadelphia Eagles and the history of the microwave oven".

When reached later, Cruise offered a terse "no comment".

After walking a few steps, Cruise turned back to the media and berated the small gathering, chiding them for not know enough about comments, and that they should study the research papers, like he did, on comments. How, after that, "maybe we can hold a conversation - you know what a conversation is, don't you?"

Top Ten Cloves: Other Places and Events The Denver Three Are Barred From Entering

10. The G8 Summit - Bono doesn't want anyone else getting any PR

9. Any Star Trek Convention

8. Aruba - Island already maxed out with media

7. Fenway Park - Red Sox don't want to take any chances on any new curses

6. Disneyland - Southern Baptists voted new resolution specifically against them

5. The O'Reilly Factor - Well, just the guy is barred; The two woman can come on, but only if they bring a loofa

4. Downing Street - God, the Brits would have to do, yet another, memo on the visit

3. Corporation for Public Broadcasting - They, definitely, are on Ken Tomlinson's "L" list

2. White House Press Room - Scott McClellan and Karl Rove believe that they need therapy

1. Any Tom Cruise Interview - Undoubtedly, they didn't read the research papers and they don't know the subject like Cruise knows it

Friday 24 June 2005

High Court Approves Bush's 'Clean City Act'

5-4 Decision Paves Way for Govt. Cherry-Picking Eminent Domain Properties

After weeks of negative press and losing battles, President Bush received a boost yesterday, when the Supreme Court ruled in favor of a municipality taking a neighborhood by eminent domain, largely for projects by private developers.

For the President, it was a vindication and endorsement of his quietly-pushed agenda item, his 'Clean City Act'.

In the closely watched case, the City of New London, Conn., by a 5-4- decision, won the right to move forward with its "economic development" plans, by taking 15 homes in the fading Fort Trumbull neighborhood for private developers to build and lease a "riverwalk" along the Thames River, consisting of office space for research and development, a conference hotel, new residences and the pedestrian "riverwalk.

New London condemned the properties in November 2000, the homeowners then sued in state court, and the case ending with the Connecticut Supreme Court upholding the use of eminent domain in a ruling last year.

President Bush, caught up in the fight to get his judicial nominations, as well as pushing his plan for Social Security reform, quietly plugged away at getting the Clean City Act through the courts. The Congress is expected to pass the bill easily, now that the Supreme Court has ruled in its' favor.

"The President firmly believes", offered White House Spokesman, Scott McClellan, 'that government has the right to develop their economic development programs, without hindrance".

Hindrance, in this case, came from 15 homeowners in Fort Trumbull neighborhood, who were represented by a public-interest law firm, the Institute for Justice. Lawyers for the Institute cited eminent domain abuse, and argued that taking property, for private economic development, even if such development enhanced the tax base for the municipality, could never be considered "public use".

The Supreme Court, the majority led by Justice John Paul Stevens, broadly defined "public purpose".

Writing for the minority opinion, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor disagreed, and cited that "under the banner of economic development, all private property is now vulnerable to being taken and transferred to another private owner, so long as it might be upgraded."

"Every trip the President takes to Crawford (Texas)", McClellan continued, "that, along with his bicycle riding, he clears acres-and acres of brush, all with the eye of developing and increasing the value of the property. He believes he knows best on what to do with that property and the President is confident that New London, and other cities, also know best what to do with their properties."

When asked if the President has plans to combine his Clear Skies Act and the new Clean City Act, McClellan stated that "the President always looks at all the options and the best way to undertake those options to maximize them for the best possible results".


Frist Distances Himself From Gitmo MD's

Ethical Issues Reveled; Frist Says He's Never Made Exam or Viewed Tape

Senator Bill Frist quickly distanced himself from a study conducted by the Pentagon, and mental health professionals, looking into the ethical issues surrounding the treatment of prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay Prison Camp in Cuba.

The study shows that military doctors aided interrogators in increasing psychological duress on detainees, and exploiting their fears.

In an article published by The New England Journal of Medicine this week, the authors said their interviews with doctors who helped devise and supervise the interrogation regimen at Guantánamo showed that the program was explicitly designed to increase fear and distress among detainees as a means to obtaining intelligence.

The Pentagon, officially declined comment of the report, but various Pentagon officials that the practices violated no ethics guidelines, and they disputed the conclusions of the medical journal's article.

Frist immediately upon hearing of the report, declared that he has not made "one diagnosis of a Gitmo prisoner"

"I haven't seen any detainee, nor have I reviewed any videotape of the detainees. I haven't stood on the floor of the U.S. Senate and offered any medical advice or opinions on any detainee in Guantanamo, or any other section of Cuba."

Guidelines include prohibitions against doctors' participating in abusive treatment, but they all make an exception for "lawful" interrogations.

The article also charges that non-medical personnel reviewed the medical records of detainees and that doctors usually observed interrogations from behind a one-way mirror, or, at times, were also in the room with the detainee and interrogator.

"I can say for the record", Frist added, "that I have never made a diagnosis from a one-way mirror. I would say that any detainee should be seen and diagnosed by a competent physician, who can make a complete and thorough examination, face-to-face and not from behind a sheet of glass".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Different Philosophies, According to White House PR Man Scott McClellan, That Karl Rove Has

10. All liberals and Democrats suck

9. That the Los Angeles Times needs therapy for that Wikitorial thing they tried running

8. Times Square was more fun before Rudy Gulliani cleaned it up

7. Michael Moore, in particular, sucks

6. Absolutely nothing wrong with being in the White House Steam Room at the same time Jeff Gannon was

5. It's a perfect, legitimate act to suppress voting in Presidential elections

4. Certainly appropriate to have White House PR Person make excuses for idiotic statements by White House Strategists

3. Children, today, would be better off switching from PBS, to the Fox News Network if they want to learn more

2. Rather satisfying to leak and uncover CIA operatives who are the spouse of one of your political enemies

1. You place the former company of the Vice President in charge of rebuilding the country you're tearing apart with a war

Thursday 23 June 2005

Al Qaeda, OSHA Clash Over Workplace Safety

With Iraq As Training Facility, Safety Agency Wants Compliance

Citing complete defiance to rules, including the posting of federally-mandated signs, proper training programs, insurance, outreach, and education, along with the disregard for the safety and health of its employees, the Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) is seeking huge fines against the terror group, Al Qaeda, for their new training facility of the country of Iraq.

With the U.S. Military occupying Iraq, OSHA contends that Al Qaeda must adhere to the standards and practices of workplace safety as outlined and enforced by OSHA.

A recent CIA report states that Iraq was become a training ground for Al Qaeda and other Islamic extremists, so much so that it's
"even more an effective training ground than Afghanistan was".

Jonathan L. Snare, Acting Assistant Secretary of OSHA, said he was "appalled" at the conditions in Iraq.

"They have untrained personnel working with firearms, explosives and other dangerous tools and devices and there is no evidence that these employees have had any level of professional training".

OSHA, since its inception in 1971, has helped to cut workplace fatalities by more than 60 percent and occupational injury and illness rates by 40 percent.

Al Qaeda has not responded to OSHA's request for records and documentation of its training program, the qualifications of its instructors, managers and councilors, or a copy of their employee manual.

"We need to have complete compliance", stated Snare. "If we don't get it, we may have to take the drastic step - one we don't like to take - and shut the operation down".



Disney Parks Overrun As Southern Baptists End Boycott

Gates Locked On Mob By 11AM; Nagging Children Key To Breaking Stalemate

Walt Disney World, in Orlando, Florida, and Disneyland in Southern California were overrun by Southern Baptists, who for the past eight-years have boycotted the theme park over their belief the Walt Disney Co. violated "moral righteousness and traditional family values".

Park officials were forced to shut down the box office and lock the main gates to the park by 11:00AM, in Orlando and by 12-Noon in Anaheim, turning away tens-of-thousands. The small avenues and walkways inside the parks were packed and teeming with people. There were unconfirmed reports that the parks' food vendors shut down by mid-afternoon, having run out of food to serve.

Hotels and motels, virtually throughout the entire state of Florida were booked to capacity. The other theme parks in the Orlando area, such as Disney's Epcot Center, SeaWorld, Discovery Cove, Universal Orlando and Wet 'n Wild filled with the overflow crowds.

In Southern California, crowds turned away from Disneyland flocked to Knott's Theme Park, San Diego Zoo, Universal Studios Hollywood, Six Flags Magic Mountain, and others. Hotels and motels, from San Diego all the way up to Santa Barbara, over 135-miles, were booked solid.

All non-Disney parks set one day attendance and revenue records.

It was back at the Southern Baptist Convention in 1997 that the resolution was passed to boycott Disney theme parks and products, due to the Walt Disney Co's decision to give benefits to companions of gay and lesbian employees.

Gene Mims, chairman of the Southern Baptist Convention committee said that "we believe the boycott was effective".

''We cost Disney hundreds-of-millions-of-dollars,'' said Wiley Drake, an SBC member from California

Disney officials had no immediate comment.

The resolution ending the boycott states that Disney should serve ''families of America by providing only those products that affirm traditional family values.''

Southern Baptist Convention Chairman Rob Zin, at a press conference, stated that he was pleased with the boycott and happy to see it end.

"While the boycott was effective, we underestimated some of it's side-effects"

Zinn described how many of the SBC's staff and member were "nagged" and "hounded" by their own children and wives.

Through the advent of the Internet, e-mail and cell phones, young Southern Baptists organized campaigns that included wearing pink or purple "Mickey Mouse Ears", endlessly watching the Disney Channel on cable television, or Disney movies on videotape or DVD and adding to the evening dinner pray, a plea for "the Lord to grace this home with the words We're going to Disneyland"

"After eight-years of this, we had to do something", Zinn sighed.

At the convention, other resolution were passed that included encouraging parents to investigate their children's public schools to determine whether they are too accepting of homosexuality, commendation for Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist for defending the appointment of fair and impartial judges to the federal bench and insisting upon their right to a vote of confirmation to the full Senate and support of stem cell research that doesn't destroy human embryos or risk in obtaining human stem cells.

''It's just devastating to me what's happening to our children,'' said Robert Dreyfuss, an SBC member from Florida. ''We're going to look very much like Europe looks.''

News In Brief 23 June 2005

Biden Looking At Presidential Run In 2008

Taking First Step of Staffing, Including Proofreaders and Fact Checkers

Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) confirmed that his statements on the CBS program 'Face The Nation' last Sunday were accurate

"If in fact I think I have a clear shot at winning the nomination by this November or December, then I'm going to seek the nomination," he said,

Biden indicated he will review and reflect on making the run, but, as he does so, he is taking the first steps of staffing.

Included in his staffing requirements will be a Proofreader and a Fact Checker.

Biden had to drop out of the 1988 race for the Democratic nomination, after it was revealed he plagiarizing parts of a speech by British Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock and revealed that he had plagiarized in law school 20 years earlier.

Biden admitted that his campaign may come in fits-and-starts, as all his statements and writings will be reviewed before being spoken or released for publication.

"Just think of it of watching a foreign movie with bad dubbing", joked Biden

Biden stated he will explore his support and decide by the end of this year if he will join the race.


Winn-Dixie Announces Cuts of 22,000 Jobs

Movie Bombed, Cost Increases Prolong Bankruptcy

Winn-Dixie, the bankrupt supermarket chain announced yesterday that, in an attempt to emerge from their prolonged bankruptcy, 22,000 jobs will be cut, or 28% of its workforce and they will also close over 325 stores.

As reported by The Garlic in February (see The Garlic 23 February - Winn-Dixie Files For Bankruptcy; Blames Canine), company officials banked on the success of the movie, 'Because of Winn-Dixie', based on the children's bestseller of a young girl who adopts an orphaned dog.

The movie opened well, but to mixed reviews and soon dropped at the box office. DVD sales of the movie have been sparse.

Company officials blamed the cause of their initial bankruptcy filing on the dog of the movie.

"This little pup has been more then we could handle … He's been a real primadonna … Special food, a big entourage … flying first class …"

The new cuts will have Winn-Dixie Stores Inc. ceasing operations in four states - Tennessee, Virginia, and North and South Carolina, while trimming business in Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana.

Winn Dixie will be leaving the Atlanta market completely.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things The Los Angles Times Might Experiment With

10. To see if people are really reading the paper, run all San Francisco-based stories

9. Printing the daily edition on colored construction paper

8. To get readers back, rerun all the O.J. Simpson trial coverage

7. Send a videotape of the paper to Bill Frist and see if he can see what's wrong with it

6. As soon as the ankle bracelet comes off, bring in Martha Stewart to redesign the paper

5. Hiring Jayson Blair

4. Getting Tom Cruise to fall in love with the paper

3. Based on the number of hits, changing its' website into a porno site

2. Recut the Paris Hilton commercial that will have her taking a break and reading the LA Times

1. Just invite readers to send in comments; That even for LA, the word "wikitorial" might have been too much

Wednesday 22 June 2005

Rice Threatens Egypt and Saudi Arabia

Urges Democratic Reform or "We'll Throw Your Countries Into Turmoil just like we've done with Iraq"

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice delivered her strongest and harshest message yesterday, to Egypt and Saudi Arabia, urging the two allies to get moving on democratic reforms or "we'll throw your countries into turmoil, just like we've done with Iraq".

"For 60 years, my country, the United States, pursued stability at the expense of democracy in this region here in the Middle East, and we are tired of not getting the results we want", Rice said in a speech at the American University in Cairo.

Rice didn't give a timeline for the democratic changes but subtly noted the number of U.S. Troops currently in Iraq and Afghanistan, and saying that "they might like a change of scenery".

"We want to see both purple roses and purple fingers".

Rice went further, telling both Egyptian and Saudi officials that "we have the full confidence we'll have John Bolton as our Ambassador at the United Nations".

Rice intimated that, with Bolton at the U.N. and Paul Wolfowitz now the head of the World Bank, the U.S. will have virtually unlimited power and authority to force the changes in their countries.

Back in Washington, Vice President Dick Cheney commended Rice, saying "it's time to take the gloves off"

"We've coddled these people" said the Vice President, "and that can't continue. It's time to make some tough choices, to be on the right side, or the wrong side and we're getting pretty good at convincing regimes to be on the right side."

Rice's comments caused a stir in Great Britain.

Already under pressure and stress to produce a new series of memos, based on President Bush's threats against Spain (see The Garlic, 20 June - Bush Threatens Spain With Axis Placement), Prime Minister Blair's office issued a statement, saying in part;

"They've got to slow down with the regime-change policy and let us catch up a bit".


Banana Republic Group Blasts Bush, Bolton

"These Guys Are Making Us Look Like A Dynasty"

With yet another losing vote in his determination to place John Bolton as the U.S. Ambassador at the United Nations, President Bush had the entire Republican block in Congress to the White House yesterday to plan further strategy.

And, as this meeting took place, the Association for Banana Republics blasted Bush, Senate Leader Bill Frist and the Congress, for double standards, hypocrisy and "for not seeing the noses on their faces"

"These guys are making our members look like dynasties", offered General Emilio M. Vargas, who heads the Non-Profit advocacy group, made of past and current banana republics.

On Monday, Frist again called, for the third time, for a vote to end the filibuster over Bolton and came up six votes short.

Democrats have held up the vote by insisting the White House provided additional documents for their review and the White House stubbornly refuses to do so, demanding the up-or-down vote.

"Traditionally, when we have wanted to place someone in office, it's done with one vote … or a coup" offered Vargas. "These guys are going about it all wrong. You don't just keep voting, over-and-over, until you get it the way you want".

Vargas also criticized the seeming disorganization around the Bolton fight.

'Frist says it's all over, no more voting and the President says he's waiting for a vote. I guess they're not looking at the same videotape".

Yesterday morning, Frist conceded defeat on Bolton, indicating that he would not schedule any more votes, while, the President was saying he had no intentions of pulling Bolton or giving up on getting the up-or-down vote

Frist, after the White House meeting said "The president made it very clear that he expects an up-or-down vote,"

Scott McClellan, the White House spokesman, denied there was any discord between the President and Frist. When apprised of Vargas's comments, McClellan said that 'The President isn't planning any coup's, though he has left all options on the table".

Including a possible 'recess appointment'.

"If they put Bolton in the U.N via a recess appointment", Vargas stated, "he'll have about as much confidence of the people as one of our members when they have taken over a position without the proper voting".

"They should do what they did to take office in the first place", offered Vargas. "They should just have their Supreme Court put their stamp-of-approval on it."

On another matter, Vargas admitted that the ABR is reviewing an application for admission by Iraq.

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Ken Tomlinson Will Try To Survive His Latest Scandal

10. Will get Dick Cheney to talk to his critics - Enough said

9. Gets Republicans in Congress to filibuster his firing

8. Announces another secret project - Trying to get Howard Stern to move over to NPR to boost ratings

7. Puts it on-the-line: Winner-Take-All Steel Cage Match between him and Bill Moyers

6. Blames all the trouble on out-going PBS President Pat Mitchell

5. Will hire another consultant to get the goods on the Senators calling for his resignation

4. Gets Paul Gigot to run some numbers to show it's cheaper to keep him versus firing him

3. To attract more sponsors for PBS, will produce the Jennifer Wilbanks Story

2. Asks President Bush to make him Ambassador at the U.N.

1. To show he's not against liberals, will have photo taken with Buster and two lesbians

Tuesday 21 June 2005 - Happy First Day of Summer!

Google Drops Bombshell - Will Compete With U.S. Treasury

Markets Close Early and Troops Activated; eBay Said To Be Dumping PayPal

A day after news leaked of the 'Google Wallet', a pay system said to rival eBay's PayPal, Google late yesterday afternoon dropped a bombshell when they announced they will begin a new monetary system for the United States and compete with the U.S. Treasury.

Wall Street, and markets around the world, racked by the news, closed early, causing some investors huge losses.

President Bush, called Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice back from her Mid-East trip and had the rest of his cabinet report to the White House immediately. Also, on the advice of Treasury Secretary John Snow, and as a precaution, the President activated National Guard outfits and U.S. Marshalls to stand guard of the Treasury buildings around the country.

Industry executives and Google's chief competitors, such as Microsoft, Yahoo, and Amazon, had only just begun to analyze the news of Google's new "Wallet' system when this new announcement hit them.

"This could be the beginning of an effort by Google to, essentially, pull a corporate coup", offered Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates.

"It's very troubling", said Jeff Bezos, Amazon's CEO.

Yahoo offered no comment but reports say they went out and secured, with six-figure retainers, the top lawyers in the country and may mount a legal challenge to Google.

Or, as one veteran speculated, "maybe they're going to come out with Yahoo Dollars".

eBay, reeling from the news of the pending Google Wallet, made a series of moves following Google's announcement that may indicate they are positioning to dump PayPal, who, along with 72-million accounts, took in over $6.2-Billion in the first quarter this year.

In a memo provided to The Garlic, by a person close to Google who wishes to remain anonymous, or would otherwise be terminated, shows that Google's money units will be called "Googlets" For higher denominations, a hyphen and Roman Numeral is added.

Ten Dollars in Googlets will be known as 'Googlets-X', $20, as "Googlets-XX, and so on. For odd denominations, a combination of Roman Numerals and regular numbers will be employed, such as $7 as 'Googlet-V2 or $23 as 'Googlet-XX3. There will be no metal coins in the Googlet Monetary System.

The memo goes on to show that thousands of Google Ad Word clients have agreed to transact business in the new Googlet money system and, for up to two-years, will also be allowed, without penalty, to also accept U.S. Treasury-issued money.

A unique aspect of the Googlet Monetary System is that Google is implanting sensors in their Googlets and users of Googlets can track where their Googlet goes after they spend it on the new Google Maps feature, but only to a general location of city and street - no private identity information will be given to someone that searches their Googlets

Secretary Snow, red-faced with anger, emphatically stated that "Googlets is not legal tender and will not be accepted by any U.S. or Federal Reserve Bank".

The White House late last night issued a statement that seemed to show more of a 'wait-and-see' attitude.

When questioned about the statement, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said that "The President and his staff are examining this very carefully".

"While, at first, it is very startling, however, the President wants to look at all angles and, if there is an application for this new money with the President's plan for Private Social Security Accounts, it may be something he will look at".



F.B.I. Finally Gets Photos, Files On Terrorism

Senior Agents in Counterterrosim Thought Osama bin Laden was Illinois Senator

As a follow-up to the bombshell news released yesterday, that F.B.I. Officials in charge of counterterrorism lacked training, CIA Chief Porter Goss copied photos and files and sent them to F.B.I. Director Robert Mueller to "get his guys up to speed".

Lawyer Stephen Kohn, interviewing top level F.B.I. Counterterrorism officials in connection to a lawsuit, wrote in a letter to three senators, that these official - both current and former members - lacked training and understanding in terrorism and had been, more-or-less, routinely promoted to their positions despite the lack-of-experience.

Goss, yesterday, announced that he knows, or has a "pretty good idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding.

"If I had known", said Goss, "that they didn't know very much about terrorism, I could have shared the files and photos earlier. Mueller should have said something - he knows I have a huge, big files … actually rooms-and-rooms full of files on terrorism".

One person close to the F.B.I. Indicated that in a survey of top agents, 67% of the agents thought September 11th was the start of the National Football League Season and 87% thought Osama bin Laden was the freshman senator from Illinois.

Kohn's interviews uncovered that F.B.I officials had little knowledge as to basic links between Al Qaeda and a Southeast Asian terror group, Jemaah Islamiyah. Or the connection between Osama bin Laden and Sheik Omar Abdel Rahman, the blind sheik already convicted of terrorism.

"Wow" was Mueller's reaction. "I guess we got a lot of catching up to do"

Pasquale J. D'Amuro, a former F.B.I. Official who recently retired, stated that "experience in counterterrorism was helpful for managers but added that it was one of a number of leadership qualifications that were important in filling crucial posts"

"Filing reports on time, filling out paperwork properly, staying on top on new fingerprinting and check forging techniques are important also".

Cassandra M. Chandler, assistant director for public affairs at the F.B.I., said in response to the charges that the F.B.I. Agents in charge of terrorism, knew little about terrorism;

"The F.B.I.'s post-9/11 transformation involves nothing less than the complete reshaping of our work force"

Asked if the reshaping of the work force involved gaining knowledge in terrorism, Chandler said that she "doesn't know" and that "You'd have to ask Director Mueller that question".

"We do know the different colors for when they elevate the terrorism threats", she added