Wednesday 20 April 2005

Brady To Retire From Patriots
SNL Offers Long-Term Contract; "Only Downhill" As QB Left

In a stunning press conference yesterday, Tom Brady, star quarterback for the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots, announced his retirement from football, to move onto a new career as a cast member of 'Saturday Night Live'.

Brady was a guest host on the program last Saturday

"I'm just a humble football player on the Lord's gridiron", beamed Brady, flashing his famous smile.

Brady cited, among other factors, that SNL producer Lorne Michaels offered a long-term contract, something the New England Patriots have yet to do. Brady, as it stood, was due to become a free agent following the 2006 season.

"Things have happened kind of fast for me … Winning three Super Bowls so early in my career … It's probably all downhill from here and Lorne is giving me something the Patriots haven't put on the table … "

Brady's announcement, stunned the Patriot's brass. Coach Bill Belichek and owner Bob Kraft both refused comment and a PR staffer testily stated that there would be a press conference tomorrow.

Citing the long-term contract appears to be biting back at the Patriots. Under the leadership of Kraft and Belichek, the Patriots have employed a strategy - successful so far - of not paying large contracts, trading or cutting key players.

Following winning their third Super Bowl in four-years, popular veteran wide receiver Troy Brown was let go. Two years ago the Patriots cut veteran safety, and perhaps one of the league's best, Lawyer Malloy. Numerous other players have either been let go, or, through free agency, have gone to other teams, and larger contracts.

"The Patriot's", said one sources close to the team, "have a certain dollar figure tied to each position. You want to go over that figure, you're going to do it on another team … They just won't pay it".

As to SNL, producer Lorne Michaels stated that "Brady showed us something …"

"He has a lot of potential and he really fit in with the other cast members. That's not something that happens every week. He worked hard and we feel comfortable bringing him into our family".

Brady, whose fiancé, is actress Bridget Moynahan, will see spot roles for the reminder of the current SNL season, while taking some acting and voice lessons. He will become a full cast member next October and his contract runs through the 2009 season.

Brady indicated he'll miss "some of the action" and the rolling rallies, but otherwise is comfortable with his decision.

"Hey, maybe I can win three Oscars, or Emmy's or whatever they give out … Wouldn't that be a kick …"


Justice Dept. Moving on Red Sox Incident
Considers Terrorist Charges, Special Rendition For Interfering Fans

The incident of fan interference during last Thursday's game between the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox is heating up. Having been investigated by the Red Sox, Major League Baseball and the Boston Police, the Justice Department announced yesterday that they may take over, implying that it may be part of a larger plot.

A spokesperson for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales confirmed that the Justice Department was "very interested" in the matter and is in the process of taking over the investigation on the grounds of national security.

During the game, a ball hit by Jason Varitek of the Red Sox into deep rightfield, where fans are close to the field, was fielded by Yankee Gary Sheffield. As various fans leaned over the short wall in an attempt to scoop the baseball, one fan, later identified as Christopher B. House allegedly struck Sheffield in the face, while another unidentified fan threw a cup of beer at Sheffield.

The Yankee outfielder initially pushed back at House, but restrained himself as Red Sox security and Boston Police moved into the area. While the game was delayed a matter of minutes, no further incident developed.

After investigating, the Red Sox revoked the season tickets of House. The Boston Police are currently seeking a criminal complaint against House, and the unidentified beer thrower.

The Justice Department spokesperson that the Attorney General himself is taking interest in this case.

"We seen a certain amount of "chatter" and we have concerns", he confirmed.

He also confirmed that a team of investigators - some who have been working on another case involving the New York Yankees (see The Garlic, Monday 18 April - Steinbrenner Calls In FBI To Hunt For 'Real' Yankee's) - has been in Boston, conducting interviews and building a background for the Justice Department to take over the case.

Asked if this was involving terrorism, the spokesperson stated that nothing has been ruled out.

Potentially, House and the unidentified fan could be placed under Special Rendition, the secret government program of kidnapping suspected terrorist and flying them to foreign countries for interrogation.

"We don't know what we are looking at but we will err on the side of protecting the United States. Attorney General Gonzales has authorized the full implement of tools to solve this matter"