We Couldn't Resist ...

Okay, one quick one ...

We will have more (Oh, such a nice New Years' gift) on Mark "God Made Me Who I Am" McGwire, and his ridiculous, sobbing, ego-boasting interview, on his belated admission that he was a lying cheater, steroid user.

With McGwire's constant referencing of "God", his "God-given talents", "The Man upstairs", "The talents God gave me", well, we half expected to hear this, in the background;

Luther Barnes & The Red Budd Gospel Choir - My God Can Do Anything

Then, what came to mind, is another all-powerful ego entity - Chuck Norris.

And, there's the hysterical "Chuck Norris Facts".

So, with a nod to the lads at CNF, we couldn't resist, and replace "Chuck Norris" with "Mark McGwire";

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Mark McGwire

Mark McGwire doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Mark McGwire has allowed to live

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Mark McGwire

Mark McGwire does not sleep. He waits

Mark McGwire is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right arms

Mark McGwire is the reason why Waldo is hiding

Mark McGwire counted to infinity - twice

When Mark McGwire does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down

If you spell Mark McGwire in Scrabble, you win. Forever

Mark McGwire' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush

Mark McGwire can lead a horse to water AND make it drink

Mark McGwire doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is

Mark McGwire can slam a revolving door

Mark McGwire does not get frostbite. Mark McGwire bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Mark McGwire hit a homerun

Ain't Nobody's Business But My Own

We're giving into the, absolutely, oppressive humidity today, almost strong enough, not just to peel paint, but have it get up and book away.

However, we couldn't completely ignore the "Beer-and-Pony Show", at the White House this evening, uniting all the headliners of the Skip Gates - Sgt. Crowley Debacle, the cameras so trained on the table, as if waiting for it to explode.

Steve Clemons, over on The Washington Note, gets the "Post-of-the-Day", for, paying lip service to that, then detailing the soirees he will be attending this evening, and what he will be drinking, "at the National Geographic Society event featuring Philippines President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo ... Singapore Embassy to pay respects to Singapore Ambassador Chan Heng Chee ... the home of Australia Ambassador to the US Dennis Richardson who is throwing what probably will be the best party in DC tonight for the members of the Australian-American Leadership Dialogue ... the home of Yemen Ambassador to the US Abdulwahab Abdulla Al-Hajjri ..."



Nor, the bombshell baseball news today, that Manny-Being-Manny, and David Ortiz (Big Pop-Out, this year), were juiced, and doped up, in 2003, just at the beginning of the heralded Red Sox run, and march, to winning the 2004 World Series.

There's been a full-scale, DefCon5 call for all oral surgeons to report to Boston, to fix the dropped jaws of the scores-of-thousands in Red Sox Nation.

I guess, when you're battling against a 86-year-old curse, you gotta go outside the box, so to speak.

All the more burning to those die-hard Fenway Faithful, since the list of 100+ was to kept secret.

For the confluence of both of these happening today, we turn it over to the whimsical vocals of Taj Mahal, with this old classic;

Ain't Nobody's Business But My Own - Taj Mahal

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Manny Ramirez Taking Banned Substances (Fertility Drugs)

News Item: Dodgers' Manny Ramirez suspended 50 games after failing drug test

10. After living in "Red Sox Nation", wanted to, personally, create "Manny Nation"

9. The ol' "peanuts and crackerjacks" just wasn't cuttin' it

8. An inexplicable, "Manny-Being-Manny" bonding, and empathy, for Octomon Nadya Suleman

7. Puts a different meaning on old baseball saw, of "He got good wood on the ball"

6. Just trying to put "a little beef, in the ol' bullpen", if you know what I mean

5. Manny was just being Manny ... And, also being Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Alex Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro...

4. Makes you wonder what Manny was doing when he was hiding in the scoreboard, in Fenway Park wall

3. Thought, by talking the substance, he could land one of those "bath tubs, watching the sunset with sexy woman" commercials'

2. Just wanted to live up to "Mannywood" (wink, wink)

1. Well, how should we say this ... Dodger Blue wasn't the only thing blue on Manny Ramirez


Bonus Riffs

Yahoo Sports: Ramirez’s drug used to stimulate testosterone

ESPN: Sources: Ramirez used fertility drug

MLB: Manny suspended 50 games for PED use; Ramirez biggest name to be penalized by MLB's drug policy

Politics and Sports Collide ... Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

Garlic Coverage of Baseball Steroid Scandal

Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

Wednesday 3 August 2005

Second Palmeiro Bombshell: Tests Positive For Cialis

Star Slugger Lucrative ED Endorsement Deal With Viagra In Jeopardy

The first cleat dropped on Monday, when prospective Hall of Fame slugger Rafael Palmeiro became the first "major star" to test positive for an illegal performance-enhancing substance, or steroids, and, subsequently, was suspended for 10-Games.

Yesterday, the second cleat fell. Palmeiro's steroid test also showed positive for Cialis, the erectile dysfunction (ED) medication.

Palmeiro has a lucrative endorsement agreement, being a spokesperson for the rival ED drug, Viagra.

A spokesperson for Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Viagra, said the company would have no immediate comment, pending their review of the test results. A source told The Garlic late last night that the company, as a precaution, has suspended all television and print advertising involving Palmeiro.

The 40-year-old Baltimore Orioles first baseman apologized for the violation, and insisted that he was unaware he took any illegal substances.

''I have never intentionally used steroids," Palmeiro said in a statement issued after an arbitration panel rejected his grievance. ''Never. Ever. Period."

Palmeiro also denied using Cialis, and hinted that this adds proof that the results of his steroid test may be in error. Palmeiro insisted that he only uses Viagra.

"If someone gave me Cialis, I think I would know it. I'd be on for 36-hours and, man, at my age, I'd remember that"

Viagra, in contrast, works for up to 4.5-5 hours.

Palmeiro, earlier this year, was one of a handful of baseball's stars that testified before Congress in a hearing about steroid abuse and also insisted at that time that he never used the banned substance.

Congressman Stephen Lynch (D-MA) said this latest news was "troubling".

Lynch said the violation also ''calls into question the truthfulness of Mr. Palmeiro's testimony before Congress."

Also testifying at that hearing was Jose Canseco, an admitted steroid user and author of the book, "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big". Canseco claims that he injected numerous players - including Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez, and Palmeiro - with steroids early in their careers. All have denied the charges.

''I think this demonstrates that Jose Canseco, like I thought, may have been the most honest guy at the table," said Charles Yesalis, a leading steroid researcher at Penn State who testified before the committee the same day.

With his career winding down, it would be an inopportune time to lose such an endorsement deal.

A spokesperson for Eli Lilly, the producer of Cialis, indicated the company was watching the situation "closely".

"We'd love to get a high-profile Viagra user to switch over to Cialis. Especially a professional baseball player. We'll show him that we can put some good wood in the bat - better than anything he ever got with Viagra".










More prisoner abuse is being reported, as detainees in an undisclosed facility in Iraq were forced to stand on their window sill for more than eight-hours, while the floor of their cell was washed and waxed

Monday 11 July 2005

London Bombings Force Blair To Name Own Axis of Evil

Bush Upset; May Sue In International Court To Force Name Change

A rift has developed between British Prime Minister Tony Blair and American President George Bush, following a heated meeting at the recent G8 Summit, in which, following the terrorist bombings in London, Blair advised Bush that he will soon announce his own 'Axis of Evil'.

Once spoken of being "staunch allies" of each other, Bush was said to be furious with Blair, according to sources at the summit.

Bush was overheard, shouting at Blair about copyright infringement and "messing up the whole plan".

It's not known when Blair will announce the British Axis of Evil, but it is rumored that France is on the list, for both historical and general reasons, as well as the recent insults offered by French President Jacques Chirac regarding British cuisine (see The Garlic, 7 July - London Wins Olympic Bid, But With A Catch )

When it became public, the White House snapped into action.

Chief Strategist Karl Rove immediately began researching members of parliament who had wives or husbands that may be undercover operatives of MI5, so he could leak that information to the British Press. Columnist Robert Novak volunteered to write the article for Rove, if necessary. Time Magazine also stepped in to say they stand ready to turn over any files and emails on the subject, if they write about it, should the case go to court.

Teams of White House lawyers began pouring through international law books on copyrights, malicious infringement of business and a host of other possible charges that can be pursued in court. One source indicated that, if they can't stop Blair from naming his own Axis of Evil list, they may be able to tie him up for years before he could implement and announce the list.

Senate Leader Bill Frist (R-TN), after spending the weekend viewing hours of videotape, including the DVD movies 'Chariot's of Fire' and 'Alfie' (the Michael Caine version), will present a resolution condemning Blair, and the British for "stealing United States military assets".

Blair, so far, has stood is ground, and with the full support of parliament. Blair's office released a new round of 'Downing Street Memos', showing there was some evidence the Bush Administration manipulated the data to come up with their version of an Axis of Evil list.

Sources close to Blair say that he hasn't ruled out placing the United States on the list, if President Bush doesn't tone down the rhetoric over it.

The White House released a statement over the weekend, that said, in part, changes to the Axis of Evil list would be forthcoming, and perhaps expanded.

"We've never been locked into just having three nations on the list", offered Scott McClellan, White House Spokesperson.

McClellan added, almost going out of his way to point out that the United States Axis of Evil list is the "official list".


IOC Dumps Baseball; Fewer HR's and Little Scandal Potential

New MLB Ban On Steroids Limits PR Effort of Games, IOC TV Time

Seeing that their television appearances may be limited in the 2012 Olympics Games, the International Olympic Committee, and the lack of homerun potential, the 2012 Games have dropped Baseball.

Members of the committee cited, with Major League Baseball's new crackdown on steroid use, there will likely be a decline in the number of homeruns hit, as is already occurring in MLB, and taking excitement out of a game most member nations already find lacking such.

Additionally, some members saw the lack of primetime television appearances. Without any steroid controversy, individual member and committee heads would see their media appearances, both for television and radio, decline

."We know from past experience", said one committee member, "that banning an athlete due to steroid use ups attendance at that event by more then 20%. We also get more television coverage due to the controversy, particularly if the athlete protests his-or-her innocence".

Officially, the IOC says the reason for dropping baseball and softball is part of an overall effort to downsize the Summer Olympics,
which has blossomed, from 4,100 athletes and 136 medal events in 1948 to more than 11,100 and 300 last summer. The IOC voted three years ago for a cap of 10,500 athletes and 301 events.

Baseball and softball were nearly cut-out from the Beijing Olympics' list (along with modern pentathlon in 2002) but IOC members felt, that with the games in China, there was enough potential controversy to keep them in. With China emerging in the world market, along a natural rivalry with Japan, a baseball-crazy nation, there'll be ample fireworks on-hand.

Major League Baseball was frantic upon receiving the news of being cut from the Olympics, fearing they will lose a key asset in their efforts to market baseball as a wholesome, family activity.

So desperate were they, according a source close to the Olympics, they offered an 11th-hour deal to guarantee Texas Ranger pitcher Kenny Rogers would be on the squad and he has agreed that he would abuse and rough up the international media.

Tuesday 15 March 2005

First Lady Heads Jingoism Festival
Jeep Owners Mandated To Learn Song

Believing that most Americans do not know the words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner', our national anthem, First Lady Laura Bush is out to teach them.

Mrs. Laura Bush is the Honorary Chairperson of the "National Anthem Project: Restoring America's Voice", an intiative of the MENC: National Association for Music Education and is being sponsored by Jeep.

The project kicked off last week (March 10th) and included performances from school age children and adults, as well as the Oak Ridge Boys and the 'President's Own' U.S. Marine Band. A larger concert is planned, with some six-million children, teachers and music supporters participating, performing American patriotic and popular songs and will be broadcast around the country on PBS, and the Armed Forces Network.

As to the national sponsorship by Jeep, Dieter Zetsche, President and Chief Executive Officer of the Chrysler Group offered;

"Few brands symbolize freedom and patriotism like the Jeep brand …"

The First Lady stated owning a Jeep " … was a fabulous way to see our great country …" and that all Jeep owners will be mandated to learn the song. She hopes her husband, President Bush, will write legislation that will extend this to all automobile owners.

As an element of their sponsorship, Jeep insisted on language in the contract that bars Rosanne Barr from singing the National Anthem at any Jeep-sponsored event.


Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal
of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids
Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934

General Mills anounced that they have come to terms with Major League Baseball to have their Wheaties, The Breakfast of Champions, become the 'Official Breakfast Cereal" of the league.

And, in a bombshell, an unprecidented break from tradition, for the first time since 1934, when Lou Gerhig appeared on the cereal box, Wheaties will feature a steroid pill and needle. It's unclear if the featured items are from Balco, or a generic brand of steroids.

Numerous baseball stars have endorsed the cereal, including Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Lefty Grove, Mel Ott, Bob Feller, Ted Williams, Hank Greenberg, Stan Musial, Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, Pee Wee Reese, Warren Spahn, Yogi Berra, Mickey Mantle, Johnny Bench, Hank Aaron, Cal Ripken, Jr. and Joe Torre.

Additionally, of the 51 players selected for the 1939 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, 46 endorsed Wheaties. Wheaties also sponsored the first televised commercial sports broadcast on August 29, 1939, when NBC presented a Cincinnati Reds vs. Brooklyn Dodgers broadcast for some 500 television owners in New York City.

"We’re excited about the winning moments that our Wheaties - MLB partnership will bring" said Eric Lucas, Vice President of Marketing for General Mills’ Big G Cereals. "We've always featured the dominant star and this year, it is undoubtedly, steroids".

Lucas, as well as Tim Brosnan, Executive Vice President, Business, Major League Baseball, offered no comment on the impact of the upcoming Congressional hearings on steroids use in baseball and left the door open that a future Wheaties box could have a Congressman on it


Bush Appointment Has Mid-East Fearful With New Hughes Role

The Arab League stated a muted, and very cautious tone in reacting to the announcement of former Bush Aide Karen Hughes' new position of Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy. Hughes will be responsible for crafting Mid-East policies and changing the area's perceptions about the United States. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made the announcement yesterday.

Hughes, a former counselor to President Bush from 2000-2002, also had a major role in shaping Bush's domestic agenda, as well as having her imprint on a number of foreign policy initiatives. Hughes left the administration to move back to Texas.

Some Arab League members are skeptical about the appointment, speculating that there'll be a continuation of false or doctored intelligence and a new call of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the next country the Bush Administration chooses to invade.

There's even confusion if the appointment is true, or if it's an endeavor of the disinformation program started by Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld two-years ago.

'When America starts talking about planting the seeds of democracy", offered one Arab League official, "that's usually our sign to start building our bomb shelters".