Piercing, Shattering Noise Rocks DC Area
Authorities Trace To Capitol Bldg; May Be Frist Presidential Hopes

Washington, D.C. was rocked early last evening with a piercing, shrieking, shattering-type noise, heard for scores of miles beyond the nation's capital.

As emergency switchboards were flooded with calls from concern and frightened citizens, local police departments, aided by a division of federal agents pinpointed the center of where the noise emanated from and it appears to be the U.S. Capitol Building.

The first calls reporting the shattering noise began to roll in around 6:15PM, and lasted for more than an hour. Further tests were being conducted late into the evening, as more calls and leads poured in.

Washington D.C. Police Chief Charles H. Ramsey seemed assured that the public was not in danger. Homeland Security officials monitored the situation but did not change the color code.

"I'm pretty sure we know what this is all about", offered the Chief.

Speculation among authorities is mounting that the noise was the 2008 Presidential hopes of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) breaking apart, as he lost a senate vote to end the debate over the nomination of John Bolton to the post of United Nations Ambassador.

Frist had begun the day confident, that not only the debate would end, but the nomination vote would take place as well.

For Frist, this is the second major blow to his leadership, after Monday's surprise compromise, in which 7 Democrats and 7 Republicans joined forces to bring a truce to the heated judicial nomination debates, and prevent Frist from enacting the threatened 'Nuclear Option' that would change Senate rules and outlaw filibusters.

Frist, who has been positioning himself for a run at the 2008 Presidential rave, has been widely criticized by other Republicans as to his abilities to be the Senate Leader and delivering for the President, his last-term, conservative agenda.

The failures of Frist this week, according to some Republican sources, not only throw a wet blanket on gaining the 2008 nomination,. but risk seeing Frist replaced as Senate Majority Leader as well.

"Hey," offered one Republican insider, "when you're in charge of the bakery, and the bread isn't coming out of the oven, might be time for a new baker"

The White House commented that they were "disappointed" in not seeing a vote for Bolton.

"This has happened before", stated Chief Ramsey. "Probably, the last time was way back, when I think Gary Hart was in office … That was one doozy of a noise, all right".


NBA Considers Selling Uniform Space To Advertisers
Carl's Jr. Looking To Place Paris Hilton To "Our Key Demo's"

The National Basketball Association announced this week that they are considering offering space on team uniforms for advertisers and sponsors to display their names or logos.

The proposal could reap billions for the NBA, according to Commissioner David Stern.

"Let's face it, the horse is out of the barn and we don't even have a farm yet"

The NBA currently bans all forms of advertising on team uniforms, the only major sport that has such a restriction and some owners are against having uniforms with advertising, wanting the league to maintain a certain, professional look.

However a growing number of owners are looking at it seriously, as a means to recoup some of the millions they spend on payrolls for players.

Dallas Mavericks owner, Mark Cuban, says "bring it on"

"Man, we could really go to town on this … Have different advertisers for different players … Home uniforms, Away uniforms … Hell, if someone wants to spend enough money, we'll have the sponsors strapped to the player's backs"

One advertiser is already lining up to secure uniform space from the NBA - Carl's Jr.

With their new, Paris Hilton television campaign going through the roof, Carl's Jr. can't produce enough branding fast enough to leverage the bevy of free publicity and extra plays of the commercial they have been receiving.

The commercial features a bathing suit-clad Paris Hilton, sensually soaping up a Bentley automobile - and herself - while eating a Carl's Jr. burger.

"I mean, how hot would that be to have Paris Hilton on a bunch of big, sweaty NBA players", offered one Carl's Jr. marketing executive. "We could probably do something special … like during timeouts, we have soap, or something, interact with the player's perspiration so the uniform suds-up"

When asked about the Carl's Jr. proposal, Stern smiled.

"Yes, we have talked with them. It certainly is an interesting idea but, perhaps, a bit too much … We have a lot of young fans … If they want to use Lindsey Lohan, now, maybe we can talk …"