Monday 20 June 2005

Bush Threatens Spain With Axis Placement

President "Extremely Displeased" With Gay Marriage Vote

Reports from Washington this weekend, The Garlic has learned, say that the White House was abuzz with activity this weekend as they lobbied Spain to shoot down the vote on legalizing gay marriages.

One person close to the White House indicated a number of "heated telephone calls and emails" between Bush and Spain's Prime Minister, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. Other staff, including Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who was traveling in the Mid-East, were lobbying European allies to back the White House against Zapatero and the gay marriage measure.

One source said that the strain between Bush and Zapatero reached a point where Bush, losing his temper, threatened Zapatero with placing Spain in the Axis of Evil. Currently Iran, North Korea and Iraq hold membership in the Axis but, upon drafting a constitution, Iraq is expected to be taken off the list.

Dealings between Bush and Zapatero were strained, almost from the beginning, when, in April 2004, some 24-hours after his inauguration, Zapatero declared the withdrawal for Spanish forces from Iraq.

Zapatero, and his Socialist Party, were swept into office after a bitter election that included the March 11, 2004 bombing of a train in Madrid. Zapatero has put forth an agenda that includes ending mandatory religion classes in public schools, reconsidering euthanasia and divorce laws, and easing restrictions on abortion

If the measure passes in Spain, it will become the second European country to legalize gay marriage, following The Netherlands, which enacted the law in 2001. Belgium has also legalized gay marriages but has not yet adopted it into law.

The Madrid-based Center for Sociological Research, a leading and independent pollster, suggested that 66 percent of Spaniards believe ''homosexuals should have a right to get married."

"Bush is livid", offered one source. " 'He's ordered Rumsfeld to run up numbers on invading Spain and he's leaning on Blair to come in with him".

In England, Prime Minister Tony Blair declined comment but it is being reported that he has ordered a new batch of Downing Street Memos that could be leaked at a later date on the subject.


Officials Say Two Jacksons Cause of California Quakes

News of Laker Signing and Trial Acquittal Rattle Entire State

After yet another significant earthquake early Sunday morning, officials have narrowed down the cause of this recent cluster of quakes - seven, plus numerous aftershocks - over the past week

In a joint statement late last night, seismologists and geophysicists from the U.S. Geological Society, National Earthquake Center and the University of California say that the recent acquittal of Michael Jackson and the recent signing by Phil Jackson to come back to coach the Los Angeles Lakers caused stress fractures along multiple fault lines that were felt throughout the entire state.

"While clusters of earthquakes, by themselves, are not necessarily uncommon", said a spokesperson from the National Earthquake Center, "the news of two Jackson's' was a pretty freak occurrence and the data shows how it effected the faults"

A spokesperson for Michael Jackson reiterated previous statements since the trial ended, saying that Michael plans on ending his practice of sleeping with young boys "so I don't think he'll be causing any earthquakes in the future".

When reached for comment, Phil Jackson declined to admit he was the cause of the quakes and that "it sounds like something Kobe would say".

Jackson was referring to Laker star, Kobe Bryant, with whom Jackson had a tumultuous relationship with during his first turn as head coach.

"He's probably jealous his little rape incident didn't shake things up as much", Jackson added.

When asked how two individuals could cause such reactions, a geophysicists from the University of California at Berkeley indicated that complex data was analyzed from the earthquakes and measured against the actions of the two Jacksons.

"It's pretty much a complete match", said the spokesperson.

"There was some Paris Hilton activity, and Congressman Duncan Hunter's antics over the Guantanamo situation but the overwhelming amount of data pointed to Michael Jackson and Phil Jackson".