Friday 22 July 2005

Rumsfield to Downgrade Iraqi Forces To 'Wannabes'

Says Couldn't Fight Way Out Of Paper Bag; Statehood Stalled Without Troops

In his most blunt assessment of the readiness of the Iraq Security Forces, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield called the Iraqi forces "wannabes" and that, at present "couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag"

In a newly released Pentagon report, only two-thirds of the army battalions are "partly capable" of carrying out missions, and that only with U.S Forces assistance. Iraq's police battalions are in worse shape, with less than half the number established and unable to conduct operations.

"Goodness, I don't know what the problem is" stated Rumsfield. "We have our best trainers there. It's unfathomable why more Iraqis aren't prepared. Heck, we can take a young kid from some poke-town here and in six months, he's a mean, lean fighting machine".

Bush administration officials have repeatedly said the 160,000 American-led allied troops cannot begin to withdraw until Iraqi troops are ready to take over security.

The assessment is described in a brief written response that Gen. Peter Pace, the incoming chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, provided last week to the Senate Armed Services Committee
. The Defense Department is required to update the assessment every 90 days.

Rumsfield lamented that, without a significant number of Iraqi forces, combined with that Iraq is still without a constitution, the prospects of statehood continue to diminish (See The Garlic 12 April - Bush Moves On Making Iraq 51st State).

"That would be it … That's the ballgame …The return on our investment goes phooey", declared Rumsfield. "We've made overtures, we've been up front with them … Direct … Here it is … You want to be a state, this is what you have to do"

'These guys are wannabes … They got all excited when we came in … Saddam's gone and they can breath again. Truth is they would have a hard time … The couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag at this point in time".

Rumsfield cautioned that, without significant improvement, he may have to restate his earlier statements, and go beyond 12-years in which U.S. Forces would continue to be in Iraq.

"We’ll know we've reached the tipping point when we have a generational war … When father and son serve in the same war".

In a related matter, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will make an unscheduled stop in Puerto Rico, upon her return from Sudan. Preparing for the possibility that Iraq will not become the 51st state, Rice is to gauge if Puerto Rico is still interested in the position. No talks have been schedule yet with Washington D.C.


Former Sports Arena Debuts As House of Worship

Video Screens and Cheerleaders Lift Services; Church Fighting CBA Ruling

Lakewood Church in Houston celebrated its' first service in its new church - America's largest - to a capacity crowd of over 16,000, including a Texas-sized welcome from Texas Governor Rick Perry last Saturday night.

Lakewood Church is the former Compaq Center, and former home to the NBA's Houston Rockets. It took more than 15 months and $75 million to complete the renovations, which included adding five stories.

The worshippers at the nondenominational Christian church did have to make a few adjustment to their service, which was also televised.

The service was broken down into four quarters, including a 20-minute halftime and a performance by the Lakewood Church Cheerleaders. Worshippers could watch giant video screens to follow along with the service, conducted by Pastor Joel Osteen and the words to the hymn.

In addition, rather than the traditional passing of the collection plate, the services are now ticketed (and available on Ticketron).

"We're hoping", stated Pastor Osteen, "that some other cities will yield old arenas that can be converted. We can start a league and begin competing against other congregations."

"We'll match our fire-and-brimstone against anybody" declared parishioner Mary Lou Smith

There is controversy brewing as Osteen and the church are fighting in court, a ruling that stipulates Lakewood must "respect and adhere to" the NBA's Collective Bargaining Agreement.

"Being a church, a house of worship, we should have an exemption for this" stated Osteen.

The ruling impacts Osteen and dictates a minimum salary for his other ministers. It also establishes free agency so that his ministers would have the right to move to another church, with Lakewood receiving no compensation.

The NBA contends that they have rights to the building, that were initially part of the agreement with the previous tenant, the Houston Rockets.

NBA Commissioner David Stern declined further comment.