I See Dead Golfers

We did, what we thought would be our only Tiger Woods post yesterday, defending him against two incredibly Ignorant Dolts, and yet, this morning, we are compelled to do another.

Not about his over-hyped comeback.

If you had the television on yesterday, even for a few moments, and you could have had it set at, just about, any channel, then you undoubtedly saw the new Nike Ad, with Woods, deer-in-the-headlights-like in front of the camera, as his late father Earl, Lazarus-like, berates him, no doubt reminding Tiger of his drill-sargented-upbringing to be THE WORLD'S BEST GOLFER.



I know his last few films didn't do as well as his earlier work, but did M. Night Shyamalan whore himself out to Nike?

Creepy only begins to cover this.

You can view the video HERE - I don't want to give Nike any more PR than necessary (Also, you can check out Keith Olbermann, who ran some of the parody ads generated within hours of release of the actual ad)

WTF!

And, the dialog for the ad;

Tiger, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was. I want to find out what your feelings are, and did you learn anything?

It plays right into the extra-marital affairs of Woods, on the day he opens in The Masters.

Was the a wet kiss, from Nike, to take away some of the attention, the pressure?

Dave Zirin, over at The Nation, seems to hit the bullseye;

In the context of our enduring global fever-dream, a tacky ad in which Nike and Tiger conspire to exploit the memory of Earl Woods is hardly that big a deal--particularly since if Earl Woods were alive, he would have supported this exercise in grave robbing 100 percent. But the idea that Tiger and Nike would see the incredible turmoil that has engulfed Tiger's life as an opportunity to rebrand Tiger and sell us more swoosh-laden crap is simply sickening. Every single member of the golf media and every fan who has felt sympathy for his self-destructive plight should feel like a grade-A sucker. Every person impressed with his professed recommitment to the Buddhist faith and his family should be deeply offended that it was all just a springboard aimed at cashing in. And every golf fan and pro golfer should be furious that he's shellacked another layer of controversy onto the most prestigious tournament on the tour, the Masters at Augusta.

[snip]

I really believed that in the wake of his Odyssey of scandal and humiliation, there would be a showdown inside Tiger's soul between the brand and the man. I couldn't have been more wrong. There is no man, only brand. If he wants to dehumanize himself on his own time then more power to him. But this ad dehumanizes all of us. One thing however is abundantly clear: If Tiger loses this weekend, Nike loses as well. Neither deserve to make the cut, on the course or otherwise. Tiger the brand has now wholly consumed Tiger the man.

All this means, is that some underage kid in Asia is going to have to work a Monty-Python-like schedule ("I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed ...") in some Nike Sweatshop, to produce the "Tiger Woods" line of crap.

Way to go there Tiger.

Did you, learn anything?

A Duo of Ignorant Dolts Score Par For The Masters

Oh my!

Such piety today.

We've been behind on the monitoring of Ignorant Dolts lately, as, during the recent Healthcare Reform debacle, it was going off like a dump truck, stuck in reverse.

So, we just happen to turn the volume up a tiny bit this morning and, it as "BEEP ... BEEP... BEEP ... BEEP... BEEP ... BEEP ..."

Today starts the Master's Golf Tournament, so stepping up first to grab his Ignorant Dolt Crown and Sceptre, is, none, other, than the chairman of the Augusta National Golf Club, Billy Payne;

In an uncharacteristic bit of theater alien to the Augusta National culture, Payne, without prodding, singled out Tiger Woods in a harsh rebuke, saying the world’s top-ranked golfer did not live up to role model expectations and had “disappointed all of us, and more importantly, our kids and our grandkids.”

Reading from a statement, Payne added: “His future will never again be measured only by his performance against par, but measured by the sincerity of his effort to change. I hope he now realizes that every kid he passes on the course wants his swing, but would settle for his smile.”

Say What?

Unless there's a clause in the contract, that says you have to be clean-as-a-whistle to play the Masters (as opposed to having the skill), Mr. Billy Payne should just STFU!

And it is particularly odious of Payne to be going around throwing mud on anyone.

The Masters, the venerated Augusta National Golf Club, didn't have an African-American in their tournament until 1975.

And, a few this morning, have already pointed out the irony of Payne's Ignorant Doltness, as Augusta continues to ban allowing woman members.

Dave Brockington, over on Lawyers, Guns and Money;

Shorter NYT: the Chairman of the prestigious country club located in Georgia that somehow still doesn’t admit women in the year 2010 rebuked some guy for disrespecting women rather than being a role model for our children and grandchildren.

And, Sandy Levinson, over on Balkinization, rips Payne a new one;

This is touching--perhaps Mr. Payne's great-grandfather pleaded with Shoeless Joe Jackson to "say it isn't so"--but I confess to feeling that Mr. Payne's outrage might better be directed at many of his fellow Club members, described by the Times as "chief executives from many of the country’s biggest corporations and investment banks as well as business leaders worldwide." And, of course, every single one of his fellow members is male, since Augusta National is notorious for being a bastion of sexism. But Mr. Payne is apparently shocked and outraged that Mr. Woods, along with being possibly the greatest golfer of all time, was, off the golf course, fucking lots of women other than his wife. But there is, to put it mildly, no similar outrage directed at his fellow Club members, i.e., the heads of "the country's biggest corporations and investment banks," who have, for many years, not only have been totally oblivious to the insult of maintaining Augusta National as an all-male institution, but have also been fucking their employers (metaphorically, of course, though, one suspects, in at least some cases, quite literally) and, in the case of the investment bankers especially, fucking the entire American (and worldwide public) amd using their ill-gotten gains to pay whatever it costs to maintain one's membership at August National Golf Club.

Ahh, but the Ignorant Dolt stage is a bit crowded today, as Thomas Boswell, of the Washington Post, insisted he wasn't going to be denied entry to our Ignorant Dolt roster.



In his column today, he argues that Tiger Woods, for the fact of committing adultery, doesn't deserve to win the Masters;

AUGUSTA, GA. If Tiger Woods wins the Masters on Sunday after all the damage he's done to golf, I plan to rob a bank on Monday; maybe then I'll win a Pulitzer Prize.

[snip]

We know that bad things happen to good people. We cope with it. But when great things happen to people who have acted badly, especially if the bonanza comes fast and arrives ringed with robes of glory, don't we have to draw the line? I'm forgiving, but my brain hasn't turned into pimento cheese. If Woods has a tap-in to win the Masters, I hope his conscience helps him yip it and lip it. Win any other week. But not here. Not now.

[snip]

Still, a Woods win would be an awful fit among our great "comebacks" in sports. Such a victory would feel like vindication of oblivious self-centeredness. What a perverse lesson. On the bright side, it might kill the term "role model" for a generation.

Damage he's done to golf?



Unless Tiger was, in addition to dozens of mistresses, was running around to the golf courses of the country, and fucking the holes on the course, I don't see any damage.

If it wasn't for Tiger Woods, golf could very well be regulated to the Versus Network, or worse, on some other high number cable channel, squeezed in between blocks of infomercials.

It's the age-old canard of sports athletes having the burdensome job of having to be "role-models" on top of everything they do.

Babe Ruth ate hot dogs, drank beer, and hit the shit out of the ball.

Live with it.

I, personally, don't know anyone, family, friends, coworkers, their children, etc, that has every looked up to an athlete as a "role-model".

This role-model thing is meme of the media, as they huff-and-puff over it, all the while repetitiously writing about it, running it on a loop, all in the name of building ratings, selling ads and making money.

Scandals sell, and it wouldn't surprise me if the Masters gets it's highest-ever television ratings this year.

You want disappointment Payne, or damage Boswell?

Maybe, considering the attack on Woods, at the opening of this tournament, that he decides on a "Fuck You", and pulls out.

What story, then, will dominate - some nobody winning the tournament, or Tiger Woods?

Perhaps Boswell, you can share that pimento cheese out of your brain, with Payne, as the two of you cry into your beers at the 19th hole.

So, drop the pious bullshit, Mr. Payne, and Mr. Boswell, and get your sorry asses up here to pick up our Ignorant Dolt loot.


Bonus Riffs

Zandar: The Dumbest Game Ever Played

mistermix: Not Worthy

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Reasons Tiger Woods Is Coming Back To Golf In The Masters

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Reasons Tiger Woods Is Coming Back To Golf In The Masters

News Item: Major decision: Woods will play Masters

10. Still trying to verify announcement; Woods might be messed up by the early Daylight Savings Time

9. Augusta is one city that he doesn't have a mistress in?

8. Topeka, Kansas said they would diss Google, and name themselves Tiger Woods if he came back

7. Looking to crack, get referenced, in that "shitmydadsays" thing

6. Announcement in error; Tiger just was getting early start on his St. Patrick's Day celebrating

5. Needs a new green sport coat, since wife Elin took a scissors to all his others

4. It's a result of a compromise with Britt Hume

3. Was just waiting until Jay Leno went back to 11:30

2. It was either The Masters, or The Marriage Ref

1. Eric Massa tickled him until he agreed to come back to golf in The Masters

The Garlic's Recommend Late, "Save Your Butt" Christmas Gift Ideas

Okay, it's five-days out, and you're starting to panic.

Even though - this year - you started your Christmas shopping back in June, there's still a few names on your list (certainly, at this date, the "borderline" friends or family).

Now, you could cop-out, and give one of those ubiquitous gift cards (you know, the one's that lose value after a certain period of time, or penalize you if you misuse it in some fashion), but that's not your cup of tea.

You want something cool, something hip, something obscure, that only YOU could fine, something that will make you a star in the eyes of the receiver.

Well, you've come to the right place.

For the first time, The Garlic is entering the fray, with some clutch recommendations, items that will surely look swell under someone's Christmas tree.



















You can never go wrong giving a book, and the first tome from America's greatest political satirist is waiting for you.

Crimmins has toiled on stages, near and far, for over 30-years, skewering the political nitwits and media elites, and "Never Shake Hands With A War Criminal" takes you on much of that journey.

“Barry Crimmins uses his sharp sense of irony as a political weapon. In his hands, the subversive joke is the first small act of resistance.”—Billy Bragg

“Like a mixture of Tom Paine and Mark Twain, Crimmins mixes politics and humor with savage results.”—Michael Blowen, Boston Globe

“He breaks down reality in a hilarious way. He seems ticked off at everything, and when you hear him, you agree. One of the few political comedians who are really good.”—Steven Wright

Purchase the Seven Stories Press book Never Shake Hands With A War Criminal here

If you prefer to shop at Amazon, click here

And be sure to visit - and bookmark - Barry's website









This product is not endorsed by Tiger Woods (Just wanted to take care of the housecleaning first off).

If your Holidazed shopping leans towards the bizarrely funny, unique, or unusual, old Ding Ho buddy and Boston comedian, Mike McDonald, and his comedygolf.com present, “The World’s Funniest Golf Balls”.

McDonald, a 25 year Funnyman and contemporary to Denis Leary, Steven Wright and Lenny Clark has been seen on Showtime, HBO and the Comedy Channel and entertained our troops in 40 countries while touring with the USO. This year, Mike has applied his comedy Super Powers to a gift you can give America’s 27 million golfers, and these hilarious hip packages spare no duffer on your list from a laugh.

Fans of the Soprano’s can Whack the Hitman Golf Balls. The Axis of Evil lets you to “Take your favorite Dick-tator for a Drive”,...or get a special Christmas “Package” filled with Gay golf balls that “Cannot be hit straight”. Give your freshly divorced friends some “Swing Therapy” with Ex-Wife and Ex-Husband golf balls while Catholics can “Resurrect their Games” and receive “Deliverance from Sand Traps” with Miracle Balls. Chanukah fans are not left out in the cold. They can grab a sleeve of the “Chosen Balls”….

Everything is made in the USA and USGA approved so we’re sure they’re not filled with Chinese lead and Plutonium

To purchase, visit Mike McDonald's Comedy Golf


Perhaps you would prefer to give the Gift of Music? ... Well, we've got two tremendous recommendation for you


Laszlo Gardony










Larry Gordon has often said that "when God was ready to make the first, perfect, jazz pianist, along came Laszlo Gardony".

Banging the keyboard in his native Hungary at five-years-old, it didn't take long for Gardony to grow into a much-sought player, working with a who's-who of Jazz, and other genres, including the Boston Pops, the Danish Radio Big Band and The Wayfaring Strangers.

You can't go wrong with Laszlo Gardony, be it standards, or his impressive body of original compositions.

Visit Laszlo Gardony's website to make your purchase.



Shawnn Monteiro











If you never had the opportunity to catch Ella, Sarah, Carmen McRae, Betty Carter, et all, than you should make all effort to indulge in their torch-carrier, vocalist Shawnn Monteiro.

Shawnn Monteiro is the real deal.

Let me restate that - Shawnn Monteiro is THE REAL DEAL!

Born of Jazz royalty (her father, bassist Jimmy Woode, played with Duke Ellington, among others; And her godfather is the legendary Clark Terry), Shawnn can hit it with the best of them. Be it scat, standards or knocking out a ballad, you will be enthralled listening to Shawnn Monteiro, instantly knowing you are listening to a future legend.

Visit Shawnn's website and her MySpace Page

You can purchase Shawnn Monteiro CD's on Amazon or CD Universe

















It will soon be time to get hip to The Savvy Girls of Summer, two ladies from Seattle, who will be taking the country by storm in 2008, with the publication of their book, "Are Diamonds for Everyone?".

Deidre and Jackie merge baseball and life, in their own, unique way, and you can share in it as well.

Get prepared for a steroid-less 2008 baseball season, and keep score with The Savvy Girls of Summer Scorebook Journal.

Visit The Savvy Girls of Summer here

Order The Savvy Girls of Summer Scorebook Journal here



Give Yourself A Gift






Whether you just want to spiff-up your own work, of, perhaps you have a business and need a professional graphics artist, to build or upgrade a website, layout a book or magazine, or create a unique logo, perhaps cartoon character.

If so, give yourself the gift of Sean Collins, and his Tenten71 graphic services.

Tenten71 provides affordable graphic design services in print design, web design, Flash, and illustration. If you're looking for a professional artist who can take your ideas and turn them into a creative, beautiful and productive result, you've found him.

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And, lastly, here's a little holiday treat for you

CHRISTMAS NIGHT IN HARLEM - Louis Armstrong (1955)