Wednesday 16 March 2005

Summer's Takes Vote In-Stride; Won't Resign
Cites Questions of Fraud and Asks for Recount from full Faculity

Embattled Harvard University President Lawrence H. Summers said yesterday's harsh 'No Confidence' vote from the Faculty of Arts and Sciences was not a problem, that he has no intentions of resigning and called for a recount, citing possible irrregularities with the voting.

Summers touched off a firestorm of controversy in January when he suggested in a speech, that women might not have the same ''intrinsic aptitude" in science as men.

In a statement to reporters, Summers dug in, offering he "absolutely is giving no thought to resigning" and basically took the 'No Confidence' vote in-stride, as "just another day at the office".

Summers intimated that he may seek a recount, hinting at possible irregularties in the voting. Only about a quarter of the eligible faculty took part in the voting. It was reported that Summers stated he'd "… like to see more of the male faculity take part in the voting process".

When asked if he would work with the faculty, and their recommendations, Summer's offered, offhandedly;

"Yeah … Sure ...I'll work with them … Whatever … "


Martha Slouching It Through House Arrest

Executives at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia are getting worried as it appears their icon is not quite ready to return to work.

Inside sources reveal that Martha Stewart has been sleeping until 11AM, spending the day on the sofa, in her bathrobe, snacking and watching soap opera's.

"The sink is filled with dirty dishes … She's up until 3AM or later and spending money like crazy, with all those home-shopping shows … She's taken up smoking again and she's putting on weight …"

Stewart is serving five-months of house arrests, to complete the sentence on her conviction of lying to federal prosecutors on her inside trading case with iClone stock. As a condition, Stewart must wear and ankle monitor and is allowed only 47-hours per-week outside of her home, submitting her schedule of activities in advance, to her probation officer.

It's said that work assignments are being missed, or are submitted, well-below the standard of excellance that Ms. Stewart is known for.

"It would appear the only thing Martha cooks with now is a microwave oven … We needed some recipes for the magazine … She sent in clippings, things she cut out of the newspaper … No information if she tested it or how to accent it … The oatmeal cookies? … It was clearly taken off the container …"


Youths Said To Be Emulating Govt Rendition Program

As reported by The Garlic (14 March, Youths Nabbed In Corporate Icon Hit), authorities have yielded some clues into two Stockton California youths' bloody rampage on corporate icons that has left the MSN Butterfly and Geico's Gecko in serious and guard conditions.

Sources close to the investigation have indicated that in early interrogations, the two teens were have to stated they were emulating the Bush Administration's Extraordinary Rendition program.

Neighbors and school mates were shocked by the arrest, and the brutality of the crimes. The two youths, ages 15 and 16, are from middle-class, Republican families and above-average students. Both are said to be involved in numerous schools activities and with a large circle of friends.

"Their computers and emails offered a lot of information", said one investigator. "There was a lot on the government's extraordinary rendition program … Websites that were bookmarked … News articles … And it appears they were emailing former Attorney General Ashcroft's office with suggestions and offers to volunteer …"

The Justice Department offered no comment as to any communications with the youths and are not part of the investigation, which is being directed by the Stockton Police and the FBI.

The quick action by authorities in apprehending the two suspects was timely, as found in one of the youth's computer's was a 'Hit List' of other corporate icons they had targeted. The list was not released to news outlets, but a police spokesperson did stated that those on the list were notified of the investigation, and, is a few cases, security protection was extended to them.

Investigators would neither confirms or deny if the Taco Bell puppy was a target. Reports circulated yesterday, that in public appearances, the Taco Bell puppy had three extra handlers and two pit bulldogs as part of his entourage.