Monday 11 April 2005

OJ To Outsource Hunt For Killers
Better Productivity, Cost Efficiency Cited

O.J. Simpson announced that he is outsourcing the work for the hunting of his ex-wife's killer.

In June, 1994, Nicole Simpson was found brutally murdered, along with her friend, Ron Goldman in Brentwood, Calf. Simpson was later charged with the murders and, in a media-driven frenzy, tried and found innocent, in what was deemed the 'trial of the century'. Subsequently, Simpson was convicted and found guilty in a civil trial for the murders

Simpson vowed that he would hunt down the killer or killers and clear his name.

Over the last 10+-years, Simpson has doggedly and tirelessly, searched for the killers, primarily on golf courses and in the state of Florida. Relentlessly, he has left no stone unturned and has yet to come up with any suspects or substantial leads.

In a statement, Simpson felt that now was a good time to take advantage of the growing market of outsourcing. Recently, The Gartner Group speculated that the outsourcing market will grow another 8-10% in 2005 and reaching over $134 billion in generated revenue.

Former Clinton Secretary of Labor Robert Reich hailed Simpson's choice for the outsourcing of the hunt for the killers, saying he was 'pleased to see O.J. joining the global economy'.

Simpson made the announcement to outsource the hunt for the killers following his attendance at the funeral of his lawyer, Johnnie Corcoran last week. Prior to his death, Corcoran reportedly endorsed Simpson's plan to outsource, saying, 'if you can't run the course, you must outsource'.

In a separate matter, the Menendez brothers (Lyle and Erik) have filed a suit against Simpson. The Menendez brothers were convicted of killing their parents and was secondary high-profile, media-driven case running concurrent to the O.J. Simpson trial.

In the suit, the Menendez brothers claim the Simpson stole the idea for the slow, freeway, Ford Bronco chase that preceded his arrest. The Menendez brothers indicated that this was their idea, but that they 'forget to ask Dad' for the keys to the car.


PB&J Sandwiches Temporarily Banned
Smucker Gets Injunction While Appealing Loss

Tens-of-thousands of schools, daycare centers, amusement parks, even private citizens, were issued court orders to stop serving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

This follows the emergency appeal filed by J.M. Smucker Co. after last weeks' rejection by the US Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit. Smucker had sought a patent for their peanut butter and jelly pockets called Uncrustables.

Smucker's Uncrustables are, essentially, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, with the crusts cut off and sealed with crimping method that Smucker's claims is unique. Smucker's purchased the crimping patent in 1995, from two North Dakota bakers.

Patent examiners and the Court of Appeals were unconvinced this was a unique process, indicating the similarity to pie crusts. Smucker was initially rejected for the crimping patent by the Board of Trademark Appeals and Interferences.

The patent office receives nearly a half-million patent applications each year and it is about 2½ years for a patent to be processed. Roughly 65 percent of all patents submitted are approved.

A Smucker's spokesperson indicated that the company "understood" that thousands of children will be deprived of one of their favorite foods but that the company "had to take a stand again activist judges and boards" and to protect the substantial investment Smucker has made in creating its' peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"They'll have to switch over to Fluffanutters, I guess", the spokesperson added.

Smucker holds no claims for peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches.