Friday 15 April 2005

Jackson Trial Nixes Tradition
Papal Conclave Party Moves To The Netherlands

Vatican officials announced today that the 'Boys Night Out' party, the long-standing, traditional pre-conclave bash has been moved to The Netherlands due to the extended trial of Michael Jackson.

With Pope John Paul II's failing health, the Papal Party Planner had booked Jackson's Neverland Ranch over three-years ago. However, with the trial still in-session, alternate plans were put in place that will have the College of Cardinals whooping it up in Amsterdam this weekend, before beginning the conclave to select the new Pope on Monday.

Many of the cardinals were disappointed.

Speaking for the group, Cardinal Bernard Law said that "…we were really looking forward to Neverland. We have heard so much about it and were very excited about going there".

A Neverland Ranch spokesperson, who confirmed the booking and indicated the group was still welcome, admitted that there wasn't much of a 'party atmosphere' at Neverland while the trial is still going on.

'Boys Night Out is steeped in tradition as a pre-conclave event.

Before the advent of air travel, the Vatican would rent out the Coliseum for 'Boys Night out'. Copious amounts of food and wine were consumed and the Cardinals partied for days.

In 1963, following the death of Pope John XXIII, the conclave members flew to Las Vegas and there was speculation that Pope Paul I's papacy was the result of a lost wager.

Pope John Paul II's 'Boys Night Out' was held in Monte Carlo.

Amsterdam officials were excited by the news that they would be hosting the pre-conclave party.

"I don't think Amsterdam will ever see so much red" offered a spokesperson.


Derby Considers Child Jockeys From Qatar
Bush Admn Offers No Child Left Behind Funding, Immigration Waiver

The horse racing industry was rocked yesterday when officials at Churchill Downs hinted that they may experiment with this years' Kentucky Derby by using child jockeys.

This comes on the heels of Qatar and the United Arab Emirates moving to robots to replace the child jockeys of their popular camel racing industry.

The Bush Administration is reportedly backing the venture. Desperate for some good news for it's No Child Left Behind program, they may offer some funding for the project, as well as easing immigration rules that would allow Churchill Downs to bring in the child jockeys in time for the Kentucky Derby.

A spokesperson for the Association of Racing Commissioners International indicated the board would have a 'wait-and-see' position. Officials at Aqueduct, Pimlico, Hollywood Park were all cautious in their statements, voicing similar attitudes.

Jockey clubs denounced the move.

Lafitt Pincay, recently retired due to injury, and the world's winningest jockey said he was disgusted.

"First lampposts, and booze decanters … Now this - children …"

The rather sudden availability of veteran child jockeys comes as Qatar and the United Arab Emirates move to robots, chiefly over concern and international criticism that they were exploiting and abusing children. A Swiss company has developed and successfully tested the camel-riding robots.

Churchill Downs officials dismissed concerns, indicating the child jockeys would be well-cared for and treated as regular jockeys and employees of the track.

With the funding from No Child Left Behind, special tutors will be brought in so that, between races and workouts, the children can receive a normal education.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated the President was thrilled with "some positive news regarding No Child Left Behind".

Reportedly, talks are underway between Churchill Downs and Armstrong Williams, for Williams to conduct PR work for the derby and the child jockey program.