Wednesday 18 May 2005

GoldenPlace.Com Issues Bonus For Flushed Koran

$100K Up For "Story-of-the-Year"; Offers To Buy Prisoner Too

GoldenPalace.Com, the on-line Canadian casino known for its outrageous promotions, issued a call last night and will pay $100,000 for the Koran at the center of the Newsweek article controversy.

A spokesperson said that it would be the "story-of-the-year to land that particular Koran" and that they'd "buy the prisoner too" if they could.

GoldenPalace.Com has released the offer in English, Spanish and Arabic.

Reports have been coming in that the Guantanamo Bay prison, where this alleged act took place, is in chaos.

Thousands of Cubans have descended around the area, digging up pipes in an effort to find the holy book. A flotilla of boats have been seen leaving Miami and heading towards Cuba, it's occupants holding picks and shovels.

Some wire services are reporting that U.S. Military staff have gone about ripping out toilets and plumbing.

GoldenPalace.Com has staff flying to Cuba, to hand out t-shirts with their name emblazoned on them for those digging to find the Koran.

"This is getting international media", offered the spokesperson. "We can't let that go by"

Over the past few years, due to the advertising restrictions placed on on-line gambling companies, GoldenPalace.Com has engaged in an aggressive marketing and promotions campaign, which as included tattooing the backs of boxers, paying a woman to name her baby GoldenPalace.Com, buying pieces of toast with images and sending a topless woman, with GoldenPlace.Com written on her chest, through a major golf tournament.

The White House was too busy lambasting Newsweek to offer comment.

With the President, Vice President, Secretary's Rice and Rumsfeld, Press Spokesman McClellan and a bevy of military brass all ganging up to badger Newsweek for printing the story, the White House Press Office released a schedule this morning of more people who will criticize Newsweek.

On tap to lay into Newsweek today are the White House Gardener and Chef, two of the First Lady's assistants, three sub-contractors from the Joint-Chief-of-Staff and six janitors.


Court Wine Decision Causes National Gridlock

Highways Jammed; Internet Slowed To Crawl With Wine Orders

An unintended consequence has developed since Monday, when the Supreme Court voted to allow the shipping of wine out-of-state as scores-of-thousands of wine drinkers have flocked to the internet to place orders.

With the wine companies poised for the ruling, they began shipping wine moments after the ruling was announced, resulting in national gridlock and the internet slowed to a crawl due to the vast number of wine orders being placed on-line.

FedEx and UPS are reporting record business, as their trucks and vans sit on blocked highways.

Reports from Route 75 in the Cincinnati area say the roads look like a "FedEx parking lot" and there is some reports of attempted hijackings.

Along Route 66 in New Mexico, the state was forced to close all public buildings, and schools, due to the gridlock.

"It's a mess", declared one state official.

Most industry observers believe the rush will soon die down, as the ruling doesn't necessarily open all the doors for the winemakers. Likely, the ruling places the issue back into the hands of state courts, where laws vary from state-to-state.

Some 15 states currently prohibit all direct-to-consumer wine shipments and in the remaining states, there is a patchwork of law around in-state and out-of-state shipping, while some states allow reciprocity, which permit direct sales only from wineries in states that in turn permit out-of-state direct shipments.

The ruling has taxed the entire system as wineries are working to full capacity to be able to make its shipments and wine drinkers are taking advantage of the situation while it lasts.

Contributing to the slowing down of the internet, is fraud.

Reports are coming in that the Nigerians scam artists have flooded the internet with pleas to "help the Prince release his wine" and promising high returns in this alleged winery.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan issued a statement saying that "as soon as we finish beating up Newsweek, we'll take a look at this wine situation".

When pressed, McClellan admitted that a number of staff in the White House have placed wine orders but denied they were contributing to the gridlock.

"The White House", McClellan stated, "has its' wine flown in".