10. If I can just stall things until next month ... Once I get the reading on what Punxsutawney Phil comes up with, then I can set up what the way forward will be...
9. Go for all the marbles. Take the winner of the B.C.S Championship between Ohio State and Florida and challenge the insurgents to a Winner-Take-All Bowl Game
8. Instead of Press Conferences, institute “Media Scavenger Hunts”. The Press will have a ball, running around Washington, trying to find pieces of your policies, Tony Snow won’t have to bang his head on the podium, it will leave David Gregory winded and less grouchy and I’ll be freed up to do more serious Iraq thinking... or clearing brush ...
7. I scored some points with plastering that Zarqawi Photo all around... Maybe I should do the same thing with one of Saddam Hussein
6. Still stuck on coming up with the new Iraq Strategy? Then pull a Steinbrenner and fire Robert Gates immediately. Sure, he hasn’t been in long enough, but you can bellow he’s acting too slow. At minimum, it gives me another 30-60-days to come up with something on the new ideas for Iraq. And, to stay in the Steinbrenner mode, bring back Donald Rumsfeld
5. Find a really obscure cleric - we’re talking the Dan Quayle of Iraq - and have him announce he’s converted the U.S. Troops to Islam and adopted them as HIS militia ... Now I can start fighting on militia terms and really kick some ass
4. Since that first face transplant, over in France, seems to be a success, I’ll have the Secret Service stage a terrible auto accident, that requires me to have a face transplant. Because of the damage from the accident, and my facial bone structure, doctors can only work it out that I look exactly like my brother, Jeb ... Yeah, yeah, now you see where I’m going with this ... Jeb gets his playing time in the big leagues ... I go chill out in Crawford for the next two-years, where, miraculously, due to advances in the procedure, the doctors are able to restore me back to my original face at the end of the term
3. Gotta start using “The Google” more... Do my own research ... Can’t trust what these guys are telling me half-the-time... And I can’t understand them the other half...
2. Bite the bullet and meet with Cindy Sheehan. No, not Cindy Sheehan, but Cindy Sheehan, age 74 of Lima, Ohio. Go in with the big guns - Air Force One, big motorcade, lunch in the local diner and lots of photos of me and the elderly Sheehan. Next day, tens-of-millions of people see somewhere - newspapers, on-line, television - that I met with Cindy Sheehan and the issue goes away (P.S.Talk to “Turd Blossom” on this, he’ll know what to do with it)
1. Start hanging out with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. They’ll only think it’s cool for awhile, so I have to take advantage of it while I can. Hit a lot of clubs, don’t wear any underwear and get tons of paparazzi coverage, perhaps building a new “Tabloid Constituency”
I scored some points with plastering that Zarqawi Photo all around... Maybe I should do the same thing with one of Saddam Hussein