Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard In The Returns Department of Retail Stores Today

News Item: Store rules may mean fewer happy returns

10. I'm sorry, the reason of Jamie Lynn Spears being pregnant isn't one of the acceptable reasons we can accept this return

9. At first, I bought this, to be patriotic, and was just following President Bush's directive to "go shopping" ... Now, I want to return it, because the President says we should give it back

8. Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman are launching some kind of culture war and I want to return this so I'm not caught in the middle of it

7. We're sorry, but the "Death Star Galaxy hitting us" is not on our list of acceptable reasons to return an item

6. We're taking the Fran Towsend approach on returns this year - How do we know this item was in the store before you bought it?

5. We might agree with you that Jonah Goldberg is a major asshole, but we can't put him on a list to turn down if he tries to return something

4. It doesn fit, my husband has a wide stance

3. We're sorry, Mr. Libby ... The best we can do is allow you to exchange your gift, give you a store credit or cash ... We can't issue you a Pardon...

2. We are now following the policy of the Vice President. The Returns Department isn't an entity of the store, therefore we don’t have to accept your returned item

1. I'm sorry Mr. Clemens, you can't return the Mitchell Report here ... It has nothing to do with us