Thursday 16 June 2005

Frist Threatened 'Nuclear Option' Over Lynching Bill

Said No Videotape To Review To Authenticate Measure

As Senators Mary Landrieu (D-MS) and George Allen (R-VA) read into the record a bill formally apologizing for lynching, and the U.S. Senate's failure to adopt measures to stop it, they did so to an empty chamber, filled with only a small handful of relatives of lynching victims. It was after-hours and with no cameras rolling.

"The Senate failed you and your ancestors and our nation," said Landrieu of Louisiana, the chief Democratic sponsor of the resolution, at a luncheon attended by 200 family members and descendants of victims. They included 100 relatives of Anthony Crawford, as well as a 91-year-old man believed to be the only known survivor of an attempted lynching

Senate Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) blocked having a roll-call vote and threatened to use the 'Nuclear Option if Landrieu, Allen or anyone else pushed the matter.

Frist stated he was "leery" about the bill.

"I don't have any videotape I can review to make a proper evaluation", Frist stated.

Frist had, earlier this year, made a comprehensive diagnosis of the late Terri Schiavo via videotape that was at odds with the doctors who had and were examining the severely brain-damaged young woman, who's Right-To-Die case capture the nation.

Frist also diagnosed the late Pope John Paul II via videotape.

The Lynching Apology Bill ended up having only 80 co-sponsors of the resolution.

"It's a statement in itself that there aren't 100 co-sponsors," Senator John Kerry, Democrat of Massachusetts, said. "It's a statement in itself that there's not an up-or-down vote."

Frist was adamant on not having a floor vote for the measure and stubbornly held his position.

Frist also made himself unavailable for comment, as his staff indicated he was awaiting the videotape of the Schiavo autopsy report for further evaluation of that case.


Tomlinson Investigated Over CPC Lobbyists

Chairman Continues Push For Congress To Slash All PBS Funding

Investigators in the Corporation for Public Broadcasting's Inspector General office are looking into contracts signed by Chairman Kenneth Tomlinson, for nearly $15,000 to two Republican lobbyists.

The move comes as Tomlinson refuses to criticize Congress for the recently announced budget cuts, against staff advise, and pushes forward to have Congress eliminate all PBS funding.

"This is our best chance to kill it off" Tomlinson was reported to have said.

Last month, CPC's general counsel, Donna Gregg, left the corporation and last week, senior vice-president for corporate and public affairs also resigned. Both have said that Tomlinson repeatedly ignored their advise.

The new investigation comes on top on a on-going one, in which, without board approval, Tomlinson paid a White House staff aide over $14,000 to give him reports on the political stripes of guests appearing on the PBS 'Now' program, hosted at the time by Bill Moyers.

Tomlinson has charged that 'Now', and in particular, Bill Moyers, was too liberal and left-leaning.

Moyers, who has bashed Tomlinson and the Republican-loaded CPC for their partisanship and as continually sought a meeting with Tomlinson to discuss the matter, most recently on the Chris Matthew's 'Hardball' program. Moyers also suggested that Tomlinson could have saved the money and just "call me up" to find out who was appearing on 'Now'.

The new investigation of Tomlinson is looking at the $10,000 paid to Brian Dowling, for his work on a bill last year that would have given public radio and television stations more of a voice on the corporation's board. The measure dies and it was opposed by Tomlinson and also, the White House.

Dowling was formerly a top aide to Senator Mel Martinez, Republican of Florida who was forced to resign after it was revealed that he wrote a memorandum on how Republicans could exploit the Terri Schiavo situation.

The other lobbyist signed by Tomlinson, and paid $5,000, was Mark Buse, a former aide to Sen. John McCain, but hired at the suggestion of board member and former chairwoman of the CPC, Katherine Anderson.

Timing of the investigations are most inconvenient to Tomlinson, who is aiming to fill the vacant CPC President's position with a former RNC chairperson, Patricia Harrison. While Democrats are urging a delay in the voting, Harrison is expected to win the approval of the Republican-controlled board.

Tomlinson has dismissed his critics and, publicly says that he is "concerned" about the funding issue.

"We'll be joining with our colleagues in the public broadcasting community to make the case for a higher level of funding as the appropriations measure makes its way through Congress."

One insider, who asked to remain anonymous, said the Tomlinson, and the board, are out to remake the image of PBS.

"They're looking for it to be the 'Fox News' of the public airwaves … Hard-hitting, conservative content .. In-your-face bashing of liberals and flat-out promotion of the Republican agenda …"

"Forget about Buster … He'll end up being on Tomlinson keychain".

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Plot Lines Of Proposed Jackson Family Reality TV Show

10. Janet and LaToya work on an idea for a Carl's Jr. commercial

9. Liz drops by for lunch - and ends up staying for dinner as well

8. Michael works on his new line of pajamas

7. Family lounges around, watching chimps do the housework

6. Michael, closing the door of his bedroom, takes a call from a "young fan"

5. Family confronts Michael about it being time to become black again

4. Marlon and Jackie, feeling neglected, plan a 'Jackson 2' tour

3. With the case over, for nostalgia, Joe beats the children again

2. Jermaine nervously takes his first-ever ferris-wheel ride at Neverland

1. Tito and Randy help Michael clean out his pornographic collection

Wednesday 15 June 2005

Rather Won't Retire So Viacom To Split Company

Veteran Newsman Stays Put, Says Best Work Still Ahead

Frustrated that CBS veteran newsman won't retire, Summer Redstone and the board of directors at Viacom voted yesterday to split the company in two.

One company will contain Viacom's MTV, Nickleodeon, Showtime, Paramount Pictures and Simon & Schuster. The other will carry CBS, its television stations and radio networks and outdoor advertising.

"He just won't leave", fumed Redstone after the announcement of the split.

Rather, who retired from anchoring the CBS Evening News back in March, refused comment, other than saying that "my best work still lies ahead".

Rather first joined CBS in 1962 and inherited the anchor chair after legendary newsman Walter Cronkite retired in March of 1981.

Sagging ratings and a controversy over documents on President Bush's National Guard Duty, during the 2004 Presidential campaign ultimately forced Rather's retirement.

Rather and CBS News reported the documents as a scoop, however, a detailed study determined to them be forged, resulting in the firing of four of Rather's colleagues. Rather, while reporting the results of a the study of the documents, never admitted that they were fake

In announcing his retirement from the CBS Evening News, Rather did not retire from CBS and was moved over to the CBS program 60 Minutes.

"You would have thought, after the scandal, he's leave" said Redstone. "We offered a very generous retirement package but he refused it".

"They should have fired him years ago, when he walked off the set".

Redstone was referring to the incident in 1987, when upset that the network was cutting into his news broadcast due to a tennis match, Rather walked off the set, leaving the network dark for nearly six-minutes.

Redstone offered, that by splitting the company, they can assign Rather to any property and is considering placing Rather with "something on MTV

News In Brief 15 June 2005

Levitra Dumps Saatchi & Saatchi

It appears that Saatchi & Saatchi, of Publicis Group's Consumer Healthcare division, wasn't ready for that special moment, as Levitra removed them from the ad campaign. The loss for Saatchi & Saatchi is reported to be in the neighborhood of $140-Million.

"We weren't just strong and lasting" offered a Saatchi spokesperson. "We didn't have the quality when it counted".

Problems with account surfaced when it was determined that the ad executives could only work on the account for four-hours at a time. On other occasions, those working on Levitra suffered from a blue tinge, or got flush, had stuffy or runny noses.

Schering-Plough, who produces the drug, initially was very satisfied with Saatchi's work.

However, with stiff competition in the marketplace, the work became harder

"We really worked to maintain the quality of the account"

Top Ten Cloves: Alternatives To Guantanamo That Bush Administration Are Considering

10. Put them in Cheney's secret bunker when he's not using it

9. Defense Dept. - Use detainees to deliver bad news to Rumsfeld; Might be enough of them to last a year

8. Put the detainees, as a retro, throwback, in chain-gangs down in the South

7. Make them feel like prisoners and have them make international license plates

6. There's enough prisoners for everyone in Congress to bring home as a house servant

5. Cleveland - Nobody will notice or care

4. Add them to the Clear Skies Act and put them in Alaska - Someone is going to have to cut down all those trees

3. Could house them in Colorado Springs and train them for dance aerobics for the next Olympic Games

2. Turn Gitmo into a Reality TV show so U.S. Military can generate revenue with product placements

1. Immigration - Line them up along the border for a Red Rover Game; Any Mexican that breaks through can stay in the country

Tuesday 14 June 2005

Jackson Cleared; Ponders Future

Considers Children's Album and Moving Neverland To Vegas

Michael Jackson was acquitted yesterday on all charges, ten in total, that he sexually molested a young boy by a jury in Santa Maria, California. The jury in the case, which lasted nearly two-years from arrest-to-verdict, rejected the claims, citing the witnesses as uncredible.

The verdict was a stunning defeat for Santa Barbara County District Attorney, Thomas Sneddon Jr., who has pursued Jackson for over 12-years, since the first time allegations were made against the entertainer. In that case, Jackson dodged the criminal investigation when he made a reported $20-Million settlement with the witness and family

What's next for the King of Pop?

Insiders, and those close to Jackson, say that he has been working on an album of children's music

"He really loves children and wants to do as much as he can for them", said brother Tito.

"I heard, just the other day, a wonderful version of 'Little Boy Blue' … He really has a nice touch with it".

There has also been reports that Jackson will reunite with his brothers for a 'Jackson 5' tour and that it may sign for an extended engagement in Las Vegas.

It has also been rumored that Jackson has plans to move his entire Neverland estate - all animals and amusement rides included - to Las Vegas.

"With Vegas going to being "family-friendly", with other properties there offering amusement qualities, Neverland would fit right in", offered another Jackson family spokesperson.

Reports have circulated, now that Harrah's closed its merger with Caesars, talks have begun with Jackson.

"He would reinvent Vegas", said one longtime observer. "They move Neverland here and they pull in the Europeans and the Asians … It would be like printing money"

What about Jackson and his eccentricities?

"Hey, like it says, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"



Schwarzenegger Calls for Special Elections

New Republican Strategy as Cue Taken From Frist To End-Run Rules;

Signaling what may be a new Republican strategy, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has called for a special election in November, to have voters decided on his proposed changes to the state's government.

Schwarzenegger's call for special elections comes on the heels of the state's legislator refusing to pass measures to enact the proposed changes.

Critics have charged that the elections will be costly, running anywhere from $45-Million, to $70-or-$80-Million and, as not being part of a regularly-scheduled election, low voter turn-out is expected.

Assembly Speaker Fabian Núñez, a Democrat from Los Angeles, said that "once again our airwaves will be crowded with negative, deceptive political ads".

The top Democrat in that chamber, president pro tem of the state Senate, Don Perata of Oakland, said that the governor was using the Legislature as an excuse "to star in another war movie."

Republicans charge that the Democrat-controlled legislature is not leading and merely attacking the Governor as he goes about making needed changes. The three measures that will be on the ballot of the special election were among several "Year of Reform" proposals Mr. Schwarzenegger made during his state of the state speech in January and are backed by Republicans and the state's business community

Some Democrats and critics cite the special elections as a new Republican strategy.

"Hey, if you can't get want you want through normal channels, you pull an end-run", said one state senator. "You come up with a catchy title - Year of Reform, Contract For America, etc. and you hoodwink the voters"

Others see this move by Schwarzenegger as a "trial balloon" for a new Republican strategy.

"All you have to do is look at the top Republican in the Senate, Bill Frist", offered a consultant to the Democrats. "He's ready to pull the 'Nuclear Option', changing rules over 200-years-old, to get what the Republicans want. Arnold's doing the same thing. If he gets away with it, why have a legislature? Just have special elections every other month to run your state government"

A spokesperson in the Governor's office indicated the Governor was ignoring the criticism.

"Governor Schwarzenegger, as a naturalized citizen, thinks it's a gas that he can call a special election"

News In Brief 14 June 2005

"More Losses" Light Flashing For Krispy Kreme

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts announced yesterday that it will be late filing its quarterly report with the S.E.C. and anticipates a nearly 20% decline in first-quarter revenue.

The Winston-Salem, N.C based company cites an overall loss for the period, attributing the loss to lower store averages and manufacturing and distribution elements.

The Garlic first reported trouble with Krispy Kreme, back in February (see 11 February 2005 - Krispy Kreme Turning Off The Light; Doughnuts To Be Room Temperature)

Krispy Kreme has not filed a quarterly report with the S.E.C. since September 2004, because it has been working to restate past results. The S.E.C. is also investigating the company's accounting and franchise repurchases.

Top Ten Cloves: Other British Memo Comments on Bush Administration Strategies

10. Said there'll be "hell to pay" if they nominate Bolton to the U.N.

9. Suggested to Bush to "dump Powell - he's not a team player"

8. Listed where all the good art works were in Baghdad for the U.S. to grab before they were pillaged by someone else

7. Asked Bush to "get a handle" on Rumsfeld, that he scares people

6. Bush should take up bicycle riding as a means of "plausible deniability"

5. Believed Military could abuse prisoners, deny it and "blame it on a major U.S. media publication"

4. If any of the memos get leaked, blur the timeline and deny them

3. Recommended using Glen Campbell's music to torture prisoners at Guantanamo

2. Strongly urged a certain Bush Cabinet member to stop sending emails containing Charles & Camilla limericks to Tony Blair

1. Worried Bush team doesn't have enough paid journalists to cover their policies

Monday 13 June 2005

Bush To Merge Two Agenda Items To Get Approval

Private Patriot Acts For Those Who Open Private SS Savings Accounts

With his approval ratings dropping, with more American's disapproving of the War in Iraq, and the lack of RSVP's from terrorist groups so he can map out his next years' actions on the War Against Terror, President Bush plans on merging his most recent efforts, two agenda items, as a means to fast-track their approval.

The White House will announce this week that, in pushing for the President's plan for the changes in the Social Security system, he will offer individual, customized Private Patriot Acts to those who open a private, Social Security Savings Account.

"The President believes", offered Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "that he can make better use of his time and schedule by combining the two agenda items. He can cover more ground, stretch more truths and otherwise obfuscate both issues".

It will be like having your own 'Letters of Transit'", joked McClellan, referring to the popular Humphrey Bogart movie, 'Casablanca', "for when they 'round up the usual suspects".

The American public hasn't rushed to embrace President Bush's rhetoric or plans for changes in the Social Security System, Other critics have charged that the administration has used misleading projections, that paint a bleaker picture of the system than what actual exists.

While that agenda item stalls, the President has had to go out an lobby for Congress to extend, and add to, the Patriot Act.

As reported by The Garlic last week (10 June 2005 - Bush Lobbies For Patriot Act), the President, as a means to add leverage to his lobbying, has sent questionnaires out to the world's terrorist groups, so that he can show the need for Congress to pass the legislation, and in the process, extend 16 provisions that will expire by the years' end. Additionally, the President is expected to move those 16 sunset provisions into the Clear Skies Act if Congress fails to pass the bill.

As to the Private Patriot Act for new subscribers to opening of Private Social Security Savings Account, McClellan indicated the President feels that will be "easy to pull off".

McClellan said that the core Act that will be in it and, depending on the size of the initial deposit, there'll be a menu of options that can be added to customize it.

"For instance, we can offer a waiver on a search of their medical records, or books they've taken out of the library. If they have the misfortune of being deemed an 'enemy combatant', we can allow them to have a lawyer".

"I know I'm going to get one", admitted McClellan. 'When you see how powerful this Patriot Act is, just how many of our rights it strips away, I sure want to have a lawyer on my side".


New York Back In Olympic Running With Stadium For Mets

National Leaguers Must Rep USA In 2012 Games For Deal To Go Through

Late last night, Mayor Michael Bloomberg put New York back in the running for the 2012 Olympic Games with a proposal that will build a new stadium in Queens for the New York Mets, and, if they win the bid, be the centerpiece for the Olympics.

Also, contingent to winning the rights to host the Games, the Mets would represent the USA in the Olympics. Bloomberg worked throughout the weekend to secure approval from Major League Baseball and the U.S. Olympic Committee.

The new stadium would be ready and open in 2009 and, with having the Mets be the USA team, they will avoid having to vacate the stadium for the Olympics, working the Olympic schedule along with their National League schedule.

"We could have some interesting Day/Night doubleheaders", offered Mets owner Fred Wilson.

"It might not be the 'Dream Team'" said Bloomberg, "but we'll do what it takes to get these Games here in New York City."

Bloomberg was dealt a blow last week when the New York Assembly would not approve the plan for the renovation of the West Side Project, that included a stadium for the Olympics. Also, the IOC was leery about placing the Games in New York after the Russell Crowe incident, where the actor hurled a telephone at a hotel employee (see The Garlic , 7 June 2005, NYC Stadium Plan Dealt Double Blows)

In working the deal this weekend, Bloomberg first approached George Steinbrenner about using Yankee Stadium for the Olympics but, according to the Mayor, Steinbrenner's demands could not be accommodated.

"He wanted the Yankees, of course, to represent the USA and he wanted a ton of cash, plus the ability to sign players during the Olympics. Literally, a guy could be pitching for Cuba one day, and the Yankees the next if we went with his plan".

Both Wilson and Bloomberg would neither confirm or deny the rumor that the Mets will sit down pitching ace, Pedro Martinez and keep him off the roster until the 2012 Games.

News In Brief 13 June 2005

Tyson Says Media Twisted His Words

After his humiliating defeat Saturday evening, to Irish journeyman Kevin McBride, when he refused to come out for the seventh round, boxer Mike Tyson announced he is retiring from the sport after 20-years.

Tyson confirmed yesterday that is, indeed retiring, but said the media took his words out of context.

In the post-match press conference, Tyson speculated, in a rambling speech, that he may undertake "missionary work in Bosnia or Rwanda".

"You guys always put words in my mouth" said the angry Tyson. "I didn't say that but you write want you want to write.

When asked to clarify what he said, Tyson offered;

"I said that I was going to watch the DVD of Hotel Rwanda. I like that guy, that actor and I got me a brand new DVD player … I mean I have a friend that has a brand new DVD player".

Tyson, paid $5-Million for the match, is over $20-Million in debt to the IRS and other creditors.


Some G8 Members Concerned About Cancelled Debt

Some members of the G8, who on Saturday formally agreed to cancel at least $40-Billion in debt by a bevy of poor nations, expressed concern, including U.S. Treasury Secretary John Snow.

Having their debt burden reduce were 18 of the world's poorest countries'. They are Benin, Bolivia, Burkina Faso, Ethiopia, Ghana, Guyana, Honduras, Madagascar, Mali, Mauritania, Mozambique, Nicaragua, Niger, Rwanda, Senegal, Tanzania, Uganda and Zambia.

All promised to take anticorruption measures but Secretary Snow isn't so sure.

"I've heard rumors" stated Snow, "that some of these countries have already gone out an bought new cars, clothes, taken expensive vacations. This concerns me.

The United States agreed to pay up to $1.75 billion in compensation to international lenders over the next 10 years. Great Britain agreed to pay up to $960 million and other members of the Group of 8 countries have made undisclosed pledges, with more pledges expected from other members, including the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund

Top Ten Cloves: Surprising Things Dick Cheney Will Say In His Hannity Interview Tonight

10. He knows who beat-up the whistleblower in New Mexico and he's contacted them about Howard Dean

9. He's working on, before the end of his term, to have his head become as large as Jack Germond's

8. Not only is he against closing Gitmo, he's planning on taking the Misses there for a little romantic getaway soon

7. Got the Paris Hilton commercial Tivo'd and watches it as often as he can in his secret bunker

6. He's really Pro-Choice and For Same-Sex Marriages

5. He knows, deep in his bones, the WMD's are still sitting there somewhere in Iraq

4. If the Senate gets stalled, he has a bill he'll introduce to outsource the courts over to Haliburton

3. Disagrees with Howard Dean; In his heart, he, and a lot of other Republicans, are really Black Baptists

2. Sometimes, when waking up from a nap and seeing himself on TV, he gets the bejeezes scared out of him

1. Until the War On Terror is over, he'll continue pissing on a Koran everyday

Friday 10 June 2005

Bush Lobbies For Patriot Act

RSVP's To Terrorists Not In; May Move Sunset Provisions To Clear Skies Act

Speaking at the Ohio State Patrol Academy in Columbus yesterday, President Bush lobbied for the Congress to renew the Patriot Act, as is, saying it has been an effective tool for law enforcement to fight terrorism and ignoring critics of the bill who say the act
Inhibits and tramples on rights granted in the Constitution.

Bush cited specifically 16 provisions of the Patriot Act that are due to expire at the end of this year.

"We've put out a questionnaire to the terrorist community, to gauge what we'll need", said the President. "We've given them the opportunity to participate … To be part of the process … To build, as opposed to obstruct but we've had very few returned".

As to the 16 critical provisions, often referred to as the "sunset provisions", Bush indicated he may move them over to the administrations 'Clear Skies Act' as means to preserve them.

"That should be pretty easy to do", offered Bush. "I mean, the sun is in the sky, I think we can all agree on that".

One element of the Patriots Act that has drawn fire is the authorization of 'roving wiretaps' and electronic surveillance. Before the Patriot Act, law enforcement needed to get a judge's permission to monitor each phone number targeted. Bush cited that this put "our national security at stake" with a wall between fighting terrorism and intelligence gathering.

"Tear down that wall" said Bush, lobbying to keep the provision.

Bush acknowledged that the disappointing results of the questionnaire sent to terrorist may be a result of poor mail service in areas of conflict and, the desire of the terrorists not to want to give up their locations.

"We've now posted this on one of our websites, so they can download it or fill it out on-line", offered the President

Bush promised the audience of law enforcement that he will monitor and pursue vigorously the passing and renewal of the Patriot Act.

"I plan on cutting down my bicycle riding so I can stay on top of this"



Aruba Struggles With Investigation But Plans For Future

Talks Started With CBS; Planning CSI Theme Park To Bolster Tourism

As Aruban law enforcement, with the assistance of the F.B.I, continue the search for missing Alabama teen Natalee Holloway, government and tourism officials nervously await the outcome. With three more arrests in the case yesterday, and now into its 12th day, the case has brought international attention to the tiny island, better known for its warm weather and beaches.

"This is going to be a problem" offered one tourism executive, "no matter what the outcome is"

Aruban officials did confirm that they have begun talks with CBS to build a CSI theme park on the island, to, in part, capitalize on their current situation, and make plans to maintain their robust level of tourism.

Tourism in Aruba account for over 35% of the nation's economy. Of all the tourist that visit the island, over 60% of them are from the United States. Up to now, Aruba as enjoyed the reputation of being a "very safe" island but officials concede that may change.

The CSI Theme Park will highlight the popular CBS program and include visits and appearances from the stars of the program. It could also include filming some of the shows episodes on Aruba.
Visitors to the CSI Theme Park will have two options; a standard interactive tour or, they can create a customized case to work through.

If approved, the park will be built and open by the Summer of 2006.

There are unconfirmed reports that NBC has been talking with Aruba officials about a similar, 'Law and Order' theme park.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Ways Howard Dean Plans On Annoying The Republicans

10. Start podcasting all of President Bush's misstatements and mispronunciations

9. Convince Senate Democrats to filibuster the rest of the session and hold-up the Bush Agenda, just to piss them off

8. Tie up Ken Mehlman under the Freedom of Information Act that he prove all the honest livings made by Republicans

7. Boldly blame the Republicans for killing Terri Schiavo

6. Enroll President Bush in Hooked On Phonics program

5. Start spreading the rumor that the Democrats may nominate Bill Moyers in 2008

4. Blame the Republicans and their lack-of-diversity for New York City losing the Olympics

3. Plan Justice Saturdays so they can get the jump on the Sunday press coverage

2. Admit he misspoke; Meant to say that all Republicans are godless infidels

1. Edit the Paris Hilton commercial to show her giving Dick Cheney a soapy sponge bath

Thursday 9 June 2005

Second Shoe Drops: Govt. To Pay Tobacco Companies

Written Apology For Putting Smoking Exec's "Through Hell" Also Part of Settlement

Government lawyers last evening submitted a motion that it was dropping the lawsuit against the country's leading tobacco companies. The new settlement of this case will have the government paying the tobacco companies millions of dollars and offering a written letter of apology for "unduly putting the industry executives through hell".

This bombshell was the second of the day, coming ours after the Justice Department stunned everyone watching this case, by lowering their suggested settlement from $130-Billion, down to $10-Billion. That action prompted Judge Gladys Kessler to note "Perhaps it suggests that additional influences have been brought to bear on what the government's case is."

The case against big tobacco was filed in 1999, under President Clinton's Justice Department. As President Bush took office in 2001, it was widely discussed and speculated that the Bush Administration was less keen on pursuing the case.

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft, early in Bush's first term, pushed for an early settlement, stating he believed the case to be weak. Ashcroft also reduce the financial support for the legal team in the case.

The Justice Department issued a statement defending dropping the case and the new settlement, saying "it was time to move on".

Critics pounced on the Justice Department.

At a news conference last evening, Democrats derided the action and suggested Administration ties to the tobacco industry may have made the officials "uncomfortable" with saddling the tobacco companies with a large financial demand. The payments were intended to finance a stop-smoking program that a government witness said would cost $130 billion over 25 years.

The New York Times reported Senator Richard J. Durbin (D-IL) asking; "Why, in the middle of a lawsuit, would you give up, which is exactly what this administration has done?"

Speculation also rose around the role of Associate Attorney General Robert D. McCallum Jr., a former classmate of President Bush at Yale and partner in an Atlanta law firm that represented one of the defendants in the case, R. J. Reynolds. Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) sent a letter to the Inspector General, asking for an investigation of improper political interference.

More rumors centered around Former Attorney General John Ashcroft. Reports have come in that Philip Morris, and its parent company, Altria, may sponsor the 'When Eagles Soar' tour Ashford is planning.


Chicago Braces For Millions and End Of The World

Red Sox-Cubs Match-up First Since 1918; Cataclysmic Clash of Curses Expected

Officials in Chicago have declared, in advance, a state-of-emergency and are requesting federal assistance as the city prepares for the Boston Red Sox face the Chicago Cubs at Wrigley Field for the first time since 1918.

Religious zealots and other proponents of the 'End-of-the-World' scenarios have been pouring into the Windy City all week. Streets are lined with preachers calling for anyone who will stop and listen to repent. Sellers of 'Good Luck' charms and trinkets have been popping up on the street, in the subway and even on the observation deck of the John Hancock Tower.

Predictions that Lake Michigan will boil and turn to blood, flooding the city, or that fierce winds will blow Chicago down into dust can be heard at every turn. Some are touting the pending disaster can be found in the 'DiVinci Code'

For baseball fans, this is a long-sought dream series, albeit, it's not happening in the World Series.

Many Cubs fans rooted for the Red Sox last year as they marched to the win the championship. Jim Belushi, an actor and a lifelong Cubs fan. "It was like having a neighbor win the lottery. At first you're really happy for them because it couldn't happen to a better guy

Steve Bartman, who got in the way of a foul ball that many in Chicago blame for extending the Cub's curse is rumored to be honored with throwing out the ceremonial first pitch, a move that the doomsayers cite as tempting the building fate of this star-crossed match-up.

Chicago officials have blitzed the news media, calling for all citizens to remain calm and enjoy the games. They wait for federal troops to arrive to begin clearing the streets, as virtually the entire city is in gridlock.

Said one City Hall employee; "Next week, this is New York's problem

Next weekend, the Chicago Cubs travel to play the New York Yankees in Yankee Stadium - for the first time since 1938.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things That Make Barbara Walters Uncomfortable

10. How that punk, Corey Clark, dumped her to have an affair with Paula Abdul

9. That she's going to end up doing a Gossip show on the Fox News Network

8. Getting chewed out and yelled at by John Bolton

7. Getting hit with a telephone thrown by Russell Crowe

6. That Tom Cruise dumped her for that young chippy Katie Holmes

5. Seeing Hugh Downs in the make-up room, in his skivee's

4. Katie Couric getting all the glory for the 'Today' program

3. How the cast of 'The View' regularly abuses the Koran but they haven't got caught yet

2. Having to audition for that Carl's Jr. commercial and losing out to Paris Hilton

1. Seeing men breastfeeding on airplanes

Wednesday 8 June 2005

Details Emerge From Apple-Intel Deal
Intel Breaks From Tradition, Must Promo 'Apple Outside'

With the announcement earlier this week, after more than a decade with I.B.M., Apple Computer is shifting, beginning in 2007, to using Intel microprocessors, a move that is sending shockwaves through the Apple loyalists.

Both Apple and Intel shares moved down slightly on Wall Street Monday, with Apple down 32-cents and Intel 16-cents down

And now, details are emerging of the deal.

One industry source has told The Garlic that Intel is required by the terms of the deal to run a promotional campaign of 'Apple Outside'.

Apple will not be required to promote Intel beyond standard elements, such as press releases, website and User Manuals.

"It was a deal breaker for Jobs. He knows his market and he's playing to the base, the die-hard Apple-users".

For Paul Otellini, Intel's chief executive, it was gut-check time. Traditionally, Intel has required its' partners, third-party developers and OEM's to run 'Intel Inside' promo's and campaign, almost as a seal-of-approval.

"It's a hard pill to swallow for Intel"

Reports indicate the 'Apple Outside' campaign will feature Apple products prominently and will point people to either Apple.com or iTunes.com

The Apple base is extremely nervous with this shift, as it is known that Intel doesn't have a PowerPC processor as strong as I.B.M.'s. Job's reportedly became concerned that I.B.M. wasn't producing a larger variety of the PowerPC processors, namely due to the low-volume profit of Apple's small market share.

Intel, on the other hand, with taking away the Apple business, now holds over 80% of the processor market.

'Apple Outside' promotions and media should start running by the end of this year

News In Brief 8 June 2005

Harris of Florida To Run For Senate
Says She's Not Worried, Knows How To 'Get The Votes'

Representative Katherine Harris, the former secretary of state of Florida and at the core of the 2000 presidential vote recount controversy, announced that she will be looking to unseat Senator Bill Nelson

Democrats accused Ms. Harris of engineering Bush's 2000 Presidential victory, as Bush won Florida by only 537 votes and, as Secretary of State, Ms. Harris presided over the recounts and certified the results. Ms. Harris had been a chairwoman of Mr. Bush's campaign in Florida

Ms. Harris said she will formally announce her candidacy in July.

The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee released a statement criticizing Ms. Harris's handling of the recount and suggesting that she was close to Representative Tom DeLay, the House majority leader, who is facing an investigation for possible ethics violations.

"As a public official, Katherine Harris is better known for generating controversies than for her achievements on behalf of the people she represents," said Phil Singer, communications director for the committee.


C.I.A Beefing Up Translator Recruitment

'Speaking The Language' Top Priority For New Hires

The Central Intelligence Agency, hampered by budget woes and the transitional elements of the new Homeland Security Department, announced that are beefing up their efforts in recruiting new translators.

Since the terrorist attacks in 2001, and the installation of the Patriot Act, droves of Arab-speaking candidates have been turned away, leaving the agency's intelligence gathering and reviews of intelligence reports lacking. Much of the work has fallen on long-time agency analysts who have limited language skills

"We want those that can speak the language", said Jennifer Millerwise, the top C.I.A. spokeswoman. "That would be a good first step".

Any changes made to the recruitment program, the final decision will be made by John D. Negroponte, who as the new director of national intelligence oversees the C.I.A. and 14 other agencies. The goal is to "leverage the cultural and linguistic skills"

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Bush-Blair White House Meeting

10. You fired that aide that wrote the memo, didn't you?

9. I'm not spending another dime on Africa until I get my elephant tusks!

8. Oh God, he's going to want to take us to see that dreadful baseball team they have here now

7. You know Tony, if you can come up with a better constitution, you might be able to take Europe and rebuild the Empire

6. I was disappointed. I was so sure that Bo Brice fellow was going to win

5. Don't you guys have any paper shredders over there?

4. With all that's going on in the world, do you believe that people got so upset because Big Ben stopped?

3. If you want, I can send my boy Frist over there to give your guys some pointers

2. When we go back up to the residency, can we watch that Paris Hilton commercial again?

1. Does your staff send you out for bicycles rides when something big is happening?

Tuesday 7 June 2005

Blair, Bush Meet Today; May Work On Pennsylvania Avenue Memo

No Official Comment On Agenda; First Meeting Since Downing Street Memo Leaked

British Prime Minister Tony Blair is due in Washington today, fresh off his re-election last month, to meet with President Bush to begin working on the Pennsylvania Avenue Memo.

This is the first meeting between the two leaders since it became public of their Downing Street Memo, a 2002 report that indicated Bush had already decided to invade Iraq and was fixing the intelligence around the facts to fit the policy of removing Saddam Hussein by military force.

The minutes of a meeting recorded in the Downing Street Memo detail how the U.S. Government did not believe Iraq was a greater threat than other nations and how intelligence was "fixed" to sell the case for war to the American public. It was also clear in the memo how the Bush Administrations assertions of "war as a last resort" were at odds with their internal policy and intentions.

British officials did not dispute the document's authenticity and a senior American official has described it as "absolutely accurate." The Bush administration continues to sidestep the issue while attempting to cast doubt on the memo’s authenticity.

Though re-elected, Blair had his considerable parliamentary majority cut into and despite being, perhaps the strongest of the European leaders, hasn't been able to shake the label of being a pawn for the Bush Administration by his critics at home and in Europe.

Speculation is running that it could contain plans for an invasion of Syria or Iran, or perhaps both countries, who the Bush Administration believes are fueling the insurgence in Iraq.

Neither leader would talk about the Pennsylvania Avenue Memo they will be working on and it appears there are efforts building to deny there will be a Pennsylvania Avenue Memo.

At the daily press briefing yesterday, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said that he wasn't aware of any "special plans" and indicated that there is "no Pennsylvania Avenue Memo on the agenda".


NYC Stadium Plan Dealt Double Blows

IOC Say No Funding and Russell Crowe Incident Brings Doubt to Big Apple 2012 Games

The International Olympic Committee said last night that the defeat of a funding bill for the development of the West Side, and a new stadium, as well as the Russell Crowe incident demonstrates that New York City would be an unsuitable host for the 2012 Olympic Games.

Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver and Joseph L. Bruno, the Senate majority leader, refused to refused to approve the $2.2 billion project, with Silver citing that the redevelopment of Lower Manhattan took priority over "the building of a stadium for the hope of bringing the Olympics to New York City".

Mayor Bloomberg, who has labored for more than four-years to land the Olympics and develop the West Side of Manhattan, saw the first omen hit earlier in the day when Australian actor, Russell Crowe was arrested for assaulting a hotel employee with a telephone.

Crowe was in New York to promote his new film, "Cinderella Man," in which he portrays boxer Jim Braddock, allegedly threw the phone at the concierge at the Mercer Hotel in SoHo, "hitting him in the face and causing a laceration and substantial pain," according to the complaint. Crowe was arraigned on charges of second-degree assault and fourth-degree criminal possession of a weapon the telephone before Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Martin Murphy.

According to Crowe's attorney, Gerald Lefcourt, Crowe "was in his room. He couldn't get a line and there was a disagreement."

Last night IOC President Jacques Rogge (Belgium) issued a statement, endorsed by the entire committee. It read, in part;

"With no funding and not an adequate stadium and other facilities, with movie actors running around, beating up hospitality staff, we would not be prudent or diligent with placing the 2012 Olympic Games in New York City. In fact, the European Union Constitution will likely be approved before we would come to New York."

While it is not an official rejection, insiders say that Paris now has the leading position to host the 2012 Games.

In a related matter, French President Jacques Chirac is asking for a new law that would bar actor Russell Crowe from entering France, until, at least 2013.

News In Brief - 7 June 2005

Rumsfeld, Military Defend Gitmo
Acknowledge Some Abuse; Ask That New Faith Policy Be Given Time

As calls mount, most recently from Sen. Joe Biden (D-MD), for the closing of the Guantánamo Bay Detention Center in Cuba, and the U.S. Military acknowledges that there were a few "incidents" of abusing the Koran, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is defending the use of Guantánamo and believes the new 'Faith-based Incarceration' program will work if given the chance.

The 'Faith-based Incarceration Program calls for the U.S. Military to begin abusing nearly all religious denominations and was first reported by The Garlic last month (See The Garlic 31 May 2005 - U.S. Military To Begin Abusing Bible).

"Let's just give the new abuse policy a chance to work", pleaded Rumsfeld.

Top Ten Cloves: Best Phone Plan For Russell Crowe

10. Hey, what's the problem? It's perfectly normal in Australia, to hurl telephones at hotel concierges

9. Reach out and #$@C&% touch someone - with a telephone to the face

8. Let your fingers do the walking - or throwing a telephone at a concierge

7. I'll tell ya' mate, at least he knows now that it wasn't #$@C&% Avon calling …

6. Can you #$@C&% hear me now!

5. Dial and Duck Plan

4. One with the special 'Call Forwarding - 'All the way across the room' plan

3. Friends and #$@C&% Family!

2. One that offers, instead of reward points, bail money

1. A plan with 'Anytime Minutes' to throw the telephone at 'Anyone You Want'

Monday 6 June 2005

Iraqi's Say Sadam Trial In Two-Months
Bush Admn Holding Out For November Sweeps

A riff is developing between the Bush Administration and the Iraqi Transitional Government, as the Iraqi Special Tribunal announced over the weekend that they are planning for the first court trial of former dictator, Saddam Hussein.

The Bush people want the Iraqi's to try a number of Saddam's aides, as a lead-up to the star defendant in November, in time for the November Sweeps.

"There's a reason the networks' debut new shows in September or October, and not in August", offered White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

McClellan stated that the President will likely be in Crawford, Texas for most of August and "he doesn’t want to be inside all day watching 'C-Span'."

"The President likes to be active during his vacation … Outdoors, tending to his property, bicycle riding, hunting and fishing".

Laith Kubba, spokesman for Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari, said there was "no reason to waste time" in trying Saddam.

"We have twelve fully documented cases", said Kubba. "And we will be applying for the death penalty".

The death penalty became available in Iraq's criminal code, drafted under Mr. Hussein - against those responsible for the worst Hussein-era crimes, as well as for use against insurgents who have attempted to destabilized Iraq since his overthrow.

Vice President Cheney also echoed the President's preference for a November Sweeps trial.

"With a trial in two months, we run head-first into pennant races in baseball, and then extending into the playoffs and, potentially the World Series. We'll have trouble getting the networks to preempt these for the Saddam trial."

It is unclear, that once Saddam's trial begins, if it will be broadcast live, or on a tape-delayed basis.

So far, the networks haven't stated if they will cover the trial live, or via tape-delay.

Fox News Network has announced that they will "take the stand the administration takes". NBC indicated it is waiting to hear back from anchor Brian Williams, as to if he wants to "broadcast from Baghdad or will stay in the U.S. to cover some obscure Mid-West dairy farmer". ABC indicated that they will cover the trials but in "no way, shape or form preempt 'Desperate Housewives' for it". CBS stated they haven't decided what they will do yet.

"It wouldn't hurt either", offered McClellan, "if Saddam doesn't go on trial to early 2006. We can tie it in with the 'Soprano's".


O.J. Simpson New Jackson Advisor

Offers His Unique Advise; Missed Opportunity For SUV Chase

As the jury begins deliberations of his pedophile charges, Michael Jackson has a new advisor - O.J. Simpson.

Huge crowds of fans and media camped out at Neverland over the weekend as Simpson, who has taken a break from his own hunt for the murders of his ex-wife and her friend, was seen going in-and-out of Neverland. Simpson stopped briefly to talk with reporters.

"Yeah, I can relate to this kind of trial", Simpson responded to one question.

Simpson conceded that less-and-less leads are coming in on his hunt and that he was the one that reached out to Jackson, to offer the pop star his experience at this stage of his trial.

"Michael has made a few mistakes. He should have, at the very beginning, done the big, black SUV freeway chase. That would have been key in gaining the public behind him. It worked so well for me … I'm surprised his lawyers didn't suggest it".

As rumors swirled and ambulances were seen at Neverland, some saying Jackson was again being hospitalized, Simpson was critical, saying he "just needs to suck it up".

"The pajama thing, that was a major faux paus. Small town like this, he should have been in $4,000- Armani's everyday … He needed to show these people that he was the king of the music business, not the king of weirdsville".

Simpson said there's still time for Jackson to salvage his public persona.

"If he's declared innocent of the charges, he needs to immediately - first words out of his mouth - vow to find the real pedophile. That he's going to dedicate the rest of his life in finding the real pedophile".

News In Brief 6 June 2005

News In Brief

Rumsfeld Slams Al-Jazeera Television

Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld slammed Al-Jazeera Television on Saturday, charging the Arab network "promotes terrorism" by airing beheadings and other attacks.

``If anyone here lived in the Middle East and watched a network like Al-Jazeera day after day after day, even if you were an American you would begin to believe that America was bad", said Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld made his comments during an interview on the Fox News Network.


iSqueal Busy Over Stock Slide and iPod Rumor

The Apple Computer hotline, iSqueal, was burning over the weekend after a report on AppleInsider.com, a Web site devoted to the company's products stated that the company was "sitting on its most significant inventory of iPod Shuffles since the player hit the market in February".

Apple's stock lost over 4% at the end of business on Friday.

AppleInsider.com is one of three blogs or websites that Apple is suing over leaks about its' products.

Apple established the hotline, iSqueal, as an avenue for people to phone or email in tips as to who may be leaking, or disparaging Apple or any Apple products (See The Garlic March 10 2005 - Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent)

Top Ten Cloves: Why Chicago Marathon Was 1-Mile Longer

10. Bill Frist was the race starter

9. Famous wind blew finish line the extra mile and nobody noticed

8. Michael Jordan had a big bet down nobody would notice extra distance

7. Measured the course with Polish Sausages

6. Was part of a voodoo-curse thing that is supposed to help the Cubs win the World Series this year

5. Secretly going for Guinness Book record - Most People Who Ran a 27.2-Mile Marathon

4. Runners thought running into city's famous wind was what made them extra tired

3. Organizers are Republicans; Pulled the "Nuclear Option" on the race

2. At the 26.2 Finish Line, runners told Paris Hilton at 27.2 Finish Line, giving our Carl's Jr. hamburgers

1. Tired of dying river green - looking to start a new, weird tradition

Friday 3 June 2005

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News In Brief - 3 June 2005

Nader Lobbies EU Leaders For Ballot Spot

Ralph Nader appealed once again to the European Union to place the perennial candidate on the ballot for the European Union Constitution voting, and that his presence, and a spot in running the new Union, will stem the tide of "No" votes.

On Sunday, voters in France said "No" to the constitution vote and on Wednesday, the Dutch overwhelmingly voted "No". This, for all intents-and-purposes, kills the adoption of the new constitution as all 25 members must approve it.

Nader cites his vast experience in battling to be included on ballots or in debates as a powerful tool in assisting the fledgling E.U. in gaining consensus and moving forward.

Nader also cited that he loves "cheese, chocolate and Jerry Lewis films" as reasons to bring him into the campaign.

Top Ten Cloves: What The Michael Jackson Jury Will Talk About When They Get The Case

10. Think he'd be up for paying each of us millions to let him go?

9. Anybody else got a book deal yet?

8. I wish Liz Taylor showed up to testify - I wanted to see if she's as big as everyone says

7. Why couldn't we get the Runaway Bride case …That would be a lot more fun

6. I liked his pajamas - do you think I can get them at a store or are they custom-made?

5. Okay, that's 12-0 in favor of getting chimps to do our housework

4. Was that Gary Coleman or was it his kid?

3. I don't think I can ever drink wine again without calling it "Jesus Juice"

2. You can bet, his first day in prison, someone will be dangling him of the third floor tier

1. When we reach our verdict, let's moonwalk back into the courtroom

Thursday 2 June 2005

49ers Next Plan Ghetto and Street Fighting Videos

Despite the controversy that has erupted over their last diversity training film, which featured lesbian pornography and racist humor, the San Francisco 49ers said last night that they continue to move forward with their program of educating their players on the situations they may face in the National Football League.

A series of Ghetto and Street Fighting videos are next in training and team officials stress that they have been purchased from a league-authorized vendor, and not, as with the diversity video, self-produced.

The controversial video, produced by former Public Relations Director, Kevin Reynolds, was a follow-up to a 2 1/2-hour diversity workshop — an event that Reynolds organized in the wake of an anti-gay comment by running back Garrison Hearst. It was meant to be shown to the players only, and the content was to demonstrate to the players on how to deal with the media.

A copy of the video, which Reynolds himself appeared in, conducting a gay wedding ceremony between two, busty woman, and encouraging them to "show me" how they will love each other, was sent to the San Francisco Chronicle.

Along with the pornography, the invective-laced speech and the racist humor, portions of the video were shot in San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's office. Press Secretary Peter Ragone indicated that permission was given, however, the understanding was that it was for a diversity training film.

"They didn't tell us anything about its content,'' Ragone said.

Greg Aiello, spokesman for the National Football League, said he was not aware of any other team-produced videos on media relations.

"The standard approach is to use our video and supplement it with comments by the PR directors, head coach, etc.," he said.

The Ghetto and Street Fighting video training is designed to show the players the type of situations they may get into away from the football field and instructors will offer the players options on how to avoid such situations.

"As best as we know" indicate a team spokesperson, "it is a set of professionally-produced videos. We didn't send any 49er's out into the streets to get into fights".


eBay Moves To Corner Web Spending

Shopping.Com Bought For Cash; SEC Looking Into Move As Global Domination May Be Goal

"Why are you doing it? How much better can you eat? What can you buy that you can't already afford?"

"The future, Mr. Gitts, the future."

While the above reference comes from Robert Towne's riveting 'Chinatown', it seems that eBay is intent on following its' directive.

Yesterday, the on-line auction giant plunked down $620-Million, in cash, to purchase the comparison shopping and consumer review site Shopping.com Inc.

The S.E.C and other government agencies are looking into the move, as it was unclear if it was a standard purchase-and-sale, or if Shopping.Com listed itself on the eBay auction website and company executives violated any laws in holding it out for their own personal gain.

Marketers have other worries, as it appears eBay is on-course to dominate spending on the word wide web.

Last year, eBay purchases included Rent.com ($415 million in stock and cash), Baazee.com, India's popular online shopping site, ($50 million), and the Dutch classified site, Marktplaats.nl ($290 million). They also increased their investment in Internet Auction Co., South Korea's largest online auction company and, in 2003, eBay purchased China's largest e-commerce site, EachNet, after an earlier, small investment.

"At the rate it is going", offered on beleaguered marketing executive, "there'll only be three places you can spend money on the web - Google, Apple and eBay"

eBay declined comment on the new purchase, or, if they have any plans to acquire Google and Apple.

News In Brief 2 June 2005

Burnett To Sign Deep Throat For New Reality Series
Felt To Host Show On Real-Life Whistle-Blowers

Reality Show king Mark Burnett is planning on signing W. Mark Felt, otherwise now known as "Deep Throat", to host a new Reality TV series on whistle-blowers.

Felt, who announced in the July issue of Vanity Fair magazine that it was he who was the anonymous source for Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, during their investigation of the Nixon Watergate scandal. The secret of who was "Deep Throat" was kept for over 31-years.

Burnett, through a company spokesperson, said he was "thrilled" to be able to get the real life "Deep Throat" for the Whistle-Blowers program, which will feature persons, in real jobs, exposing corruption and practices endangering the public safety.

"Think of it as", stated the spokesperson, "as a combination of 'Cops' and 'The Insider'. We'll have teams, with point values tied to the clues, as well as a panel of judges to score the creativity aspects and the determination of the contestants".

The show will air in the spring of 2006, however, Burnett will tape the 91-year-old Felt's appearances over the next few month.

No comment was offered as the what Felt's contract will pay and Burnett indicated that Bob Woodward will not make any money on this new project, even though it involves the words "Deep Throat".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Mark Felt Is Admitting

10. J. Edgar Hoover's dress size was a 22

9. He kinda likes the blue tinge that his Viagra pills give him

8. That he, not Al Gore, invented the Internet

7. Voted for Bo Brice last week

6. He was on the grassy knoll in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963 and did see shots fired from it

5. Dan Rather was under constant FBI surveillance to see if he really knew "the frequency"

4. FBI kept a file on everyone who solved Rubik's Cube

3. Pet Rock was really a FBI Behavioral Science operation to build a list of liberals and subversives

2. The FBI "encouraged" General Hospital to put Luke and Laura together as a means to suppress woman

1. He knew weeks before the general public who shot J.R.

Wednesday 1 June 2005

More Revelation Bombshells
Felt Admits To Being 'You're So Vain' Target

Simon Confirms "Brief Affair" With Former FBI Man

No sooner than he ignited the country with one of the best kept secrets of all-time, W. Mark Felt, the senior F.B.I. official who admitted to being the Watergate scandal's "Deep Throat" source, dropped a second bombshell when he announced that Carly Simon's 1973 hit song, 'You're So Vain', was aimed at himself.

The identity of "Deep Throat", the inside anonymous source for Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein that helped bring down the Nixon White House, was one of the country's longest - over 31-years - and most talked about secrets. Felt's identity was known only to Woodward, Bernstein and Washington Post Editor, Ben Bradlee

Felt, now 91-years-old, acknowledges being "Deep Throat" in an article that will appear in the July issue of 'Vanity Fair magazine. The secret, and sometime classified information that Felt provided The Washington Post, along with the actions of Judge John Sirica and the heated Senate hearings on the Watergate scandal eventually culminated in Nixon's decision to resign in 1974 rather than face impeachment.

As the airwaves burned through the evening, with numerous Nixon henchman, many still defending the Nixon Presidency and the subsequent cover-up of their covert actions, making panel appearances on television and radio, Felt, with a small group of lingering reporters, asked the group if they wanted to hear another admission.

Felt then offered that in 1971 and into 1972, Felt bumped into Simon at an airport layover and struck up a conversation with the young singer. He offered that the two "hit it off" and Felt abandoned his travel plans and flew off with Simon. He said the affair lasted approximately 10-months and the two parted amicably.

Simon, when reached late last evening, confirmed Felt's disclosure.

"I was in a funky period back than and here's this dashing, older man that looked like a diplomat. He totally charmed me, flew me around in government jets, we could get into anyplace we wanted to … It was quite quixotic"

Simon said she wrote 'You're So Vain' "to mark that period" and not as a scorned lover that most people interpreted the song to be.

"I knew from the beginning that it would be a brief affair … I didn't have any illusions and he was always quite the gentleman".

In 2003, Simon, for the 'Possible Dreams' charity auction, offered to reveal the identity of the song's target and NBC Executive Dick Ebersol ponied up $50,000 to win to bid. In August 2003, Simon hosted Ebersol and nine of his friends for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and vodka on the rocks. At midnight, Mr. Ebersol alone learned Simon's closely guarded secret.

"Both secrets were hard to keep" offered a tired Felt.

News In Brief 1 June 2005

Haig Stood In-The-Ready If Felt Backed Down

Former Nixon Staffer Okay To Take "Deep Throat" Rap

A small side drama played out in Washington yesterday as former Nixon Chief-of-Staff, General Alexander Haig, stood in the wings to step in and declare that he was "Deep Throat", in the event Mark Felt decided not to go through with it.

"I heard, throught the grapevine that this was coming down" offered Haig. "So I contacted Bob Woodward and told him that I could take control of the situation, if necessary".

Haig was the subject of criticism and ridicule, when, in 1981, serving as Ronald Reagan's Secretary of State, following the assassination attempt on Reagan, Haig declared that "I'm in control here".

"I didn't want to do that again", declared Haig, "but I am ready"

Top Ten Cloves: Things G. Gordon Liddy Would Like To See Happen Now That "Deep Throat" Is Exposed

10. Can pull the plug on the wiretaps and surveillance for Woodward and Bernstein

9. Still has a team that can abduct and "cancel with extreme prejudice" Mark Felt

8. Believes Bush Administration would do better with more break-ins - and he's ready to volunteer

7. Continue to harass John Dean

6. Cancel the contract on Alexander Butterfield

5. Ignore the news - stick to the story … Ignore the news - stick to the story

4. Tell Colson to shut down the church and get back to business

3. Get some sit-down time with Karl Rove to discuss his "career options"

2. Hmmm … Maybe it's time to cash-in on that 18-1/2 minutes of tape

1. Can stop harassing Hal Holbrook

Tuesday 31 May 2005

U.S. Military To Begin Abusing Bible
New Policy Cites Need To Be 'Fair and Balanced'

As calls mount for the closing of the Guantanamo Bay Prison Camp, over the widespread allegations of torture and abuse, the U.S. Military has announced a new 'Faith-based Incarceration' program, that calls for the mistreatment and abuse of the Bible, and other religious works.

Lawrence Di Rita, the chief Pentagon spokesman, stated yesterday that the U.S. Military will begin implementing the new 'Faith-based Incarceration, immediately and, eventually, will cover nearly every religious denomination.

"With using the Bible, as an instrument of abuse and torture, we included a number of faiths, right there, alone. Prisoners that are Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, Calvinist, or Lutheran - which we can also employ the Book of Concord - are going to feel the wrath of the U.S. Military.

For British and Australian P.O.W.'s, Di Rita indicated the King James Bible will be the object defiled.

Other faiths will be brought on-line in the P.O.W. prisoner camps as the need calls for. The U.S. Military can fly in a 'Faith-based Incarceration' torture kit "in a matter of hours" according to Di Rita.

"We have Torahs, and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion - that was a tip from our friends in Mossad. If we capture any Mormon, we can bring in the Book of Mormon, or the Pearl of Great Price".

The new 'Faith-based Incarceration' program comes in the wake of widespread allegations of the abuse of the Koran as a means to torture Islamic prisoners. Earlier this month, 'Newsweek' Magazine ran an article detailing such abuse at the Guantanamo prison in Cuba, that they later retract after the Bush Administration and the Pentagon gave blistering denials.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan went as far as blaming 'Newsweek' for the deaths of 17 Afghans in rioting that followed the publication. That assertion was subsequently refuted by U.S. Military commanders and by Afghan President Hamid Karzai during his visit to the White House last week.

What became clear to the Pentagon was the lack of a program that would trample all religions and a task force was quickly put together to develop a program that would be deemed as "fair".

Di Rita stated that other religions would soon be included.

"We' re working, as I speak, on Hindu program. There's too many writings to base the abuse on one by itself and it will depend just what region or faith that particular Hindu prisoner happens to be from. And then there's a number of 'New Age' religions that we need to investigate and see what can be used in those cases."

And the new Faith-based Incarceration' program has the full backing of the White House.

"President Bush", offered McClellan, "is happy to see a program where prisoners of different faiths can be abused and tortured equally and fairly".



New Zarqawi Tape Deemed 'Idol' Demo

Iraqi Terrorist Leader Warbles 'Louie Louie' In Attempt To Join Hit Show

It could have come down to Carrie Underwood and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

A new, 17-minute audio message addressed to Osama bin Laden, with the voice of a man claiming to be Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the U.S. Military's most wanted man in Iraq, has been deemed to be a demo tape that the terrorist leader was, perhaps, looking to gain entry to the hit American Idol program.

The rambling message, in which al-Zarqawi tells bin Laden that he was wounded, but only slightly, and is still in Iraq and running his insurregence program against the. U.S. and Iraqi forces.

According to a source close to the Military, who has been examining the authenticity of the audiotape, it may be that al-Zarqawi taped his new message over a previously recorded message - his singing a cover of the 1963 Kingsman hit tune, 'Louie, Louie'. After finishing off the tune, with a forced flourish, al-Zarqawi appeals to the American Idol reviewer to give him his best consideration.

It has long been rumored among military and intelligence officials that al-Zarqawi was a big fan of the American Idol program, including rumors that the U.S. Military ran a specially-coded broadcast of the program in Iraqi in an effort to track down the location of who was watching the program and matching those locations to known al-Zarqawi hideouts.

A spokesperson from American Idol stated that, while they receive demo tapes from all around the world, they have no record of receiving the al-Zarqawi tape.

The audio was posted on an Islamic website in which other al-Zarqawi messages have appeared late Monday night but bore the date from last Saturday.

In measured tones, al-Zarqawi admitted that he was wounded but dismissed that it was serious, or that he entered the Ramadi hospital, as had been rumored.

The source that listened to the tape indicated that al-Zarqawi's singing was about "on-par" for a typical, early-round, American Idol contestant.

"If you are familiar with the song "Louie, Louie", you'll be deeply disappointed. He sings in both broken English and Arabic and it sounds like he's backed by synthesizer and drum set - and that could easily have been a CD or tape .. It was extremely poor quality".

Military officials haven't ruled out that the use of 'Louie, Louie' by al-Zarqawi could be some kind of coded message to bin Laden.

News In Brief 31 May 2005

London Gripped In 5th Day of Riots
Fears That Big Ben Stoppage Signals 'End of Days'; Some Blame Camilla

The City of London suffered its fifth day of panic and rioting as British citizens ran through the streets, ransacking storefronts and overturning automobiles and lighting them on fire. The British military has been called in to augment the over-matched London Police and restore order.

The discord began last Friday evening, when the historic landmark clock, Big Ben, stopped ticking twice and remained inoperative for over 90-minutes.

Big Ben survived German bombings during World War II and has continued to mark the time to within 1.5 seconds of Greenwich Mean Time. In 1962, the giant clock rang in the New Year 10-minutes early due to snow, and broken machinery caused it to stop in 1976. Big Ben also stopped on April 30, 1997, and once more three weeks later.

Standing 315-feet-tall, Big Ben, actually the clock's 13-ton bell, was completed 1858

Officials say that it may have been the record-breaking heat in London, where it reached 90-degrees - the hottest May day in London since 1953. The heat, official also say, may be what contributed to the panic and rioting.

"It seemed like the whole town paused for a few minutes and then exploded" said one London police officer.

Security was beefed up at Windsor Castle as a crowd swelled, demanding that Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Cornwall, the former Camilla Parker Bowles, leave the country. Some in crowd held signs blaming the Duchess for the troubles with Big Ben.

While some of the rioting has spread to towns outside of London, most of it has been contained within the city. The only establishments spared being razed are the town's pubs.

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons The French Rejected European Union Constitution

10. Most pulled the lever thinking they were voting for the American Idol contestant Carrie Underwood

9. Want to stay independent in case Malcolm Glazier tries to buy EuroDisney

8. Afraid it would mean the Germans would occupy Paris again

7. It would have meant having to sell Freedom Fries

6. Those lazy Corsicans didn't bother to get up and vote

5. Upset if they voted "Yes" for the constitution, that they would have their fingers dipped in purple dye

4. Most were riveted, watching Danica Patrick in the Indy 500 and didn't pay attention to how they voted

3. Bill Frist did another video message, advocating French adopt the E.U. Constitution

2. Voted "No" due to rumor that the E.U. would ban all Jerry Lewis films

1. Let's be real, the rest of Europe thinks they are as good as us?

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

PEACE

THE GARLIC

Piercing, Shattering Noise Rocks DC Area
Authorities Trace To Capitol Bldg; May Be Frist Presidential Hopes

Washington, D.C. was rocked early last evening with a piercing, shrieking, shattering-type noise, heard for scores of miles beyond the nation's capital.

As emergency switchboards were flooded with calls from concern and frightened citizens, local police departments, aided by a division of federal agents pinpointed the center of where the noise emanated from and it appears to be the U.S. Capitol Building.

The first calls reporting the shattering noise began to roll in around 6:15PM, and lasted for more than an hour. Further tests were being conducted late into the evening, as more calls and leads poured in.

Washington D.C. Police Chief Charles H. Ramsey seemed assured that the public was not in danger. Homeland Security officials monitored the situation but did not change the color code.

"I'm pretty sure we know what this is all about", offered the Chief.

Speculation among authorities is mounting that the noise was the 2008 Presidential hopes of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) breaking apart, as he lost a senate vote to end the debate over the nomination of John Bolton to the post of United Nations Ambassador.

Frist had begun the day confident, that not only the debate would end, but the nomination vote would take place as well.

For Frist, this is the second major blow to his leadership, after Monday's surprise compromise, in which 7 Democrats and 7 Republicans joined forces to bring a truce to the heated judicial nomination debates, and prevent Frist from enacting the threatened 'Nuclear Option' that would change Senate rules and outlaw filibusters.

Frist, who has been positioning himself for a run at the 2008 Presidential rave, has been widely criticized by other Republicans as to his abilities to be the Senate Leader and delivering for the President, his last-term, conservative agenda.

The failures of Frist this week, according to some Republican sources, not only throw a wet blanket on gaining the 2008 nomination,. but risk seeing Frist replaced as Senate Majority Leader as well.

"Hey," offered one Republican insider, "when you're in charge of the bakery, and the bread isn't coming out of the oven, might be time for a new baker"

The White House commented that they were "disappointed" in not seeing a vote for Bolton.

"This has happened before", stated Chief Ramsey. "Probably, the last time was way back, when I think Gary Hart was in office … That was one doozy of a noise, all right".


NBA Considers Selling Uniform Space To Advertisers
Carl's Jr. Looking To Place Paris Hilton To "Our Key Demo's"

The National Basketball Association announced this week that they are considering offering space on team uniforms for advertisers and sponsors to display their names or logos.

The proposal could reap billions for the NBA, according to Commissioner David Stern.

"Let's face it, the horse is out of the barn and we don't even have a farm yet"

The NBA currently bans all forms of advertising on team uniforms, the only major sport that has such a restriction and some owners are against having uniforms with advertising, wanting the league to maintain a certain, professional look.

However a growing number of owners are looking at it seriously, as a means to recoup some of the millions they spend on payrolls for players.

Dallas Mavericks owner, Mark Cuban, says "bring it on"

"Man, we could really go to town on this … Have different advertisers for different players … Home uniforms, Away uniforms … Hell, if someone wants to spend enough money, we'll have the sponsors strapped to the player's backs"

One advertiser is already lining up to secure uniform space from the NBA - Carl's Jr.

With their new, Paris Hilton television campaign going through the roof, Carl's Jr. can't produce enough branding fast enough to leverage the bevy of free publicity and extra plays of the commercial they have been receiving.

The commercial features a bathing suit-clad Paris Hilton, sensually soaping up a Bentley automobile - and herself - while eating a Carl's Jr. burger.

"I mean, how hot would that be to have Paris Hilton on a bunch of big, sweaty NBA players", offered one Carl's Jr. marketing executive. "We could probably do something special … like during timeouts, we have soap, or something, interact with the player's perspiration so the uniform suds-up"

When asked about the Carl's Jr. proposal, Stern smiled.

"Yes, we have talked with them. It certainly is an interesting idea but, perhaps, a bit too much … We have a lot of young fans … If they want to use Lindsey Lohan, now, maybe we can talk …"

Top Ten Cloves: How John Bolton Will Relax Over The Memorial Day Weekend

10. Complain to President Bush how come American Idol contestants can get votes but he can't?

9. Make prank phone calls to North Korean Leader Kim Jong

8. Trim his moustache - strand-by-strand

7. Visit his local supermarkets to lambaste and scream at the bag boys and cashiers - just to stay in shape

6. Start writing the intelligence reports that he will present in U.N. to allow Bush Administration to invade Syria

5. Give his TIVO a workout, watching the new Paris Hilton commercial

4. Think about job security - pull out of ambassadorship and go for being a federal judge

3. Take a road trip to Ohio and beat the crap out of Senator George Voinovich

2. Meet with architects to begin planning on loping off the top ten floors of the United Nations building

1. Pick up the DVD and watch his favorite film, 'Twelve Angry Men'

Thursday 26 May 2005

Tiger Jam Raises Over $1-Million - Without Name Host
Woods Slump Continues; Fails To Make Cut For Fundraising Concert

With A-List celebrities, including Terri Hatcher, Conan O'Brien, Kevin James, floating around the floor of the sold-out Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino in Las Vegas last Saturday, the Tiger Jam VII raised more than $1 million for the Tiger Woods Learning Center (TWLC) and select local charities.

And it was done without the name-above-the-title host - Tiger Woods.

Woods failed to make the cut for the annual fundraiser, which featured the music of Stevie Wonder and the Counting Crows, leaving the crowd searching for the famed golfer much of the evening.

It appears Woods is carrying over his woes from the golf course. Woods has gone 10 majors without winning, matching the longest drought of his career. His only victory this year was in February, and three players - Vijay Singh, Ernie Els and Phil Mickelson - have grabbed most of the headlines.

Reports say that during rehearsals, Woods flubbed his lines, forgot names of key sponsors and guests, and shanked his handshake too far to the right. After a brief huddle of the event producers, Woods was informed that he would be left out of the main event later that evening.

Woods was said to have acted professionally, but was also distraught. Reports from numerous guests and hotel staff say that Woods spent the next several hours shaking hands with people, at random, often repeating the gesture two, or three times. He was also introducing himself to hotel staff, then returning a few minutes later, reciting their name back to them. Security guards on the floor of his suite report hearing him practicing a speech, over-and-over.

Tiger Jam, The Las Vegas-based concert series, was created in 1998 by the Tiger Woods Foundation, an organization dedicated to inspiring dreams in America's youth. Since its inception, Tiger Jams I - VII have raised more than $7 million. Proceeds from previous Tiger Jams have supported Child Haven, Center for Independent Living, Greater Las Vegas Inner City Games, Boys & Girls Club of Las Vegas, UNLV Women's Athletics, GRAMMY in the Schools and The VH1 Save the Music Foundation.

There were unconfirmed reports that hours into the fundraiser, Woods returned, indicating he was prepared and ready, but was escorted out of the room, without taking the stage or engaging in the ceremonies.


BBC Employees Stage Strike That Almost Goes Unnoticed

Management Doesn't Notice; Thought It Was A Gag and Goes Along With It

Looking to thwart company plans that call for over 4,000 job cuts over the next three-years, thousand of BBC employees stayed away from their work yesterday, calling a 24-hour strike.

Trouble is, as technicians, to news correspondents, to anchors, carried picket signs that read "Fight for our BBC." outside Television Center, the BBC's mammoth headquarters in West London, BBC management all but ignored the strikers, believing it was a practical joke.

"They were so civil and polite", said BBC Director General, Mark Thompson. "I thought it was a gag".

So much so that Thompson called his friend, actor and former Monty Python member John Cleese, who showed up, in costume and disguise of a Scotland Yard Inspector, causing a temporary commotion, as Cleese issued arcane and non-sensical instructions for proper striking rules and regulations.

Once his identity was exposed, Cleese took up with a picket sign and stayed for over an hour with the strikers.

When it became clear to Thompson, and the rest of the management staff that the strike was legitimate, it became difficult for the BBC to cover it, as only approximately 30% of the news staff reported to work. Strikers didn't help, as they refused to give interviews to the staffers sent out to cover the strike.

BBC did try to keep its programs on the air, but ended up cutting back or canceling much of its live television and radio coverage because of the strike. Among the programs to be canceled was the "Today" program, an influential morning news and current affairs radio broadcast. Repeats were put in place as well as a program about jazz music.

At issue is the financial future of the company. Thompson announced that in order for the BBC to stay competitive in an increasingly crowded broadcasting world, it would have to cut 3,780 jobs for a savings of about £355 million a year or about $642 million at current exchange rates.

Thompson was appointed last May as much to restore the BBC's confidence in itself as to lead the corporation into the difficult future. Last year, the BBC lost a bitter and angry battle with the Labor government of Prime Minister Tony Blair stemming from its coverage, in 2003, of the advent of the Iraqi war.

An investigation led by Lord Hutton, a former judge, found that the BBC had erred in reporting on the "Today" program that the government had deliberately exaggerated the case for war, and criticized the company for sloppy reporting and poor oversight. In the wake of Lord Hutton's scathing report, both the BBC's chairman and director general resigned.

Unions represent nearly 9,000 of the BBC's 27,000 employees and say Mr. Thompson's proposals would cut the company to the quick, making it impossible to maintain its reputation and high standards.

The strike is the first of three planned in the next month and Thompson was still surprised by the work action.

"I don't know, a lot of my friends are out there … I feel like I should be bringing them out some tea, or something".