Monday 1 August 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Bush To Give Bin-Laden Contract To Brits

Round-Up of London Global Extremists Impressive; U.S. To Bring In "Blair's Boys"

President Bush, before he leaves for his August vacation in Crawford, Texas, will announce that he is awarding the contract for the hunt and capture of Osama bin-Laden to Coalition-of-the-Willing partner, Great Britain.

With 20 the number of people being detained after the failed bombings in London on July 21, including the four main suspects, the President is said to be "bowled over by Blair's boys" in their rapid investigation and capture of the global extremists.

"These guys didn't waste any time", the President said, according to Scott McClellan, White House spokesperson.

"The President was extremely impressed" said McClellan. "He kept running into the Joint-Chiefs-of-Staff office shouting - They got another one".

Sir Ian Blair, the head of the London police, said he'd be "happy to help out the Yanks".

"We'd love to knock up that bearded beanpole one morning and slap some bracelets on'em".

Prime Minister Tony Blair, who will take only a week of August vacation, is said to be waiting for the President's call and official paperwork, giving the British the contract for bin-Laden.

"The President", according to McClellan, "will be monitoring the situation from Crawford. He's pretty confident that he won't get through a cord of wood before he gets the call from Blair that they got bin-Laden."

McClellan stressed that this doesn't not relieve the U.S. Military forces from capturing bin-Laden, dead or alive, but rather, brings in some "fresh faces".

"After what's happened in London, and the quick arrests of all the suspects, the President believes, that with those yellow-vested and funny-hatted bobbies combing the rugged mountains of the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, the global extremists will know that there's some new deputies in town, and that they mean business".

The President has assured the British that, if in capturing bin-Laden, and the global extremist gets shot, there'll be "no hand-wringing" on this end.

Rumors are also circulating that the President will ask for a new admendment be added to the 2006 Defense Bill. The President would like to have "battalion of Blair Boys" in his fight against global extremism.




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Congress Says Gun Makers Can Sue Victims

Extraordinary Bill Passed; NRA Happy But Wants More

In a late session maneuver before their August recess, Congress added to the just-approved bill that blocks most civil lawsuits against gun makers and dealers, an amendment that will allow the gun manufactures to sue victims.

In a 65-31 vote, the senate approved the bill, with its' proponents citing national security issues, saying lawsuits brought by municipalities and individuals threatened to bankrupt the firearms industry at a time when the nation is fighting wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Before the floor was closed, Sen. Larry Craig (R-IO), the bill's author, invoked a rarely-used Senate procedure, attaching to it the amendment that allows the gun makers to sue victims.

Instances where the gun manufacturers can sue victims includes;

- Being in the wrong place at the wrong time

- Interfering in a felony where the gun-holder is registered and legal

- General Stupidity

Opponents criticized the legislation, saying it offers unprecedented protection to a single industry. The bill also requires pending lawsuits to be dismissed.

"It's a blatant special interest bill to protect gun makers and dealers, even if they make firearms recklessly available to criminals and terrorists," said Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass. He called it a demonstration of the "raw, special interest power" of the gun lobby.

The National Rifle Association, a supporter of the legislation, though very pleased with the bill, indicated they want more from Congress. NRA Executive Vice President Wayne La Pierre says the organization will continue to lobby Congress until "every NRA member and every American citizen has the right to shoot another, without fear of prosecution".