Sunday, October 29, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 29 October 2006

Not since the tiny town of Hot Springs, N.M. changed its’ name to Truth or Consequences, after a popular radio program, has a U.S. City embarked on such a drastic remaking of itself.

Tired of its ties to baked beans, Boston Mayor Tom Menino announced that the official symbol for the city would now be the pumpkin, after the charity event for Life Is Good set a new world’s record of lighting over 30,000 jack-o'-lanterns last week.

Menino’s edict now extends The Freedom Trail, which tells of the city’s revolutionary war history, scores of miles into the suburbs, to include pumpkin and gourd patches and the legendary basketball team, the Boston Celtics, will abandon their traditional green-and-white uniforms, and go with city’s new ‘Pumpkin Orange’

At historic Fenway Park, the infamous Green Monster will now become the ‘Pumpkin Orange Monster’ and the On-Deck circles will be replaced with the official city pumpkin decal. Pubs and taverns around the city began serving the new Pumpkin Ale, while bakeries lined their cases with Boston Pumpkin Cream Pie

Oprah Winfrey weighed in on the on-going Michael J. Fox - Rush Limbaugh debacle, saying that Limbaugh’s recent apology is not official until he comes on her talkshow, repeatedly and profusely says he’s sorry, much like Pope Benedict XVI did recently, weep and cry, and then give everyone in the audience a brand new automobile

Listen, Sister, I’m not going anywhere... Not one tiny, itsy-bitsy centimeter,
so back-off ... You guys over at State better get your shit together cuz’ you and I both know this new policy of the President... These benchmarks and whatnot ... They just a bunch of hooey

The Bush Administration quietly announced, in an effort to ward off criticism that they allow the torture of prisoners, that they will now offer detainees the opportunity to enter a Lotto, which will determine just what level of aggressive and robust interrogation they will undergo

And while Waterboarding will not be taken off the table, being forced to ride a bicycle in the ocean will be a new option

Also coming out of the White House was the announcement that, in the next Iraqi election, the purple-dye fingers will be replaced with a new, intricate design, to verify voters and guard against irregularities at the polls so that democracy can flourish

The Iraqi Government has complained that his new, intricate design will slow down the voting, however, the Bush Team reminded the Iraqis that this is one of the benchmarks they have been told they agreed to work on, and a No-Bid contract has already been awarded to the Halliburton Company to supply the paint and artists

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