Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Libby Trial Update: Cheney In The Crosshairs

Reports Surface Cheney Scouring eBay, Internet For Credibility

VP Office Silent, But On-Line Resellers Abuzz On Interest, Bartering With Vice President

With council on both sides waiting for a ruling by Judge Reggie Walton, over yesterday's opening brouhaha regarding possible jury tampering by Scooter Libby's lawyers, Day Two has potential jurors intensely interested in the credibility of Vice President Dick Cheney.

So much so, sources close to the White House tell The Garlic, that the Vice President himself has been surfing the internet in search of purchasing some last-minute integrity before he has to, potentially, testify in open court.

"Cheney's been scouring eBay,, Amazon, Craigslist ... Just about anyone that is selling on-line," said a senior White House aid.

"He's been banging away for a few hours now. And it's not his forte, if you know what I mean," continued the aide. "He's used to making notes in the margins, so someone has had to come in every so often and clean is screen, which only gets him angrier."

Jurors are being questioned today on their knowledge of the Bush White House, the war in Iraq and about memory.

Some Congressional and Senate offices are reporting receiving an email from the Vice President's office, asking for testimonials praising the Vice President, that would be used for an unstated purpose.

Unconfirmed reports say that Cheney has received only one statement to his credibility, that coming from Katherine Armstrong, the owner of the ranch where the Vice President shot his friend, the 78-year-old lawyer, Henry Whittington last year.

When contacted for a comment, Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride denied that Cheney, or anyone else in the Vice President's office was attempting to purchase credibility and refused any additional comment on the matter.

Google issued a statement indicating that their system is stable and functioning with normal ranges, unlike the incident a few months ago when White House "I'm Feeling Lucky" searches crashed their system.

One reseller on eBay, 69-year old Edna Hauser, of Ames, Iowa, who says she sells something "pretty close to credibility", says she spoke directly with the Vice President.

"He tried to strong-arm me, to get it for free" said a defiant Hauser. "Started babbling about national security, and service to my country ... I told him to go fuck himself... I've been selling here on eBay for over 10-years and I know what I'm doing ... No cash, no sale ... I said to him to go open a Pay Pal account and after he does that, I'll sell him something ..."

"I didn't have any of the stuff he wanted," offered Joseph Santos, of Red Hook, NY, "But I was able to trade'em for some fly fishing gear I had ... Got some of that Hallyburton stock for it... I don't care about the price, I just want it for bragging rights ... A friend of mine said I’d never get rid of that gear and here I am, selling it to the Vice President ..."

"Now, are you sure you want to question my credibility?"

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