Retro Garlic: Dana Perino's Glass Still Half-Full

Ah, it's almost as familiar, as ubiquitous, as comforting, as Linus's security blanket.

We speak of the brilliant, and brimming, intellect of former Bush Grindhouse mouthpiece, Dana Perino.



Satyam Khanna, at Think Progress caught her recent interview with Chip Reid, and our Glass-Half-Full Dana served up "An investigation would be a "political witch hunt," Perino said, claiming the interrogation program was actually "safe, effective, and legal."

Perhaps she hasn't noticed that she isn't working in The Bush Grindhouse any longer, that she actually can have days where the glass is half-empty, or, really go out on-a-limb, and go sans a glass, completely winging it.

Khanna also called her out, on Dana's little fib, of never saying she answered the question, if Waterboarding was torture;

Except Perino has weighed in on the issue, and all indications are that she has said that waterboarding is not torture. When repeatedly pressed by reporters on whether the Bush administration tortured, Perino consistently and robotically responded, "We do not torture." She uttered the phrase until the very end of her tenure, well after the CIA publicly admitted in February 2008 to waterboarding three detainees:

-- "Let me just make sure it's clear, and I'll say it on the record one more time, that it has never been the policy of this President or this administration to torture." [1/14/09]

-- "We did not torture." [11/18/08]

-- "The United States has not, is not torturing any detainees in the global war on terror." [4/23/08]

Maybe Dana is just staying in character, for her new gig, working with the man who "Blew the Presidency" for Hillary Clinton.

That's right, boys and girls, Half-Glass-Full Dana is now working for Mark Penn.

Let's hope, she can read maps better than Penn.

Oh yeah, The Retro Parts;

In Dana Perino's World, The Glass Is Always, and Perpetually, Half-Full

Top Ten Cloves: Other Surprising Things White House Press Secretary Dana Perino Doesn't Know

Bonus Half-Glass-Full Dana Riffs

Sam Stein - Perino: Bush Deserves Credit For Recent Market Uptick

Steve Benen: WHEN THE QUESTION PROVIDES THE ANSWER...

Ben Armbruster: Defending Cheney, Perino Says Americans ‘Had Input’ On Iraq War In 2004

Retro Garlic: Tupperware Lady and Map Maker Team Up

Christ, what's the logo of this company going to be, the Hindenburg?

Failed advisers Mark Penn and Karen Hughes team up to counsel ‘corporations in crisis.’

“Karen and I have had so many of the same experiences in the White House and campaigns, and have worked around the world,”

Let's see ... Hughes can, utilizing her Bush Grindhouse experience, advise to lie, stonewall, destroy evidence, ignore the rule-of-law (however, actually, if she gives the same effort, while she was the prototype Bush Grindhouse Soccer Mom, she actually will contribute nothing), while Penn brings to the table the golden rule, the big ticket of .... Blame everyone else!

Hmmm ... Maybe we have it wrong.

Perhaps, they are going to bring crisises to corporations!

And, hiring this dimwitted, less-then-dynamic duo would be the first action as to going into crisis mode ...

Okay, now it makes sense ....


The Retro Part

Clinton Campaign Causes Havoc, Sends Map Makers Scurrying For Updates; Satellites Scrambled, Causing Hours of Blank Screens On Google Earth; Rand McNally. Others Dig Through Antique Maps For Answers

Retro Garlic: Karen Hughes, Our National Tupperware Lady

Clinton Campaign Causes Havoc, Sends Map Makers Scurrying For Updates

Satellites Scrambled, Causing Hours of Blank Screens On Google Earth; Rand McNally. Others Dig Through Antique Maps For Answers

News is just beginning to leak out, of the nearly catastrophic damage, and economic hardship, the Hillary Clinton campaign caused earlier this week.

In a conference call with reporters on Thursday, Mark Penn, Clinton Chief strategist, stated that "We believe the road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue goes straight through Pennsylvania’’, and "if Obama can’t win there, he asked, how can he win the White House?"

Within minutes of this statement, Rand McNally saw their Thomas Bros. Map page on the website crash, with visitors searching for federal, state, and even unmarked county roads they could take to get to the White House from the State of Pennsylvania.

Rand McNally dug deep into their history, even calling some of their retired, elderly mapmakers, seeking out clues on where this road was located.

"This was pretty bad," said John L. 'Sully' Sullivan, editor of the newsletter "They Said It Here", which documents the roads, streets and avenues presidential candidates have given stump speeches on.

"The entire map making world was buzzing for hours", continued Sullivan. "We even put three people on to dig through our archives, to see if we missed something, if we could document some dusty trial that has been overlooked."

Even Google saw and an extraordinary rush on searches for this mysterious road, however, it didn't crash the system, as happened two-years ago, when an overload of Republicans, using the “I’m Feeling Lucky” feature, brought Google down.

But Google didn't escape trouble completely.

Google Earth went blank for nearly three-hours, as visitors sought to pull up the State of Pennsylvania, alternately zooming in-and-out, searching for the road that Penn referenced. Eventually, with the high number of visitors, all using the same features, at the same time, first caused slow load times, and eventually the screen went blank.

Google also took the precaution of moving their satellites around, performing their own search for this special road.

As of the time of this writing, no map company, Google, or individual, has discovered a road in Pennsylvania, that could be taken to directly reach 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington, D.C.

Senator Barack Obama's campaign reacted to the news of the havoc caused by the Clinton Campaign.

David Axelrod, Obama's Chief Strategist, questioned just how ready Hillary Clinton would be on Day One.

"More and more is coming out that Hillary Clinton is not prepared to answer that telephone at 3AM ... That she's overstated her experience ... Now, we're discovering that she, or her campaign, can't even give out simple directions ... That, perhaps, they don't know their geography ..."

"Trust me." Axelrod added, "Barack Obama knows the road to take to get to the White House, and he's well down that path right now."

"And you can call him, at 3AM, if you want to know."


Bonus Links

Sheldon Alberts: Somewhere, Karl Rove is smiling

Matthew Yglesias: In The General

USA Today: Clinton strategist says Obama 'can't win the general election'

Greg Sargent - Penn: Pennsylvania Will Show That Obama "Really Can't Win The General Election"

Greg Sargent: General Election Polls Show Hillary And Obama Roughly Even Against McCain In Pennsylvania

Anonymous Liberal: Some Thoughts

Breaking News! Clinton Camp To Hire Terrell Owens

Football Star To Be "Designated Crier", Freeing Up Hillary, and Her Own Voice, To Hurl Racial Smears

The timing, the Clinton Camp claims, couldn't have been better.

Just as the 2008 Presidential Primary Campaign heats up, Hillary Clinton scores a huge gain, bringing Dallas Cowboy superstar Terrell Owens into the fold, to become the candidates' "designated crier".

"This is a godsend," gushed Clinton campaign guru, Mark Penn.

"He [Owens] has the name recognition, real tears, the cracking voice ... We couldn't ask for much more ..."

Owens broke down in a press conference following the Cowboys collapse and loss to the New York Football Giants yesterday, in the NFC Divisional playoff game.

Owens defended the teams recently-controversial quarterback, Tony Romo, in a plaintive, quivering and cracking voice;

"It's not about Tony," Owens said. "You guys can point fingers at him and talk about the vacation, but if you do that, it's really unfair ..."

His lips quivered and voice cracked. The tears were visible from behind the sunglasses.

"It's unfair," Owens added. "It's my teammate, my quarterback. If you do that, man, it's unfair. We lost as a team. We lost as a team.

"It's unfair because I've been through it. I know what it's like. He gives you his all every day. When you lose, it falls on the quarterback's shoulders. But let it fall on the whole team's shoulders."

The Clinton Campaign has been in a quandary, spending the credit of Hillary's crying and "finding her own voice" on the primary victory in New Hampshire last week and settling in a mode of tossing racial bombs against her main rival, Senator Barack Obama.

Former President Bill Clinton drew a firestorm, after characterizing Obama's campaign position as a "fairytale" and Hillary inferred the Civil Rights legend, Dr. Martin Luther King, needed President Lyndon Johnson to achieve his success.

"Having Owens to handle the crying," continued Penn, "frees us up to hone in on more racial taunts, create a layer of racial fear that will lift Hillary in a good number of the upcoming states."

"We can use [BET Founder] Bob Johnson to hit Obama on the drugs... Hillary on the race stuff and then bring in Terrell to cry about how everyone is picking on her, that it's not her fault ... This will be the Hillary voice moving forward ..."

Obama has hit back at the Clinton Campaign, calling Hillary's statements "ludicrous", "unfortunate" and "ill-advised."

Clinton defended herself yesterday..

"This is an unfortunate story line the Obama campaign has pushed very successfully," the New York senator said on NBC's "Meet the Press."

With the NFL playoffs continuing into the Championship round next weekend, followed by the Super Bowl in early February, Penn indicated he hasn't ruled out bring in more "criers", based on the results of the remaining games.

"We feel good," said Penn. "The gloves are off and Hillary is speaking in her own voice for the rest of the campaign."

Bonus Hillary Hijinks

Sam Stein: Obama Camp's Memo on Clintons' Politicizing Race

Eric Kleefeld: Clinton Aide: Obama Is For People Who Want "Imaginary Hip Black Friend"

Josh Marshall: Not Bean Bag

Matt Stoller: The Clinton Generation













With his season over, TO will be joining the Clinton Campaign as a "Designated Crier"