Breaking News! - Bush Didn’t Want “Another Mission Accomplished” On His Hands

Breaking News!

Bush Talked Out Of Having Zarqawi Photo Lay In Capital Rotunda

Sources Say West Wing “Run Ragged” With President’s Efforts To Tone Down Terror Rhetoric

New tensions have surfaced in the White House, as sources had told The Garlic that President Bush had to be talked out of having the framed photo of the deceased terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, lay in state in the Capital Rotunda.

Since last month, when the President admitted his “taunting” of the Iraqi insurgency, with his defiant “bring’em on”, and his earlier call for Osama bin Laden “wanted, dead or alive”, was an error, Bush, according to sources close to the White House, has been “overcompensating” in attempting to soften his rhetoric.

Last month, Reuters reported that President Bush said "I learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner, you know. "Wanted, dead or alive"; that kind of talk. I think in certain parts of the world it was misinterpreted," he said.

“He’s been driving the staff crazy,” said Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century. “We got reports that at one point, Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten called former Chief of Staff Andy Card to see it he wanted his old job back.”

According to Paula Malady, an analyst for the think tank All Things Terror, which specializes in Middle East affairs, the President has been “like a hawk”.

“Bush has taken to chiding staff members when they make, what the he believes, is a derisive, or inappropriate comment aimed at the insurgents or terrorists. It gotten to the point that many in the West Wing are communicating in-code, or sending text messages on cell phones, just so the President won’t overhear them.”

Bush Didn’t Want “Another Mission Accomplished” On His Hands

The successful bombing that killed al-Zarqawi last week brought those tensions above the surface.

The President first learned of the possible death last Wednesday, but directed National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley to wait until they had official, or reliable confirmation, which came the following day from Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Even before his early morning comments last Thursday, in which the President announced the death of al-Zarqawi in noticeable measured tones, Bush, according to Martins, was “already over-the-top”.

“He was running around the White House, demanding absolute certainty,” said Martins. “He berated Bolten and other staff members saying that he didn’t want “another Mission Accomplished” on his hands.”

Bush Orders Death Payment; Rumsfield To President: “Get A Life ... Get Real”

With an all-out media frenzy erupting with the news of strike that killed al-Zarqawi, Time Magazine breaking on the rare red “X” for its’ cover photo of the proclaimed leader of the Iraqi Insurgency , the President began making plans and preparations, over the objections of his staff.

First up was Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield.

Rumsfield was summoned to Camp David, where the President spent most of the weekend, preparing for a War Summit with his advisors today, and told to find family or relatives of al-Zarqawi, and process the standard $2500 Death Payment, issued to victims in Iraq, to give to them.

Rumsfield, according to sources who were at Camp David, was livid, and engaged in a loud, chest-thumping argument with the President.

According to the sources, Rumsfield soon stormed out of the room, yelling at the gaggle of White House staff standing outside the office, that “He must have been watching some of those PBS shows again ... Tell him to get a life ... To get real!”

The Defense Department and the Pentagon offered no comment or confirmation of Rumsfield’s trip to Camp David, or the issuing of a Death Payment to al-Zarqawi’s family.

Bush Ordered Military To Use “Nice Frame” and “Black Bunting”

The President’s next confrontation came with the U.S. Military Command in Iraq.

With a bevy of press briefings on tap, to give the details on the bombing raid that took out the terrorist leader, Bush ordered the military to “do it right” and then bristled when the President added to put a photo of a “cleaned-up” al-Zarqawi in a “nice frame” and drape it with black bunting.

Bush, according to Martins, nearly “jumped out of his shoes, when he watched the military press briefings on American television. They did employ the frame but left off the black bunting.

“I think it was at this point, Bush ordered Bolten to look into using the Capital Rotunda to display the framed photo of al-Zarqawi, with “the appropriate amount of black bunting”.

“Bolton, Rove and Hadley then went into the office, closed the door and didn’t reemerge for nearly an hour,” said Martin.

“When they came out, the staff was told to get busy with preparing for the summit.”

Murtha: Sell Framed Photo On eBay and Buy Troops The “Proper Armor To Stay Alive”

As word leaked out around Washington, Congressman Jack Murtha (D-PA), already a fierce critic of the President’s War in Iraq, calling for the withdrawal of all U.S. Troops from Iraq, exploded.

“He’s out of touch ... He has no clue what’s going on,” steamed Murtha.

“Maybe,” suggested an angry Murtha, “that we can get that framed al-Zarqawi photo and put in on eBay, and then turn those funds around and get our boys the proper armor and other tools they need to stay alive over there. We can’t wait anymore for the President or Rumsfield to do it.”

Military commanders in Iraq followed orders on the frame for the slain terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, but rebuffed President Bush’s call for black bunting around it

Top Ten Cloves: How Staff Is Dealing With Robert Byrd Now Being Longest-Serving Senator

News Item: W.Va.'s Byrd Now Longest-Serving Senator

10. Get him to replace flag in his office, the one with only 48 stars

9. Break it to him, for his 9^th Term election run he can’t go out and campaign on “Sane Sex Marriage”

8. Keep having to reassure him that humming noise is air conditioning, not NSA or CIA spying on him

7. Teach him how to use touch-tone telephones

6. Humor him, when he starts talking about running as a “favorite son” again, in 2008

5. Patiently explain that his breakfast, Special K Cereal, is a cereal, not a bribe from a Republican Lobbyist

4. Remember, for the Photo Ops, don’t let him hold up is Exalted Cyclops certificate

3. When they really want to see him explode, they buzz him and say that “Tom Delay is hear to see you”

2. Yes, he wants to get more federal funds into West Virginia, but Senator Stevens already has dibs on the “Bridge To Nowhere”

1. Call Senator Frist and smooth over that, getting whacked in the legs with Senator Byrd’s cane in the Senate elevator is purely accidental

Attention Garlic Subscribers – Transition Day To FeedBurner

In the event you don’t receive your normal, daily FeedBlitz feed today, it is due to The Garlic is transitioning over to FeedBurner. You shouldn’t have to do anything – other than enjoy the reading. It is expected and anticipated to go very smoothly (but, then again, we know what happens when we take on that smug thought ...)

Not a subscriber to The Garlic? Fear not, just jump or scroll over to the right column and punch in your email address in the FeedBurner Subscriber Box (just below The Garlic Poll)

Thank you all for visiting and reading The Garlic

Peace

JTD

The Garlic’s Transition Team arriving at work today

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 11 June 2006

The Garlic has learned that prior to last weeks' vote in the Senate, on the Same-Sex Marriage Amendment, which was defeated, the RNC, along with conservative groups Focus On Family and the Family Research Council sponsored a cocktail gathering for Republican Senators in an effort to persuade them to vote for the amendment

Even before any legislation is passed, the U.S. Border Patrol reports that illegal immigrants are training to enter the United States via water

In a new development, Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) said he will submit legislation that will require immigrants entering the United States have the American Flag painted on their faces

In the new White House of Chief of Staff Josh Bolten, President Bush and the First Lady will have a 24-hour Color Guard that will precede them wherever they go. Bolten said he wants to "highlight the power and pageantry of the Executive Office.

Sources tell The Garlic that staffers are complaining that the Color Guard is "jamming the hallways" of the West Wing and causing "logistical nightmares" for the President's Travel Team

In an awkward moment, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, after vehemently defending the record of the Bush Administration, criticizing the media coverage given to the President, stormed outside the Press Room and challenged reporters, shouting "C'mon, let's get it on!"

Vice President Dick Cheney and House Leader Dennis Hastert congratulate themselves, after learning the U.S. Military agreed to "strap them to a shell" and drop them on the location of Osama Bin Ladin, after he is found, when it was discovered that, combined, the pair weighs "well over 500-pounds" and will inflict even more damage then “what took out Zarqawi"

Poll Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll June 4 - June 11 2006 ... New Poll - Ann Coulter

Here’s the results from The Garlic's Weekly Poll June 4 - June 11 2006, asking “The Marine’s cover-up of the massacre in Haditha is because of ...

1. Got PR Advice from Dick Cheney and Katharine Armstrong 35%

2. “It's untidy” and “Stuff happens" 25%

3. The Military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy 22%

4. No one from the Bush Administration has gone on Fox News yet with the official spin 18%

This week’s Poll - For the comments she has made, insulting the Sept 11th widows while promoting her new book, Ann Coulter must have ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Tom Delay’s Last Day In Congress

News Item: DeLay Pulls No Punches In Final Speech to House

10. Got to have lunch with Vice President Dick Cheney – In the Secret Bunker

9. As a parting shot, had wall built down middle of House aisle and got resolution passed the Democrats would need tamper-proof ID to speak on the floor

8. President Bush offered, at first opportunity, to issue a Signing Statement, absolving him of having to follow any laws

7. Now that he’s retired, he’s joining the generals and called for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield to resign

6. Paraphrased Ann Coulter and called Nancy Pelosi a “Harpie”

5. Day started with parade down K Street – Instead of confetti, shredded money showered the route

4. Lovely retirement gift from Republican Leaders – New refrigerator with freezer capable of holding millions

3. Got nervous yesterday morning, as President Bush started to say “Through his every action, he sought to defeat America ...”, that he was talking about his work as House Leader, and not the killing of Zarqawi

2. Announced he’s establishing the Jack Abramoff Golf Classic, in Scotland, and he expects House Republicans to sign up

1. For new career, wants to be known as “Hammer Uncle”

Moving forward, in his new career, Tom Delay wants to be known as “Hammer Uncle”

Top Ten Cloves: Some Of The American Values President Bush Wants Immigrants To Adopt

News Item: Bush: Immigrants must adopt U.S. values

10. Remember, when eating out, it’s “Freedom Fries”

9. It may be on your Guest Worker Pass Test, if asked, always say that "President Bush has a clear strategy for victory in Iraq"

8. Call for a constitutional amendment on a hot issue, knowing it won’t pass, just to pander to your friends and supporters

7. Good idea to work hard and aspire to getting your own Secret Bunker

6. Be a Decider!

5. If you don’t like something their spouse says or writes, expose them as a covert CIA Agent

4. When you purchase something, put the item in your car, take the receipt back into the store, pick the same item and return it for a refund

3. As often as you can, use Signing Statements to avoid fulfilling your obligations to the Constitution

2. Indecently, and pornographically, insult the widows of Sept. 11th victims

1. If you want to a real, true American, remember to ignore the press and always stand on principle – even if you get indicted

President Bush personally instructs two U.S. Border agents on the questions to ask immigrants crossing the border on what American Values they plan on adopting

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Iraqi Detainee Release

News Item: Iraq's Premier Planning To Free 2,500 Detainees

10. You think they could have done this last week, so we could catch Katie Couric’s last “Today” show

9. I heard they’re paying good wages, to go to America and build that border wall

8. Quick, look around and find the BBC reporters – We get them to interview us, they screw up and we become millionaires

7. Mr. Premier, all the released detainees signed the statements, that if interviewed, will throw in that "President Bush has a clear strategy for victory in Iraq "

6. No, no, forget about working ... We become politicians – They fill your freezer with great amounts of cash!

5. That ... That thing ... Ann Coulter releases a book on 6-6-6 and they want to say Islam is evil?

4. I don’t know ... This could be a trap – They might have U.S. Marines waiting for us

3. Not sure where I’m going when I get out ... I was going to go to Canada...

2. You don’t want to see the morning papers, Mr. Premier – The Lincoln Group planted stories, giving all the credit to Rumsfield and Bush

1. Look, it’s Oprah Winfrey – I thought she was only crashing weddings ...

The Lincoln Group, the PR firm hired by the Pentagon to plant stories in the Iraqi media, gave credit for the Iraqi Detainee Release to President Bush and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield

Top Ten Cloves: Things To Watch Out For With Today Being 6-6-6

News Item: Date With the Devil

10. A young couple, wife named “Rosemary”, and pregnant, moves into your building

9. Being a voter in Ohio

8. Using your life savings to buy stock in Microsoft’s Excel

7. Getting traded to the Colorado Rockies – and you’re an Atheist

6. The Dixie Chicks announcing that they are embarrassed by you

5. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales coming after you for your notes and sources – and your not even a journalist

4. If you’re gay, getting married

3. Being interrogated by the Army

2. Having to interview Ann Coulter (actually, this applies to any date)

1. Investigating President Bush’s abuse of Signing Statements – Knowing he can just issue another Signing Statement making you irrelevant

With today being 6-6-6, you just might have Attorney General Alberto Gonzales coming after you for your notes and sources – and your not even a journalist

Clinton: “We shouldn’t shy away”; Elder Bush Says Gays “Give a little more”

Ex-Presidents Offer To Stump For Gay Marriage Ban, Border Wall, Hoffa Dig

Telethon and Benefits Concerts Part Of 3-For-1 Package; Cites Need To Act Before New Hurricanes. Marriages Hit

The Garlic has learned today the former Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have offered a proposal to the Bush Administration, for their services in raising funds for the battle to ban Gay Marriage, build a wall along the Mexican border, and for future searches and digs for former Teamster Chief Jimmy Hoffa.

Eager to get back on the road, and pointing to their success with the Tsunami Relief and Hurricane Katrina programs, which generated millions of dollars, the Ex-President’s proposal is said to offer a “very substantial return”.

“I think we could help, get something done in these areas,” said President Clinton.

Included in the proposed fund raising package would be a series of benefits concerts with artists such as Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, the Dixie Chicks, the Neville Brothers and Kayne West.

Extra media publicity is said to be guaranteed for the FBI, with having West spout off on the tour that “Jimmy Hoffa didn’t like black or gay people”. And any such statements from the rap singer will be met with comments from Mary Cheney, lesbian daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, that West is a “total slimeball”, garnering more PR for the tour and fundraising.

“Gosh, I really hate to see people of the same sex getting married, or have a wall go up, but there’s just so many of them , we have to do something,” added the former President Bush.

White House Considering; One Sources Says “These guys are bored”

There was “no comment” from the White House. Sources there tell The Garlic that the proposal is being given “consideration” but that no one in the White House is “taking it seriously”.

“You have,” said one, high-level administration official,” these two guys who are bored ... There hasn’t been any calamities and no one has been calling for them. Let them take their ‘Abbott and Costello’ routine somewhere else.”

“I think it’s important for the FBI to find Mr. Hoffa,” said Clinton. “If we can help by raising some money, so they can get better equipment, or follow more leads, that’s a good thing. We shouldn’t shy away from that.”

The two-ex-Presidents both cited the need to act quickly on the proposal, before any new marriages take place, or that hurricanes make landfall, as the new storm season just started this month.

“We can only be in one place at a time,” offered the elder President Bush. “And people have only so much they can give – though the gay people seem to be able to give a little bit more”

Walls For Humanity? Carter Says “Three, maybe four-days” To Build Border Wall

There are unconfirmed rumors that the two ex-Presidents may be joined by a third, if the Bush Administration takes up the proposal.

Former President Jimmy Carter is said to be ready to join the team. Carter will launch a new volunteer program – Walls For Humanity – to assist the Mexican Wall Project.

A spokesperson for President Carter would not confirm or deny the rumor, but did add that “with the right number of volunteers, and the supplies, of course, we could build such a wall in three, maybe four days.”

President Bush is planning on asking Vice President Dick Cheney to declare that traditional marriages are “in their final throes” unless Congress passes the Constitutional Amendment banning Gay Marriage

Top Ten Cloves: What President Bush Will Do To Help Congress Pass The Gay Marriage Ban

News Item: Senate to Tackle Gay Marriage Ban

10. Whether it passes, or not, we blame Iran so we can start the invasion

9. Strong-arm Canada to say that 17 Terror suspects arrested over weekend were ready to enter U.S. to promote Gay Marriage

8. Have Vice President Dick Cheney warn that traditional marriage is “in it’s final throes” unless Congress passes amendment

7. Give Mary Cheney and immediate post as Ambassador to Tobago and ship her out right away – before the debate starts

6. See if he can get Tony Perkins or James Dobson to put together a few “Gay Marriage Sundays” rallies

5. To help Republican candidates, will start smear campaign that Al Gore’s new film is really about Gay Marriage

4. Will Have Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez add Gay Marriage to the Patriot Act

3. Suggest adding gay couples getting married to his Immigration Bill, so they’ll have to leave country and reapply to enter

2. Promise to fill all Senate and Congress members’ freezers with $90,000 if they pass Gay Marriage Ban

1. Doesn’t matter what Congress does - He’ll simply add Signing Statement to next bill that passes, banning Gay Marriage

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 4 June 2006

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) took the stage recently, to answer the New York Times and other media about the status of her marriage, with a simple, but telling, gesture

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff continued his defense of the 40% cut in anti-terrorism funding to New York City, citing an Inspector General's report showing how city officials wasted money, using the U.S. Navy to film promotional videos

Damaris Ibanez was recently crowned "Miss Bad Hair Day" for 2006, beating out over 40 other contestants

The Dixie Chicks were back in the news this week, after Natalie Maines told reporters that "they were embarrassed that they appeared on The Larry King Show"

Iran's Supreme Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was a surprise judge on the program "Iranian Idol" this week and got to announce the winner of the competition, after giving a 4-hour tirade on the "Lure of the vices of the West"

"Yeah, pretty cool, huh? ... I got the NSA to hook me up so I could eavesdrop on your husband..."

Poll Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll May 28 - June 3 2006 ... New Poll

Here’s the results from The Garlic's Weekly Poll May 28 - June 3 2006, asking “The Attorney General and FBI Director also considered, after quitting, to ...”

1. Finally sit in on one of those poker games, with strippers, at the Watergate 32%

2. Launch their own law enforcement agency and hope to get a No-Bid contract from the White House 25%

3. Put the Jefferson evidence up on eBay 23%

4. Start practicing to be a song-and-dance team for next years’ American Idol 20%

This week’s Poll - The Marine’s cover-up of the massacre in Haditha is because of ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Breaking News! New Government-wide Training Program on Monuments and National Icons.

White House Orders Monument-Icon Training Throughout Government

Looking To Head Off Controversy of DHS Terrorism Cuts; “We don’t want to tip off Al-Qaeda on some statute in Iowa”

The Bush Administration has gotten themselves into another imbroglio, and has forced the White House to backtrack, with President Bush announcing this afternoon a new, government-wide training program on Monuments and National Icons.

This comes on the heels of outrage, after the Department of Homeland Security announced on Wednesday that it had placed Washington, D.C. and New York City in the bottom 25%, low risk category of a terrorist attack, and cutting their anti-terrorism funding by as much as 40%.

In the case of New York City, the DHS risk assessment, and justification for the 40% cut back in funds, was that the city had “no national monuments or icons”. New York City is home to the Statue of Liberty, the Brooklyn Bridge, Empire State Building, as well as internationally-noted museums and libraries.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, according to the New York Times said that "When you stop a terrorist, they have a map of New York City in their pocket. They don't have a map of any of the other 46 or 45 places."

Congressman Peter King (R-NY), and chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee said of the cuts that "It's a knife in the back to New York and I'm going to do everything I can to make them very sorry they made this decision."

King promised to call hearings into the matter, and hold the Department of Homeland Security accountable, demanding they justify their actions.

Chertoff: Washington and New York “Got A Fair Shake”

President Bush, already reeling from the investigation into the alleged massacre in Haditha, Iraq, approved the U.S. Military commanders ordering “refresher” training for the combat troops, that was described as focusing on "importance of adhering to legal, moral and ethical standards on the battlefield."

After the firestorm of criticism on the anti-terrorism cuts continued yesterday and into this morning, the President summoned Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, who justified the cuts, saying, on PBS's "The News Hour With Jim Lehrer," he believed that New York and Washington got "a fair shake."

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said the meeting between the two was “tough” and “with a lot of frank talk”. Snow would neither confirm nor deny that the President wore his flight suit for the meeting with Chertoff.

Snow: “We don’t want to tip off Al-Qaeda on some statute in Iowa ...”

According to Snow, the Monument and Icon Training will begin “within the next few days” and consist of a “day-long session, for every government department and office.” The training will use books, photos, and with a nod to the request of Senate Leader Bill Frist (R-TN), videotape of the nation’s monuments and iconic buildings, parks and territories.

Snow said that the Monument and Icon Training will be “mandatory” for all government employees.

“Sure, we know a lot of these things already,” concede Snow, “But it doesn’t hurt to be reminded, refreshed, that Lombard Street is in San Francisco and Boston has Paul Revere’s house.”

Snow said that the White House hasn’t decided as of yet, if the President will go on national television, to address the Monument and Icon Training Program. Snow indicated that there is concern, expressed by the intelligence agencies and the military, that if the President used images during his address, that he “may be giving aid to our enemies.”

President Bush is said to be in favor of using photos in a national address, as sources close to the White House say the he was “inspired” after watching the National Spelling Bee on television last evening.

“It’s still being discussed,” admitted Snow. “We don’t want to tip off Al-Qaeda on some statute in Iowa that they may not know about already.”

White House Council Harriet Meirs, who last fall, conducted the special special Ethics Classes , for the Bush Administration, refresh them about the leaking of classified material, will be part of the team that runs the Monument and Icon Training.

“As far as I know, the country’s monuments and icons aren’t classified,” said Snow, “So I don’t think we have to worry about anyone leaking the content of the training program.”

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff believes, in respect to the cuts in anti-terrorism funds, that "Washington and New York got a fair shake"

Top Ten Cloves: Some Of The Rewards The Six Powers Are Offering Iran To Halt Nuclear Program

News Item: Six Powers Reach Accord On Iran Plan

10. The Enhanced version of the new Paris Hilton CD

9. Reluctantly, France will begin importing Iranian Champagne

8. Will get each countries legacy carriers to extend their Frequent Flyer Mileage

7. For every 10 nuclear plants they close, they get one free

6. All “E Ticket” access pass at EuroDisney, good for one-year

5. If they come to Washington, will get them into the Poker Parties at the Watergate

4. Cases and cases of premium Russian Vodka

3. For President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a secret bunker just like Vice President Dick Cheney’s

2. Will control the looting, and absolutely no massacres, once they invade the country

1. To assure current government stays in power, Bush will send team from RNC to show them how to rig elections

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At CIA During Michael Hayden’s Swearing In Ceremony

News Item: Bush Hails Role of C.I.A. as New Chief Takes Oath

10. You joining the office pool on Hayden? I got that he last’s only a year ...

9. Is this a real news crew here or are the filming it for the fake news releases?

8. Did you see Hayden’s memo? Anyone that uses the words “Slam Dunk” gets fired immediately

7. Newspapers are saying there was $90,000 in Jefferson’s freezer... Rumor going around it was more like $190,000

6. Is Cheney here? I’m trying to duck him ... He’s been hounding me all week, about the Iranian intelligence and their WMD’s

5. This sucks ... We’re missing Katie Couric’s last show

4. I heard that Addington combed over the swearing-in oath to check for anything that goes against the White House

3. There’s Jonesy over there ... Poor bastard ... For voting for Kerry in 2004, he has to log-in and process all those bricks people are mailing Congress

2. Hey, after this, want to call in to the FBI again and give them another hot tip on where Jimmy Hoffa is buried?

1. I hope this doesn’t take too long ... We have to get back to the office and finish cranking out those fake Iran letters

Vice President Dick Cheney is said to be up to his old tricks, now hounding the CIA for Iranian intelligence and WMD's

Breaking News - “Tancredo and Sensenbrenner will have a field day”

Iran Shoots Back At Rice, Bush For Talk Policy: Nuke Program For Gay Marriage

Ahmadinejad Slams Pair; Seeks Other Demands, Retraction For LaRouche Comparison

Within hours of her remarks, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad bristled at what he labeled “a feminine lecture”, rejecting Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and lobbed back at President Bush his own conditions for talks between the Iran and the United States.

Ahmadinejad offered to open up to “outside inspection” Iran’s Nuclear Program, in exchange for President Bush endorsing Gay Marriage.

“If Satan opens up his great democracy to all his citizens, then Iran will open the doors to our nuclear development plans,” said the Iranian President.

Iranian President Wants Apology, and Katie Couric Autograph

In a speech before hundreds-of-thousands of Iranians, Ahmadinejad gave no indication that he would bow to U.S. demands that he suspend his nuclear program. He, in fact, later added additionally demands from the United States to sit down and talk, above Gay Marriage.

In a letter delivered by a Swiss envoy, Ahmadinejad indicated he wants the Bush Administration to endorse and ratify the Kyoto Protocol, invest more in cracking down on Internet Pornography, and an autographed picture of now former “Today Show” co-host, Katie Couric.

Ahmadinejad also demanded, above all, for President Bush to “publicly apologize” for the characterization last week that the Iranian President was an “Islamic Lyndon LaRouche”.

Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em', quoted “sources in the field” with the unflattering depiction of Ahmadinejad, adding that the Iranians typically ignore Ahmadinejad, and turn to the Ayatollahs, to see what they should do.

Rice Threatens Sanctions; Prefers that President Bush doesn’t get involved negotiations

The hardball demands and rhetoric from Ahmadinejad followed remarks from Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, where she set conditions that Iran would have to adhere to in order for the two countries to sit down and talk, something that hasn’t occurred since 1979.

According to the Washington Post, after Rice demanded that Iran suspend its programs to enrich uranium and reprocess spent nuclear fuel as a condition for the talks, she added;

"We urge Iran to make this choice for peace, to abandon its ambition for nuclear weapons. Refusal to do so, she said, "will lead to international isolation and progressively stronger political and economic sanctions."

Rice ignored Ahmadinejad’s jab, when asked by reporters for a comment.

The Secretary also indicted that she would “prefer that President Bush doesn’t get involved in these negotiations.”

“We’ve got a relatively clean slate with Iran,” said Rice. After the thousands of tactical errors in Iraq, I would much rather handle things myself, and not to get caught up in that baggage.”

“This is going to be a good one to watch”

Ahmadinejad’s quick response puts President Bush in an awkward position, of yet another hot, dividing issue.

Going back to the 2004 Presidential Campaign, Bush called for an amendment banning same-sex marriages and, reportedly, is scheduling a June 5th Press Conference to announce he wants Congress to Federal Marriage Amendment.

And earlier this year, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) promised an a June vote on the amendment, citing the busy Senate calendar and it being an election year.

“I’ve watched the videotape on these gay marriages,” said Frist, “and it is my opinion that we have to stop them.”

“Oh boy,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. “This is going to be a good one to watch.”

Aaronson said that this all but amounts to a “no-win” situation for the President, and likely, “he’ll see his number plummet even further downward.”

“The Neocon hawks want to see him invade Iran, and anything short of that is a failure,” added Aaronson. “And his Republican Congress, and his base, wants to see the Gay Marriage thing shot down and anything less then that is failure.”

“Tancredo and Sensenbrenner will have a field day. They’ll be putting up billboards saying that the President wants to see undocumented, illegal gay workers get married, and get amnesty to boot.”

President Bush is going to have to pull an even larger rabbit out of his hat, as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has set as a condition to talk that Bush endorse Gay Marriage, in exchange for the Iranians opening up their Nuclear Program for inspection

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Could Go Wrong For Katie Couric On Her Last Today Show

News Item: Katie Couric, Thinking About Tomorrow

10. Discovers that Cheney Aide David Addington screens all the CBS Evening News stories

9. The women from “The View” are waiting backstage to kick the snot out of her

8. Not wanting to see her go, Matt Laurer turns show into a live, on-air Intervention

7. 60-Minutes staff tells her the only contribution she’ll be making to program is starting the stop watch

6. Finds out most of what she’ll be doing at CBS Evening News is reading fake Bush Administration news reports

5. Ex-American Idol contestant Corey Clark opens MySpace.Com account and claims he’s having an affair with her

4. Charlie Gibson changes his mind and now wants CBS anchor job

3. Gets word CBS is changing her job – She’s now the Chief Baghdad Correspondent

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt whispers to her during commercial break that there are dead people on the CBS news set

1. Too Late! Learns whole deal on her moving over to CBS was a ruse perpetrated by The Yes Men

60-Minutes staff has told Katie Couric that the only contribution she’ll be making to program is starting the stop watch