Editor's Note - Technical Difficulties On Friday

Good Morning Garlic Fans

Due to some technincal difficulites yesteday (Friday 15 December 2005), we were unable to post.

We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have wrought.

Rest assured, all is well and we'll be back with the Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves, as well as peeling away on Monday.

Peace
JTD

Thursday 15 December 2005

White House To Extend President's Speaking Tour

May Venture Delivering Addresses Before 'Regular Folk"; Next Four Speeches To Tout "Historic Vote Count"

The White House announced today that, with the warm-up of "four hits under his belt", President Bush will extend his "speaking tour" throughout the winter. This would include the possibility of having the President speak to "regular folks" and some of the addresses may feature a special guest - Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT).

"We're really pumped" offered Communication Director Nicolle Devenish Wallace. "The President is beginning to get his confidence and pacing down, hitting his marks and we're still able to get away with tying the Sept 11th attacks to Saddam and Iraq and the justification for the war."

A search by The Garlic showed that the White House Travel Office is blocking out dates into March 2006 and booking hotel rooms in major cities across the country.

Wallace also indicted that "a number of these new speeches will be in front of average citizens."

"The President is eager to hit the road and talk with, what he calls, 'regular folks'. He wants to get his message directly to the people"

Wallace indicated the venues for the President's speeches will be varied, and include major conservative institutions, colleges and universities and, possibly, "one or two major arena events".

"We're really going to do this big," offered Wallace. "We'll have T-Shirts, CD's, DVD's and, for the younger generation, immediate downloads of the President's speeches to their iPods or MP3's."

Wallace refused to confirm or deny that there could be other practical matters for the President continuing his speaking tour.

According to Ann Mitchell, veteran Capital Hill journalist, one of the reasons to continue the speaking tour is to "continue dodging Cindy Sheehan".

"I have sources that are telling me," said Mitchell, "that the White House is intent on 'breaking down' Sheehan. They keep him moving around and make her spend more money following him. If the schedule is what I hear it is, they'll be in-and-out of cities before Sheehan can even arrive there."

Another source told Mitchell that they will be targeting speeches in areas close to Washington D.C. and Austin, TX, in an effort to "influence potential jurors" in the upcoming trials of former Vice President Chief of Staff Lewis "Scooter" Libby and former House Leader Tom Delay.

The Garlic has also learned that the Lincoln Group has secured additional contracts, to produce pro-American and pro-Iraqi Government stories "specifically around the Presidents speaking schedule".

"They're laying out," said our source who asked to remain anonymous, "a whole list of new historic events and happenings for Iraq in 2006."

Among the new historic events will be the upcoming "Historic Vote Count" and the "Historic First Day of the new Iraqi Parliament".

In a surprising move, according to Wallace, the President may be joined in selected cities by a special guest, Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT), who has been an ardent supporter of the Bush Administration's Iraq War plans.

"Joe will be with us," said Wallace. "He's pretty jazzed by it already."

Extra security was in place for today's historic Iraqi vote for Democracy

News In Brief 15 December 2005

President Stays Firm On Call For War But Admits Intel Errors

White House Looking Into If President, VP Were Reading Lincoln Group Paid Propaganda During War Build-up

In a stunning development, President Bush, giving his fourth speech in less than a week to lay out his new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", took full responsibility for going to war in Iraq and admitted that some of the intelligence he based his decisions on was faulty.

In his address yesterday, at the Woodrow Wilson Center in Washington, the President was atypically candid in taking responsibility for taking the United States into the Iraqi War.

"As president, I'm responsible for the decision to go into Iraq, and I'm also responsible for fixing what went wrong by reforming our intelligence capabilities."

However, as quickly as he admitted possible mistakes, the President returned to his defiant theme.

"Saddam was a threat and the American people and the world is better off because he is no longer in power,"

At the White House, Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that the internal investigation as to the faulty intelligence may show that "the President and Vice President may have received the paid information" that was contracted by the Pentagon

"We're trying to confirm if the information President Bush and Vice President Cheney read, to evauluate the deadly threats, was actually the paid propaganda that was contracted for from the Lincoln Group."

A spokesperson for the Lincoln Group declined comment, citing the terms of the contract with the U.S. Military.

This would be the second case known at this time of the White House confusing materials, and using paid content. Earlier this month, it was leaked that the President's first speech in his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" was also written by the Lincoln Group.

Top Ten Cloves: Things White House Is Worried About Over Outcome Of Iraq Elections

10. Cindy Sheehan will still be parking herself in front of White House and asking to meet with President

9. Maybe, just maybe, Rumsfeld will finally resign

8. President Bush will finally have time to watch all those DVD's to get caught up on what's happening

7. No matter how successful, still, likely, won't get that Jack Murtha off their backs

6. Not sure if they had enough planted stories out to influence election

5. Puts pressure on the Navy Secretary to find where they stored the "Mission Accomplished" banner

4. Will likely have to work nights and weekends to actually sit down and come up with plan for post-election Iraq

3. Dick Cheney will have to start practicing his "Imminent threat/mushroom clouds coming from Iran" rhetoric

2. Truckload of forged ballots will be traced back to them

1. If Karl Rove gets indicted, who'll teach the new Iraq leaders how to smear their opposition

Wednesday 14 December 2005

O'Reilly Gears Up Next War; Says Will Battle To Save "Little Christmas"

Calls For New Laws and Mandatory Fines; Doesn't Hesitate To Make Up False Charges To Broadcast His Point

Fox News Anchor and Westwood One Radio Host Bill O'Reilly announced today that he will stay on the frontlines of the War on Christmas and continue the fight to save "Little Christmas", or "The Epiphany" from "the secular liberals and the ACLU"

"They're walking all over these traditions," bellowed O'Reilly.

"The sooner we can do away with these annoying pinheads, and get back to celebrating our Christian Holidays the way we did when we grew up - as more the half the country has told 'The Factor' - the better this country will be."

O'Reilly, again, as he has done for the past few years, launched a full-scale media battle, by many accounts, unprovoked and without merit, a war on "saving Christmas". O'Reilly has repeatedly charged liberals, and the ACLU as attempting to prevent citizens, and corporations from using the phrase "Merry Christmas" or even the word "Christmas".

O'Reilly has used his Fox News television program and his Westwood One radio program to rail against, what he perceives, is a liberal and secular conspiracy to do away with the Christmas holiday.

O'Reilly runs a list on his website, tracking corporations and retail stores on their use of traditional Christmas greetings and celebrations. O'Reilly complements the businesses that are embracing Christmas, and threatens with boycotts, or slams with smears, the business that use the more encompassing, generic "Happy Holidays".

And, when there isn't enough content for O'Reilly to wage his battle against, he has had no problem manufacturing and presenting false examples.

Recently, O'Reilly cited that officials in Saginaw Township, Michigan banned their citizens from wearing the traditional Christmas colors of red or green, charges made on both his television and radio program.

"In Saginaw , Michigan , the township opposes red and green clothing…on Anyone, In Saginaw Township they basically said anybody, we don’t want you wearing red or green. I would dress up from head to toe in red to green if I were in Saginaw Michigan .”

Saginaw Township supervisor Tim Braun said that O’Reilly’s comments are "flat out not true". Braun went on to say the township hall has red and green Christmas lights adorning the building at night.

O'Reilly, in his press conference announcing the "Little Christmas" is now the focus of his crusade, says that "for the secular grinches, it may be 'little' but wait until I get through with them, they'll wish they never started this thing."

O'Reilly also announced that he will be collaborating with Fox colleague John Gibson to write a new book, "The War On Little Christmas: How The Liberals And ACLU Are Plotting To Steal January 6th".

Gibson is the author of "The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse Than You Thought"

O'Reilly indicated that he has approached legislators "in Congress, as well as every state in the Union", lobbying for laws to be passed to protect "Little Christmas" and impose a mandatory fine for "anyone that takes their tree and decorations down before January 6th."

"We want the tinsel and the lights, it's what make it the great holiday that it is," said O'Reilly.

When it was pointed out to the bellicose host, that January 6th, for Latinos all over the world, is "La Fiesta de Reyes" or "Three Kings Day", O'Reilly scoffed;

"Hey, maybe you haven't heard, this is America. Let them go back over the borders they crossed illegally and have all the holidays they want."

"Then," O'Reilly added, "I'm sure the ACLU will jump right in and say were' violating this, or infringing on that. Those Nazis will work their fingers to the bone to take away the small joy you, I and all the Average Joe's out there enjoy. I tell ya, it's just not fair."

To motivate and inspire his staff, to join the battle to "Save Christmas", Bill O'Reilly frequently works throughout the day dressed as Santa Claus

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At Hewlett Packard's Wall Street Analyst Meeting Yesterday

10. If Carly was still running the show, we'd be having this meeting in St. Barts

9. You saw it already! I'd probably get fired if anyone saw me coming out of "Brokeback Mountain"

8. Didn't this guy used to make cash registers?

7. I'll bet, by the time they spin off the Printer Division, Google will be eating their lunch with something that can print better or faster

6. If Brian Williams spent a day with this guy, they'd have to wake him out of the chair by about 10AM …

5. If he brings up anything on merging with AOL, see if we still Carly's number in the Rolodex and how soon she can come back

4. A "blend company?" What are they doing out there, making computers or coffee?

3. I still have my HP iPod, what about you?

2. I heard the have a deal to get "HP Invent" on the President's new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

1. Jeez, if their financial forecast was any more cautious, they' d make Sam Walton look like Dennis Kozlowski

Tuesday 13 December 2005

Iraq Pulls Late Switch On Voters; Will Follow Red Sox And Have Two Presidents

Leaving Iraqi Lights On For Boy Wonder Epstein To Join New Government; Red Sox Announce New Viewing Charge

Showing admiration for the Boston Red Sox naming co-General Managers, the Iraq National Congress threw its' voters, and the Bush Administration, a curveball by announcing they will add a second Presidential candidate and run the new government with "Co-Presidents".

"They won the World Series last year, they are very competitive and profitable," said U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad
"They have fierce rivalries, just like the country of Iraq. It will be a good operational model to follow"

According to Prime Minister Ibraheem AL.Jafari, members of the Iraqi Parliament met in an all-night session last night, following the Boston Red Sox naming Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington as co-General Managers, and as early voting began in Iraq.

"We know it's late in the game, as they say over in America, so we had to make the quick decision.

Larry Lucchino, Boston Red Sox President and CEO, was flattered by the Iraq announcement.

"I knew we carried a lot of weight in Red Sox Nation," said Lucchino, "but I didn't know our reach went all the way to Iraq.

President Jalal Talabani is reported to be in favor of the move to have co-Presidents. In a very brief press conference, Talabani indicated that "it will be good that it isn't all on one person, and that one person being myself."

The Bush Administration was stunned by the announcement, clearly indicating they were unaware of the talks going on inside the Iraqi Government.

"The President," said Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary, "sees this as a positive step towards the building of democracy in Iraq.

McClellan declined comment if President Bush will have to rewrite his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" or just add new chapters.

"The President is confident in his plans, as is," offered McClellan.

Ambassador Khalilzad said that "the President being a former owner of a baseball team should work will with this new arrangement".

President Bush was a former owner of the Major League Baseball team, the Texas Rangers.

In dropping another shoe, President Talabani indicated that the Iraqi Government has begun talks with former Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein. Epstein resigned back in November, after guiding the Red Sox to their World Series victory in 2004, breaking an 86-year drought.

Epstein, at the time, was the youngest General Manager in Major League Baseball.

Epstein's resignation stunned the Red Sox and their fans, as it appeared that the General Manager was about to sign a new contract. Rumors have suggested that Epstein bristled at not having autonomy and would continue having to report to Lucchino, his mentor.

Since the resignation, a constant buzz as been growing that Epstein will return to the Red Sox and, up until yesterday, in the role of filling the still vacant GM position. And Lucchino did nothing to dismiss the rumors, saying;

I would be 'fair to say there have been some general discussions about Theo coming back, but premature to discuss what role, if any, Theo could have.

''All we're saying is we'll keep the light on in the window, the door ajar, and if there's a fit, we'd like to see it happen."

'We've put the lights on here in Iraq," said Talabani. 'Our doors are open and we would welcome Mr. Epstein and his expertise."

The Iraqis, and the Bush Administration are preparing now for another war front - the bidding frenzy that will likely erupt on bringing Epstein to the Iraq Government.

Lucchino, and his two new co-General Managers, responded back to the Iraqis, attempting to steer them away from Epstein and gauging their interest in slugger Manny Ramirez, who, again, has asked to be traded, a move the Red Sox would like to accomplish , if only to unburden the team from Ramirez's huge contract.

There have been unconfirmed reports that New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is in talks with a number of Mid-East countries, as to bringing in "Yankee-style government" as a means to keep pace with bitter rivals, the Red Sox.

Commissioner Bud Selig is expected to approve the arrangement of Iraq co-Presidents and the Red Sox, so far, have not asked for any compensation.

To build up their own War Chest, the Red Sox announced today, that, as of the beginning of the 2006 season, fans will be charged $2.50 to look at Fenway Park from the outside, if they are not holding tickets.

The Red Sox, who have been aggressively renovating and expanding Fenway Park, as well as purchasing property around Fenway Park and entering commercial development deals. It's all part of their master plan to maximize revenue for baseballs smallest venue.

Lucchino confirmed the $2.50 "View Charge" and indicated that any person can purchase 'Red Sox Blinders' if they want to avoid having to pay the fee. The Red Sox have invested in sophisticated high technology and have a system in place that can determine if passerby's are taking "peeks or glimpses" of the famous ballpark.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV), responding for the Democrats, criticized the Iraq co-President move as "another example of the President not having a plan". Reid also cautioned the Iraqi's to "watch your wallets".

"This President, as an owner of a baseball team, extorted a city to build him a new stadium, and then turned around an sold the team at an obscene profit. Be careful that you don't build a new country, only to have President Bush turn around and sell off Iraq."













With widespread critical acclaim, and after receiving 7 Golden Globe nominations this morning, Tom Cruise was spotted running to catch a screening of "Brokeback Mountain"

Top Ten Cloves: What Saudi Prince Gets For Giving Harvard $20-Million

10. Guess which Ivy League school doesn't have to pay for its' heating oil anymore as long as a certain student gets all "A's"?

9. He gets to meet Ali McGraw, but no commitments that "Love Story, The Sequel" will come out of it

8. Camel Racing is now a new Ivy League sport

7. Harvard will develop new, state-of-art, robotic jockeys for the camel racing

6. Harvard will put all their best brains to work on figuring out how EuroDisney can make money

5. No more Weidner; It's now called the "Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal" Library

4. He can fill Harvard Yard with as much sand as he wants

3. Respects Harvard President Larry Summer's views on woman

2. Gets to give the Bush Family shit whenever Harvard beats Yale

1. To be able to say "I pahked my cah in Hahvid Yahd" without a trace of accent

Monday 12 December 2005

White House, GOP Deny Obama Charge; Call For "Intelligent Ownership" Alternatives

Voucher Program For Private Schools To Offer Curriculum "Since Public Schools Won't Be Around Much Longer"

In a keynote address at the annual meeting of Florida Democrats at Walt Disney World Saturday evening, Illinois Senator Barak Obama charged that the Republicans controling the Federal Government are practicing "Social Darwinism", drawing sharp criticism from White House, the GOP and Televangelist Pat Robertson this morning.

Obama (D-IL), the only African American in the U.S. Senate, offered the gathering the glaring example of how "some Hurricane Katrina victims in New Orleans still live in cars while Republicans in Washington prepare next week to enact $70 billion in tax breaks".

"It's sink or swim," said the recently Grammy-nominated Senator.

As Reuters reported, Obama stated "It's called the 'Ownership society' in Washington. This isn't the first time this philosophy has appeared. It used to be called Social Darwinism."

This morning, the White House criticized Obama for "exploiting the issue of Hurricane Katrina" and that he was "appropriating the President's agenda for 2006."

"The President", offered White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "will be submitting to the new Congress after the holiday break a comprehensive plan for 'Intelligent Ownership'."

A short time later, in her own press conference, Department of Education Secretary Margaret Spellings confirmed that the Administration is "laying out" an "Intelligent Ownership" plan.

"It's at the top of the list", said Spellings. "It very comprehensive and it will have a Voucher Program with it, for private schools to offer 'Intelligent Ownership' alternatives, since we can't count on public schools being around much longer."

In keeping with the President's vision for "Intelligent Ownership, Spellings clarified that the "Voucher Program is more, or less, moral support. The private schools will have to pick up the tab for it, or get sponsorships to implement the program".

President Bush set off a firestorm of controversy earlier this summer, when speaking with a group of Texas reporters, the President advocate that he believed "Intelligent Design" should be taught in schools, alongside with the competing theories of evolution.

A broad spectrum of the scientific community is critical of "Intelligent Design", saying there is no scientific evidence to support it, no education value in teaching it and that it is false marketing effort to introduce religious and Chrisitian thinking to students.

Fred Spilhaus, executive director of the American Geophysical Union (AGU) said that "what the president has done is give impetus to people who would like to push their side of this agenda, and that's a real problem."

"President confuses science and belief, puts schoolchildren at risk."

The American Institute of Biological Sciences, the American Physical Society and the American Astronomical Society also released statements saying that intelligent design has no place in the science classroom.

In September, the issue went into the court system after a Dover, PA school board was sued, over the seperation of Church-and-State, for requiring students to hear about Intelligent Design in a biology class.

In a subsequent election, the entire schoold board was voted out-of-office, drawing the ire of Conservative Christian televangelist Pat Robertson, who warned the citizens of Dover, PA “I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected him from your city,” on his daily television show “The 700 Club.”

Obama stated to the Florida Democrats that "they have a philosophy they have implemented and that is doing exactly what it was designed to do. They basically don't believe in government. They have a different philosophy that says, 'We're going to dismantle government'."

Naming the Republican Party directly, Obama charged that they believe, "You are on your own to buy your own health care, to buy your own retirement security ... to buy your own roads and levees."

When apprised of Obama's comments, Robertson declined comment, saying only that "I hope the good Senator doesn't need God's help anytime soon."

Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman, slammed Obama, saying that "he's following Lieberman, since the Democrats have no ideas of their own to implement."

"This is more of the Democratic Party's 'rejectionist' vision," said Mehlman. "They can't accept how the President has established a strong foreign policy, with bringing democracy and victory to Iraq so they are not going to get behind the President's strong and clear domestic policies."

"Maybe he has stardust in his eyes," offered Mehlman. "He's up for a Grammy Award so he's probably been hanging out with those liberal Hollywood-types."

In Washington, Bob Woodward, Washington Post reporter and author, told his editor and colleagues that he'd be "really envious of Obama if he wins that Grammy."


















President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney said, according to the White House, that they "enjoyed very much" the private screening of "Brokeback Mountain" and that it "brought back some good memories from some days down in Crawford"

The White House insisted the President was referring to the work of clearing brush and horse riding only

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Wikipedia Plans To Beef up Security for Entries

10. Ordering a new program, very similar to the security used by credit card companies

9. Nothing, but will add new section on that troublemaker, John Seigenthaler

8. All entries must now be handwritten and submitted by mail

7. Unknown, can't reach Founder Jimmy Wales; Police believe he fled on bus to New Mexico or Las Vegas

6. "Hey, you're either with us or against us"

5. Goodbye Open Source and Hello Paid Entry Fees!

4. Must deliver entries in-person, have four pieces of identification and submit to DNA and Drug Testing

3. Only "brainy, egghead types" can make entries from now on

2. Will ask Match.Com what they did to get past their "fake profiles" and "rigged dates" scandal

1. Have to wait until the Iraqi company they outsourced to has trained enough people to work the site by themselves

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 10 December 2005

In an effort to battle rising unemployment, the European Union audtioned thousands of applicants to fill newly created jobs as "human flags"













Citing the rising cost of energy prices, Santa Claus, seen here training in an undisclosed Artic location, is parking the sleigh this year and will deliver all the toys and gifts via swimming. Instead of coal, bad children will receive a piece of coral in their stockings














An arrest warrent was issued for the Dalai Lama in The Netherlands, after he failed to show up in court to defend against assault charges. The High Priest is accused of "headbutting a minor".














The Pentagon announced Friday that all military personnel will soon be issued a pocket-sized edition of the "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", so that "there is never a doubt" about what the mission is.















A new communique from Osama bin Laden, warned not of any new terror strikes but of, beginning in January, all new broadcasts from the Al-Qaeda leader will be in High Definition TV.















Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
warms up for her upcoming appearance on the "Tonight Show", where she will join host Jay Leno in a skit, reprising the late Johnny Carson's "Carnac the Magnificent".

Friday 9 December 2005

Lieberman Officially Withdraws From 2000 Ticket; Prelude To Taking Bush Cabinet Post

With Rumsfeld Saying He's Staying, Appointment May Hinge On Cheney Indictment For Last Political Hoorah

DNC, Dean, Gore Livid: Must Fill VP Position Retroactively Or Face Default On Top Of Loss

Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT) stunned colleagues and his own party elders when he filed today, the official paperwork to remove himself from the 2000 Presidential ticket, as Al Gore's Vice Presidential running-mate.

The Gore-Lieberman ticket lost to now President George Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney in the bitterly contested election, that required the United States Supreme Court to settle and decide the race, after a deeply flawed vote count in the State of Florida.

Washington insiders say the move by Lieberman, who has recently been backing President Bush's vision and strategy for the War in Iraq, is likely a formality, a prelude to Lieberman joining, as has been hotly rumored all over the Capital, the Bush Administration, possiblly replacing a retiring Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense.

The Democratic National Committee, and its' Chairman, Gov. Howard Dean, issued a statement lambasting Lieberman "for his betrayal".

"He must be a loser if he wants to join a losing team", said Dean.

Former Vice President, and 2000 Presidential nominee Al Gore said that he "was deeply disappointed" and if he had known, "would never have chosen Lieberman" as his running mate.

A spokesperson for the Federal Election Committee indicated that Liberman can, legally, withdraw from the race "even though it's over".

"It's really just a matter of filing out some forms", said the spokesperson.

The Withdrawal forms are then copied to both poltical parties, and, in the case of the 2000 election, copies were also sent to the Supreme Court.

According to the FEC spokesperson Gore must choose a new running-mate, despite that the election is over, or legally and technically, he will be faced with a default, on top of the already-recorded loss.

And late yesterday, cold water was splashed on the rumors when Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated that he is not retiring anytime soon.

"I have no plans to retire," said Rumsfeld. "Those reports have been flying around since about four months after I assumed my post in 2001."

President Bush has not, publically, indicated, that he is ready to bring Lieberman into the Administration. However. The President has gone out of his way to praise and quote Liberman as he stumps to promote his new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

To counter the blistering and growing criticism, from Democrats, and also Republican members of the House and Senate, the President cites Senator Lieberman, one of his strongest Democratic supporters, and Lieberman's comments that "visible and practical progress were obvious in Iraq"

Lieberman, in speeches, has lined himself up with President Bush, saying that “the war (in Iraq), which arguably began as a “war of choice” has become a “war of necessity”

Liberman also chided his fellow Democrats, calling that "it is time for Democrats who distrust President Bush to acknowledge that he will be Commander-in-Chief for three more critical years, and that in matters of war we undermine Presidential credibility at our nation’s peril".

Lieberman has refused comment on whether he plans to join the Bush Administration, deferring questions to RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman.

'He's out on the ledge right now", says David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party.

"With Rummy saying he's staying, Lieberman's only hope, really, is if Cheney gets indicted. There aren't any other Cabinet members shaking out in the forseeable future".

"This is", says Aarsonson, "really his last hurrah. Weicker is lining up, possibly, to run against him in '06' and Hillary will eat his lunch if he goes for the nomination in 2008".

Vice President Cheney's Chief of Staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby was indicted back in October, in the CIA Leak Case, in the CIA Leak Case, and Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald is continuing the investigation, having recently convined a secord grand jury to hear evidence.

Speculation is rampent that longtime Bush aide Karl Rove, and possibly Cheney and other administration officials could be hit with indictments.

In a related story, Bob Woodward, Washington Post reporter and author, says that he knew of the 2000 Presidental Election results and the courts battles that followed, but didn't tell his editors or colleagues because he was "afraid they would want me to write a book on it".

Joe Lieberman's withdrawal from the 2000 Democratic ticket places former Vice President Al Gore in jeopardy of having a "default" added to his loss

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Chris Rock Won't Be Hosting The Oscars This Year

10. Older Academy members thought his UPN show "Everybody Hates Chris" was a news report and complained

9. Fearful that Ann Coulter will heckle and throw pies at him

8. Collin Farrell, Toby Maguire and Chris Penn threatened to kick his ass if he shows up

7. He's not part of the "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

6. Jude Law threatened the Academy with a lawsuit

5. ABC couldn't risk what he would say about "Brokeback Mountain" or "Memoirs of a Geisha"

4. Getting flak from American Family Association, because he had use of a leased Jaguar last year

3. Since people say he "bombed" last year, worried about Air Marshalls on flight out to Hollywood and what they might do

2. Holding out that he still has a chance to get named as another anchor of 'Nightline'

1. Kayne West was right; Bush Administration put some heat on Academy to get a white host this year

Thursday 8 December 2005

Bush Team Miffed 'Podcast" Wins Word-Of-Year; Cites Media Lockout of Good News

Sponsored Three Words For Award; Apple To Issue Special Edition "Dictionary-Thick" iPod

It may become the new "war of words" as the New Oxford American Dictionary announced that "Podcast" is its' Word-of-the-Year, a move that has upset the Bush Administration.

White House Chief of Staff Andy Card said in a statement that "we are deeply disappointed".

The White House sponsored three words this year for the title of 'Word-of-the-Year; Terrorist, Karl Rove and, a late entry, National Strategy For Victory In Iraq.

'The White House, WHIG and a whole team of right-wing pundits made a tremendous effort", said Card. "We beat the drum long and loud for 'terrorist' and 'Karl Rove'. Though we came in late with the 'National Strategy entry, we believed it had the strength to rise up the ladder".

The White House was completely shut out of the awards, as Runners-up for the 2005 Word of the Year included "bird flu", "lifehack", "sudoku", "trans fat" and "persistent vegetative state".

Ironically, IED (improvised explosive device, such as a car bomb) was a Runner-up finalist, however that word was sponsored by Al-Qaeda.

In a candid interview with reporters, Card said "we did waiver a bit on 'terrorist'".

'The President wasn't as consistent with it as he could have been", admitted Card. "For awhile, he was running with 'global enemies' and there was the constant inter-changing with the word 'insurgents'. I think Rummy [Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld] finally put it out last week, that it was just plain old 'terrorists'".

Card lamented that Karl Rove "wasn't indicted" in the CIA Leak Case.

"That still may come to pass", said Card. "It it had happened earlier, or along with Scooter, I think it would have been a slam dunk we get the title".

Speaking officially for the President, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said that "the President believes that the real story isn't getting out there".

"The President feels that the mainstream and liberal media in this country, as well as in Europe, are ignoring the tremendous effort and progress we are making in Iraq. Not winning Word-of-the-Year is just another example of being overlooked."

Apple Computer, according to a spokesperson, was "ecstatic" on having "podcast" enter the mainstream lexicon.

To celebrate the title, Apple quickly announced a new "Word-of-the-Year" iPod that will be release early in 2006.

Moving away from the standard, micro, paper-thin iPods, the "Word-of-the-Year" iPod will be "as thick as a dictionary" and have the capacity to "hold the contents of ten dictionaries, plus over 1-million songs".

"You could jump-start your car with the battery from this iPod", said the Apple spokesperson.

In releasing the new "Word-of-the-Year" iPod, Apple will also make available for downloading, dictionaries, from a new section in their iTune franchise, tentatively titled iWord. Only owners of the Special Edition "Word-of-the-Year iPod will be able to download from iWord, and can do so, either purchasing the entire dictionary, specific letters, or a la carte words.















In an exclusive photo provided to The Garlic, Apple Computer engineers work on the soon-to-be-released Special Edition Word-of-the-Year iPod, expected to be available in early 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Worse Than Ann Coulter Being Unable To Finish Her Speech At College

10. That the college says they'll bring her back to finish speech

9. It will probably spur her book sales

8. Fodder for Hannity & Colmes to harp about for the next two-weeks

7. President Bush thinks of her as a "positive" in his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

6. Actually, President Bush's new Iraq strategy just might allow her to "Christianize the Muslims at gunpoint"

5. Ann Coulter starting a speech

4. She has the potential to actually learn how to write and speak intelligently some day

3. Likely to become a Bill O'Reilly "Talking Points Memo"

2. In what has to be a sign of the End of Days, she marries Rush Limbaugh and they have children!

1. Since she's on Fox News programs so much, they actually give her a show of her own

Wednesday 7 December 2005

Bush Cites Progress In Rebranding Iraq As Terror Center

WHIG Relieved As President Dismisses Critics and Media; Goes Retro To Tie In Pearl Harbor

Despite admitting of "some problems", President Bush today, in his second speech to define his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", went back to the original gameplan in branding the Iraq insurgency as "terrorists" and labeling, overall, that "we must recognize Iraq as the central front in the war on terror."

White House officials were nervous today, as the President gave his speech, to the Council on Foreign Relations - his first to a non-uniformed, military audience in recent memory. The President also abandoned his new term, "rejectionists" and returned to the straight-ahead title of "terrorists".

"We're still working on that", cited Dan Bartlett, Special Councilor to the President. "He's been so used to saying 'terrorist" that 'rejectionist' just doesn't roll off his tongue that easily".

The White House Iraq Group, led by Karl Rove and Andy Card, and whose members includes Karen Hughes, Mary Matalin, James R. Wilkinson, Nicholas E. Calio, Condoleezza Rice, Stephen Hadley (and,, formerly, Lewis (Scooter) Libby, issued a statement in which they stated "relief that the President hasn't put us out of business".

"We have too much invested," the statement read, "to have to backtrack at this point. There's a great deal of misinformation and smears that we've yet to release".

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, a WHIG member, also stayed on message yesterday, defending the Bush Administration's use of the secret prisions and "extraordinary rendition", warning European allies of withholding United States support if they insist on criticizing the United States anti-terror programs.

Invoking the Administration's original position of "you're either with us or against us", Rice told the European Union "That co-operation is a two-way street," arguing European lives had been saved as a result.

"It is up to those governments and their citizens to decide if they wish to work with us to prevent terrorist attacks against their own country or other countries, and decide how much sensitive information they can make public," she added

Bartlett indicated that all members of the Bush Administratioin "are on the job" and that "getting back to our core message is like riding a bicycle".

Yesterday, Vice President Cheney, in a speech at Fort Drum in northern New York got on message and offered additional support to the President's "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", heavy-handedly dismissing critics, saying "a sudden withdrawal would be unwise in the extreme."

"To leave that country before the job is done would be to hand Iraq over to car bombers and assassins," he said.

The President used his speech today to refocus the publics attention that Iraq is the spot, as the Administration has contended, as the vortex of terrorism.

"The terrorists have made it clear that Iraq is the central front in their way against humanity," he said. "So we must recognize Iraq as the central front in the war on terror."

Senator John Murtha (D-PA), who has been openly critical of the Bush Administration's handling of the War in Iraq, and two-weeks ago, called for a stragegic, planned withdrawal is dismissive of the President calling Iraq "the centor front on the war on terror", citing U.S. Military data that says "only about 7%" of the attacks carried out in Iraq are from Al-Qeada and other terror groups.

The President surprised even the WHIG members by going off script in his speech today by tying in the attack on Pearl Harbor 64-years ago to the present fight against terrorism.

"Today, we mark the anniversary of a fateful day in American history," he said. "On Dec. 7, 1941, our peaceful nation awoke to an attack plotted in secret and executed without mercy."

The President added that the attack of Pearl Harbor roused "a great generation of Americans" and that the terrorist attacks of four-years ago would continue to be avenged.

As had been widely reported and covered, from both independent and Congressional investigations, no link between Saddam Hussein and the 9/11 attacks has ever been established.

Bartlett refused to comment on the President, and Administration repeated use of tying the Iraqi War to Sept 11th but did say it "was a nice touch, to bring in Pearl Harbor".

Washington Post Reporter and author Bob Woodward indicated that he "has heard of Pearl Harbor" and believes he "knows the full story" but has yet to advise is editors and colleagues of that information.

President Bush today, following his speech, introduced two new agents in his "Nationa Strategy For Victory In Iraq", indicating the pair is "pure dynamite".

Top Ten Cloves: Ramifications For Ford Motor Co. Dropping Advertising In Gay Publications

10. Will have to eat the RuPaul endorsement contract

9. Continuing talks with American Family Association; Can offer juicy dirt on Chrysler if they leave Ford alone

8. Scared at least 15% of Ford Executives to stay in the closet

7. Sales people don't have to bother with the "Don't Ask/Don't Tell" part of the pitch

6. Can drop the optional "Mini-Liberace-Chandelier" for special-edition Jaguars

5. Still being hounded by Vatican, to get sales records of any priests that bought Land Rovers or Jaguars

4. Got strong endorsement from Tom Cruise, who said he'll keep driving his Jaguar

3. Working on spinning dropping Gay advertising is part of President Bush's new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

2. Glad boycott called off but knows it will lose about 35% of sales to Conservative Christians who will protest the cancelled Ads

1. Stuck with 25,000 Melissa Etheridge-Edition Land Rovers

Tuesday 6 December 2005

Cheney Backs DeLay At Fundraiser, Despite Upheld Charges

VP Promises Former House Leader "Strong Iraq Press"; Cheney Takes Cut From Gate For New "Bunker" Fund

Representative Tom DeLay's (R-TX) comeback was derailed yesterday as a Texas Judge let stand two substantial charges of money laundering, after dismissing a third charge of conspiracy to violate the election code by making an illegal corporate contribution.

The charges against DeLay, that forced him to resign from his House Majority Leader post, involve $190,000 of corporate donations that the state says was routed through Republican National Committee to Texas-based Republican political actions committees and then to Texas Republicans running for office in the Texas legislature.

According to the New York Times, Dick DeGuerin, DeLay's lawyer, said, "We won more than they did," contending that the remaining charges would be "impossible to prove."

DeLay denies the charges and, as a precautionary move, as reported by The Garlic, DeLay signed a deal with a Japanese firm to handle his money laundering.

"Tommy know more ways to skin an armadillo that anyone else in Texas", said Billy "Spurs" Hollingworth, editor of the newsletter, "On The Take", that tracks Tom DeLay.

In an effort to deflect the news that he will have to stand trial, DeLay got a boost of support from Vice President Dick Cheney, who appeared at a hurricane-postponed GOP fundraiser in Houston last night, singing the praises of DeLay, saying that "he valued the support Mr. DeLay has shown to the president and vice president in both the good times and difficult times. He's not a fair-weather friend."

The fundraiser had been scheduled for September, until Hurricane Rita struck, with the top-dollar tickets selling for $4,200.

In addition to praising DeLay, Cheney also offered the Bush Administrations support.

"I can tell you now", said the Vice President, "that the Iraqi press will be giving you very favorable coverage and, I will predict, that you will win the unanimous endorsement of every single newspaper over there".

As to the charges against DeLay, the Vice President laid blame on "the lying liberal media and that candy-ass, "#@%$!" Senator John McCain", drawing a boisterous response from the crowd.

Cheney, upon leaving the event, refused to confirm or deny that, over this past weekend, he held Senator McCain, against his will in the Secret Bunker, in an effort to have McCain drop his position against allowing any torture of captured terrorists.

DeLay will be facing former U.S. Congressman Nick Lampson, who served four terms in the U.S. House before his Southeast Texas district was redrawn to elect a Republican in a DeLay-engineered plan, in the 2006 Congressional Elections.

Cheney's appearance, and support, at the DeLay fundraiser was said to come at a steep price.

The Vice President, according to Hollingsworth, "was getting 40% of the gate".

"He's calling it 'The Bunker Fund'. It goes towards all the things they can't pay for over-the-table. The Iraqi media, the secret prisons and the legal fund, for Scooter Libby. I hear that they're building another fund to defend against the torture cases coming down the road".













In boasting of that the U.S. economy was "booming", President Bush cited that "even hats are very popular and selling extremely well this holiday season".

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Were Different With The White House Christmas Party Yesterday

10. The Lincoln Group wrote all new Christmas music

9. They used the Lincoln Bedroom to torture suspected terrorists, but with a Holiday theme to it

8. Because of his pending trial, Jack Abramoff couldn't funnel in as much money to it this year

7. Instead of being kissed under the holly, person had to come with another reason to justify staying in Iraq

6. The Christmas Tree in the West Wing was just like the ones they'll be cutting down in Alaska when they begin to drill for oil

5. No punch this year - Former FEMA Director Michael Brown was supposed to bring it

4. Gifts were wrapped with Iraqi newspapers, but each had a personalized headline

3. Vice President Cheney was at Texas fundraiser for Tom DeLay but sent his #@$%#! Regards

2. White House Staff pitched in to get President Bush new DVD player- Old one was burnt out from over usage

1. Lewis 'Scooter" Libby was Santa Claus this year - it was the only way they could get him into the White House

Breaking News!
McCain Says Abducted and Grilled By Cheney; Won't Budge On Torture Ban

Held For Two-Days In Secret Bunker; Hadley Defends 'Discussion", Saying Part of New National Victory Strategy

Only hours before his appearance with Tim Russert, on NBC's "Meet The Press", Senator John McCain was released from Vice President Dick Cheney's Secret Bunker, after what McCain says was "two-days of being grilled" over McCain's efforts to ban the U.S. Military from torturing detainees.

The Arizona Republican, himself a victim of torture from when he was a prisoner-of-war during the Vietnam conflict, said that he "was held against my will" and "harshly interrogated and threatened' by the Vice Presidents and "at least three other people".

McCain says that it was suggested that he could be shipped to one of the CIA-run "Black Holes" if he didn't change his position and take the torture ban language out of pending legislation.

McCain has declined and refused to back away from the banning of torture.

McCain (R-AZ) has a pending amendment in the Senate that would ban torture and inhumane treatment of prisoners that Vice President Cheney opposes and has sought and lobbied for an exemption for the CIA and their covert "black holes".

McCain says he was invited by the Vice President to the Secret Bunker on Thursday evening, for dinner and "to talk". Upon his arrival, McCain says he was "drugged" with a pre-dinner cocktail and handcuffed to a chair. There, the grilling began, with Cheney and others verbally badgering McCain to "take out the torture ban".

McCain believes he "passed out" during the second day and only remembers being dropped off in front of the studio for his "Meet The Press" appearance.

While host Tim Russert made no mention of how McCain looked, blogger Arianna Huffington did, noting in her weekly "Russert Watch" column that "the marquee guest was John McCain. Or, should I say, "John McCain." The guy who showed up on Meet the Press this morning looked like McCain, but didn't sound like McCain …"

Stephen Hadley, Assistant to the President For National Security Affairs, was on ABC's "This Week," yesterday morning and defended President Bush's assertion that the United States does not torture detainees and follows international conventions on the treatment of prisoners.

When reached for comment on the McCain charges, Hadley did confirm a "dinner" that he attended on Thursday with McCain and the Vice President.

"It was a dinner and post-dinner discussion", offered Hadley. "Both Senator McCain and the Vice President have strong beliefs on this subject and it was a spirited talk at times. As to hold the Senator against his will, I can't say I witnessed that.

Hadley added that "if McCain was held and grilled" that it would likely be "part of the new National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" and "completely justified".

"Then again, as I can recount", said Hadley. "It was merely a dinner and a hearty, at time, fierce, debate by two great U.S. patriots".

Hadley also pointed out to the favorable coverage by the Iraqi media as to the "intelligence-gathering techniques" employed by the CIA and U.S. Military.












The White House announced today, that in order to reach a younger audience with the new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", President Bush recorded "a really def rap" version of it, that will run on MTV, VH! and other youth-oriented television programs