Saturday, December 31, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 31 December 2005

New evidence surfaced this week, of racial prejudice during the relief effort in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. An internal video conference shows Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff using the "White Power" salute when issuing orders to FEMA personnel

Citing the recent revelations that President Bush ordered wiretapping and eavesdropping of American citizens, God announced that Hell has frozen over.

In a related matter, the White House admitted today, due to information gathered on NSA wiretaps, they broke up an "internation plot" when they siezed a Mr. Santa Claus entering the country illegally on December 24 or 25th and are holding the North Pole resident as an Enemy Combatant

To help pay, for what legal experts says will be a staggering amount, in the millions, for their defense, former Enron executives are issuing a series of trading cards, that will list the charges and sentence on the back, of all the former Enron employees responsible for the company's failure.

Unlike other trading cards, the Enron series will lose all value within a matter of weeks after purchase.

Nearly three-years after the start of the Iraq War, the Defense Department is finally issuing the new "Smart Turban" helmets for all troops deployed in the region. The features of the "Smart Turban" are classified, however Pentagon officials say they are "very comfortable" and that the troops "love'em".

The International Cricket Association announced this week that, like many other professional sports, their game has also become prisoner to remarkable feats and shattered records due to steroids

Major League Baseball said this week that they are adding another penalty to their recently-announced Steroid Abuse Policy. First-time users, in addition to being suspended and fined, will also get "a good backhand" from Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Wednesday 28 December 2005

Bush, White House Aiding Chalabi; Will Appeal Election Results To Supreme Court

Iraqi Exile Leader To Provide Bush Team With New Misleading Intelligence; President "Wants WMD's This Time"

Already raising legal eyebrows, for having the U.S. Justice Department join in the pending Anna Nicole Smith case coming before the high court in February 2006, The Garlic has learned today that a team of White House and Justice Dept. lawyers are in Iraqi, preparing papers and briefs for longtime exile leader Ahmed Chalabi to appeal his apparent loss in the Iraqi elections to the U.S. Supreme Court.

Sources tell The Garlic that Chief Justice John Roberts has already been notified that an appeal will be filed, possibly within days.

'They're pretty confident," said one senior official, who in not authorized to speak on-the-record, "that the court will put Chalabi in the government. It's being done with a nod-and-a-wink to Roberts, to use the Bush v. Gore precedent."

Back in December of 2000, the Supreme Court, under the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist, ruled that George Bush won the deeply contested Presidential election, despite, allegedly, not having the most votes.

"Miers, and a whole team from Justice are pouring over the Iraqi results, looking for, and in some cases, really stretching, to find similarities there, with the Florida vote and count of 2000."

With over 95% of the December 15th voting ballots counted, surprising and unexpectedly low support from overseas voters has Chalabi facing being left without a seat in the first full-term of the new Iraq Parliament.

In return for the support, Chalabi is said to be working on creating a new batch of misleading intelligence, including new information and freshly drawn maps, of where Saddam Hussein, the former Iraqi dictator, hid his Weapons of Mass Destruction.

"The White House has made it very clear," said the official, "that they want the WMD's this time."

The news of the United States actively pushing Chalabi into a role with the new Iraqi government is adding to the growing tensions over the election results.

With the United Iraqi Alliance, the Shiite-led coalition, soaring ahead with a commanding lead in the voting, protesters, primarily Sunni Arabs, are charging fraud, and calling for new elections.

The Independent Electoral Commission of Iraq, as well as a team from the United Nations, who has been assisting in the election, have stated that it was a "transparent, credible and good elections."

There are also signs that the President is taking other actions to assure Chalabi a seat.

Rumors have been circulating on Capital Hill that the President's agreement to extend the passage of the Patriot Act as a "quid pro quo" on inserting new language, specifically naming Chalabi and guaranteeing him a position of leadership in the Iraqi Assembly.

"Just like they did with the UN vote, wiretapping and eavesdropping Security Council members to gain knowledge on how they would vote." said one Senate aid, "the White House has been monitoring the Congress."

The President, it is said, also has legal briefs and papers, from White House council, as well as Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, that he can name Chalabi to the Iraqi Government under Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, as well as his authority via executive powers and by the vote of Congress on going to war in Iraq.

Gonzales said that the President was on "firm legal ground" to reach out to the Supreme Court, if necessary, and via "the Patriot Act, the war powers granted him by Congress."

''It would be legal for the President to take this action, as he has swore to uphold the laws. Legal authority is derived from the Constitution,'' he added

"He's going to milk these things," offered Sonny Earl, editor of a Supreme Court newsletter that monitors the court's activities, 'OMIB" ('The Original Men In Black').

"He'll wrap Chalabi up into National Security, using the same argument to justify his eavesdropping on American phone calls. I suspect the White House, if more trouble and indictments come down the line, will simply point to the Constitution, the Congress, the Patriot Act, as an excuse for their behaviors and then let it all get tied up in the courts for years to come."

Vice President Dick Cheney, and his staff, are said to be standing ready, to smear and defame anyone that challenges placing Chalabi into the Iraqi Government.

In a statement released by the Vice President's office, Cheney said that "Ahmed Chalabi is a valuable and trusted ally to the United States in our war against terrorism. He has provided key information that has allowed us to disrupt terrorist acts and we look forward to working with him in the future, to help keep the people of America, as well as around the world, safe."

"He's been instrumental," Cheney added, "in keeping them over there, and not here. In case anyone noticed, you haven't seen any mushroom clouds here in the past four years, have you?"

In his Christmas visit to Iraq, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld pulled a surprise "kitchen inspection" and chastised the staff, manning the food lines himself to demonstrate the proper amount of food to dispense.

Top Ten Cloves: Complaints Heard Most By Returns Departments This Christmas Season

10. The person that gave this to me said it was a "holiday" gift and not a "Christmas" gift

9. I live in New Orleans and I don't have a house to put it in

8. The candelabra isn't like the one Randy Cunningham has

7. Since I was outted as a covert CIA Agent, I don't need another trench coat

6. If I keep this gift, I might be subpoenaed by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald

5. Donald Rumsfeld thinks I have too many gifts

4. I can't tell you the reason, it's classified as part of Vice President Dick Cheney's Secret Energy Meeting

3. Believe, because of gift, President Bush is eavesdropping on my telephone calls

2. I would have come during my lunch break but I work for Wal-Mart

1. The gift is sending me secret signals from David Letterman

Monday, December 26, 2005

Special Announcement - Barry Crimmins 2005 Year-In-Review

It's that time of year again and, arguably, America's best political satirist, Barry Crimmins, has his annual Year-In-Review, published by The Boston Phoenix;

"The Bonfire of the Inanities; Seriously, could it get any worse"

Barry Crimmins, was the founder of The Ding Ho, the legendary comedy club in Inman Square, Cambridge, MA, which launched Barry nationally, along with Steven Wright, Paula Poundstone, Bobcat Goldthwait, Kevin Meaney, Jimmy Tingle and many, many others. Barry also launched Boston's other fabled comedy club, Stitches, across the Charles River near Boston University.

Among his projects, Crimmins is a writer and commentator for Air America Radio's Randi Rhodes Show . In 2004, Seven Stores Press published Barry's first book, "Never Shake Hands with a War Criminal" and Barry's writing appears frequently in 'The Boston Phoenix' and the 'Cleveland Plain-Dealer'

Barry also has been a featured commentator on CNN, CSPAN, NBC, MSNBC and The Phil Donohue Show and also appeared in Fran Solimita's 'When Stand Up Stood Out', the critically acclaimed documentary about the Boston Comedy scene.

Barry received the Peace Leadership Award from Boston Mobilization for Survival. He has also been honored, along with Ms. Maya Angelou, with The Courage of Conscience Award from Wellesly College and The Life Experience School at The Peace Abbey in Sherborn, Massachusetts.

Community Works gave the Artist for Social Change Award to Barry for his years of activism.

Visit Barry Crimmins Website

Purchase "Never Shake Hands With A War Criminal"

Visit Seven Stories Press

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 26 December 2005

New York State Election Commissioners are waiting for Jeanine Piro to officially bow out of the U.S. Senate race against incumbent Hillary Clinton. A spokesperson for Piro indicated that the campaign staff was "still looking to find her withdrawal speech"

"Listen you eavesdropping-intelligence-twisting-Texas-turd-excuse of a President, you put up any walls along our border, and I wlll personally be the first one to scale it and enter the United States illegally!"

As part of his new, $52-Million contract with the New York Yankees, former Red Sox Johnny Damon, a bonus for cutting his hair and shaving his beard, Damon will get to use the barber chair in the vast centerfield of Yankee Stadium to sit in between pitches

Citing his "War Against Christmas" a success, Fox News Host Bill O'Reilly is mobilizing all the Santas' for a new campaign ...

O'Reilly, along with CNN's Lou Dobbs, is paying of the membership fees in the Minuteman Project that will allow the Santas' to join the vigilante group and patrol the U.S. Borders with Mexico

After his Christmas breakfast and opening gifts with his family, President Bush relaxed at Camp David by listening in on some live, holiday wiretaps