Saturday, March 11, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 11 March 2006

The "Oracle of Omaha", investor Warren Buffet rebuffed an offer from Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates to purchase Berkshire Hathaway, telling Gates, "Look Junior, you can develop all the gadets and gizmos you want, but my wallet will always be bigger than your wallet

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said yesterday, in reference to the election of the Hamas Party in Palestine, that "we won't get caught off-guard again" in announcing that the United States will "go back to fixing and rigging elections in other countries and the Third World"

The White House today, to dampen the criticism they've received, said that President Bush may end the NSA Wiretapping program, in favor of new technology, an "All Seeing Eye" ...

Inside sources say that the White House is licensing the new "All Seeing Eye" from golfer Tiger Woods, who employs the new technology as extra security when competing in major tournaments

An Inspector General's report criticized the Department of Homeland Security, for spending over $15-million to commission "Mermaid Statues" that were be placed in U.S. Ports "as a security deterrent" to would-be terrorists.

The report goes on to say that, rather then beefing up security, it's costing the department another $5-Million to maintenance the statues, which have become a landing and nesting spot for sea gulls

Sources tell The Garlic that the White House has become "very worried" over Vice President Dick Cheney, in the aftermath of his shooting incident.

Reports around the Capital say that Cheney has taken to drinking during working hours, including, openly, on the floor of Congress

Friday, March 10, 2006

Breaking News! Beta-Mode Settlement By Google Draws Disappointment

Fine Print Reveals Google Click Fraud Settlement Only In Beta Mode

No Money Being Paid Out; Advertisers Will Get Special, Unused Key Words and See Gmail Invites Double To 100

Thousands of advertisers, as well as a packed courtroom, were shocked yesterday, when details of the agreement to end the Google Click Fraud lawsuit were read into the court record.

The proposed settlement by Google is only a “beta-mode” offer, with no money or refund credits being paid.

Google will offer Lane's Gifts and Collectibles, who initiated the lawsuit on behalf of the Google advertisers, a batch of special, never-used key words, and double their Gmail Invitations to 100 during the beta-mode period.

“No big surprise here,” offered Daria Pannesi, editor of 'In The Loot', the newsletter for high tech dollar traders. ‘The plaintiffs should have seen this coming.”

There was no indication that Google’s Beta-Lobbyists were connected with the lawsuit, or the Beta-Mode Settlement.

The Google's money units, "Googlets" use a hyphen and Roman Numeral.

Unconfirmed reports are circulating that Google offered to settle the case with their "Googlets", the monetary system they launched last June, to compliment their 'Google Wallet', the pay system said to rival eBay's PayPal.

Ten Dollars in Googlets is known as 'Googlets-X', $20, as "Googlets-XX, and so on. For odd denominations, a combination of Roman Numerals and regular numbers is employed, such as $7 as 'Googlet-V2 or $23 as 'Googlet-XX3. There are no metal coins in the Googlet Monetary System.

The offer was rejected, according to court observers and soon after, the Beta-Mode Settlement was put into motion.

The lawsuit alleged Google, the online search engine leader, had overcharged thousands of advertisers who paid for phony sales referrals generated via Google’s “Adsense” program, in a practice known as "click fraud", and sought to conceal the magnitude of click fraud to avoid making refunds.

“There is a sense of disappointment,” said a spokesperson for Lane's Gifts and Collectibles, “however, we’ll hold off on making any official comments until after we see these unique key words.”

Beta-Mode Accident Shows Peek of Financial Projections

The news of the Beta-Mode Settlement come on the heels of Google accidentally releasing on its’ website, internal financial projections , showing AdSense, Google's core Internet advertising business, would see revenues grow by 55-percent in 2006, going from $6.1 billion last year, to $9.5 billion this year.

Google quickly released a statement, saying that “These notes were not created for financial planning purposes, and should not be regarded as financial guidance.”

The company would neither confirm nor deny that posting the revenue information was a “beta-mode accident” or a tease to Wall Street analysts, who have pressured Google for more financial information that they say is “a common practice” for public companies.

Until the appropriate "entity" is found, Dubai Ports World will employ specially trained birds to manage the six U.S. ports, pending approval, they say, by President Bush - "if he has such powers"

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things That NASA's Cassini May Find On Saturn's Moon Enceladus

10. A 65-million-year-old water slide park

9. All the old Apple Newton computers

8. The real, true secrets of the "The Da Vinci Code"

7. Quite inexplicably, photos of Paris Hilton

6. The answer to ABC News’s anchor problems

5. Really cool loofahs that would make Bill O’Reilly shout out Keith Olbermann’s name to get one

4. Ports being managed by Dubai Ports World with absolutely no problems

3. A handful of people, the only ones in the universe, who believe that Barry Bonds didn’t use steroids

2. The original Jolt Cola factory

1. A town, the exact replica of Groom Lake, Nevada, and known only as Area 50

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Faith-Based Offices To Be Part of Bush Private Government

Bush Punishes Revolters; With Signing Statement, Creates “Faith-Based Congress”

New Legislators Pledge Support To Bush Agenda; Sees Clear Sailing For Port Deal, Wiretaps, “Whatever He Wants”

After receiving a rebuke from House Republicans, promising to kill the Dubai Ports World's acquisition, President Bush stunned Capital Hill last night, making two bold moves, with a dose of criticism aimed at his detractors, that will further insulate him and clear the way to have unimpeded sailing in fulfilling his agenda.

After making a tour yesterday, of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, and squarely blaming the Congress for the slow progress in funding the repairs and clean-up, the President ordered the Department of Homeland Security to create, within 45-days, a center for faith-based and community initiatives that will eliminate obstacles as to providing federal funds to religious groups to deliver social services.

The bombshell came shortly after signing the Executive Order for this new office, when Bush then added a “Signing Statement” to it, creating a “Faith Based Congress”, that “supersedes any other elective congressional body and will be the only legislative body recognize by the Office of the President.”

While not citing any specific law or precedent, President Bush, according the White House statement released this morning, indicated the White House believes they are on solid legal footing, via the Constitution dealing with Presidential Powers, as well as the Powers of War that Congress has already given to the President.

“We see no reason, legal or otherwise, that prevents the President for taking this action,” said White House Spokesman, Scott McClellan.

Congress Stunned, Angry and Given 30-Day Notice To Clear Premises

Both Senate and House leaders were shocked by the news, after receiving a copy of the Executive Order and Signing Statement, and with that, a 30-Day Notice to “clear the premises”.

“I’m reviewing the videotapes on this today,” said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN), “and I can tell you right now, we may have to pull the Nuclear Option to save this august body. I would have never envisioned, much like the stocks I sold tanking, that we would have to use this harsh measure against the White House.”

“This is purely vindictive,” said Minority Leader, Senator Harry Reid (D-NV). “This is an unauthorized, preemptive strike against the Congress, much like his War in Iraq. I don’t know all the details yet, but it sounds like he’s planning an illegal occupation of the Congress.”

Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine) was dismissive of the President, as well as the two, new faith-based offices.

"If you still have poor leadership and inadequate resources, you're going to have the same results," Collins said.

Challenge To Save Congress May Come From Signing Statement Challenge

While most member of Congress believe the Nuclear Option will be ineffective in challenging the President, a growing number of legislators are looking at the use of Bush’s Signing Statements, and using the courts to bat down the orders.

“He’s using these Signing Statements as, essentially, a Line-Item Veto,” said Representative and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “He’s been acting like a kid in a tree house, writing his own laws and rules.”

John Dean, lawyer and convicted felon of the former President Nixon Administration, writing for FindLaw.Com, believes the Bush Administration has been abusing and misusing the Signing Statement provision.

While saying that Signing Statements are “old news” and that previous Presidents’ use of them was, typically, commentary or criticism of laws passed by Congress, Dean offers that President Bush has employed them to, essentially, extend the powers of the Executive Office.

Dean cites the book, By Order of the President: The Use and Abuse of Executive Direct Action, by Phillip Cooper, a leading expert on signing statements.

Dean writes;

By Cooper's count, George W. Bush issued 23 signing statements in 2001; 34 statements in 2002, raising 168 constitutional objections; 27 statements in 2003, raising 142 constitutional challenges, and 23 statements in 2004, raising 175 constitutional criticisms. In total, during his first term Bush raised a remarkable 505 constitutional challenges to various provisions of legislation that became law.

That number may be approaching 600 challenges by now. Yet Bush has not vetoed a single bill, notwithstanding all these claims, in his own signing statements, that they are unconstitutional insofar as they relate to him.”

Faith-Based Offices To Be Part of Bush Private Government

It is expected, according to sources close to the White House, that the two new, Faith-Based departments will become part of the private government that President Bush owns, as reported by The Garlic last month.

Speaking to reporters at a Cabinet Meeting, addressing a question about the furor over the Administration's secret approval of a $6.8 billion sale that will allow a United Arab Emirates company to control six critical ports, the President said;

"The more people learn about the transaction that has been scrutinized and approved by my government, the more they'll be comforted that our ports will be secure."

The White House stated that the President’s Cabinet would not change, but would not comment on, if the Center for Faith-Based and Community Initiatives and the Faith-Based Congress would be Cabinet-level status

Holy Rollers and Favorite Contractors Lining Up For Seats in Faith-Based Congress

The White House has not released yet just how large the Faith-Based Congress will be, or how many members it will have.

A list, with no notes or designations, was obtained by reporters, and it showed a wide-range of friends of the Administration, as well as Halliburton that may be the body of the Faith-Based Congress.

Halliburton, according to one source, is creating a “bevy of new subsidiaries” that would meet the parameters and qualifications for the two new Faith-Based Bush initiatives.

The list included Focus On Family and the Family Research Council, who sources said would likely oversee the Justice Sunday and other Sunday Rally programs, as well as Reverend Pat Robertson's Operation Blessing, the Catholic Charities, the United Methodist Committee on Relief and the Southern Baptists.

Unconfirmed reports have longtime Bush friend Grover Norquist’s Americans for Tax Reform and Project for the New American Century (PNAC) being guaranteed seats in the new Faith-Based Congress.

“All we had to do,” said a source who claims to be a member of the Faith-Based Congress, “was to pledge our support of the President’s agenda. The War in Iraq, the Dubai Port Deal, the Illegal Wiretapping, it’s all good. As long as we get our funding, the President can do anything he wants.”

Bush Administration friends and favorites have been lining up to be part of the new "Faith-Based Congress" the President issued a Signing Statement on last evening

Top Ten Cloves: What Rick Santorum Meant To Say About Not Meeting With Lobbyists

10. Before I say anything on this subject, you don’t have me on tape, or anything, do you?

9. It’s been through the aid of lobbyists that we have been able to make progress on giving Boston some morals

8. My leadership PAC, America's Foundation, some people from there might have seen a lobbyist or two, no big deal there

7. People know I wouldn’t meet with any homosexual or pro-abortion lobbyists

6. No one expected a breach in lobbying ethics

5. Maybe we should be talking about what what lobbyists’ pockets Robert P. Casey Jr., has his hands in?

4. Sure I know Karl Rove, and he knows lobbyists … What are you trying to infer, that the White House is helping me?

3. Really, I don’t know any Jack Abramoff … I know a “Hiram Abramoff”, a nice, little tailor in Philadelphia but no Jack Abramoff

2. Not technically a meeting; Just happen to be in same room together, at the same time

1. I think I said I wouldn’t meet with any lobbyists, who were found to be supplying Barry Bonds with steroids

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs

MLB Mulling Changing Status Of Home Runs In Wake Of New Bonds Allegations

Will Go Retro, Adopt Stickball Rule of Three-Outs If Hit Over Fence; South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs
In a swift and stunning move, Major League Baseball has called an emergency meeting of its’ owners, and Rules Committee, putting on the table a change to official home runs in the wake of new allegations that home run hitter Bobby Bonds has been taking illegal steroids and human growth hormones since 1998.
Bonds, who holds the single-season home run record of 73, is currently third on baseball’s all-time home run list at 708, chasing the legendary Babe Ruth (714) and the home run king, Hank Aaron (755).
Commissioner Bud Selig offered very little as he rushed into a New York City hotel for the emergency meeting.
“This is a dark day gentlemen,” said Selig as he continued walking. “We may come out of it with substantial changes and a very different game.”
New Book Says Bonds Jealousy Reason For Bulking Up
Two San Francisco Chronicle reporters and authors of a soon-to-be-released book, Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams, say they have substantial corroboration, from court records and over 200 interviews, grand jury testimony and tapes of voice-mail messages and transcripts with Bonds’s former girlfriend, depicting Bonds’s wide-ranging steroid usage.
The explosive book, "Game of Shadows" is scheduled to be published March 27 by Gotham Books.
An excerpt from the book appears this week in Sports Illustrated, offering vivid details of the drugs and regimen Bonds undertook, motivated they say by jealousy over the attention paid to Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire, during their memorable home run chase in 1998. When it ended, McGwire broke the 37-year-old, single-season record of Roger Maris’s 61, finishing with 70 homeruns.
Boyhood Stickball Rules Looked As Way To Save Baseball
According to sources close to Major League Baseball, Commissioner Bud Selig will propose to the owners and Rules Committee that “home runs hit out of the playing field, to wit, into the stands or out of the ballpark, be ruled three-outs.” Reportedly, Selig got the idea from the boyhood game of Stickball.
“Who, at least anyone over 30, or 40, hasn’t played stickball?”, asked Paul “Biffster” Chenzo, former minor league baseball player and author of “It’s The Pine Tar, Stupid”, citing the use of the sticky substances players rub on their bats as the reason for the increase in home runs.
In stickball, often played in the streets, or in factory parking lots and school yards, hitting the ball over an easily reached fenced counted as three outs, not a home run. The object was to hit the fence and aim for getting base hits, doubles and triples.
“The Commissioner feels that it is time for the big show to take the same approach,” says Chenzo. "That’s it’s time to save the game.”
Major Leaguers Worried, Want Abusers Thrown Out, Not Rules Changed
As word of the potential rule changing home runs reached spring training camps, both power sluggers and contact hitters voiced concerns and objections.
“I sure hope they don’t do that,” said Johnny Damon, new centerfielder of the New York Yankees , and considered baseballs’ best leadoff hitter.
“I can place the ball pretty good around the field, but I sure like it when I do hit one out.”
Bobby Abreu, of the Philadelphia Phillies, winner of the 2005 Home Run Derby, was distraught.
“Man, that is really bullshit,” said the slugger. “Totally unfair, I mean, I hope it doesn’t come to that. That would be penalizing a lot of players – clean players who do it the old-fashion way by working out and working on their game."
Boston Red Sox star slugger David Ortiz says the best way to deal with the illegal steroids is to just “throw the bums out.”
“Kick them out,” said Big Papi, as Ortiz is affectionately known as around Fenway Park. “Just get rid of them, don’t take something away from me.”
“Man, are you kidding,” said The Rocket. “I could stay in baseball another 10, 15-years. Heck, I could probably throw perfect games in under 40 pitches. This would be great for pitchers … We’d all be setting new ERA records.”
Burns Favors Rule Change, Sees New “Extra Inning” Documentary
Filmmaker Ken Burns released a statement that he would be in favor of the home run rule change.
Burns is known, among other projects, for his epic “Baseball” documentary, shown on PBS in nine (innings) segments back in 1994.
“This would be wonderful,” said Burns, “I can title it “Extra Innings”, with a lot of shots from grass level, the white ball with red stitching moving in slow motion over the green grass carpet. We can show the old school home runs in a nice, rich sepia tone, maybe even a little grainy, to give it an aged look … And, we’ll probably have to use Hop-Hop music, for the current times, which could led me to a whole new project. This would be a very, very good thing to happen.”
South Dakota Not Waiting From MLB To Rule – Home Runs Banned
South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds (R) isn’t waiting for Major League Baseball to enact the new home run rule.
A day after signing legislation banning nearly all abortions in the state, the Governor this morning signed an emergency bill banning all home runs in the state, on levels of baseball, from Pee Wee and Little League, through High School, College and Minor League games.
The bill will make it a crime to hit a home run, unless it is done in order to save the batter’s life. There are no exceptions for cases of extra innings games, or playoffs and championship series.
"In the history of the baseball, the true test of a game is how well players treat the most vulnerable and most helpless teammates, the average guy who’s an average hitter and fielder. The sponsors and supporters of this bill believe that homeruns are wrong because these average players are the most vulnerable and most helpless in the game and I agree with them," said Rounds as he signed the bill.

Professional Horse Jockeys around the country celebrated the news that baseball may ban home runs, saying that "without that pressure, we have now have, for the first time, some career options"

Top Ten Cloves: How Bush’s Domestic Wiretapping Will Be Monitored By Senate

10. Senator Pat Roberts (R-Kan.) has a small farmhouse back home he can soundproof and add a little security to

9. If the Enron guys get cleared, they might have an idea or two on how best to handle it

8. Will be backed up by the, now Oscar-winning, Three-6 Mafia

7. Slap some “good party sense” into Senator Arlen Specter and get him to chill out on pushing Atty. General Gonzales

6. President Bush to issue Signing Statement, banning all Democrats from oversight

5. Hiring Katherine Armstrong for PR, so nobody will know what the hell is going on

4. All hands on deck, In shifts of 24-hours, starting with least-seniority first

3. Pretty much, will run with the White House’s Hurricane Katrina plan so they can stay engaged with it

2. Get Vice President Cheney to turn up the volume on Iran so everybody will forget about the illegal wiretapping

1. Easy … Bring in Dubai Ports World to manage the program

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Technical Upgrades - Vote For The Garlic

Vote For The Garlic!

The Garlic will be on the sidelines today, making some techincal upgrades.

Please, give your consideration to voting for The Garlic, in the 2005 Koufax Award. Use the links below to go directly to the catagories. scroll to the bottom and use the Comment Box to register your vote for The Garlic

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The 2005 Koufax Awards: Most Humorous Post

Monday, March 06, 2006

Secretary Says No Reflection That We Don't Know What's Going On

More Bush Troubles As Rice Backtracks, Corrects Comments, Blames Lincoln Group

Meant To Say Was Surprised Levees Breached, Not By Hamas Election Victory; Backs Pace That There's No Civil War

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, in a brief press conference this morning, said she want to correct comments made recently and that the misspeak error "was no reflection that we are detached or don't know what's going on around here."

"What I meant to say was that I agree with President Bush, that no one had any expectations that the levees in New Orleans would breach. We just didn't see that coming."

Rice: "Underestimated Resentment … Nobody Saw It Coming"

After a State Department commissioned poll came to light, taken in early January, before the Palestinian elections, predicting the sweeping victory by the militant Islamic group Hamas, Secretary Rice said, on January 29th, flying to London for a European Union meeting, said that "I don't know anyone who wasn't caught off guard by its very strong showing. I think what was probably underestimated was the depth of resentment of the last, really, decade of corruption and the old guard."

Rice later added that she had directed officials at the State Department to examine "why nobody saw it coming ... because it does say something about perhaps not having had a good enough pulse on the Palestinian population."

The early January poll taken by the State Department showed that the Palestinian Authority's corruption was the leading issue among Palestinian voters, and that 52-percent believed that Hamas was more qualified.

"The Secretary may have been experience some Scooter Libby fatigue," said State Department spokesman Adam Ereli, referring to the defense strategy for Vice President Dick Cheney's former Chief of Staff, for his pending trial of lying to federal investigators and the grand jury in the CIA Leak Case.

"I was not surprised, stumped or in any way baffled by the Palestinian election results," said Rice, in a brief statement. "We were aware of it, and the ramifications and there is nothing further from the truth otherwise. My statement was no reflection that we are detached or don't know what's going on around here."

Rice left the conference, leaving Spokesperson Ereli to field questions from reporters.

Poll Leak May Land Reporters In Court, Prosecuted Under Espionage Laws

"I believe Secretary Rice may have gotten some notes mixed up," said Ereli. "She had just received some new briefings, and copy from the Lincoln Group, and she may have merged her thoughts."

Ereli confirmed that the Lincoln Group's role has been expanded, beyond Iraq, to provide editorial copy in Palestine, promoting pro-U.S. and Israeli positions.

"I don't know if we have any video of Secretary Rice, during her Hurricane Katrina briefings, but I can assure you, she was as stunned as the President when she learned of the levees breaching and the subsequent flooding of New Orleans."

Ereli also announced that the State Department has asked Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to investigate who leaked the commissioned poll results and "we could be hauling some reporters into court."

"This is a shameful act," said Ereli. "Actions like this could be helping the enemy. We'll just have to wait and see if these person or persons can be prosecuted under espionage laws."

Rice Doesn't See Civil War In Iraq Either

Ereli also read a statement from Secretary Rice that " I agree with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Peter Pace that things are going very, very well in Iraq."

On NBC's "Meet The Press" yesterday, Pace told host Tim Russert that the media was obsessing on the negative and "I don't think we're getting the goodness out to the American people the way we should. Somehow we need to find a way to have balance in the amount of reporting that we're able to get out."

Pace later downplayed a Russert question, that, with the growing and unending violence in Iraq, as well as objective observers - including a rising number of conservative pundits - indicating the President's Iraq Policy is a failure, that insurgents are killing informers and those supporting the U.S. Forces and Iraq Government.

"I believe it's the fear factor, not the support factor," said Pace. "The tip line last March was getting about 400 tips per month. Now it's upwards of 4,000 tips per month that are coming in from Iraqi citizens telling their government and telling us where -- where problems are."

Neither Pace, the State Department, the Defense Department or the White House would confirm reports that the Chiefs of Staff are planning a "letter-writing" campaign to the media, protesting the reports that a civil war is either happening or is imminent in Iraq.

Also unconfirmed is reports the Washington Post reporter and author Bob Woodward has notes, tapes and other information from informed sources that there is a civil war in Iraq, but will not be writing about.

'He doesn't want to get involved," said a source close to the Washington Post. "He doesn't want to testify, or give any depositions. He's willing to let the other 'Post reporters scoop him on this."

T0 go with the theme of diversity at last night's Academy Awards, a multi-colored French Poodle was included in the "Swag Bags" given to Oscar presenters

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Oscars Last Night

10. I'm tellin' ya boys, it will be boffo! … Brokeback Three 6 Mafia! … You'll get a truckload of these things next year

9. Is Mickey Rooney sitting in the same seat as last year? ...Wait a minute, did he ever leave?

8. For someone who's big ticket has been starring in "The Mummy", there's a long list of people greater then Rachel Weisz

7. I heard the Bush Administration was going to secretly classify the voting results, just to piss off George Clooney

6. Jon … Oprah… Uma … Uma … Oprah .. Jon

5. Maybe someone should have told Lauren Bacall to just whistle, it might have been easier for her

4. What probably really mattered more to Reese Witherspoon is that Julia Roberts didn't do any major work last year

3. Is there a war going on in Iraq? … I thought is was just some new reality show from Fox

2. If Crash wins Best Picture, we might see the sequel right here on-stage

1. Too bad Charlize Theron's dress wasn't brown - she probably could have gotten some product placement money from UPS

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Vote For The Garlic!

The Garlic Nabs 4th Nomination; Koufax Voting Now Open

Good Morning Garlic Fans

Following up from last week, the voting for the Koufax Awards has begun - and we picked up a fourth nomination - for "Most Humorous Blog"

So, please, use the links below to bring you there directly, or next time you're out on line, take a few moments, and if so disposed, please consider voting for The Garlic.

Once there, scroll (or zoom) down to the comments section. A simple matter of filling in your name (or a name) and a valid email address. Then, in the comment box, simply write "The Garlic" (if you feel the urge to embellish your vote with a compliment or kind word, we won't stop you - but it’s the vote that will count)

Hopefully, enough votes will come this way to get The Garlic into the semi-finals.

Oh yeah … Don't forget to pass this along to friends, family and any other hip people you know. You can send an email of this post by clicking the envelope at the bottom of this post

Many thanks for your consideration and support

The Garlic: All The Cloves Fit To Peel Nominations

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The 2005 Koufax Awards: Most Humorous Blog

The 2005 Koufax Awards: Most Humorous Post

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 5 March 2006

New charges surfaced today against Dubai Ports World, claiming kickbacks, corruption, and misuse of construction funds, saying that they "only build the doorways, not the entire terminal buildings needed"

The White House would not confirm that Vice President Dick Cheney's schedule has been loaded with birthday and anniversary events, as a means to keep him busy and away from hunting and guns

Reportedly, there was some worry but security experts assured the White House that Cheney would be easier to disarm with a knife in hand, as opposed to a shotgun

To date, in over two-dozen cake-cuttings, there have be no incidents reported

Members of the United Arab Emirates company, Dubai Air World, arrive for an emergency session, to take up the measure, as to withdrawing from discussions with the Bush Administration at taking over management of U.S. airports

At a press conference Friday, when asked about the new Blackberry settlement, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer unleashed a tirade, tossing chairs and shouting "I'll show them what a X#$%&@$! settlement is!"

The White House, reportedly, has taken out of its' "New Strategy For Victory In Iraq" a plan that called for offering Olympic Luge competitors "career opportunities" with the U.S. Military in Iraq, checking for IED's under automobiles, buses and trucks

In a monumental twist of irony, the lawyers for I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby notified the court that they plan on calling outted CIA Agent Valerie Plame to testify for the defense, believing her expertise in Weapons of Mass Destruction will bolster Libby's claim that he was too busy to have exposed her, or remember who he told that she worked undercover for the CIA