Friday, June 23, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Other Big, Breaking News Senator Rick Santorum Is Eager To Announce

News Item: For Diehards, Search for Iraq's W.M.D. Isn't Over

10. If I don’t keep making these kinds of statements, I’ll sink lower than 18% behind Casey and soon be an ex-Senator

9. Has, on good authority, management of an energy company named Enron manipulated the books, defrauding investors and employees

8. We now have proof that liberal pundits and comics, like Jon Stewart, are the enemies of democracy

7. I was the one that broke to the President, that Claude Allen had some very personal problems

6. From my work on WMD’s I can attest to how busy Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield is and couldn’t be involved in the largest defense procurement scandal

5. There’s steroids in Major League Baseball – And, possibly, involving some of the biggest names in the game

4. I have no problem giving my endorsement to Ralph Reed. He’s one of the finest, most upstanding Christian I know

3. Case Breaker! I have the real, actual ladder used by Bruno Hauptmann in the Lindbergh Baby Kidnapping

2. The liberal media just wants to bash the President ... We’re making progress and I can say that Baghdad is completely safe

1. I don’t know why the FBI hasn’t contacted me ... I can tell them where Jimmy Hoffa is that!

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), following his declaration on the discovery of the Iraqi WMD’s, says he has more breaking news to announce, including that there may be steroids in Major League Baseball

Thursday, June 22, 2006

New GOP/RNC Slogan - “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” – Echoes Through Senate Today

GOP Taunts Dems After Shooting Down Pullout Vote

Takes On New ‘Mad Max” Slogan To Laud Majority And Cool Down Cut-And-Run Charges

After voting down two Democratic proposals, on the withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Iraq, with an 86-13 margin on one, and 60-39 on the other, GOP Senators taunted their colleagues across the aisle, chanting “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads”, in loud unison as Democrats slowly filed out of the Senate Chamber.

The votes in the Senate today leave that there will be no timetable set for the withdrawing of troops from Iraq.

Frist Says Chant Improvised, But Others See Rove Fingerprints

After the humiliation of their colleagues, the Republican Leadership denied that they were ordered off the “Cut-and-Run” slogan by its originator, Karl Rove

Unconfirmed reports have come into The Garlic that Rove ordered the change in slogans, following a backlash on the “Cut-and-Run” charged against the Democrats, and other critics of the Bush Administration’s Iraq War policy.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said that the “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” chant was “improvised”.

“It came in the spirit of exuberance,” said Frist. “I’m not sure who started it, but once it began, we just got into it, swelled with the pride of our vote to support the troops ... To support the President.”

“Frist can wave the flag and whistle “Yankee Doodle Dandy” all day long,” offered one observer, David Aaronson, editor of What Color Is My Coat Today?, the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party

“This was Rove all the way ... Rove wasn’t going to sit on the sidelines, with a “shooting-fish-in-a-barrel” vote on the floor today”.

One proposal, offered by Senator John Kerry (D-MA) and Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI), set a mandatory redeployment, with a withdrawal of troops beginning immediately, and ending by July 2007. The measure lost in vote by the whopping 86-13 count.

A second proposal, offered by Senator Carl Levin (D-MI) and Senator Jack Reed (D-RI), a The nonbinding "sense of Congress" proposal urging President Bush to start pulling U.S. forces out of Iraq this year but with no set withdrawal date, garnered more support but losing by a 60-39 vote.

It was after the second vote, when emerging behind a smattering of a few “Cut-and-Run” and “Retreat-Means-Defeat” catcalls, that Frist, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and, surprisingly, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), began the “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” chant, which spread among the other GOP members until it was echoing throughout the Senate Chamber.

Graham, just the day before, distanced himself from the “Cut-and-Run” slogan, saying "I think the sound-bite war is not going to be an effective way to fight the war."

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was dismissive of the GOP antics.

“In November, there’ll be a lot of people entering voting booths, and when it’s over, there’ll be a lot of Republicans leaving.”

Mad Max Video Or Is Rove Just Having His Fun?

Aaronson indicated that What Color Is My Coat Today? is picking up a buzz around the Capital that Rove may be altering his strategy, after receiving a rebuke over the “Cut-and-Run” slogan from Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE), who lambasted his conservative colleagues for using “catchy political slogans.

“American people want to see serious debate about serious issues from serious leaders. They deserve more than a political debate. This debate should transcend cynical attempts to turn public frustration with the war in Iraq into an electoral advantage. It should be taken more seriously than to simply retreat into focus-group tested buzz words and phrases like “cut and run,” catchy political slogans that debase the seriousness of war. War’s not a partisan issue, Mr. President ...”

“It could be that Rove is hearing it from the Congressional leaders, and especially those who are in for tough fights in the Fall,” offered Aaronson.

“Or it could be, he rented “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” last evening and is just having some fun.”

“Rove has to be careful, that it doesn’t come back and bite him on the ass,” added Aaronson. “The majority could very well flip-flop after the Mid-Terms and then, for Rove and the rest of the Administration, it becomes a blizzard of subpoenas and hearings.”

“And let’s not forget Scooter Libby. It could be that “One Man Enters ... One Man Goes to Jail” in the not-too-distant future.”

Is Karl Rove tossing out “Cut-and-Run” in favor of “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads”?

Top Ten Cloves: Things President Bush Can Do To Boost His Popularity In Europe

News Item: Bush's Unpopularity in Europe Hangs Over Summit

10. Suit up for Team USA and play in the World Cup

9. Autographed pictures of the dead Zarqawi for anyone that asks!

8. Since most of their paper money is larger than U.S. money, be honest that they will be unlikely to fit $90,000 in their freezers

7. State emphatically that Cheney, or anyone else in Administration, hasn’t outted any European covert agents

6. Offer the EU Leaders lessons in planting fake news stories on European TV

5. Agreeing that she scares American children as well, promises to do what he can to keep Mary Matalin off television

4. Pull out of Iraq and invade France – No WMD’s needed – Just “General Principle”

3. In an Hitchcockian manner, offer to frag George Galloway in exchange for Europeans fragging Ann Coulter

2. Announce he’s issuing a Signing Statement, mandating all U.S. Newspapers to print the Danish Cartoons

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Many Europeans Fear North Korean Missile Strike On Bush While At EU Summit

With Image At Low Point, Europeans Lament Bush Visit During Summer Solstice

Calls Come To Stay Indoors, Despite Longest Day of Light; Many EU Leaders On Watch For Unannounced Visit

With domestic poll numbers rivaling former President Richard Nixon’s after Watergate, President Bush is finding his trip to the EU Summit in Vienna no more satisfying.

A huge wave of discontent has emerged, over the U.S. President making his 15th visit to Europe on the day of the Vernal Equinox, or Summer Solstice. Calls came in Vienna for people to stay indoors during the President’s visit, despite it being the day of the year with the longest daylight, and, subsequently, the shortest night.

Tensions were running high for the President’s visit. Austria’s daily newspaper, “Der Standard” and their commentator, Hans Rauscher, labeled Bush as “probably the worst president of the past 100 years. The world has to suffer him until 2008.”

Additionally, many Europeans fear, with the escalating harsh rhetoric, that North Korea will launch their missile strike at President Bush, while he is in Europe.

President Given The “Bums Rush”

With President Bush scheduled to leave for Budapest, Hungary later today, sources tell The Garlic that the EU Leaders were “trying to speed things up” to get Bush moving on and “off the continent”.

According to veteran independent foreign correspondent, Huntley Haverstock Jr., the traditional and formal receiving line was eschewed, in favor of a very informal “tea session”.

“They didn’t put out any booze,” said Haverstock. “Not that the President would indulge, but they didn’t want the give the other diplomats the excuse to linger around. Everyone was in on it and if ever there was a bums rush, we had one here today.”

Haverstock added that he hasn’t “seen it this bad, for a U.S. President, since Ford.”

“The Europeans viewed Ford as a rube ... He was filling out Nixon’s term and they knew he wasn’t the one to get anything of substance done with.”

Bush Makes No Friends, Calling European Press “Absurd”

With Austrian Chancellor Wolfgang Schuessel constantly checking his watch, President Bush flashed with anger, bristling at a question from the European Media, if the United States was a bigger threat than Iran or North Korea regarding global security.

Bush snapped “That’s absurd” and pointedly added "We'll defend ourselves but at the same time we're actively working with our partners to spread peace and democracy.”

Chancellor Schuessel was heard by some to murmur that “it must be time now to spread some of that peace and democracy in Hungry, I’d say ...”

Unannounced Visits On EU Leaders’ Minds

Another current running through the President visit is that the majority of EU Leaders feared that President Bush would make an “unannounced visit” while he was on the continent

“We’ve seen,” said one Head of State, not wanting to be quoted for record, “how he throws his weight around on these kind of visits. We don’t want to get lectured, or find ourselves out of a job after he leaves.”

Many of the leaders attending the one-day summit, scheduled holiday time, to undisclosed locations, merely to rebuff any chances of President Bush dropping in on them.

It wasn’t all smiles and handshakes for President Bush (show here with Austrian President Heinz Fischer) during his EU Summit visit in Vienna, Austria. Sources tell The Garlic that Bush was given the “bums rush”, to “get him off the continent”. Many in Austria stayed indoors, and were upset that Bush choose to visit on the Summer Solstice, the one day of the year with the most daylight

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard Last Night At Scooter Libby Fundraiser

News Item: Former Cheney aide plans pricey Libby bash Tuesday

10. The plan is, after almost everyone leaves, we get Karl down to the basement and he doesn’t leave until he gives up what he told Fitzgerald

9. Is the President really in Europe or is he going to “pop in here” unannounced?

8. Too bad Safavian didn’t hire Melvin Sembler ... If he did, he’d be here tonight, raising glasses with us, instead of going to jail

7. You know, if Andy was still inside, running the ship, I’d feel better ... I don’t put anything past Bolten to screw Scooter first chance he gets

6. Wow, this is pretty weird ... There’s Dick Cheney over there ... And there’s Dick Cheney, “The Dark Side”, on television

5. I heard Matalin’s tapping into the Jesus money ... She’s lining up Dobson and Perkins to run some “Scooter Libby Sundays”

4. Well, if he’s willing to give illegal immigrants amnesty, he’s gotta pardon Scooter, don’t you think?

3. We can’t use “Cut and Run” on Fitzgerald after Teddy gets through with him in court ... Rove and Mehlman are restricting that to only Democratic Congressman and Senators

2. Hey, get off my back! If you think it’s so easy, you name the Ten Commandments!

1. You have to give Judy Miller credit ... Judy’s sticking to her story, that she doesn’t know who gave her the name "Valerie Flame"

Mary Matalin is said to be planning “Scooter Libby Sundays”, to help raise funds for Vice President Dick Cheney’s indicted former Chief of Staff

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

This Just In! No Terror Alert ... Snow: “It’s Just A Conviction”

This Just In!

White House Says No Terror Alert Over Aide’s Conviction

Rove To Say “On Message” Smearing Dems; Nixed Bush Surprise Visit To Courthouse To Offer Testimony

The White House announced, just a short time ago, that there will be no elevation in the Terror Alert Chart due to the conviction this morning of former Bush Administration official David H. Safavian.

Safavian was convicted on four, out of five, felony counts, for his role in the Jack Abramoff Corruption Scandal, of lying, or making false statements to federal officials and obstruction of justice.

Safavian was the Bush Administrations former chief of staff of the General Services Administration and top federal procurement officer and is the first person to be put on trial in the Abramoff Scandal Case.

Abramoff, who has plead guilty to the charges against him, is said to be cooperating with Federal prosecutors.

Snow: “It’s Just A Conviction”

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow advised the media, that after a three-hour meeting at the White House, with members of FEMA, including Secretary Michael Chertoff, the decision was made not to release a new, false, or old Terror Alert. Since Sept 11th, the White House as used such alarms to hide or offset bad news surrounding the Administration.

“We feel the President is on a roll right now,” offered Snow. “With nailing Zarqawi, his bang-up trip to Baghdad last week, his dumping of Bill Gates, he’s on the upswing and we don’t want to do anything to upset that.”

“As to Safavian,” added Snow, “it’s just a conviction.”

Snow also seemed to go out of his way, to distance the White House from the news of the past day, on Ron Suskind's new book, "The One Percent Doctrine," detailing an alleged alleged Al Qaeda plan to attack the New York City subway system.

“That one is not on us,” declared Snow. “We had nothing to do with that.”

President Mulling Signing Statement To Safavian Conviction

Sources are telling The Garlic that the prevailing view of President Bush was that the Safavian trial, and now conviction, is a “Congressional” problem, an Abramoff problem and that falls into the domain of Karl Rove.

“They’ll dump this on Karl to spin,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. “You can bet, that before they snapped the handcuffs on Safavian, Rove probably had six-pages of lies, innuendo and smears to turn it around and make it sound like the Democrats did something.”

There are rumors circulating around the Capital, according to Aaronson, that President Bush wanted to make a surprise visit to the courtroom, and the Safavian trial, possibly to offer positive testimony, but that was nixed by Rove.

Aaronson said that, according to one RNC operative, who heard it second-hand, Rove snapped at the President, and Chief of Staff Josh Bolton, for even entertaining the thought.

Rove reportedly fired at the pair that “it’s bad enough we have Scooter Libby being photographed traipsing in and out of court.”

Later, Rove is said to apologize and offered the President that he could, if he wanted to, add a Signing Statement to Safavian’s conviction.

With the President on a roll, White House officials eschewed issuing a new Terror Alert, after the conviction of former Bush Administration official David Safavian

Top Ten Cloves: Besides “Last Throes”, Other Things Dick Cheney May Have Underestimated

News Item: Cheney Says U.S. Underestimated Iraq Insurgency

10. With too few of them in the world, how the Germans didn’t have the foresight to save Hitler’s Secret Bunker

9. How long Osama bin Laden can stay hidden for

8. That we’re not prosecuting more journalists for leaking information about our War On Terror

7. Just how much money one can stash in a typical, American freezer

6. What are you saying – Dubai Company is still running U.S. Ports?

5. The lengths that Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald is going to, to tie me into the CIA Leak Case

4. Someone in the U.S. Embassy in Iraq would actually send, over unsecured lines, such a grim report on life in Baghdad

3. That Rumsfield could, impressively, stay on message and thwart the defense procurement scandal inquiry

2. How well David Addington understands the need to acquire and consolidate Executive Office Power

1. Come to think of it, the size of Karl Roves’ big, fat backside

When it comes to staying on message, and promoting the Bush Agenda, Vice President Dick Cheney is said to be able to “throw it with the best of them

Monday, June 19, 2006

Breaking News! - Staffers calling the President “Svengali”

Breaking News!

Bush Threatens North Korea With Unannounced Visit If Missile Tested

Will Subject Kim Jong II To The “Look In The Eyes” Boasts “Talk To Maliki or Gates If You Think I’m Bluffing”

Perhaps just hours away from North Korea conducting a long-range missile test, that is said to have the capability of reaching Alaska, President Bush issued his harshest condemnation of the test, threatening North Korea leader Kim Jong iI with a “unannounced visit” and a “Look into the eyes” test.

“I’m prepared to drop in on Kim Jong iI at any time, on a moments notice,” declared President Bush, via a statement released by the White House a short time ago.

“And Kim Jong II can call and talk to the Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, or Bill Gates if he thinks I’m bluffing.”

Following his triumphant visit to Baghdad, Bush also made an unannounced visit to Redmond, Washington, to sack Microsoft Founder Bill Gates.

Sources did tell The Garlic last week that the President’s surprise trip less to do with diplomacy and more to do with mistakenly believing that Karl Rove had been indicted, and Vice President Dick Cheney “pushed” the President out of Washington, to keep him away from any subpoenas.

Rumsfield Threatens Wrath, Calls Jong II “Nut Job”

President Bush’s statement came after International calls streamed in, urging the cancellation of the missile testing.

Three of North Korea’s neighbors - Japan, Australia and New Zealand – all warned of harsh consequences, including referral to the United Nations Security Council for possible sanctions if the 115-foot Taepodong-2 missile is launched.

All three countries added that they believe that “President Bush has a clear strategy for victory in Iraq."

Earlier today, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice viewed the missile launch by North Korea as a "very serious matter" and “a provocative act”.

When pressed, Rice conceded that it was “very likely” North Korea’s Missile Program was riddled with “thousands of tactical errors”, however, precautions have to be taken.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield commended Rice for her comments, saying “I’m glad she doesn’t think that we’re the only one’s who make tactical errors.”

“This nut job over there,” continued Rumsfield, “it’s ... .it’s ... preposterous that he is considered to be the head of a country ... It’s inconceivable that this person doesn’t know the wrath that will rain down upon him if he fires that rocket.”

Staffers calling the President “Svengali”

With President Bush receiving a bounce in his poll numbers, following his surprise trip to Baghdad last week, the White House is, although unconfirmed as of this writing, adding it to it’s arsenal of options when dealing with rogue states.

According to Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication, that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century, President Bush “really believes in this eye thing.”

“After Putin, and now Maliki, he’s convinced of it,” added Martins. “He thinks, all he as to do is stand toe-to-toe with these guys, stare into their eyes and he knows if they’re with him, or against him.”

Reportedly, some of the White House staffers, good-naturedly, are referring to and calling the President “Svengali”

While no official comment has come from North Korea, some wire services are reporting that Kim Jong iI, a longtime resident on the Axis of Evil List, after being advised of President Bush’s comments, said defiantly “Bring’em On”, in clipped English.

“Bring’em On” and “Wanted: Dead or Alive” are two phrases recently disavowed by President Bush.

Mexican President Vicente Fox says Kim Jong il “doesn’t stand a chance” against President Bush’s “Look Into The Eyes” diplomacy. White House Staffers have taken to calling the President “Svengali” for his ocular prowess

Top Ten Cloves: Things The CIA Will Do To Boost Morale and Rebuild Spy Network

News Item: Kappes Is Expected to Boost CIA Morale

10. Give clearance to retired CIA Station Chiefs that it’s okay to come out and call for Donald Rumsfield to step down or be fired

9. Avoid a bidding war with Mark Cuban, but land Dan Rather for agency; Between his National Guard story and knowing the frequency, he could be a valuable asset

8. Talk to Karl Rove, on better ways they can use the internet, to gain in influence and broaden CIA appeal

7. Start promoting and campaigning for CIA people to get secret Commander of the Order of the British Empire awards

6. Beat the NSA to the punch and get a wiretapping and eavesdropping operation up on that new eBay Sellers-and-Buyers Telephone Program

5. Memo All Employees – Keep Secret Prisons Secret!

4. Chance for General Hayden to let White House know that he’s no George Tenet or Porter Goss – Refuse to open file on how Congressman Murtha knows Karl Rove likes to sit in air conditioning and has a “big, fat backside”

3. Recruit new agents with the skills to get scoops, like the Washington Post, on how grim it is in Iraq

2. Station agents at Edwards Air Force Base; President’s surprise trip to Baghdad caught everyone with their pants down

1. Get a commitment from Vice President Dick Cheney, and his staff, that they won’t expose any more covert CIA agents

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 18 June 2006

Scientists showed more alarm this week that Global Warming is reaching a critical point with the evidence that polar bears are lining the waters' edge, looking forlornly at passing boats and ships, seeking to get off the Artic Cap

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said on Friday not to expect great changes, due to the sudden departure of founder Bill Gates.

Ballmer cautioned newly appointed executives, Chief Software Architect Ray Ozzie and Chief Research and Strategy Officer Craig Mundie that "that I have no intentions of ceasing to fly off the handle, throw chairs, kick ass and take names"

Former AOL founder and CEO Steve Case applauded eBay's move last week, to to link sellers and buyers by telephone and said he regrets, “not waiting longer, to, potentially partner and merge with eBay, instead of Time-Warner

Time Magazine said that they plan on using the "Bloody Red X" in an upcoming issue - for the second time in as many months - to announce that Ann Coulter has been "officially determined not to matter any longer"

Karl Rove, in releasing his 2005 Financial Disclosure information, required by Federal Ethics Laws, claimed over $17-Million in Smears.

The Pentagon announced a new campaign for the fight against insurgents in Iraq.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield intends to "glare at them" until "every last, single one of them is gone"

Poll Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll June 11 - June 17 2006 ... New Poll - Karl Rove's Cut and Run Theme

Well, it doesn’t take much more that an Ann Coulter Poll to get the Web Wire burning up ....

Here’s the results from The Garlic's Weekly Poll June 11 - June 18 2006, asking “For the comments she has made, insulting the Sept 11th widows while promoting her new book, Ann Coulter must have ....”

1. Launched Republican Party’s Fall Mid-Term Election Strategy 36%

2. Been trying to seduce Rush Limbaugh 20%

3. Drank from Pat Robertson's cup 17%

4. Submitted audition tape, for her own show on Fox News 14%

5. Misspoke, meaning to say she would enjoy seeing Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and Howard Dean’s deaths 13%

This week’s Poll - With Karl Rove’s theme of Cut-and-Run for the GOP’s Fall Mid-Term Elections, what Rove really means is ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote