Saturday, August 06, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 6 August 2005

"I've done alittle pro bono work myself
... Maybe you'd want to come back to my place, have a drink and we can talk about it ..."

Steven Spielberg announced that Tom Cruise will not be starring in his next film project, 'Crouching Bull, Flying Matadors', due for Summer release in 2006

The Electoral College plans on submitting changes, begining with the 2006 Mid-Term Congressional elections. The plan, aimed at softening the harsh rhetoric, calls for the elimination of the term "Red" state and "Blue" state, replacing it with "Yellow" and "Claret"

South Korean researchers have moved ahead with their dog-cloning program and have won approval to allow the cloned canines the right to use public transportation

Romper, Bomper, Stomper, Boo
Tell Me, Tell Me, Tell Me, Who
Magic Mirror tell me today
Did all my friends have fun at play?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Friday 5 August 2005

Scalia: "No Pink Robes Needed Here"

Conservative Justice Reacts To Roberts Disclosure On Gay Rights Case; Justice Roberts Sunday In The Making

Justice Antonin Scalia said yesterday that he was "disappointed" in nominee John Roberts, for not disclosing he conducted pro bono work, giving advice to advocates of gay rights nearly 10-years ago.

"No pink robes needed here" offered the conservative justice, a member of the Supreme Court since 1986.

The pro bono work of Roberts, in a 1996 Colorado case, Romer v. Evans, is considered the gay rights movement's most significant legal victory. By a 6-to-3 vote, the Supreme Court struck down a provision of the Colorado Constitution that nullified existing civil rights protections for gay men and lesbians and also barred the passage of new antidiscrimination laws.

Roberts did not write legal briefs or argue the case. At the time, as an appellate lawyer for the Washington firm of Hogan & Hartson, he provided strategic guidance, formulating legal theories and coaching.

"I can hear the arguments now", continued Scalia. "Why shouldn't they enjoy the same rights as other married couples? Why should they be denied what every other American can have? Instead of sitting on our court, maybe he should open up a chapel in Las Vegas and he can become a Justice of the Peace and marry them off all day long".

Other conservatives were quick to express their concern about the Roberts nomination.

Focus on the Family Chairman, James C. Dobson said that, for the evangelical group, Roberts's work on the gay rights case was
"not welcome news to those of us who advocate for traditional values."

Colleen Parro, executive director of the Republican National Coalition for Life said his work on the case was "cause for more caution and less optimism" about his nomination.

Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council indicated that the upcoming "Justice Sunday II - God Save the United States and this Honorable Court" on August 14th at Two Rivers Baptist Church in Nashville, Tennessee may have to be changed.

"It may have to retitled to 'Justice Roberts Sunday' and focus in on just what this man has done" said Perkins.

"If he has provided the legal foundation for gay marriage, then I'm with Scalia - No pink robes should be hanging in the high court".

"Goodness, it is so obvious ... The phrase 'Struggle Against Global Extremism' takes up this much headline space ... Why on earth would they want to go with the shorter term?"

Top Ten Cloves: Things Bob Novak Was Thinking About Before Walking Out On CNN Program

10. Maybe he'd "score more, if wore a bow tie like Tucker Carlson

9. "How they never ask me to speak at those 'Justice Sunday' rallies?"

8. "I must be getting old … Those two blog gals got really bored with my old newspaper stories"

7. His longtime, secret desire to rub lotion on Martha Stewart's ankle

6. "I think they pay better over at Fox News … I'm going to have to check that out"

5. If he should just slap, or kick the crap out of Inside Politics host, Ed Henry, if he asks about the CIA Leak case

4. "Hmmm I wonder if the South Koreans can clone another Bob Novak?"

3. "Maybe I'll expose one of Jennifer Aniston's love letters"

2. "I kind of like it when Katharine Harris wears blue eye shadow"

1. His longtime, secret desire to rub lotion on James Carville's head

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Thursday 4 August 2004

'Rock, Paper, Scissors' Gives President His Choice of War Phrasing

Beats back Rumsfield After Downing Cheney and Rice; May Adopt Game To Solve Other Policy Matters

President Bush demolished members of his cabinet yesterday, in a round of the game 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to win the right to keep referring to the conflict with Islamic extremists as "The war on terror".

In recent weeks, after debating the issue internally since January, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield began making references to the war as the "global struggle against violent extremism." Other cabinet officers and administration officials began using the phrase as well before the President objected.

Some of the other phrasing that was floated but ultimately dropped included 'The Healthy Iraq Initiative', "Project for the New Iraqi Century' and 'Shock, Awe and Some Good, Old-Fashion Ass-Kicking'.

Since September 11, 2001, the President has used, consistently, in his speaking that the United States is at war with terrorism.

"Make no mistake about it, we are at war," the President stated, after vanquishing Rumsfield in the final round of ''Rock, Paper, Scissors' .

Gen. Richard B. Myers of the Air Force, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who did not enter the contest to win the right of phrasing, has been an opponent of using the "war" phrasing, saying "… if you call it a war, then you think of people in uniform as being the solution."

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was the first to go up against the President in 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' and was quickly dispatched by Mr. Bush. Vice President Dick Cheney was next, and, for a time, it appeared that Cheney was on the verge of overtaking the President. Sources say that the Vice President "took glee" in pounding the Presidents' fists, almost looking "like he wanted to hurt Bush".

The President rallied against Cheney, deftly setting him up before delivering the crushing "rock" blow.

In announcing the results of the contest, and that the President will stick with using the phrase, 'war on terror', Scott McClellan, White House Spokesperson indicated that the child's game may be adopted by the administration.

"The President is pretty confident that this could be a useful tool in solving other policy matters," said McClellan.

McClellan would neither confirm or deny the rumor that the President has challenged the Senate to a 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' , Winner-Take-All Match, over his Social Security package.

"You take care of my boy Bolton, and I'll make the Oil For Food look like chump change"

Top Ten Cloves: Potential Unforeseen Problems With Cloning A Dog

10. Upset the balance of nature - Cloned dogs friendly with cats

9. Will only eat specially engineered, cloned food

8. No special treatment; Still have to observe the leash and scoop laws

7. Within days, he grows to be as big as Clifford

6. You start getting flooded with orders from South Korean restaurants

5. Thousands of school children will shift from "dog ate my homework" to "dog is my homework"

4. Cloned dogs so intelligent, they command you to "sit" and "heel"

3. The new, Lassie you created has a slight flaw and eats Timmy

2. Dog Racing Industry wants to pay you to clone greyhounds with DNA from Secretariat

1. One of your staff goes crazy and brings to life "It's raining cats and dogs"

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Wednesday 3 August 2005

Second Palmeiro Bombshell: Tests Positive For Cialis

Star Slugger Lucrative ED Endorsement Deal With Viagra In Jeopardy

The first cleat dropped on Monday, when prospective Hall of Fame slugger Rafael Palmeiro became the first "major star" to test positive for an illegal performance-enhancing substance, or steroids, and, subsequently, was suspended for 10-Games.

Yesterday, the second cleat fell. Palmeiro's steroid test also showed positive for Cialis, the erectile dysfunction (ED) medication.

Palmeiro has a lucrative endorsement agreement, being a spokesperson for the rival ED drug, Viagra.

A spokesperson for Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Viagra, said the company would have no immediate comment, pending their review of the test results. A source told The Garlic late last night that the company, as a precaution, has suspended all television and print advertising involving Palmeiro.

The 40-year-old Baltimore Orioles first baseman apologized for the violation, and insisted that he was unaware he took any illegal substances.

''I have never intentionally used steroids," Palmeiro said in a statement issued after an arbitration panel rejected his grievance. ''Never. Ever. Period."

Palmeiro also denied using Cialis, and hinted that this adds proof that the results of his steroid test may be in error. Palmeiro insisted that he only uses Viagra.

"If someone gave me Cialis, I think I would know it. I'd be on for 36-hours and, man, at my age, I'd remember that"

Viagra, in contrast, works for up to 4.5-5 hours.

Palmeiro, earlier this year, was one of a handful of baseball's stars that testified before Congress in a hearing about steroid abuse and also insisted at that time that he never used the banned substance.

Congressman Stephen Lynch (D-MA) said this latest news was "troubling".

Lynch said the violation also ''calls into question the truthfulness of Mr. Palmeiro's testimony before Congress."

Also testifying at that hearing was Jose Canseco, an admitted steroid user and author of the book, "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big". Canseco claims that he injected numerous players - including Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez, and Palmeiro - with steroids early in their careers. All have denied the charges.

''I think this demonstrates that Jose Canseco, like I thought, may have been the most honest guy at the table," said Charles Yesalis, a leading steroid researcher at Penn State who testified before the committee the same day.

With his career winding down, it would be an inopportune time to lose such an endorsement deal.

A spokesperson for Eli Lilly, the producer of Cialis, indicated the company was watching the situation "closely".

"We'd love to get a high-profile Viagra user to switch over to Cialis. Especially a professional baseball player. We'll show him that we can put some good wood in the bat - better than anything he ever got with Viagra".

More prisoner abuse is being reported, as detainees in an undisclosed facility in Iraq were forced to stand on their window sill for more than eight-hours, while the floor of their cell was washed and waxed

News In Brief - 3 August 2005

Gore To Appeal Neilsen Ratings On First Broadcast

Current TV, the new cable network aimed at the "Internet Generation", founded by former Vice President Al Gore, went live this past Monday, with the potential to reach some nearly 20-Millions homes.

And, already, there is controversy over results.

Overnight ratings, provided by Neilsen Media Research pegged Current TV at a 1.2-share, over alittle over 1-million viewers. By contrast the top rated cable program, the Nextel Cup Racing/Pocono on TNT drew a 4.7-share, or just over 7-million watchers. The No. 10 Cable program, SpongeBob (Nickleodeon) garnered at 2.4-share, or had 3,054,000 people tuned in.

Gore is contesting those results, believing Neilsen did not take into consideration tattered and broken television sets, poor and confusing instructions and, in some areas, intimidation by local police towards people who were inclined to watch Current TV.

Along with Gore, co-founder and attorney/entrepreneur, Joel Hyatt, has enlisted viewers in the much-desired 18-34 demo to contribute self-generated content that’s meant to give Current a hipster TV news magazine vibe. Thus far, about 25 percent of Current’s programming has been submitted by the audience; the lion’s share is put together by network staffers and third-party professionals.

Current presents its programming in two-to-seven-minute “pods” (read segments) that cover a broad range of topics from politics to Paris Hilton.

A spokesperson for Neilsen disputed Gore's claim, indicating the rating results are correct.

A hearing is set in Los Angeles, where a judge will review the merits of both sides' claim. A ruling could involve a recount of the ratings, having the cable industry replay the same programming so it can be remeasured, or no ruling, letting the original ratings stand.

Top Ten Cloves: Evidence of "Intelligent Design" In President Bush's Life

10. How else to account for the patience in standing by John Bolton?

9. The Harkin Energy stocks didn't get sold by themselves

8. Did you think it was chance that placed him in that particular National Guard unit?

7. Two Names - Al Gore and John Kerry … 'Nough Said

6. Believes, most emphatically, that the Project for the New American Century is clear evidence of a guiding hand

5. Any other way to explain graduating from Yale?

4. The Healthy Forests Initiative and Clear Skies Initiative are merely his homage to the Almighty

3. He got the ballpark built in Arlington, didn't he?

2. Who else could have come up with "hanging chads" as a means to give him the 2000 Election?

1. Nothing but a miracle he hasn't been impeached for all his policies and deceptions

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Tuesday 2 August 2005

Annan To Welcome Bolton, But No Share In Profits

U.N. Leader Says Must Be "Approved" To Get Cut of Illegal Gains

U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan said yesterday that he welcomes newly recessed-appointed U.S. Ambassador John Bolton to the United Nations but warned the diplomat not to expect to be "cut it to any profits" soon.

"We only include fully and officially chosen diplomats for the distribution of funds", said Annan.

Annan indicated that the touted Oil-For-Food' program was just one of many sources of illegal gains that are part of the U.N. network. However, there is room for Bolton to enrich himself, if he so chooses.

"Mr. Bolton will be encouraged to design and develop new revenue streams", said Annan. "His background in arms should be an asset in that area".

Mr. Bolton was the former under secretary of state for arms control for the Bush Administration since 2001.

Mr. Bolton was greeted by a crowd of protesters, booing him, as he entered his new position yesterday afternoon. Earlier, in a short ceremony in the Roosevelt Room at the White House, President Bush, using his executive powers, appointed Bolton to the long-empty U.N. Ambassador's seat. The President said that he had "complete confidence" in Bolton.

Bolton said he was "profoundly honored, indeed, humbled" by the appointment.

It was the first time since the United Nations' was founded, in 1945, that the United States has filled that post using a recess appointment. Mr. Bolton is the highest-ranking of the 106 people that Mr. Bush has put into jobs by recess appointment during his administration, now five-and-a-half-years in office.

Democrats held up the confirmation of Bolton as evidenced surfaced of his blunt management style, that included bullying and intimidating staff, as well as his statements showing a lack-of-respect for the United Nations. In the early 1990's, Bolton said that the top seven floors of the U.N, could be "lopped off" and nobody would notice.

There is also speculation that Bolton is being "farmed out" with the U.N. post., that he was "wreaking havoc" in his work for the State Department. Sources suggest that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice championed "shipping Bolton out of Washington"

Annan said that he is not concerned with Bolton's prior disparagement of the U.N. He indicated it all comes down now to how he fits in and "plays ball".

"I think it is all right for one ambassador to come and push, but an ambassador always has to remember that there are 190 others who will have to be convinced - or a vast majority of them - for action to take place," Mr. Annan said.

Annan has been under increasing pressure to step down, for his management of the scandal-plagued U.N.

An investigation led by former U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volker found no wrongdoing by Annan, but it directly faulted the secretary-general's management and oversight of the oil-for-food program in Saddam Hussein's Iraq.

Annan, earlier this year, was being considered by the White House for a position, as the President was impressed with Annan's abilities to carry out large-scaled scandals. Rumors say that it is the White House's hope that Bolton can "soak up" as much experience in this area as he can to give them "additional opportunities" before the end of their term.

"Hmmmm ... I could probably lop off half the White House on this guy and he'd never know it"

Bush Defends Rove: Wants More Leaks

Has "Complete Confidence" and Big Agenda For Top Political Advisor

President Bush, yesterday, came out with his strongest comments yet on the continuing CIA Leak case, defending White House Chief Strategist, Karl Rove, who is at the center of the investigation.

''Karl's got my complete confidence. He's a valuable member of my team," said the President.

Mr. Bush was dismissive of Rove's critics and detractors, calling them a "bunch of whiners" and the President indicated he has a much larger agenda for Rove, considered the architect of the Bush Presidency.

"I expect more leaks … Bigger leaks", continued the President. "There's a whole truckload of people that don't agree with me and they all have spouses. I expect Karl will be very busy when we get back next month.

The President also pointed to the 2006 Congressional elections and he has a goal for Rove to defame at least three Democratic candidates with charges that "they are gay".

"We've barely got into the electronic bugging of our detractors", said Mr. Bush. "Once we ramp that up, I expect a bushel of new information we can use against people".

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Screw Up On Your First Day As U.N. Ambassador

10. Plug in that annoying British ring tone to your cell phone

9. Put in a motion to suspend business for the day so you can hit the Yankee game

8. Keep calling "Kofi" Annan, "Coffee Annan"

7. Scare the bejeezes out of them, telling them, after you, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be the next appointee

6. Mock the French ambassador, asking him when will a French racer win the Tour de France

5. Sucker punch and kick the crap out of the North Korean diplomat

4. Look to see what ambassadors are listed in "Who's Who" so you can feed Bob Novak leads

3. Lop off the top 10 floors of the building

2. Try to pay for your lunch in the cafeteria with a barrel of oil

1. Holding hands with Saudi diplomat sign of respect; Pinching is ass isn't

Monday, August 01, 2005

Monday 1 August 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Bush To Give Bin-Laden Contract To Brits

Round-Up of London Global Extremists Impressive; U.S. To Bring In "Blair's Boys"

President Bush, before he leaves for his August vacation in Crawford, Texas, will announce that he is awarding the contract for the hunt and capture of Osama bin-Laden to Coalition-of-the-Willing partner, Great Britain.

With 20 the number of people being detained after the failed bombings in London on July 21, including the four main suspects, the President is said to be "bowled over by Blair's boys" in their rapid investigation and capture of the global extremists.

"These guys didn't waste any time", the President said, according to Scott McClellan, White House spokesperson.

"The President was extremely impressed" said McClellan. "He kept running into the Joint-Chiefs-of-Staff office shouting - They got another one".

Sir Ian Blair, the head of the London police, said he'd be "happy to help out the Yanks".

"We'd love to knock up that bearded beanpole one morning and slap some bracelets on'em".

Prime Minister Tony Blair, who will take only a week of August vacation, is said to be waiting for the President's call and official paperwork, giving the British the contract for bin-Laden.

"The President", according to McClellan, "will be monitoring the situation from Crawford. He's pretty confident that he won't get through a cord of wood before he gets the call from Blair that they got bin-Laden."

McClellan stressed that this doesn't not relieve the U.S. Military forces from capturing bin-Laden, dead or alive, but rather, brings in some "fresh faces".

"After what's happened in London, and the quick arrests of all the suspects, the President believes, that with those yellow-vested and funny-hatted bobbies combing the rugged mountains of the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, the global extremists will know that there's some new deputies in town, and that they mean business".

The President has assured the British that, if in capturing bin-Laden, and the global extremist gets shot, there'll be "no hand-wringing" on this end.

Rumors are also circulating that the President will ask for a new admendment be added to the 2006 Defense Bill. The President would like to have "battalion of Blair Boys" in his fight against global extremism.

With new research, scientists are finding that global warming is influencing storms now, rather that in the distant future

Congress Says Gun Makers Can Sue Victims

Extraordinary Bill Passed; NRA Happy But Wants More

In a late session maneuver before their August recess, Congress added to the just-approved bill that blocks most civil lawsuits against gun makers and dealers, an amendment that will allow the gun manufactures to sue victims.

In a 65-31 vote, the senate approved the bill, with its' proponents citing national security issues, saying lawsuits brought by municipalities and individuals threatened to bankrupt the firearms industry at a time when the nation is fighting wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Before the floor was closed, Sen. Larry Craig (R-IO), the bill's author, invoked a rarely-used Senate procedure, attaching to it the amendment that allows the gun makers to sue victims.

Instances where the gun manufacturers can sue victims includes;

- Being in the wrong place at the wrong time

- Interfering in a felony where the gun-holder is registered and legal

- General Stupidity

Opponents criticized the legislation, saying it offers unprecedented protection to a single industry. The bill also requires pending lawsuits to be dismissed.

"It's a blatant special interest bill to protect gun makers and dealers, even if they make firearms recklessly available to criminals and terrorists," said Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass. He called it a demonstration of the "raw, special interest power" of the gun lobby.

The National Rifle Association, a supporter of the legislation, though very pleased with the bill, indicated they want more from Congress. NRA Executive Vice President Wayne La Pierre says the organization will continue to lobby Congress until "every NRA member and every American citizen has the right to shoot another, without fear of prosecution".

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Why Hewlett Packard Stopped Selling the Apple iPod

10. Yes, it is just to make anything Carly did look bad

9. Fearful of being indicted in CIA Leak case; Rumor out that someone download Valerie Plame info to an iPod

8. Since it fit both companies, doing the PR on the "founded in a garage" thing was getting messy

7. Too many HP employees were blogging about them; Afraid of being sued by Apple

6. Mark Hurd never got the hang of downloading the iTunes; Kept crashing his computer

5. Has new whiz-bang product coming out that will let users HPcast

4. Okay, it was a really, really bad deal that Carly made

3. Steve Jobs' turtlenecks didn't fit HP Dress Code

2. Getting too many returns from HP customers, who thought they were new ink cartridges

1. Has announcement coming; New deal with NCR to sell cash registers that play music