Thursday, March 02, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Ways White House Will Try To Do Damage Control On Hurricane Video

10. Admit nothing but claim experience has made them "hurricane-hardened"

9. Hey, it's taking the port fiasco off the front page

8. Get Senator Bill Frist to do one of his famous video diagnosis

7. Karl Rove is already cracking on a new smear campaign (Did you hear, that Max Mayfield might be gay?)

6. Have Joint Chiefs of Staff write another stern letter of protest

5. Since Osama bin Laden helped re-elect the President, make another pit stop in Afghanistan and see what he says about it

4. Keep Brownie in the hot seat; "He's still our scapegoat"

3. Get Fox News to claim the media made up Hurricane Katrina, or that an all-out hurricane is a good thing

2. Call on Pat Robertson to threaten media that God will punish them for running video

1. Be defiant - Send out President Bush to claim Americans are "emergency-relief-addicted" and that we need to find alternatives

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Three Catagories You Can Vote For The Garlic

The Garlic Receives Three Nominations For 2005 Koufax Awards

First Year In Blogosphere Running "All The Cloves Fit To Peel" Humor and Satire

The Garlic, surprised, but humbly honored, has been recognized by the blog, Wampum, a wonderful site of Progressive Politics, Indian Issues, and Autism Advocacy, for the 2005 Koufax Awards competition.

2005 Koufax Awards competition are held annually to honor the best of left-leaning bloggers. A "Sandy" will be awarded based on reader votes in each of a number of categories. It is like the Oscars for lefty bloggers, except that we do not allow overly long, overly sentimental speeches by the winners. For those, you have the visit the sites of the winners. This is the fourth year of the awards. That makes us venerable when measured in blog years. You can locate previous winners by clicking on the links located on the left hand (of course) side bar

The Garlic: All The Cloves Fit To Peel has been nominated in three catagories;

The 2005 Koufax Awards: Best New Blog

The 2005 Koufax Awards: Most Deserving of Wider Recognition

The 2005 Koufax Awards: Most Humorous Post

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better

The voting has not begun yet (and, believe me, we will notify you when it does), so we want to encourge to visit Wampum, and get yourself familiar with the site, the 2005 Koufax Awards competition and the other nominees.

And, while your at it, don't miss out on the posting (Monday-Friday, and the Weekend Special). You can receive The Garlic directly into your In Box by signing up, using FeedBlitz, in the box just under About Me box in the righthand column, or via a bevy of news feeds located under The Links

Thank you again for visiting and supporting The Garlic!


Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Bush To "Kick Back" For 45-Days

Bush To Tackle First Lady's "To-Do" List During Port Review

Mowing Lawn, Painting White House Shutters Among Chores; Will Dial Up Veto Threat "As Needed"

A testy White House announced this morning that President Bush, during the 45-day review period of the Dubai Ports World Company's operation of six American ports, will be "tackling First Lady Laura Bush's "To-Do" list".

"She's got quite the list," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "She had to start a second jar."

When pressed by reporters, asking shouldn't President Bush be involved in the review, talking with members of Congress, McClellan shot back;

"The President has made his position very clear. He believes the deal should move forward and, after some discussion, he's accepted to wait the 45-days for that to happen. The review is important, and more people will see the facts, but the President doesn't feel there will be anything that will change."

When questioned further by NBC's David Gregory, McClellan snapped;

"Simply put, this wouldn't be going forward if we were not certain that our ports would be secure. Perhaps, David, you should follow the advice that is being given to Lou Dobbs,"

The Dubai Ports World Company, criticized by the CNN anchor, has told Dobbs to "shut up".

Day Trips, Tours. Tapes and March Madness

Items on the "To-Do" list include mowing White House lawns and painting White House shutters and "a lot of odds-and-ends kind of things".

McClellan continued on, saying the President will "sleep late on some days" and "take some day trips".

Unconfirmed reports say that the NSA is preparing a "Greatest Hits Tape", highlights of wiretaps from 2005 and Vice President Cheney is reported to have offered a guided tour of his Secret Bunker, something the President is said to be "very eager" to see.

"And, for the first time since he took office, the President will be able to kick back, fire up the big screen TV and watch March Madness," added McClellan, who wouldn't comment if there would be a White House Pool set up for the NCCA Basketball Tournament.

The President won't be visiting the Armstrong Ranch, after, reportedly, Katherine Armstrong indicated to the White House that she wanted "the story, upfront, and before anything happens … I don't want to go through that bull spit again."

Republicans Running, Using Orbitz, To Move Away From President

With new polls showing President Bush at an all-time low in approval (34%), and the opposition to the port deal very much a bipartisan affair, Republicans have been fleeing from Bush.

Unconfirmed reports say that staunch supporter Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), in a bitter fight to keep his seat, and running behind in the polls, has ordered the Pennsylvania State Police to turn back the President if he tries to enter the state. Law enforcement officials at airports, train stations and bus depots also have orders to keep Bush out.

"You can bet your ass he won't be coming in by way of the Port of Philadelphia, that's for sure," Santorum allegedly said during a interview on a local radio show.

Santorum also said he's used his "weather contacts" to see about creating "a nasty storm" if the President insists on coming into the state.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is said to be "cramming" to get his motorcycle license, so he can "out run the motorcade, go off-road if I have to".

Senator John McCain (R-AZ), while publicly backing the President, has been said to be telling staffers in his office that "he'd [President Bush] be about as useful in our state as snow shovel". A spokesperson later stated that "the Senator may have been a little angry, or, perhaps he was attempting to make a joke - we always have a hard time reading the Senator on those kinds of things."

Veto Classes Will Continue

As reported by The Garlic last week, the White House will continue to run the "Veto" classes for President Bush, who is said to have "first-time jitters".

'The President," said McClellan, "will have a few more brush up classes on the Veto. He's pretty confident about vetoing any legislation that will hinder the port deal, but now, it's more a matter of some style and posture issues. He wants to look confident when he's signing it."

When asked if he was confirming that the President will veto any bills, McClellan said only that "we'll dial up the Veto threat, as needed, over the next 45-days."

McClellan would not confirm or deny that President Bush, as an exercise in the "Veto Classes", has been overruling civil war in Iraq, as practice.

First Lady Laura Bush's "To-Do List" is expected to keep President Bush busy during the 45-day review period of the Dubai Port Worlds deal

Top Law Schools Launch Admissions War

Berkeley Prof Kicks Off Law School War

Harvard, Yale, Stanford All Fire Off Thousands of Erroneous Acceptance Letters

Believing that they may be left out of the running for some of the best legal minds, Harvard, Yale and Stanford all blasted out accidental, congratulatory emails to over 20,000 applicants for their law schools, following the disclosure that a University of California, Berkeley Law School professor sent emails to the schools candidates last week during a training session.

Edward Tom, director of admissions at the school admitted he sent the erroneous emails, while training a new office worker.

Picking out a email for the purpose of showing the worker the schools software, and its' features, including sending messages to multiple recipients, Tom mistakenly chose the standard congratulatory message on being admitted to the university’s prestigious law school, sending it to over 7,000 applicants.

A spokesperson for Harvard said that the school "couldn't afford to sit idle".

"We may have a lame-duck president, but we just couldn't let this action go unchallenged," said the spokesperson. "We didn't have time to ask Mr. Summers if he thought there was some genetic component to this, we just had to get all-hands-on-deck and pray that all the legal talent doesn't end up in Berkeley."

After discovering the moves by Berkeley and Harvard, the campuses of Yale and Stanford were in chaos over the weekend, as they rounded up staff and began firing emails to their law school candidates.

Unconfirmed reports say that, with over 20,000 emails sent, nearly 40% of the recipients have been accepted at all three law schools.

"I suspect," said Dix Holden, editor of "VeriRich", a newsletter sent to Harvard Law School students and alumni, "that some enterprising law school candidate will file a suit over this, and one of the schools will end up with a fascinating live case study for their incoming freshman."

The San Jose Mercury News' "Good Morning Silicon Valley" suggested "Tom, by the way, has asked the IT department about adding a "Do you really, really want to send" popup to the mail system."

Top Ten Cloves: Last Minute Things President Bush Did Before Leaving For India

10. Asked for the update list of things the Administration was blaming former FEMA Director Michael Brown

9. Put a big "X" on today's date on his calendar, saying "Only 44 more days to go"

8. Filled up on cheeseburgers, since he, likely, won't get any on his trip

7. Double-checked with the Secret Service that they took Vice President Cheney's hunting guns away from him

6. Put Joint Chiefs of Staff on notice, any editorial cartoons spoofing him while he's away, he expects a stern protest letter

5. Rushed the new "gavel-cam" over to Chief Justice Roberts before the Anna Nicole Smith case

4. Called Ted Turner, and asked him if he still knew anyone over at CNN that could shut up Lou Dobbs on this port deal

3. Had Andy Card explain to him, again, who in the Iraq Civil War, if were like our Civil War, would be wearing grey and who would be wear blue

2. Sent a memo to Karl Rove to stop obsessing about Hillary Clinton

1. Packed his flight suit, just in case there's any "Mission Accomplished" moments that crop up on the trip

Monday, February 27, 2006

The New Strategy For Winning Olympic Medals

Bush Says Would Be Mistake To Pull Out Olympic Team

"Needs Time To Grow; Better To Win Medals Over There, Then Win Them Here";

President George Bush used his weekly radio address on Saturday to say that he will not pull the U.S. Olympic Team out of Torrino, Italy, announcing "The New Strategy For Winning Olympic Medals" initiative.

"We'd be sending the wrong signal," said the President. "It is better to win the medals over there, then winning them here … They need time to grow … Those brave Olympians have many chances, but their competition can be right only once."

"Our men and women in uniform are making sacrifices and showing a sense of duty stronger than all fear. We are grateful to all who volunteer to wear our Olympics uniform. And so we move forward optimistic about our country, faithful to its cause and confident of the victories to come.

Paid Journalists Probed

Source tell The Garlic that this may be an attempt by the White House, to get out in front of stories that may break soon, being that the Bush Administration paid journalists, as well as planting items in other media outlets, to write pro-U.S. Olympic Team articles and editorials.

There is growing reports and speculation that the Bush Administration has been running a "No U.S. Olympic Athlete Left Behind" program, paying conservative journalist and television commentator Armstrong Williams, Time Magazine's Matthew Cooper and former New York Times reporter Judith Miller hundreds-of-thousands of dollars to write, report and talk about pro-American Olympic efforts.

The President briefly touched on this, criticizing "those that would give aid and comfort to our competition."

"Members of Congress, and the media, feel about the decisions and debates of the past, that our nation has only one option: We must keep our word, defeat our competition and stand behind the American Olympic Team in its vital mission. There is no honor in retreat."

"As we look at these challenges, we must never give in to the belief that the American Olympic Team is in decline or that our competitiveness is doomed to unravel."

Washington Post reporter and author Bob Woodward is reported to be on the list of paid journalists, however, it's not clear when he intends to file his stories.

"We're in these games for the long haul," added the President. "Fellow citizens, we are in these games to win, and we are winning. The road of victory is the road that will take our Olympians home."

The International Olympic Committee was stunned by the announcement, and expressed concern on the impact of the 2010 Games.

"This is nearly unprecedented," said an Olympics spokesperson. "We've had Games with strong competition, throughout our history. To see a country aggressively, and proactively, declare a campaign for Gold Medals, and take unprovoked actions towards that goal, we haven't seen that since the 1936 Games, in Berlin. This could severely impact our 2010 Games."

Coalition Building and New Contracts Awarded

There was a flurry of action on Capital Hill following the President's announcement.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice began a mission to build a coalition of countries to join the United States in "The New Strategy For Winning Olympic Medals" initiative, Early reports indicate that Great Britain and the tiny nation of Qatar are said to be on-board, with the French and Germans possibly adding some logistically support.

A $400-Million bill was quickly ushered through Congress and awarded to Halliburton, for the reconstruction of the Olympic Village in Torrino.

"Our work in the Olympics is difficult, because our competition is brutal, " said the President in his radio address.

"Viewing videotape alone is not wisdom. And waiting for the 2010 Games is not a strategy. Keeping America competitive requires us to open more Games. And to keep America competitive, one commitment is necessary above all: We must continue to lead the world in human talent. Our greatest advantage in the world has always been our educated, hardworking, ambitious people, and we are going to keep that edge."

Rumsfield Says We Have Enough Athletes; No Games For Cheney

Despite criticism, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield said that "we have more than enough athletes on the ground over there" and has no intentions of sending in more competitors.

"Goodness gracious, no," said the Secretary, to questions about adding more support. "These athletes are game-hardened and more than capable of doing the job."

The White House quickly denied reports that Vice President Dick Cheney was going to be added to the Biathlon team, wryly saying that "we know he can shoot, we're just not sure how well he can ski."

Following the announcement on his weekly radio address, saying that he will not pull out of Torrino, Italy the U.S. Olympic Team, President Bush, with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice spoke about "The New Strategy For Winning Olympic Medals" initiative

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Dubai Ports World Asked For 45-Day Delay In Taking Over U.S. Ports

10. Watching DVD's of 'The Andy Griffith Show", after being told President Bush was alittle like Barney Fife

9. Can't concentrate with the Donald Trump - Martha Stewart feud raging on around them

8. Give Bill O'Reilly enough time to launch a new "Save Something" campaign

7. Andy Card asked for time; Needs to figure out if Administration can blame Former FEMA Chief Michael Brown for problem

6. So they can evaluate if President Bush is a lame duck or not

5. New legal matter - Scooter Libby is asking to subpoena Dubai Ports World records to show how busy he was

4. Logistics: James Dobson, Tony Perkins and Rick Santorum are putting together a "Port Justice Sunday" event to rally support

3. Took advice from Donald Rumsfield - The delay will get them "port-hardened"

2. Karl Rove indicated he needed more time to dig up dirt and create new smears on those opposing deal

1. Totally distraught over the Ask Jeeves logo being retired

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 26 February 2006

Actor George Clooney disclosed this week, that since he has criticized the Bush Administration, he has been followed by "a very large man, with an incredible golden tan"

The outspoken and controversial televangelist Pat Robertson admitted this week that he is "confused". He is against President Bush's plan to turn over port operations to a country tied to terrorism, but isn't sure "which world leader's assassination should be called for"

Sources tell The Garlic that, in an effort to save the deal, the Bush Administration proposed to Congressional leaders that they allow Dubai Port Worlds company to "manage the Tidal Basin" as a demonstration of their abilities

Wal-Mart, reportedly, has communicated to the White House that they would be happy to take over the port operations contract to help out President Bush

A Wal-Mart spokesperson said that they could run the system more effectively and less-costly, by hiring undocumented workers, and eliminating lunch breaks, overtime and healthcare

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield glares at President Bush, after the President rebuffed Rumsfield, saying that "yes, it's messy but stuff just doesn't happen when preparing for a hurricane"

Harvard President Larry Summers, who resigned last week
, caused more controversy when he said that it is likely "older white males are genetically predisposed not to be able to hold on to their jobs in large, educational institutions"