Saturday, August 13, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 13 August 2005

To guard against future terrorist attacks on buses, Londoners, will now have to ride to their destinations via horseback. Prime Minister Tony Blair called the measure temporary and, in a related matter, 10 Downing Street will begin selling fertilizer.

Okay, aside from that one unintentional mistake, I really mean it this time - I have never taken steroids - period! See, I'm even pointing my finger, that's how much I mean it!

The Garlic obtained rare, exclusive photos of Katherine Harris having her make-up applied before a recent campaign appearance

What's that you say? The Conservatives are dumping ol' Nuclear Option boy over here?

Steve Young, recent inductee to the National Football League Hall of Fame announced he has signed and exclusive deal with a South Korean laboratory to have himself cloned. Young, shown with a partial clone of his upper torso, will be a spokesperson for the company, and is expected to recruit other Hall of Fame players for cloning

Friday, August 12, 2005

Friday 12 August 2005

Santorum Blames Boston Liberalism For St. Patrick's Msgr. Affair

Says Clark "Influenced" By Beantown Decadence; Also Tags "Hillary's Hand Mixed In This"

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) weighed-in last evening on the latest news shocking the New York Archdiocese - that St. Patrick's Cathedral, Msgr. Eugene V. Clark resigned yesterday over charges that he conducted a sexual affair with his personal secretary, a married woman who is 33-years younger than Clark.

"I think it is pretty clear," said Santorum, author of 'It Takes A Family', "that the Monsignor was influenced by the liberals in Boston.

Santorum drew fire last month, after comments he made three-years ago, tying Boston's "liberalism" with the Roman Catholic Church pedophile scandal, resurfaced. When given the opportunity to clarify the remarks, Santorum defended them, and added to them, citing the Boston Red Sox World Series win last year as "yet another sign of Boston's liberal decadence."

"Look, for one, there's a lot of Kennedy's in New York and they worship at St. Patrick's. So there's a clear line right there."

The scandal broke on Monday, when Philip DeFilippo, who is married to Monsignor Clark's secretary, Laura DeFilippo, filed for divorce. In his court papers, DeFilippo alleges that his wife, who worked for Monsignor Clark for more than 25-years, and Clark had the affair.

The New York media since then, has run photos and videotape showing Mrs. DeFilippo and Monsignor Clark entering a Hamptons motel last month, and walking out five-hours later, both wearing different clothing then when they had entered.

William Donohue, the president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, defended Clark, saying that "the same people that want to tear down the Monsignor are the same people who helped murder Terri Schiavo."

Monsignor Clark is the second prominent official of the archdiocese to step down in recent years over allegations of sexual misbehavior. In 2002, James F. McCarthy, an auxiliary bishop in charge of northern Westchester, Rockland and Putnam Counties, resigned after admitting that he had had sexual affairs with several women.

Santorum also placed blame for the scandal with Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY).

"It seems alittle too coincidental that, in the week Hillary sees a strong candidate challenge her for her seat, we have this happen."

Santorum was referring to Jeanine Pirro, who announced earlier this week that she is seeking the Republican nomination for Senate. Pirro faces a primary race, against Nixon son-in-law, Edward Cox.

Pirro has intended to comment on the St. Patrick's sex scandal. At the press conference called by Pirro, Pirro made a opening statement but then fumbled with and shuffled papers around on the podium, making it apparent that she could not find her remarks.

After 10-minutes, most of the media left.

"What's that you're saying? Someone is camped out on my property? ... I'll have to look into that ..."

Rumsfield Lays Out More Details For Sept 11th Bash

Says Festivities For "All Ages"; New Iraqi President Named Honorary Grand Marshall

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield laid out more details for the 'America Supports You Freedom Walk', sponsored by the Department of Defense, that will take place in Washington D.C. on September 11th, to commemorate the fourth anniversary of the terrorist attacks.

"Oh, goodness, this just keeps getting better and better." beamed Rumsfield.

Rumsfield has already released that country singer, Clint Black, will perform in concert at the end of the walk, on the National Mall.

Rumsfield announced first that new Iraqi President Jalal Talabani will serve as the honorary Grand Marshall of the event.

"Let's not forget, they're a big part of the freedom picture."

Rumsfield went on to detail that the Walk will include giant "Macy's-type" floats, of President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Rumsfield.

"Well, if you have any 'big head' jokes, now's the time to use them," chided the Secretary.

Rumsfield said that there will be a "dunking tank" and that they will have real, enemy combatants tied to them, flown up from the Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp for the day.

"We have signed waivers from these terrorists so there's no abuse story here."

There'll be a replica of an Iraqi village built, and both adults and children will be able to ride armor-less Humvees and hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction. Rumsfield offered that there will be prizes awarded to the person who finds the most - or any - WMD's.

Balloon artists will be tying balloons in the images of Administration officials for children and, to entertain their parents, there'll be contests to guess which official said which reason we are fighting in Iraqi.

Rumsfield also stated that it is not clear if President Bush will be attending and participating in the festivities.

After announcing the event, Government officials warned that the President has used up his vacation time and won't be able to take the day off. Rumsfield offered that talks are still on-going with the Inspector Generals of Labor and Justice to see if a comprise can be worked out.

Though September 11th this year falls on a Sunday, technically, the President is still on-duty.

Rumsfield indicated the talks are centered on the President making up the time by working late two-hours, per-day for that week and taking off Sunday as 'comp time'.

Top Ten Cloves: Signs You're Having A Bad Summer Vacation

10. Your favorite and most generous lobbyist gets indicted

9. Phoenix Coyotes name you as their coach

8. A little weekend getaway ends up with you mowing lawns as part of your community service sentence

7. You fall out of the upper deck at Yankee Stadium and then get arrested

6. The mother of a slain soldier is camping on your doorstep

5. Innocently, you unknowingly use steroids and the whole world comes down on you

4. The Justice Sunday crew bumps you off the program

3. Two of the jurors who acquitted you are now writing books saying your guilty

2. High government officials run a smear campaign against you and your husband

1. You find out your wife is having an affair - with a priest

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Thursday 11 August 2005

Litigants Win First ABC Million Dollar Idea Prize - Before Broadcast

Cowell, Idol and Network Settle Case; Say Idea To Sue Was "Brilliant, Daring" and "Unexpected"

It came down to the old standard; When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

After being sued by two independent producers of an obscure Minnesota-based program of the same title, ABC, FremantleMedia North America, producers of "American Idol" and Simon Cowell, "Idol's" controversial judge announced they have reached a settlement.

Jean M. Golden and Todd P. Walker, the independent Minnesota producers, will be declared winners of the yet-to-be-broadcast 'The Million Dollar Idea' and receive the "$1-Million prize of business support, includes cash, top-notch entrepreneurial counseling and physical resources.

"This was quite unexpected", offered Cowell. "The concept to sue us was absolutely brilliant and daring. We can't overlook that when we take what 'The Million Dollar Idea' is about."

Cowell and staff had begun the process of seeking out contestants. Scores of hours had be spent reading business plans, listening to pitches and conducting primary interviews. Much of what had been reviewed for possible content for the show was "pretty much what we expected" said Cowell.

"We had everything from MBA's to Mom-and-Pop operations submitting ideas to us."

The settlement, which is under seal, does stipulate that Cowell, Fremantle and ABC were not "copycats" in developing 'The Million Dollar Idea' and there is no agreement that Golden and Walker will share in any of the revenues generated by the program.

Cowell indicated that they have already begun planning for Season Two.

"We're close to signing a contestant that is going to sue Golden and Walker, claiming that they first had the idea to sue us. This is going to be so exciting."

State and Federal Prosectors continue to investigate allegations of falsified records and poor quality of Boston's $14.6-Billion Big Dig Project.

IG's Tell Bush No Go On America Supports You Freedom Walk

"Too Much Time Out of Office"; Can't Stretch or Misuse Vacation, Sick Time

The Inspector Generals of both Labor and Justice have sent a memorandum to President Bush, indicating that he will not be able to attend or take part in the just-announced 'America Supports You Freedom Walk', sponsored by the Department of Defense to honor the victims and troops on the fourth anniversary of September 11th.

"Five-weeks vacation is the limit" said Gordon S. Heddell, the IG of Labor and Glen A. Fine, IG of Justice. "We get into some very grey areas if the President were to take the day off to attend. There is constitutional mandates to adhere to and the U.S. Government does not tolerate misuse of vacation or sick time."

On Tuesday, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfield made the announcement of the celebration.

"Every year since the Sept. 11 attacks, Americans have commemorated that anniversary. This year the Department of Defense will initiate an American Supports You Freedom Walk. The walk will begin at the Pentagon and end at the National Mall. It will include many of the major monuments in Washington, D.C., reminding participants of the sacrifices of this generation and of each previous generation that have so successfully defended our freedoms," Rumsfeld said.

Country music star Clint Black will be a featured performer, with additional entertainers and events to-be-announced.

Rumsfield stated that "the goal for next year's walk is to get each state to host its own Freedom Walk to provide an opportunity for as many citizens as possible to reflect on the importance of freedom."

There's been no official comment from Crawford, Texas, where the President is vacationing.

White House Spokesperson, Scott McClellan did confirm that the President received the memo and that he was "disappointed."

"The President loves parades and marches. The music, the marching bands, it really gets him charged up."

Sources close to the White House said that staff members are negotiating with the Inspector Generals and the Department of Defense. At issue is, if the DOD reroutes the walk to pass by the White House, can the President, using one of the two 15-minutes breaks, go to the curb on Pennsylvania Avenue to view the march.

Rumsfield stated that "he hopes the President can attend".

"Goodness, we'd love to have him with us. He's the architect of our current freedom plans, he should be here."

By tradition, Vice President Dick Cheney will spend September 11th in his secret bunker, and not attend the walk.

Top Ten Cloves: 'Extra Pork" Stuck Into Transportation Bill Signed By President Bush

10. New access roads, for the "common good", in Crawford, Texas

9. Shin pads for Secret Service agents who guard President when he rides his bicycle

8. Slush Fund for Jeanine Pirro, for her race against Hillary

7. Fund to purchase NCAA memorabilia before they ban all Indian mascots

6. Book Club charges, for all those books President ordered on Intelligent Design

5. Modest budget for Dick Cheney, so he can redecorate the Secret Bunker

4. Money to cover those little licorice candies Rumsfield likes

3. Slush Fund for Bob Nelson - In case Katherine Harris wins the primary

2. Satellite and PPV charges so President can get "Justice Sunday II: God Save the United States and this Honorable Court!"

1. Lawyers Fees to cover Karl Rove when he gets indicted

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Wednesday 10 August 2005

Sheehan May Move, Camp Out On Downing Street

Says "Bush and Blair Are Thick As Thieves"; Looking For Brit To Give Answers

Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a slain U.S. Soldier, is considering moving her camp to 10 Downing Street, The Garlic has learned.

Sheehan, who's son, 24-year-old son, Army Spc. Casey Sheehan of Vacaville, California, was killed in the Iraqi war back in April, has been camped out near President Bush's Crawford vacation ranch, with the goal of speaking to the President.

"I want to ask the president, why did he kill my son?" Sheehan told reporters. "He said my son died in a noble cause, and I want to ask him what that noble cause is."

"He wouldn't look at the pictures of Casey. He didn't even know Casey's name," she told CNN Sunday. "Every time we tried to talk about Casey and how much we missed him, he would change the subject."

Sheehan, from Vacaville, Calif., had been attending a Veterans for Peace Convention in Dallas. Local law enforcement officials have been keeping Sheehan four-to-five miles away from the ranch's entrance.

So far, the President has not spoken with Sheehan. Last Saturday, Joe Hagin, White House deputy chief of staff and Stephen Hadley, national security adviser met with Sheehan for about 45 minutes.

Sheehan says she is "frustrated" that the President won't speak with her. She indicated that she is giving strong consideration to pulling up camp in Crawford and moving it over to 10 Downing Street in Great Britain.

"They're thick as thieves in this war," said Sheehan. "Mr. Blair seems like a nice man, I don't think he will ignore me if I'm camped right out in front of his house."

A spokesperson for the British Prime Minister indicated that there is no meeting scheduled between Mr. Blair and Ms. Sheehan.

The White House showed restraint in hearing the news that Sheehan may vacate Crawford.

Scott McClellan, White House Spokesperson offered Ms. Sheehan some advice.

"It's peak season over in Europe right now, so she should really search the Internet for the best deals. And, with the terror alert going on in England, she shouldn't take any backpacks with her."

"C'mon ... You can't stand there and say that none of you have ever crashed into a tree"

Top Ten Cloves: Why The Bush Brothers Don't Want Katherine Harris To Run For Senate

10. They're both pretty sure she voted for Gore and Kerry

9. There's that messy blue eye shadow controversy

8. They have Karl Rove planting stories, tying Harris to recent rash of deaths at DisneyWorld

7. Missed chance to beat Hillary to the punch on the Grand Theft Auto videogame controversy

6. Actually, potential candidate, retired Army Gen. Tommy Franks, looks better in the blue eye shadow

5. Putting all their money on Pirro beating Clinton in New York

4. Wouldn't have anything to worry about if Barry Seltzer didn't lose his nerve and swerve his car before hitting her

3. The competetion, Senator Bob Nelson, really looks good in blue eye shadow

2. Bob Novak said she's "bullshit"

1. She secretly kept all the hanging chads from 2000 that can do them both in

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Tuesday 9 August 2005

Bush Signs His Energy Bill With Call To Big 3

Wants Hybrid of Nuke/Coal/Wind-Powered Autos ASAP

Agitated, and wearing a polo shirt, jeans and flip-flops, President Bush yesterday broke from his vacation to travel to Albuquerque, New Mexico to sign the recently passed sweeping Energy Bill. The Senate approved the mammoth $12.3 billion legislation 74-26 just before their August recess.

"I don't see why this couldn't wait until I got back," the President was heard muttering under his breath as he signed the bill into law.

Despite some bipartisan backing, the bill did draw criticism from some that it granted too many subsidies to industry and that it did little to curb a growing national appetite for gasoline.

The bill will provide tax breaks and loan guarantees for new nuclear power plants, clean coal technology and wind energy. But, as the President was signing the bill, the cost of a barrel of oil was hitting an all-time high at $63, and the national average for a gallon of gasoline in the United States as at $2.29.

The President then surprised his staff, breaking from script in calling on the nation's automobile makers.

"Detroit needs to use this bill, use its' benefits and produce fuel-efficient cars. With the tax breaks and loans provided in this legislation, I don't see why we can't have a nuclear-clean coal-wind powered car. Energy that Americans can produce. Energy that Americans can sustain."

The President then cited the ''Batmobile' as one such automobile.

"I'm pretty sure that had some nuke power in it. I think if Hollywood can do it, we should be able to get some pretty smart people that can figure it out."

The President then added; "And, I don't know about you all, but I liked the Michael Keaton Batman the best"

Senator Pete V. Domenici, the Republican who leads the Senate energy committees, and who praised the bill before he introduced the president at yesterday's signing, quickly stepped in.

"Now, who would think that an energy bill would be about that? But it is."

Also in the Energy Bill is the extension of daylight-saving time by a month, beginning in 2007. The bill extended daylight saving time by four weeks: In 2007, our clocks will spring forward on the second Sunday of March and fall back on the first Sunday of November.

Critics deride the measure as ineffective. In nearly 100-years of experimenting with Daylight Savings Time, there has been no measurable proof that it saves energy. In 1974 and 1975, then-President Richard Nixon mandated Daylight Savings Time year-round, to battle the OPEC oil embargo and was heavily criticized, citing that the most the measure achieved was putting school children on buses in pitch-black mornings.

The President defended the extension of Daylight Savings Time.

"It's a boost for our economy, our sugar crops and candy makers. More daylight for Halloween means more kids trick-or-treating. Heck, Dick and I are talking about being Batman and Robin this year - and we're trying to talk Condi into being Batgirl."

At a recent fundraiser, White House Chief Strategist Karl Rove entertained the audience with his impersonation of Johnny Carson's "Carnac The Magnificent".

The question answered: "What person in this room is most likely to be indicted in the CIA Leak Case?"

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Jeanine Pirro Thinks She Can Beat Hillary

10. Open a Krispy Kreme franchise next to Bill Clinton's office

9. Find out if the Swift Boat Veterans work state elections

8. Go on 60 Minutes with her husband and stand behind him, despite his crimes

7. During first debate, ask Hillary about pro bono work she's done for gay rights advocates

6. Have Karl Rove plant stories that the Clinton's are investors in the Grand Theft Auto videogame

5. Seduce Bill Clinton and splash photos across New York Post

4. Get Robert Novak to say Hillary is "bullshit"

3. Well, first, for the primary, needs Rove to plant stories that Ed Cox is gay

2. In second debate, ask Hillary to explain why she endorses searching all NYC subway riders

1. Lean on RNC to get Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris to send her the 2000 Election playbook

Monday, August 08, 2005

News In Brief - 8 August 2005

Bolton Defends Novak

Laments Not Using Same Tactic, Cussing With Senate Panel

The new, recessed-appointed U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, came out yesterday and defended columnist Robert Novak, who last week swore on-air and walked off a set of a CNN program.

"I've know Bob for many years", said recessed-appointed Ambassador Bolton, "And he's a stand-up kind of guy."

Bolton also admitted, that after seeing the video of the incident, which occurred last Thursday on the CNN program, 'Inside Politics', that "it hit me upside the head".

"I could have done exactly that at my Senate Hearings. Just blast'em … Rip'em a new one … I mean, it's not like it would be anything new for me. I've blown people apart for far less than that."

"I called Bob and told him not to apologize. In fact, he should get himself on more programs and level the same at all those liberal pansies."

Senator Joe Biden (D-MD), a leading opponent of Bolton's nomination in the Senate said, after being apprised of the recessed-appointed Ambassador's comments;

"I'm kinda surprised he didn't do that."

Top Ten Cloves: Signs That Your University Is Insulting Native Americans

10. "Buffalo Burgers" in school cafeteria "just like on the reservation"

9. Friday rallies on-campus are billed as "pow-wows"

8. Football's teams Indian mascot asks real Native Americans if he can "hang around with them" to pick up some tips

7. Having Univeristy President brag about Cigar Store Indian statue in his office doesn't reflect school values very well

6. No one with University of Illinois can document they've seen a Illini fighting

5. Shapeshifting is a new, no-credits aeorbics course

4. American History professor gets paper published, defending his theory that Custer beat Indians and lived long life

3. Totem Pole celebrating basketball team's 35-game win streak is really insulting on a number of levels

2. Giving Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels honorary degrees doesn't really count for anything

1. Crazy Horse is the name of the campus nightclub