Friday, April 21, 2006

Bolten Making The Keystone Cops “Look Organized”

White House Flooded With High Tension, As President Undecided Today

Early Morning Signs Leaned Towards Being “Uniter”; Bolten Having Second Thoughts About New Position

Sources tell The Garlic that the White House is, for all intents and purposes, shut down today, with no activity whatsoever, as President Bush has been decidedly undecided today.

It was just a week ago that President Bush boldly and confidently declared himself “the decider”.

In being forced to defend Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, the President stated;

I say, I listen to all voices, but mine is the final decision. And Don Rumsfeld is doing a fine job. He's not only transforming the military, he's fighting a war on terror. He's helping us fight a war on terror. I have strong confidence in Donald Rumsfeld. I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense.

President’s Indecision Today “Will make what happened during Katrina look like a cat nap”

While, early this morning, there appeared to be signs from President Bush, that he was going to be in his “Uniter” persona, the moods shifted suddenly, after Mr. Bush announced that he was “undecided” about what he wanted to do.

West Wing staffers are said to be “edgy” and “walking on eggshells”. The White House switchboard has been turned off, with calls routed to the State Department. There are serious concerns of a ripple effect, into other areas of the government, possibly closing down offices, national parks and monuments

Unconfirmed reports have been coming in that other government employees have been emboldened by the President, and are declaring their own personal character strengths, announcing they are “deciders” too, or they know “what’s best” in their particular job position and are changing rules and policies.

“This is as bad as I have seen it,” said one White House staffer, who asked that their name not be used. “If the President doesn’t snap out of it, this will make what happened during Katrina look like a cat nap.”

It is being reported that, even with his iPod, the President has set it to “shuffle”, refusing to even decide on a song to hear.

Rumsfeld “Jonesing” For A Statement of Support

With the President being undecided today, there are rampant rumors that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has been frantically soliciting other Cabinet members, even a handful of foreign leaders, to issue statements defending him against the growing criticism and calls for his resignation.

“It like he needs a fix,” offered on Pentagon staffer, who asked their name not be used. “He’s Jonesing for it ...Pacing around, distracted ... Wolfing down candy bars ... He needs someone to say something today.”

With the activities surrounding the official visit yesterday, of China President Hu Jintao, President Bush had to drop from his schedule the daily backing of the embattled Secretary.

Rumsfeld reportedly met with Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten, asking him if there would any staff changes today, and, if so, if he could plug in “a word, or two” about Rumsfeld. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Rumsfeld badgered Bolten, to hire someone specifically to issue statements of support, perhaps, as a means to make-up for his glitch earlier this week.

Bolten Making The Keystone Cops “Look Organized”

Bolten, in what many in Washington consider a disastrous first week on the job, fumbled a Rumsfeld press conference, attempting to substitute FEMA trailers for vintage Army wagons to rally around the Secretary. That was followed with pushing Press Secretary Scott McClellan out the door out the door and beginning inching Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove closer to it.

Yesterday’s ceremonies for President Hu’s visit couldn’t have gone worse for the Chief of Staff.

“The gaffes they did yesterday,” offered Eddie Mars, editor of 'Please Shoot Me', the newsletter that tracks the Fox News Channel, “makes the Keystone Kops look organized.”

First, President Hu’s address was interrupted by an accredited White House Press Pass holder, Wenyi Wang, a member of Falun Gong, the spiritual sect banned in China.

Ms. Wang screamed at the two presidents, for nearly three-minutes, with calls for "President Bush, make him stop persecuting Falun Gong," and “to stop the killing” before she was hustled away by the Secret Service.

Shortly after this incident, at the playing of the two national anthems, the White House announcer introduced China as “The Republic of China”, the formal name of China’s dedicated rival, the island nation of Taiwan. Mainland China’s official name is “The People’s Republic of China,” and it is an extremely sore point between the U.S. and China, on the American support for Taiwan, as China considers Taiwan as part of their sovereign territory.

They couldn’t have offend President Hu, and China more,” added Mars, “if they practiced for it. This falls on Bolten”

Bolten With Second Thoughts? Bush Acting Nixonian?

Privately, longtime White House aides are concerned, that on one hand, Bolten may be having second thoughts about having stepped in as Chief of Staff. At the same time, they worry, that with Bolten in charge of the White House, how much worse will it get.

There’s also apprehension over the President indicating that he listens “to all voices.”

Between abandoning his domestic agenda, the horrific results in the War in Iraq and subsequently, the steep drop in polls, the looming legal battles over his illegal spying and eavesdropping on American citizens, the indictments and scandals surrounding his administration, as well as the Republican Party, more than a few staffers are thinking the President wasn’t referring to paying attention to the media.

“We could be looking at,” one senior West Wing staffer offered somberly, “Nixon, walking around the halls, talking to the portraits here.”

With President Bush "decidedly undecided" today, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is said to be "jonesing" for a statement of support

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Queen Elizabeth Plans On Celebrating Her 80th Birthday

News Item: Queen Elizabeth celebrates the big 8-0

10. Set up a profile on MySpace.Com and see what all the fuss is about

9. Hang out the “Do Not Disturb” sign on Windsor Castle – The Manchester United team team is coming to visit!

8. Remind the Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla Parker-Bowles, that the Queen Mother lived to be 101

7. Make some prank calls to Silvio Berlusconi and taunt him for losing

6. Take note of Bush gaffe – It’s “The People’s Republic of China”, in case President Hu stops by

5. Two Words – Pub Crawl

4. See if Kate Moss scored anything good that they can party with

3. Dig in to the new Ben & Jerry’s Black and Tan Ice Cream

2. Make some prank calls to Donald Rumsfeld and tell him to resign

1. Ignore Prince Charles’ suggestion to place gift radio in edge of bathtub, so she can listen to BBC while bathing

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Bolten Wielding Hammer In Shaping New White House

More White House Bombshells - New Chief of Staff Takes Rove’s Place In WHIG, WHIIG

Longtime Bush Aide Said “Devastated”; After Shouting Match, Left Way To Get Back In By Performing Special Task

New Chief of Staff Joshua B. Bolten continued his molding of the White House today by dropping, not a shoe, but a steel-toed, heavy workboot, , announcing – internally – that he is replacing Karl Rove on the influential White House Iraq Group (WHIG) and the newly formed White House Iraq and Iran Group (WHIIG)

Just yesterday, Rove had his title and position of Senior Advisor and Chief Policy Aide to the President stripped away, in what many in the Beltway view as a demotion. Rove, at present, remains as Deputy Chief of Staff, but will be repositioned to focus on a new smear campaign for the 2006 Congressional Midterm Election.

Sources are telling The Garlic that early this morning, as the bulk of the West Wing staffers were arriving to work, Rove and Bolten were engaged in a heated shouting match inside Bolten’s office.

“Man, they were really going at it,” offered on official. “They had to be toe-to-toe, by the sound of it.”

Reportedly, Rove, in the course of the shouting, threatened Bolten with “I’m taking this to the president!”, only to have the new Chief of Staff slam back “I’ve already talked about this with him, brainy boy!”

With that, the shouting stopped and Rove emerged a few minutes later looking, according to one staffer, “devastated.”

Bolten Wielding Hammer In Shaping New White House

The tension between Rove and Bolten has been simmering since Tuesday, Bolten’s first day on the job.

With the White House in disarray, over the heavy criticism of, and the calls for his resignation, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The President was forced into making strong statements in defending Rumsfeld, and then, a planned press conference, with vintage Army wagons surrounding the Secretary fell through, when a snafu cropped up in procuring them.

Bolten, reportedly ordered FEMA trailers to be brought in, and be painted Army green, but was overruled by Rove.

Since then, Bolton has been wielding a hammer in shaping a new White House staff, pushing out Press Secretary Scott McClellan, and naming two aides with allegiances to himself - Joel Kaplan as new White House deputy chief of staff for policy, and Rob Portman to succeed Bolten as director of the Office of Management and Budget (OMB).

Bolten Used Early Meeting To Boot Rove Out Of WHIG

And that, according the West Wing staffers that spoke to The Garlic, is what the shouting match was all about.

Bolten was using the early morning meeting, according to one source, to inform Rove that he was being removed from both WHIG and WHIIG.

It is with a hint of irony that Bolten now joins the groups, as it was his predecessor, Andy Card, who launched WHIG, as a means to market the United States invading and occupying Iraq.

Those that regular attend WHIG meetings include Chief of Staff Andy Card (who started the group), Special Council to the President Karl Rove, I. Lewis "Scooter: Libby, Vice President Cheney's former Chief of Staff, special media advisor to the Vice President Mary Matalin, former cabinet member, now World Bank leader Paul Wolfiwitz, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Under Secretary of State Karen Hughes, and policy advisors James R. Wilkinson and legislative liaison Nicholas E. Calio

There was no indication that Rove would have to step down from Vice President Dick Cheney’s Secret Cabal, if , in fact, Rove is a member of that group.

Bolten Says Rove Back In – If He Ties Iran To 9-11

All is not lost for the man dubbed “Bush’s Brain”.

According to Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em', Bolton offered Rove the opportunity to “earn his way” back into WHIG and, more importantly, WHIIG.

“The buzz going through the grapevine,” said Larson, “is that Rove has to come up with a plausible connection of Iran being behind, or involved in the September 11th attacks. And there’s an unspecified bonus if he comes up with documented evidence of it.”

Larson says that Rove is “jumping” at the task, gleefully and “full of purpose.”

“He’s already putting out feelers to his contacts at State, the CIA, DIA ... He’s made it known he wants anything and everything.”

Larson says that with Bolton, there’ll be no “mushroom clouds” or “aluminum tubes”, and that he wants “fingerprints.”

“Andy was a marketing guy, and everybody saw the job they did with creating the illusion of a threat with Iraq. Joshua is much more pragmatic, he’s not going to bite on the glitz.”

While not much is known about WHIIG, Larson offered that they will likely “have something in the cooker by September, October.”

“They’ll want to have something to put out in time to affect the Fall Midterms.”

Rove, Potentially, Turns Into ‘Bush’s Drain”

Larson also added that “Bolton’s a smart cookie.”

“This will keep Rove occupied for awhile, and, in the process, out of his hair. And there’s also the indictment thing. What Josh is doing is building up some distance between Rove and the West Wing, in case the you-know-what hits the fan.”

Bolton, according to Larson, saw how close Scooter Libby was to the Oval Office and he is going to do what he as to do, to not let that repeat itself with Rove.

Rove, it has been widely reported, remains under investigation by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, with new rumors circulating that evidence is being presented to a grand jury for criminal charges against Rove.

If Rove gets indicted,” said Larson, “he quickly becomes “Bush’s Drain”.

Longtime Aide Karl Rove quickly goes from "Bush's Brain" to "Bush's Drain" if indicted

Top Ten Cloves: Things Bush Administration Will Do About Valerie Plame Attending White House Correspondents Dinner

News Item: Valerie Plame To Attend White House Correspondents Dinner

10. Leak her table location

9. Plan a Homeland Security Terror Alert that requires changing the color chart for the night of the dinner

8. Scratch the fake Vanity Fair cover with the President and First Lady in the sports car from President’s monologue

7. See if they can get MC Steve Colbert to pepper her with some “truthiness”

6. Plant a WMD in her coat pocket so she can’t get through the security detectors

5. Make sure they aren’t serving Yellow Cake for desert

4. Claim her tickets to the dinner are forged

3. Smear her husband, claiming he said the VP Cheney authorized her attending dinner

2. Get Tom Cruise an invitation and have him make it a “silent dinner”

1. Remind the White House Correspondents Association that the President is “The Decider” and he’ll decide if she gets in or not

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Breaking News! McClellan Points Finger At Bolten, Says Rough Period Ahead For White House

McClellan Surprised Resignation Accepted; Miffed No “Vigorous Defense” From President

Guesses “You Have To Screw Up A War” To Be Protected: Rove Moved, Will Concentrate Fulltime On Smearing

More discord in the White House this morning as Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced his resignation, and Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove had his duties adjusted, taking away policy oversight so he could devote his full energies in developing smear campaigns for the Fall’s mid-term Congressional elections.

While President Bush complimented McClellan, saying that he "handled his assignment with class, integrity," McClellan was both surprised and disappointed that his resignation was accepted.

McClellan Points Finger At Bolten, Says Rough Period Ahead For White House

Speaking candidly to a group of reporters following the announcement, McClellan stated that he, “as a gesture to the new Chief of Staff” submitted his resignation. It had been reported earlier this week that Joshua Bolten suggested to the Administration that, if they were thinking of leaving soon, now was the time to exit.

“It surprised me that Mr. Bolten took my resignation letter right away, directly into the President,” said a chagrinned McClellan.

In a matter of minutes, Bolton emerged from the Oval Office and coldly announced “Okay, you’re gone.”

“For all I know, the President may not have been in the office,” McClellan added. “It seemed pretty quick.”

McClellan hinted at, what could be, a very rough period for the White House, with Bolten serving as Chief of Staff.

“Look how, on his first day, or two, how he messed up rallying the wagons for Rumsfeld,” offered McClellan, referring to the snafu in which Bolten, reportedly, ordered unused FEMA trailers from the Hurricane Katrina relief effort, and ordered them to be painted Army green.

McClellan pointed to the smooth, efficient, professional operations of former Chief of Staff Andy Card and disparaged that “those days are long gone.”

McClellan: “No generals have complained about me at all ...”

McClellan admitted to being more that “a little disappointed” in the, seemingly, lack of support from President Bush. He cited how Defense Secretary Rumsfeld submitted his resignation to the President on two occasions, with the President not accepting it.

“I didn’t really expect the President to accept mine,” offered McClellan. “I mean, no generals have complained about me at all ... Sure, I’ve had a few headbutts with the Press Corps, but that goes with the territory of a very tough job ...”

“I guess,” added the now former Press Secretary, “that you have to screw up a war in order to be vigorously defended.”

Rove Being “Let Loose” For Fall Midterm Smear Campaign

Also announced this morning was that longtime Bush friend, confidant and adviser Karl Rove, currently the Deputy Chief of Staff, as well as carrying the titles of Senior Advisor and Chief Policy Aide to the President, will have his workload reduced (or increased, depending on your perspective) with the vague assignment of “focus more on politics” with the approaching midterm Fall elections.

“This isn’t, necessarily, good news for the Democrats,” offered David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?’ the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party.

“This looks like a signal that, despite a potential indictment hanging over him in the Scooter Libby case, they’re going to let the “old Karl Rove” loose ... And that means down-and-dirty politics and a few healthy smear campaigns in some key states.”

The White House offered no additional comments on the Rove move, and Rove himself could not be reached for comment.

Rove, Santorum Taking A “Hit” Out On Sopranos?

There was running speculation that Rove was in Pennsylvania today, meeting with Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), to consult on a possible smear campaign against actor James Gandolfini.

In the most recent episode of HBO’s “The Sopranos”, Gandolfini’s character, Tony Soprano, in speaking with his psychiatrist about homosexuality, offered his agreement with the Pennsylvanian Senator, saying that “Sen. Sanatorium, who says if we let this stuff go too far, pretty soon we'll be fucking dogs."

Santorum has offered comparable sentiments about homosexuality in past speeches.

Facing a very tough campaign, against Democratic challenger Bob Casey, Santorum is looking at recent polls, showing the incumbent Republican trailing by 11-points, or more.

Santorum’s staff refused to comment, both on the “Sopranos” reference, or confirming meeting with Rove.

It was listed on the Senator’s schedule, a campaign speech on the “Immorality In Hollywood”, highlighting the “very famous actors conducting in gross practices, such as bestiality”

I guess,” complained the now former Press Secretary Scott McClellan, “that you have to screw up a war in order to be vigorously defended

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons John McCain Is Cozying Up To President Bush and Jerry Falwell

News Item: Political risk of John McCain's rightward pitch

10. Being called a “maverick” is too dicey now, with that nut job Tom Cruise shooting his mouth off about everything

9. Due to a clause that kicked in, from his Keating Five Scandal involvement

8. Was shown old CIA file Bush’s Dad had on him

7. Bush promised to teach him the secret Skull & Bones handshake

6. Part of strategy: When Cheney resigns, or gets indicted, Bush will pick him to serve out Vice Presidency

5. Four-year, full scholarships at Liberty University for the grandkids

4. Bush finally used the trigger word McCain was programmed with while POW

3. Needs help with the payments for the Straight Talk Express Bus

2. Hoping to get the Kennebunkport place for the month of August

1. Chose Falwell over Pat Robertson because, if he does win Presidency, Falwell won’t ask him to assassinate anyone

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

President, forcefully, announces “I’m the decider”

White House Stumbles, Late Providing Wagons To Circle Around Rumsfeld

President Said To Be Irate With Paperwork Snafus, Vendor Shortages; FEMA Asked To Appropriate Katrina Trailers

Staking his legacy on the success of the War in Iraq, President Bush, and the White House, has stumbled with embarrassing missteps, being forced in taking the extraordinary step last week, and again this morning, of issuing a statement of support for the embattled Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld,

Sources tell The Garlic that Bush “is going nuclear” over the Pentagon “dragging their feet” in circling the wagons around the Secretary and, in kind, exasperating his staff.

With the Easter Holiday weekend approaching, and the growing likelihood that wagons would not be provided, the White House took the course to have President Bush issue a “strong” statement of support for Rumsfeld.

In the statement released last Friday, the President firmly stated that "Secretary Rumsfeld's energetic and steady leadership is exactly what is needed at this critical period. He has my full support and deepest appreciation."

President Was Expecting To See Wagons Around The Pentagon

“The President,” offered one staffer who stated a need for anonymity, “was – literally – expecting to see wagons in front of the Pentagon.”

Reportedly, according to this staffer, and other sources, Rumsfeld, working with the White House, had ordered vintage World War I wagons to be placed in front of the Pentagon, for a Rumsfeld press conference. It was said a “high-priority” request from the President went out to a range of military museums, private owners and the U.S. Military itself.

Due to paperwork snafus, and vendor shortages, the wagons never arrived.

“Classic Washington,” sniffed another source. “They didn’t have an official purchase order, or procurement order and number. None of these places are going to move a paperclip without that sheet and official stamp.”

Unconfirmed reports say that even Vice President Dick Cheney got involved, physically showing up, ranting and raving, issuing threats, and demanding the release of the wagons, but was rebuffed, due to the lack of official protocol.

“We've wasted three years in Iraq

Rumsfeld has come under heavy criticism from, at least six, retired generals, saying he has harsh management style and that he has mishandled the War in Iraq. The retired generals have called for Rumsfeld’s resignation or firing.

Retired Marine Lt. Gen. Paul K. Van Riper labeled Rumsfeld’s decisions “disastrous", citing the planning and execution of the war and poor command climate.

In an interview with CNN last week, retired Army Maj. Gen. John Batiste called for a “fresh start” and that "We need leadership up there that respects the military as they expect the military to respect them. And that leadership needs to understand teamwork."

Speaking about Rumsfeld direction of the war, retired Marine Gen. Anthony Zinni, author of a new book, "The Battle for Peace", and longtime critic of the Bush Administration’s handing of the war, said "the problem is that we've wasted three years in Iraq” and believes “absolutely” that Rumsfeld should resign.

President, forcefully, announces “I’m the decider”

This morning, Rumsfeld held sway at a rambling press conference, in which he said “no” in answering a question if he would consider resigning to take the heat off President Bush.

"The president knows, as I know,” said the Secretary, “there are no indispensable men ... He knows that I serve at his pleasure, and that's that."

President Bush, speaking at a ceremony in the Rose Garden, announcing new staff changes, said "I'm the decider and I decide what's best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."

New Chief of Staff Ordered FEMA Trailers; Rove Had Smear Campaign Ready For Generals

Washington skeptics have been glued to this drama, framing as the first crises for new Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten.

Reports are circulating that Bolten, in learning of the problem of getting wagons to the Pentagon, called Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff and ordered the unused FEMA trailers be brought to Washington, and to have them painted in the olive green of the Army, for the show of support planned at the Pentagon.

Chertoff, according to sources, placed a call to Special White House Council Karl Rove, to verify the order, and Rove nixed it cold and could be heard shouting to his secretary to “get Bolten in here, now!”

Unconfirmed reports say that Rove has readied a smear campaign against the retired generals, and is waiting for the President, or Vice President, to give the signal to let them out.

“This wouldn’t have happened if Andy [Card, recently resigned Chief of Staff] was running the show,” said Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication, that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century.

“Card would have had a whole marketing campaign laid out to beat down the retired generals. The President would never have had to release that statement last week and Rumsfeld would have come out of this with a tickertape parade ...You would be seeing talking points out the ying-yang, with the pundits tossing Rummy’s name into the 2008 hat ... that is, if Andy was in control.”

In his first crises, new Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten was said to have his plans to bring in FEMA trailers to rally around Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, in leiu of wagons, nixed by Karl Rove

Top Ten Cloves: What Would Be Different If Rumsfeld Was A Dog, But Still Secretary of Defense

News Item: Memo Shows Officer's Shift on Use of Dogs

10. Secret Service changes Camp David name to Camp Kennel whenever Rumsfeld visiting for the weekend

9. McLaughlin Group finally right about something when they lament politics has gone to the dogs

8. Asks the other Cabinet Members if they have to travel in a cage, down in the Baggage Storage. when they fly on Air Force One

7. First order of business: Use Military to abolish all Leash Laws around the country

6. PR Department can’t spin that his “bark is worse then his bite

5. First time in U.S. History we have a Defense Secretary that can lick his own butt

4. Celebrity dogs, Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Benji and Beethoven placed on the Joint Chiefs of Staff council

3. Walter Reed doctors now have to check for rabies during the annual physical

2. Could get more work done: Abuse suspected terrorists and manage War on Terror at the same time

1. Press Conferences frequently interrupted when he hears a fire truck passing Pentagon and chases after it

Monday, April 17, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The White House Easter Egg Roll

News Item: Rain Can't Dampen White House Tradition

10. I think the President overdid it in his opening remarks ... “The eggs will greet you as liberators?”

9. We’ve already got four generals protesting the rolling of eggs

8. Tancredo, and his buddies are here... They want to make sure only kids that are American citizens get to roll eggs

7. I don’t believe we need to do a Press Release because you “rose out of bed” today, Sir... The Press won’t get it

6. Isn’t that that guy from the State Department? I didn’t know he had a gay family

5. Better call the lawyers; Scooter Libby just did another filing, to subpoena all the eggs

4. Look, she doesn’t give it a rest ... Condi Rice is standing over there, writing down all the “tactical errors” with the egg roll

3. Good thing we didn’t have FEMA get the eggs ... The kids would be picking weeds today if that was the case

2. Why so few eggs this morning? You didn’t let Rumsfeld set it up, did you?

1. We may have to ask the Vice President to go inside, he’s beginning to frighten the children

I think the President overdid it in his opening remarks ... “The eggs will greet you as liberators?”

Garlic Poll - Bush Declassifying Results

And the winner is ...

Another week of heavy voting in The Garlic Poll ...

For last week’s question, When President Bush Decides To Declassify Intelligence In Order To Leak It, He First ..., the results

1. Saves the little arrow tabs that Dick Cheney put on, showing him where to sign 44%

2. Becomes riled up, saying it needs to be taught in schools, next to Evolution 26%

3. Puts on his flight suit 17%

4. Gets excited when he pulls out the special Presidential ink pad and stamp 13%

This week’s Poll - In order to resign, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld will demand ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote